Affair Fog

After discovering a partner's affair you will have much to think about. Do you reconcile the relationship? Should you leave the relationship? If you have children how will the affair affect them? Often you have another powerful adversary in working towards reconciliation after an affair and that is your wandering partner's mind. Once an affair begins the wandering partner begins experiencing a self-induced brainwashing about the strength of the relationship between themselves and their affair partner. Most individuals know affairs are wrong and so to rationalize their behaviors to coincide with their decision to cheat the wandering partner begins to shape their own reality in their minds. The wandering partner begins to amplify the weaknesses of the betrayed partner. They become angry for feeling imprisoned in a life of unhappiness for so long due to their betrayed spouse. The wandering partner appears hypnotized with a mantra in which they embellish the negativity of the primary relationship for their own advocacy. The wandering partner even begins to scroll back through time believing they were never really in love with the betrayed partner. The happiness they recall were but blemishes on their unfulfilled miserable relationships. At the same time the affair partner is placed on a pedestal from the wandering partner. Their characteristics fill their needs perfectly and the wandering partner suddenly believes in destiny as a result of finding their affair partner. They feel like they have found their soul mate, the long lost love that has been missing to make them whole. The connection is believed to be so powerful. The affair partner's imperfections are overlooked if ever even noticeable by the wandering partner. The wandering partner is in an affair fog; a fantasy filled with distortion with no ability to make any rational decision about the state of their affair. Betrayed partners, spouses, children, family members and friends become collateral damage to the wandering partner's complicated outlook. Affair fog is a very difficult barrier for couples attempting reconciliation to work through. The wandering partner often cites confusion or not knowing what to do about the affair relationship once it is discovered. This often leads to major mood swings and fits of anger by the wandering partner because they enjoyed having their cake and eating it too. The discovery of the affair jeopardizes their pleasurable side dish and the threat of losing their affair partner mimics a junkie losing their favorite hidden stash. This confusion the wandering partner states is usually a stall tactic while they resume the affair for a while longer to continue feeding their addictive feelings. Before the affair was discovered the wandering partner had moments of intense excitement as a result of having someone else paying attention to them. The affair partner fed their ego, boosted their self-worth and injected feelings of feeling desirable. The sneaking around of the affair intensifies the feelings of passion which is often confused with love. The intoxication that the wandering partner feels becomes addictive in nature and they risk everything to be with their affair partner. The wandering partner believes that the happiness they are feeling is unique and too intense to be counterfeit love. No matter how many friends, family and coworkers plead with the wandering partner to make a responsible decision and end the affair their mind is often so deteriorated and unable to completely leave their affair partner. The wandering partner is living in a delusion basking in loves afterglow. When reconciling a relationship as a result of infidelity the first step is insisting on breaking contact with the affair partner. Given the state of mind of many wandering partners it is too painful to simply just break free cold turkey. There are severe feelings of withdrawal like any relationship breakup and many wandering partners do reestablish contact weeks, months, and even years with their affair partners after given an ultimatum by a relationship partner working towards reconciliation. The affair fog can last weeks or several months after the discovery of the affair. The best predictors of shortening the period of fog are how well a wandering partner is willing to work towards reconciliation. A remorseful partner that establishes clear no contact boundaries with their affair partner will snap out of the affair much quicker than a partner whom has sporadic contact with their affair partner. Taking active steps to strengthen and rebuild your relationship after an affair will peel back the drapes of the affair fog much more quickly than a couple just going through the motions of reconciliation. Many individuals have left marriages, healthy relationships and lifelong commitments after being consumed by the thickening of the affair fog only to grasp reality when it was too late. The wandering partner having lost their primary partner is forced to move on with their life with great regret what was truly lost.

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Methods Towards Reconciliation

