The 180 Strategies

Discovering an affair leaves a betrayed spouse or partner with intense feelings of trauma, destroys the self-esteem and leaves a person lost in what is the next step. When I discovered my girlfriend stepping out on our relationship after five years I felt like I did everything wrong and wished I was able to access the resources to aid in recovery that are available today. A concept that I have become very familiar with is the concept of 180. The concept of 180 was introduced by Michelle Wiener Davis, author of Divorce Busting. I have seen this concept tried and promoted on several infidelity recovery websites by those victimized by infidelity. These concepts seem to really assist those struggling with any direction after the grief and anger following an affair is discovered.

These strategies are beneficial for those struggling with a partner who continues to engage in an affair after being discovered or with a partner who is stuck in affair fog and claims to be unsure of whether they want to reconcile the long term relationship. I liken these strategies to the fake it until you make strategies but with clear concise behaviors to implement. The 180 strategies empower the betrayed partner and give the wandering partner the appearance that the betrayed partner is going to wait around for the wandering partner to make a decision on what they want in a long term relationship and that the betrayed partner may have some decisions to make regarding the relationship as well. The 180 strategies allow a betrayed partner to detach from the emotionally distraught situation versus clutching the leg of a wandering partner begging them to please stay and choose them over the affair partner.

Another serendipitous result of 180 is the betrayed partner begins to focus on themselves and not allowing the affair or the wandering partner to control the life of the betrayed partner. Frequent fighting and inability to control emotions after discovering an affair make any serious work regarding reconciliation difficult. Affairs often turn the betrayed partners into codependent individuals that cater to the needs of the wandering partner in an attempt to win them back by being nice or giving in to the wandering partner’s wishes. The detachment through 180 allows the betrayed partner time and space with themselves to think clearly about the fallout of the affair versus the manipulation and blame shifting that often accompanies an affairs from a wandering partner. The 180 concepts assist the betrayed partner in protecting themselves when their instincts are insisting that they react, to explode with anger, to reason with the wandering partner and lash out at the culprits in the affair. The 180 brings focus and strength through a well planned guideline to assist a struggling betrayed partner.

The 180 Strategies

1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.

4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.

5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wandering partner.

7. Don’t ask for reassurances.

8. Don’t buy or give gifts.

9. Don’t schedule dates together.

10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!

17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back.  Don’t always be so available…for anything!  Your spouse will notice.  More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment.  Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper.  No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER.  No show of temper!  Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control.  YOURSELF!

21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).  In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.  Hear what it is that they are saying!  Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation.  No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you.  Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.  It’s not always about you!  More to the point, at present they just don’t care.

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see.  Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable.  Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid.  Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.  It “ain’t over till it’s over!”

32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent!  It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person.  This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual.  Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life.  Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner.

I cannot stress enough how I wished I knew these strategies when I was going through my situation involving my cheating girlfriend. I was not confident in what I was doing after discovery of her infidelity and I was placing the focus on everyone but myself. The 180 is intended to give the betrayed partner a game plan for yourself. The 180 prepares you with appropriate boundaries, rules and expectations. The wandering partner may or may not adapt or notice the changes in a betrayed partner using the 180. Often the wandering partner responds quite quickly to the change in attitude of the betrayed partner. It is important to stick to these concepts even if you notice the wandering partner acquiescing to the changes. The 180 is a tool to assist the betrayed partner not to change and convince a wandering partner to willingly come back. The 180 has little to do with the wandering partner but about self empowerment.

The goal of those who use 180 would likely be reunification but in the process is to improve the attitude and behaviors of the betrayed partner, to become happier, promote hope that they will get through the ugly process that results from an affair and reduce the feelings of desperation. This is about you not the wandering partner.