The realization that someone you are in a serious relationship with is having an affair is devastating. Initially I lost sleep, could not eat, lost focus of my personal responsibilities and the whereabouts of my girlfriend was my sole focus of my life after discovering her infidelity. As a result I was putty in her hands for a few months as we attempted reconciliation or at least I did. I made her the sole focus of my life instead of taking a more proactive approach; a more pro-me approach. If I could do it all over again after learning my mistakes I would definitely take a different approach towards reconciliation. The very first thing you must realize after discovering an affair is that you will make it through all the pain and suffering brought forth from your wandering partner. Many others have been cheated on and even believe their relationships are stronger in time as a result of reconciliation should you decide this route in the relationship. The hurt is tremendous, the wounds unbearably deep but things do get better each day after discovery an affair. You must utilize patience because reconciliation and forgiveness take a lot of time and hard work from both partners in this process of repairing the relationship. An inclination that betrayed partners have is to throw the cheater out, end the relationship and surrender the broken bond between the wandering partner and themselves. The void seems impassably wide initially but the other side will come into focus in time. Make no serious decisions about anything for now. For reconciliation to truly begin the wandering partner must remove the affair partner from the primary relationship. This relationship must cease immediately and the betrayed spouse should be present when the affair is terminated. This should be done via text message, phone call or letter. This breakup with the affair partner should not be done in person out of the betrayed partners spying eyes. From this point on there should be no contact between the affair partner and the wandering partner. This relationship is difficult to break. It is almost addictive for the wandering partner so be observant of relapses in contact between the affair partners. Set guidelines on what is to happen if continued contact occurs between the affair partners. If there is routine contact with the affair partner contact after witnessing the destruction the affair has caused the betrayed partner than you are likely dealing with a narcissist or a person who no longer really cares about the relationship. For reconciliation to be completely successful talk about the necessary changes that will occur in the relationship from this point forward. This is not an opportunity for excuse making in the relationship, placing blame or justifying the affair. This is focusing on what went wrong in the relationship and how positive changes can increase the probability of succeeding in moving forward in the relationship. The goal of this communication is to avoid a breakdown of this magnitude from ever happening again. This is an exercise in communication and learning how remorseful the straying partner is. Cheaters struggle early on in reconciliation because their behavior was inexcusable in dealing with the relationship. The only real excuse a cheater has is to blame the betrayed spouse for their behavior. Do not allow any focus or blame for their behavior in your direction. There are a number of ways anyone can address the difficulties in a relationship. The wandering partner chose stepping out of the relationship as their method of coping; that is their responsibility that they must own. A wandering partner needs to display remorse both in their words and their behaviors. Reconciliation will take time and there will setbacks. How a wandering partner addresses these setbacks is important for the relationship to move ahead. After months of reconciliation many triggers from the affair will meander their way into the heart of the betrayed partner. Communicating openly and honestly is the most effective way in addressing setbacks. Wandering partners often feel that the betrayed partners are holding onto the affair too long, dragging their feet when discussing the return of intimacy and not returning to the relationship in applicable time as seen by the wandering partner. Weaving through these issues empathetically and being there for their partner whom they betrayed will only build trust and reconciliation that much faster. A partner that appears to berate you and asking you to just move along and return to the relationship is not making effective positive changes in the recovery process. A partner that is insistent on you hurrying through the grieving process is someone that is not serious about the relationship. Trust cannot be fully built without complete transparency in the near term and open communication regarding all aspects of the affair. Every affair is different and every betrayed partner addresses their needs differently. Trust will take time and trust is the cornerstone of rebuilding the relationship. The wandering partner has to incrementally begin proving they are trustworthy now with each day that goes by. The time it takes to heal is different with each affair but most affairs take several years to fully return to a normal state of the relationship if there are no major disappointments.

Intimacy After an Affair

Should you decide to reconcile after being cheated on one of the more laborious facets to work through is regaining intimacy with a wandering partner. I was so angry with my girlfriend when I caught her cheating that I really could not even stand to look at her much less contemplate sharing any moments of real intimacy with her. Every time I saw her all I could think about was my girlfriend and her affair partner in my mind. The problem I had was that my girlfriend expected me to just snap back into the relationship and pretended that nothing happened while we attempted reconciliation. I was supposed to ignore that she took something that was special between us and shared it with someone outside our relationship. When I rejected her advances of intimacy and communicated my feelings regarding how I felt our intimate moments were currently corrupted from my viewpoint, she suddenly turned into a spoiled little child having its favorite toy removed. Many cheaters often have little empathy for what they damage in the primary relationship and they often expect a different timeline from which the betrayed partner is to recover involving the reciprocation of intimacy. During reconciliation, intimacy takes a lot of time and should not be forced by the motives of the wandering partner. I have seen several different outcomes in trying to reconcile intimacy in the relationship. Some people become overly intimate attempting to hold on to the relationship and their partner through sexual intimacy that often mimics make up sex. They believe if they are having sex with the wandering partner the relationship is in the restoration reconciliation phase. Most often the return of intimacy to the relationship takes time. The return of intimacy will have ups and downs paralleling a rollercoaster with large peaks at times with equally large valleys at other times. A betrayed partner will believe they are ready for intimacy in their relationship again only to have a few triggers from the affair surface and set back the entire process for a while. What is important is that the betrayed partner communicate these setbacks and others feelings resulting from the affair with the wandering partner. Communication that is open and honest will be the driving force towards reconciliation when there are setbacks in intimacy and other areas of the relationship. It is very important that the wandering partner becomes supportive during the setbacks through communication and work at restoring the bond in the relationship. If you feel your partner is not holding their end in the reconciliation process verbalize it to them. Do not allow the relationship to just move ahead if you feel your partner is not doing the necessary work during the reconciliation process. Forced or unfinished reconciliation will lead to resentment in the future which almost always displays the same patterns of behaviors that occurred before attempted reconciliation. A remorseful wandering partner willing to take responsibility for their actions and the hurt inflicted onto the relationship makes such a huge difference in reconciliation. The return of intimacy can be a very frustrating process which is why couples counseling should be utilized in the reconciliation process. The wandering partner may have difficulty realizing the severity of the agony they have inflicted on their partner and the large cavernous hole they have placed in their betrayed partner's heart. The distance between two people in a relationship after an affair is immense and this is when the relationship is the most vulnerable. If reconciliation is chosen for the relationship the wandering partner must be very patient, be the harder worker in repairing of the relationship and do everything possible in attempting to repair trust. The pain and suffering will lessen as time goes by. Part of you will continue to reflect back on the affair on occasion when triggered whether you completely reconcile or not. The injury, suffering, heartache and experience from the affair does not leave you should the relationship end with the wandering partner. In every relationship I have had since being cheated on I have had moments of complication as a direct result of my girlfriends cheating me. Healing from an affair is a process that takes time. The anger you are likely feeling now will turn to sadness and then feelings of love, respect and trust do return making reconciliation possible if both individuals in the relationship work diligently at it.

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Tiptoeing Towards The Affair

No matter what anyone tells you affairs are preventable. No one accidently falls into another person naked and no one exchanges feelings of love, passion and deeper emotions without stepping over some significant personal barriers. Relationships become vulnerable to infidelity and affairs when partners begin to look outside their relationships for characteristics they find appealing during moments when their relationship is disintegrating or on autopilot versus communicating with their current partner about their missing needs. The word need often conjures up images of sexual dissatisfaction but is usually related more closely to emotional needs such as having opinions valued, communication, being listened to by a partner and personally supported by the partner. Affairs rarely blossom instantly and they are often the result of poor boundaries not being established early on in a friendship or other relationship. Discussing a facet of your relationship that is currently bothering you with someone of the opposite sex that is not a family member is treacherous. Intimate conversations coupled with empathetic listening from a caring friend can easily lead to the development of increased feelings. When this initial exchange goes uninterrupted for its breach of obstructing mature personal boundaries it only induces the likelihood of more intimate encounters occurring. Each encounter has a tendency to increase in intensity and the relationship feels like a snowball rolling downhill becoming larger and more massive with each conversation involving intimate details unless the process is halted. Being in the presence of another person appearing to fulfill an unmet need from the primary relationship nurtures bitterness for the primary partner who suddenly materializes into someone considered less appealing. Feelings of missing out on an unmet need allow for ideas of affairs to become lodged in your heart or mind when a partner begins turning towards someone else outside their primary relationship for personal needs that are not being satisfactorily met in their primary relationship. This resentment provides the groundwork for excuses and rationalizations in some individuals for why this need should no longer go unmet with the introduction of the person they are now confiding in. There are often many warning signs being consciously ignored during this period roaring at the straying partner like a caged lion to refocus and return to the primary relationship. These signals are often presented in the form of feelings of guilt, shame, personal culpability and a general understanding what you are doing is inappropriate in this new relationship. An affair is beginning when you suppress or ignore these feelings and make an active effort to continue confiding in this new person. The tilt towards an affair often begins with increased communication between two individuals in separate relationships, followed by shared information that is personal regarding a relationship problem and before you know it relationship boundaries become ignored. Sharing information about your primary relationship with others outside the relationship will escort your relationship towards emotional quicksand. This hinders communication in the primary relationship because emotional energy in the form of communication is being taken from the primary relationship and being placed with a person outside that relationship. Suddenly it becomes easier to confide in this new person and it feels like they understand many of your needs better than your primary partner. Your primary partner is becoming secondary in who you turn to for support in all areas of their life. Before you realize it feelings have developed and they begin to wonder if they should disclose the feelings whom they have been confiding in. If these feelings become verbalized the relationship is well on its way towards a full blown affair. Disclosure of feelings is the genie that can never be put back in the bottle. The inevitable comparisons between their primary partner and their new partner become more routine. Minor flaws in the primary relationship begin to feel like a grand piano on their back eliciting overreactions in arguments in the primary relationship. At this point the relationship has already crossed over into an emotional affair and a physical affair is often not too far behind. An astute primary partner will begin noticing an emotional drop off in the relationship and possibly several signs of an affair. In my opinion, the best weapons against an affair developing is talking with your partner about unmet needs and establishing very concrete defined boundaries with opposite sex friendships. The majority of affairs occur in relationships in close proximity of the primary relation such as work, friends of partners and family members of partners.

Opposite Sex Friendships; Is It Really Possible?

For the past few months the theme of whether men and women can actually just be friends has been reoccurring in my life. I have had this question asked of me by close friends from both men and women. The answers I have received make it very clear to me that there is not a consensus on the issue of the possibility of whether men and women can just be friends. I continue to have countless discussions with both men and women on this issue and feel it is time for me to give my personal opinion on this matter. For me, working in a professional field that is dominated by female coworkers, I have very few problems having friendships with females and several of my closest friends happen to be females. I have felt very little attraction to any of these women and have viewed these friendships as purely platonic. There have been occasions that feelings have developed from female friendships in my life and strict boundaries had to be discussed and enforced in order for a friendship to continue once feelings have been discussed with these friends. These situations do make for uncomfortable work environments and awkward personal relationships once attraction is discussed but as long a clear boundaries are respected and adhered to friendships are possible with members of the opposite sex in my opinion. Some individuals have a difficult time separating the sexual and emotional aspect from their own personal experiences and cling to these experiences as reasons for only pursuing same sex friends. This seems counterproductive to me and usually says more about the people who hold these opinions than the real possibilities about whether or not opposite sexes can just be friends. 

As I stated above, several of my closest friends are female and I look back on how these individuals have allowed me to grow as a person as a result my friendships with them. I would hate to think where I would be emotionally, behaviorally, even mentally without assistance from several of these females in my life. To abandon half the population as potential friends just because they are of the opposite sex really makes no sense to me for a variety of reason. I am a person who is often looking for more information or opinions on a variety of topics and women often see things from an entirely different perspective than I do. I actually enjoy discussions with individuals who have opinions different than mine. I need to be challenged intellectually and emotionally and eliminating any chance from different viewpoints hinders my possibility for personal growth in my opinions. Experience has taught me that many of the women that I am friends with look at things from an emotional standpoint, where as I am very analytical about most things I address. This difference has led me to think about things more broadly at times and to see things in areas of my life that I may have overlooked had I not had the personal connections with some of my female friends.

So what draws individuals from the opposite sex into friendships to begin with? What has been a driving influence for me in most of my friendships both male and female is curiosity about an individual. There is usually some defining characteristic that makes me want to move from an acquaintance into a friendship. What makes these defining characteristics difficult with a possible female candidate for friendship is figuring out if the curiosity is an attraction or simply just thinking the person is someone with a revealing trait that makes them appealing to me. When I first meet a woman that is a potential friend, I believe there is somewhat of an attraction but I am not expecting anything to come of it. I sometimes notice chemistry, sometimes a slight emotional connection, and I find that my person of interest is very much worth the extra effort of my time. This attraction is not necessarily sexual in nature but there is a draw that makes me want to give a little larger part of myself to them than a common acquaintance. For me, attraction makes the male-female friendship difficult because of the problems that arise when trying to define the attraction. Is the attraction sexual? Is it romantic? Are the feelings of attraction related to me wanting more from this person than a friendship? Do I just want a common friendship with them or is there something more to the attraction? It is the actual definition of early attraction that must be made specific for me in order to carry a friendship forward with potential female friends. If the attraction is sexual and one of the female-male friends is hiding these feelings an unwelcomed attraction becomes difficult to cover-up. Nothing makes opposite sex friendships more awkward than sexual tension and has the potential for mixed signals between friends. Simple displays of affection such as a touch on the shoulder, a fling of the hair, a smile, tend to become misinterpreted and have led to unwelcomed advances towards friends. Once one person lets their feelings known it is difficult to put that genie back in the bottle to carry out the terms of the friendship as it was and the boundaries of the friendship need to be implemented.

In my opinion, the key component in a male and female friendship is clear and consistent boundaries between both parties involved. As with any relationship, the best way to ensure success in opposite sex friendships is clear communication. I believe that those involved in an opposite sex friendships have to define what the relationship is, and is not. If one person is attracted to another, decisions on how to deal with those aspects of the friendship will need to be addressed and communicated. The boundaries I usually rely on for myself is would any partner be happy with what I am saying or doing with a friend of the opposite sex if she were standing over my shoulder right now. I do not place myself in romantic situations with the possibility of increased feelings to develop. Romantic situations are defined as one on one dinners outside of the work environment, flirting is seldom taking place in any activity I agree to accompany a female friend, I am not communicating with a female friend daily for hours at a time, I would not spend large amounts of time with a friend of the opposite sex outside a public place alone, I would not share secrets with female friends that I cannot share with my partner, and my partner knows about all my females friends. Most importantly, I would never hide female friends from my girlfriend. Honest communication with female friends has generally been successful for me in my life. If these rules are routinely broken or asked to be broken the relationship with that friend usually has to be terminated. If the boundaries are respected, great potential exists for men and women to share lasting friendships.

One of the greatest benefits of opposite sex friendships for me has been the ability to vent emotionally, discuss feelings, and mention things that I would not dare discuss with my male friends. In my experience, the male social network is often based on strength, independence, taunting, and even masculine prowess in activities such as sports, money, and sexuality of females in our proximity. None of my female friends that I currently have come anywhere close to meeting the above criteria I have for male friendships. This is exactly why I enjoy the benefits of opposite sex friendships. I have a few female friends that I have the ability to express my frustrations, my fears, vulnerabilities, and where I feel I need to make improvements in my life. I feel it much easier to contact these women at times and open up to them, explain to them about my disappointments, feelings of inadequacy, and even past history that I may be embarrassed about. These friendships allow me to clear my conscious, reduce stress that I was harboring, and I completely respect the feedback I get from my female friends. Females tend to reaffirm my beliefs and support me emotionally, pointing out areas where I could use personal growth. I could never see myself discussing feelings of depression with my male friends, showing them momentary weaknesses, talk about what is bothering me, complain my fears, or why I might need to make some specific changes in my life. When with male friends there is tendency to act tougher, avoid emotions, and even make fun of those who attempt to share emotional experiences with male friends.

The most difficult part of maintaining and sustaining male-female friendships is the development of sexual attraction or attempts to just ignore sexual attraction and continue the relationship like nothing really is going on. I believe that there is usually some attraction component to the male female friendship in the beginning. There is always some component that wanted to make me want to start moving into the friendship level with a female besides general proximity. I have had female friendships that I initially found attractive physically, or over time developed an emotional attraction that fused the friendship. Over time these feelings subsided and these friendships tend to blossom into my greatest friendships. Some argue that the backgrounds of these relationships were bound by hidden or sexual feelings that were never addressed. l cannot argue with these points but no advances have ever been made and the boundaries were declared early and either I or my opposite sex friend received feedback that this relationship was not going to go any further. I have seen several of these friends get married, become serial daters and have felt no jealousy or possessiveness on my part. I am not secretly lusting after any of these female friends and the friendship has been completely platonic over the course of the friendship. In saying that, even a platonic friendship can still have a sexual component some of the time. I enjoy flirtation with some of my female friends, sometimes when I feel chemistry, I just pretend that the chemistry is not there as to not lose a very close female friend. This attitude is not always available for some individuals.

There is a school of thought from individuals that it is impossible for men and women to be just friends. Some men and women are just not able to have platonic friendships with females or males. Friendships like all relationships are largely driven by past relationships and experiences. Their failure to deal with their own abilities to not be friends lead them to maintain that no one else can either. Therefore this group of individuals simply concludes that men and women just cannot be friends. Their failure and disappointment with friendships of the opposite sex that lead to these feelings on their part have brought them to the conclusion that men and women should not or cannot just be friends. I feel that this attitude of men and women being incapable of being friends is a result of placing a poorly developed part of their life into a category that they fail to understand. It is much easier to dismiss friendships between men and women as impossible, than to have to look for the reasons within why opposite sex friendships cannot work. It is their attempt to compartmentalize a part of their life into a neat little box that they do not really understand. For me, there are female friends whose opinion I value greatly, who motivate me in substantial ways, who I hate disappointing and our friendships function beautifully. I realize that a deeper relationship with these individuals would not work in a serious romantic relationship. I still like these women a lot and find enormous value to have them in my life. I have a female friend that helps me pick out flowers for my girlfriend, I run gift ideas for my partner past other female friends to see if I am making a good choice, I even ask for the female perspective on mistakes I think I may be making in my relationships or other female friendships.

I believe that men and women can be friends. I not only think they can be friends but men and women should be friends. Women have complimented several aspects of my life that I feel that I am or was missing. I would have missed out on several facets of my life had I only viewed women as potential dating partners or romantic only interests. Women have assisted me with a missing part of my life that only a nurturing friendship could have given me. Some of these friendships have increased my communication abilities, reduced my immaturity, and gave me support to be able to find something beyond myself that I felt was lacking. I feel like I would have remained trapped in certain areas of my life emotionally had I not had the emotional encouragement of female friends. I believe with clearly defined boundaries, open communication by defining the relationship parameters and becoming aware of personal feelings are integral in making opposite sex friendships work. I believe friendships with the opposite sex are more difficult and more difficult to manage. My female friends need more frequent contact, words are sometimes misconstrued or taken the wrong way with some of my female friends making the likely hood for petty fights, and differences between the sexes do occur during the course of an opposite sex friendship. Given all the positives that I see in friendships with members of the opposite sex I think it would be a horrendous decision to have a friendship portfolio that is lacking in diversity of the opposite sex. What I have learned from my female friends has only helped me become better boyfriend years ago and good partner in relationships today. I have my female friendships to thank for that and continue to learn much from my opposite sex friendships even today.

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Recalling Discovery Day

We all have special dates in our hearts and that hold special meaning as life moves along day to day throughout the year. For some it is an anniversary, perhaps a birthday and others the annual review day at work. If you are one of the unfortunate individuals to be cheated on there is another date that is always looming in the back of your mind and it is referred to as discovery day. Discovery day is the day a betrayed partner finally put all the pieces of the affair together, found their significant other cheating or the rare occasion in which a wandering partner discloses the affair before being discovered. No matter how you figured out the affair, discovery day sticks with you like a branded tattoo on a bicep. It is the day your significant other betrayed you in a manner that few have ever been betrayed. The intense feelings of anger and rage only make discovery day feel like a flashbulb memory day when you recall where you were when you realized you were in a relationship with a cheater. I recall what I was wearing, what my girlfriend was wearing and conversations I had with her and her other man in my apartment. Even now I can feel the emotions attempting to rush towards the surface as I remember the situation years ago. Initially discovery day is measured by hours. I could not believe my girlfriend was cheating on me. This was other an issue that happened to other people not me. I believed I was in a healthy relationship. Each hour after discovery day seemed to crawl by like the time on an exercise bike when you repeatedly glance at how much time you have left. Than discovery day is measured in days basking in the notion that as each day went by I was surviving this horrible ordeal. The pain and the hurt did not cease or seem to let up but I was surviving; barely. At times I was so wrought with emotions that I had trouble breathing and I doubted that I had any tears left to release from my eyes. The anger began to eat at me and I wanted to find an outlet for my anger that was not destructive. Soon discovery day led into weeks. Wandering partners get frustrated when you discuss discovery day because like their behavior it is a reminder of their immaturity, selfishness and lack of communication. The betrayed partner continues to look back at the discovery day like an old veteran looks at a newly erected war memorial. The memories are not always positive but each day is a reminder of the survival. After a few months of attempted reconciliation I gave up and left my girlfriend knowing that I could never really trust or respect her ever again. We were no longer together yet at six months after the discovery date I recalled what I had been through and how far I had come since the day I realized I was sharing my girlfriend with someone else. Even more odd was at one year many of the feelings from the affair came forward again. I felt like I was reliving the affair and I had not even spoken to my girlfriend in months at the one year anniversary day of the affair. I was very angry as the anniversary of discovery day approached. I recalled how poorly I had been treated and almost felt like I was reliving the affair all over again. In many ways I felt worse on the anniversary day because I thought I would not have to reexamine the relationship again once I exited the relationship. I received a heavy dose of depression and an unwillingness to even contemplate forgiveness on this day. I hated that I even thought about my ex-girlfriend on this day. Even now as I look back in early fall as the seasons change the smell of the musty air fills my lungs, rustling leaves and cool weather leads me back to a fall evening when I arrived home unexpectedly to an apartment with an extra guest for my girlfriend. It is a day that betrayed partners slowly remove from their yearly checklist but for a few years it looms large as both a barrier and reminder of a horrible event or a beacon for what can be accomplished if both parties in a relationship choose reconciliation. You have to choose what the definition of discovery day will mean for you. For a few years it will affect you. If positive changes occur in your relationship it will serve as a reminder of what you nearly lost.

Disclosing Your Affair To Your Social Circle

A very difficult decision that centers on infidelity is who a betrayed partner discloses information regarding the affair to. This is a decision that could come back to haunt you at a later point. I found that if you decide to attempt reconciliation friends and family are not so forgiving towards a wandering partner as you may choose to be. As you can probably expect tell only those you absolutely trust and as few people as possible. You will be surprised by the number of people who probably already know or suspected something was happening. My ex-girlfriend lost close friends and the respect of my friends with her decision to cheat. I had to talk several female friends from beginning physical altercations with my girlfriend, my family really never accepted her for the next few months while we tried to reconcile and my girlfriend was upset that I allowed friends and family to know about her affairs. In time these emotions settle down but the trust for your partner is harder to establish among friends than it is for yourself during reconciliation. Friends and family are usually there to support you but the relationship between family and the cheating partner are often frayed for a long time. Often is difficult to hide the emotional trauma and pain from those close to you but be very careful who you allow into your inner circle with details regarding an affair. Some individuals even though they are your friends or family have no ability to keep information between confidants. As information becomes passed around the story inevitably becomes distorted and the situation may even end up being reversed with you being the bad one who cheated in the rumor mill. It is disturbing enough to have many know that you are involved in an affair or your partner is engaging in an affair but these types of events often begin to create a life of their own once the story is let loose by a few gossip hounds. I have been a party to a few of these nuggets of information in the workplace and it has always astonished me how many people want details, timelines and the names of those involved. The pain of infidelity is difficult enough without your most intimate personal life being bantered around in gossip pretending to feel sorry for you. In situations like an affair you find out who your real friends are and who your illusionary friends are.

The Angry Cheater Who Lost Their Affair Partner

One of the more confusing aspects of being cheated on for me was attempting to understand my girlfriend's anger after her moments of fun in her affairs surfaced for all of us to see. The two of us attempted to reconcile  for a short time to try and reconcile our relationship after the affair. I had a few parameters that I felt necessary to lay down in order to seriously give reconciliation a serious attempt. I stated that I was going to move out, she needed to immediately end her relationship and cheating with her affair partner and there was to be no contact between them whatsoever. She agreed to these terms and we were initially making serious progress at reconciling. The problem came days and weeks later. Whether the betrayed partner wants to acknowledge it or not affairs require grieving and loss like all relationships that end. The betrayed partner is not too sympathetic to this process of pain of missing the affair partner. I found my girlfriend upset at me and angry at me for setting boundaries and forcing her to end her affair. The next few weeks my girlfriend became angry and short tempered with me for trivial reasons. While I was shattered, filled with self-doubt and an imploded self-esteem as a result of being cheated on; my girlfriend was venting anger and frustration towards me for having the audacity to insist that our reconciliation be one on one without any other people involved. As time went by she became more and angrier and short-tempered as we slowly patched up what little we could in our relationship. My girlfriend admitted she missed the attention from her affair partner, the feelings of being pursued by other men and resented me for putting a stop to this (the joys of couple's counseling). She had the affair and was angry at me for asking contact to cease as we repaired our torrid mess of a relationship. This is an example of the self-centered narcissism that the betrayed partner is up against. Cheaters often become angry when they are made to look at their behavior, when the betrayed partner interrupts their fantastic system they have going with multiple partners and when others see them for they truly are. There is little defense to utilize other than self-preservation through anger. When the affair is discovered, the wandering partner is usually forced to make a decision and cannot have their dual lifestyle any longer. The anger being projected by the wandering spouse is a symptom of their childishness as they cannot muster the courage to look with themselves and take personal responsibility for their cheating. Do not tolerate any suggestions, manipulation tactics or intimidation as a result of a cheating spouse's anger. This is usually the only card a wandering spouse has left to play once the affair is realized. I chose to ignore the anger while we were still together because I knew its root cause was not with me but with her.

The Delusions of the Perfect Affair Partner

Should you and your significant other decide to attempt reconciliation after the affair it is important to realize what you are up against. Whether you understand it or not you are competing with an entity in the affair partner that has been placed on a pedestal and inflicted brain damage on a wandering partner. Those in an affair surrender common sense and rational thought while in an affair. Removing these thoughts and feelings from a wandering partner are difficult and take time. Over the course of an affair a wandering partner has inevitably played the comparison game between his affair partner and the partner whom they have betrayed. During these states of comparison and utter insanity the wandering partner believes that they have often found their soul mate, the person whom completes them and often are willing to sacrifice everything to be with the affair partner, their destiny. The affair partner becomes almost addictive and the secrecy and forbidden nature of an affair only intensifies these feelings. It is difficult to point out the flaws of their intoxicating relationship while in this infatuated state. It only drives them to the affair partner at times. Friends and family attempts to reason with the wandering partner often fall on deaf ears because they just do not understand or bear witness to the connection of the affair partner in the eyes of the wandering partner. What you have is a delusional individual unable to see the forest through the trees. Someone who is at conflict with themselves as they juggle what they know is the truth (they are cheating) versus justification (My relationship is poor so I enjoy being happy too among many other excuses). The perfect partner often fades after a little eye opening and the discovery of the affair. Once the forbidden fruit has been witnessed being tasted by the masses the intrigue begins to fade. When the drape of secrecy is removed it often reveals the ordinary nature of the affair partner and the wandering partner becomes somewhat grounded in reality. The affair partner and the wandering partner begin to see the true nature of the relationship emerges out into the open. A connection filled with lies, deceit, selfishness, immaturity and a difficulty handling life when things become difficult. Initially the wandering partner resents the betrayed partner for forcing an end to the affair and this often drives a short term rekindling of the affair after being caught. It usually takes some time for the effects of the affair to wear off but once affairs are discovered it is comical how quickly the wandering partners find the errors in their ways and attempt to return to the friendly confines of a person whom they suddenly realize has always loved them, cared for them, and demonstrated the true meaning of love.

Neediness of Cheaters

There are very few things that are as painful as finding out that your partner has cheated on you with another individual. The thoughts that immediately raced through my mind after learning of my girlfriends affair could have landed me in prison had I verbalized them to anyone. Being cheated on is about as much fun as bobbing for lemons while sporting an open oozing cold sore. Conventional wisdom and my college counselor informed me that there are always two sides to every situation and I understand that I could have done things differently at times. One thing I learned shortly after studying infidelity is that an affair is seldom the result of the betrayed partner and has much more to do with the selfishness of the wandering partner. If relationships are in such bad shapes that the wandering partner feels it necessary to look elsewhere, why aren't both partners cheating routinely in these relationships? After selfish people are caught cheating and confronted their only logical step is blame everyone else but themselves because this is next to impossible with selfishness, narcissistic people. Most people who are cheated on could have done many things better such as communication, working on the relationship, or other needs the wandering partner found lacking. These are not excuses for cheating. No matter what some people have they always more, better and they believe they can find that elsewhere no matter what. I do not believe that a relationship should have to worry about the hazards of infidelity because not every single need is being met. Unfortunately this is what you get with from self-centered people. Some people like my girlfriend were a black hole of neediness constantly sucking in more energy from our relationship leaving me exhausted; but I never cheated. I could not have given her anymore of myself and it still was not enough. Some people just will not allow themselves to be happy. There are many ways to address problems in relationships when things get difficult and cheating is a very poor selfish choice. Since I found out my girlfriend cheated I have gained self-respect and will never tolerate cheating or behaviors that approach or point towards cheating. My relationships have been much more successful since I put a stop to allowing people in relationships to use me as a consolation prize or a doormat. If you find yourself repeatedly in relationships that involve infidelity begin to look at how you allow people to treat you and the types of people you seek out for relationships. In the end I have learned that some people have a different definition of love and commitment than I do. Try not to spend too much time trying to understand what you could have done to prevent infidelity or cheating. Many times it is the result of a very self-absorbed partner thinking only of themselves and believing they deserve whatever they want.

Possible Problems From A Dating Partner

Reflecting back on my relationship with my girlfriend once again I can honestly look back and thank her for cheating at this point in my life. At the time of her infidelity I was devastated and was always complaining "why me?" How could anyone do this to another individual they are supposed to care about? I went through a stage of self-pity and self-doubt over the actions of another person which is somewhat understandable. My involvement with my cheating girlfriend laid a wonderful groundwork for future relationships despite the intense pain I was to endure recovering from losing a long term relationship and from the infidelity delivered by my girlfriend. From that point on in future relationships I tolerated nothing but complete honesty and truthfulness. If stories did not add up or seemed suspicious I looked into the situation very carefully or often just walked away from the relationship. Upon proper reflection of my relationship with my girlfriend that cheated on me, I failed to fully examine my partner more closely. I was captivated by the intelligence of my girlfriend and was happy to move into a relationship very quickly without looking at her past or several clues that could have tipped me off regarding her past relationships. Angela was involved with someone else and began confiding in me about the difficulties of her relationship and this disclosure eventually spilled into her cheating with me while she was still in a committed relationship with another person. This I should have been an immense beacon radiating a warning that this could be my future should I continue a relationship with this person but I ignored these markers because I was to smitten and infatuated to make a logical reasonable decision. Angela had stated that since she began dating in high school that she had seldom been single for less than three months. She was proud that she was able to move into relationships and obtain the affections of others so easily after breakups and ending prior relationships. This was another sign that she was insecure and high maintenance requiring constant attention to make herself happier through other people. I was an accomplice to her lies, deceit and excuses to cancel appointments scheduled with her boyfriend in order to sneak out with me and I thought nothing of this at the time out of selfishness and being naively young at the time. If I would have looked closely at what she was doing to her boyfriend while we were sneaking around I could have saved myself some very large heartaches and sleepless nights but as I alluded to in the beginning of this post I do not regret being cheated on now. I actually feel fortunate that I was given the opportunity to see her for who she was before I made any lifetime commitments to her. There are many services that allow access to an abundant amount of information on just about anyone today before dating a person such as background checks, police records and even credit checks. You can learn almost all you need know about how a person might treat you in a relationship by listening to some of these remarks they make about past relationships, how their relationships started and ended and how they treat other people in general. I have found those that make chronic excuses about their fellow human beings and feel like they are constantly being persecuted or dealt an unfair shake in life to be highly likely to cheat in their partners. This is anecdotal and unscientific but I stress that you pay attention to what your partners tells you early on in the relationship to home in on statements that are screaming for you to consider looking in another direction for a relatiopnship.

Living The Lie of an Affair

One part of the affair that really dealt me the biggest blow was finding out how long my girlfriend was living a lie of the affair. As I reflected on how long the affair had taken place before I discovered what was taking place, I thought about how we sat together at dinner at times and how she was able to just sit there knowing she was cheating on me with a straight face knowing I knew nothing. This played into my decision much later into why I left the relationship a few months later. As a cheating partner engages in an affair the affair begins to amass emotional energy normally utilized for the primary relationship. The wandering partner has to remember which lies they have told whom, keeping their stories straight from the betrayed partner and juggling a host of emotions between the primary partner and the affair partners. Feelings of guilt and loss of comfort begin to eat away at the wandering partner along with their feelings towards the relationship. For most the affair begins to eat away at them like a parasite slowly triggering a conscience the wandering partner failed to recognize before the affair took place. Relationships become difficult and often unsustainable without trust and honesty. An affair completely obliterates both concepts like using TNT to open a soup can. If someone can sit across from the table from me knowing they are having an affair with someone outside of our relationship, I also knew that there were probably other issues that she was concealing in our relationship that were directly related to the relationship. Living a lie begins to show up in other ways in the relationship. Often the wandering partner begins to make mistakes and inadvertently disclosing signs of cheating. When you confine something as significant as an affair from your primary partner parts of the relationship suffer. Intimacy begins to noticeably taper off like close friends suddenly moving apart, communication dwindles in many areas of the relationship and issues regarding the relationship are stunted for any real opportunities for growth. Living a lie of an affair does take its toll on even the most hardened individuals. Even if a person is able to pull off the façade of being in an affair while in a committed relationship the guilt does often surface even years later compelling some cheaters to confess long after the affair is over. Getting involved or attempting to reconcile with an individual who can so easily live a lie and attempt to live their live with you is a danger to your mental and emotional health. Tread very carefully should you decide to attempt reconciliation. Over half of all affairs go undiscovered by a betrayed spouse.

Revenge Affairs

After being cheated on by my girlfriend I found myself wanting to return the pain she had bestowed upon me with her selfish behavior. It was amazing how quickly I was ready to go off and attempt to attain balance in our relationship by having a little fun of my own just to hurt my cheating girlfriend. As I pointed out in my last post these revenge affairs seldom provide the answers the betrayed partner is looking for. These escapades only complicate a relationship and the balance we seek by repaying our partners with infidelity of our own only creates other imbalances in the relationship. After I caught my girlfriend cheating we sat down and talked about reconciling and what needed to happen to repair our relationship. For several days I looked at my girlfriend and was really disgusted as I looked at her. It was considerably intriguing to me at times how I could love and care for a person one day but feel repulsed and nauseated towards her the follow day after finding out I was dating a cheater. I had difficulty looking at her and I was often so angry at her I did not even want to see her at all. This was the first tip-off that I needed to remove myself from her presence by moving out and separating. Getting payback through infidelity of my own would only lead to me compromising my own morality as well as classifying myself into the realm of cheaters. This is not who I am and I did not ever have to admit that I was a cheater to anyone. Once you introduce the genie of infidelity into a relationship and into your coping mechanisms in relationships there is no getting it back after the deed is done. Some individuals seek empowerment, looking for a self-esteem boost and a way to distribute their anger through revenge affairs. These feelings would be much better addressed in counseling or communicating with your partner. As the idea of a revenge affair or evening the score started to become appealing to me I remember the first few minutes of my discussion with my girlfriend after we attempted to communicate the reasons or excuses for her cheating. As her lips moved attempting to pour out a litany of excuses for her cheating behaviors; none of her excuses were reasonable to me and were inexcusable as she continued to rationalize her behavior. When it comes to cheating there are no good reasons or excuses and that includes revenge affairs. In many ways revenge affairs are worse than actually cheating because they are intended to intentionally inflict harm on the straying partner. Often a straying partner is not intentionally harming the betrayed partner but is just self-centered and selfish hoping they never get caught. If one needs to go out and purposely harm someone by means of a revenge affair why stay in a relationship at all?