Thoughts of a Revenge Affair

The emotions that came to the surface for me immediately after realizing I had been cheated on was anger and wanting to enact some sort of revenge towards my girlfriend. Feelings of revenge only lead to poor choices because most individuals cannot see past anything other than following through with revenge. I quickly thought of situations that I could utilize to quickly have my own affair out of revenge. I was in college when my girlfriend cheated on me and my girlfriend had a few friends at times that appeared a little flirtatious towards me. I was a decent looking guy and I could have looked for opportunities at college parties or other social college events but declined this idea after a few minutes of rational thought. I was tempted to check out these possibilities but as I played out the scenarios in my mind after engaging in sex with someone else I would end up being in the exact same place in the relationship that I found myself in after sex with another person. I wanted to hurt my girlfriend emotionally but what kind of a hypocrite would I be if I went out testing the waters for a one night stand just to harm someone that I still did care for? We obviously had a very complicated road in front of us if I were to choose reconciliation. Why place more barriers in front of our relationship and why bring an innocent person into our flawed relationship just to hurt my girlfriend. If someone decides to have a revenge affair a number of things can go wrong. First your significant other can state that now that you have had your revenge affair that the two of you are even and now it is just time to move forward. A person having a revenge affair could catch an STD or initiate feelings of a relationship from the person that they had sex with when they had no intention of doing so. Your partner may accuse you of having a serious affair for lengthy period of time that only now you are admitting to as a result of finding out about your significant others affair. Revenge affairs really make no sense unless you want to hurt someone before exiting the relationship and even then it is completely infantile. Most people are better than that and have more maturity in problem solving difficult situations in relationships. Revenge affairs seldom play out in the manner that you believe they will. I found the best revenge I ever returned to my cheating ex-girlfriend was years later after seeing her with my new girlfriend and watching her view my happiness with another person whom I could trust.

Taking Advice From Others Regarding Affair

Infidelity will test your personal support systems and you will find out who your real friends are rather quickly once experiencing the turmoil of infidelity. I leaned on every friend I had during those few months I tried to repair my relationship. It is very important that you utilize your support system as a betrayed partner for no other reason than to just keep your mind off of the relationship for a few hours. No matter how strong a person you believe you are infidelity is a battle that is very difficult to endure alone. The reason I bring this up is because while I want you to manage and lean on those that support you as a betrayed partner but do not blindly follow the advice from all your friends, family and other supportive relationships. When I was cheated on by my girlfriend I recall first informing friends and family about this situation they almost all uniformly stated that I should dump my lying cheating girlfriend as if she was nuclear waste spiking radioactivity to my Geiger counter. I found this advice from person after person and I wanted to make sure I was thinking clearly and not making any hasty decisions regarding my relationship. When others are on the outside looking in they often have a protective interest in their friend or family (the betrayed partner) and often have a hardened stance towards those that cheat. I heard all the explanations on what others would do in my situations. The individuals that had the most hardened advice where often the ones with experience with infidelity or affairs in their relationships. Their tolerance for individuals who cheat was nil having personal experience with infidelity. Many of these friends were projecting their frustrations with their personal experience with cheaters but have also been through the pain and understand why a person should lean towards exiting a relationship versus attempting reconciliation after an affair. While their advice may be valuable it is often easy for others to make a decision about your relationship when they are not emotionally involved. It is easy to feel confident in letting go of a person whom you have shared intimate portions of your life with in the company of your support system but when alone the decision becomes more challenging. I was with my girlfriend for five years and found it difficult to immediately throw the hammer down on her as my friends suggested. Many people I talk with regarding infidelity state that cheating is a deal breaker and the relationship should end immediately after discovering the affair. Years later when these individuals face the same demon as I did in infidelity they were not as cut and try as they presented to me when I was in my predicament. This ultimately is a decision that you are going to have to weigh and make on your own. Do not be swayed and place too much credibility in those that portray an all or nothing stance on infidelity. Many couples meander the river of infidelity and find peace and fulfillment in their relationships later. Trust can be restored, respect regained, and relationships can be repaired in time.

Trying To Work Things Out After Infidelity

You have recently found out that your significant other has been cheating on you and you are hurting in ways that you did think were possible. You are overcome with emotional pain, your heart is throbbing in agony, and your relationship with your significant other appears to be uncertain. Everything that was stable in your life in now unbalanced and volatile in every way. What was up is now down, left is now right, etc. The only constant in your life appears to be misery and instability. Your significant other has admitted to infidelity either by honest admission or by you confronting them with overwhelming evidence that it was pointless to keep lying about the affair. Despite finding out about the infidelity, you have decided to attempt to forgive your significant other and move forward with your relationship. However, your partner is having trouble making a clean break from their affair partner. How does a betrayed partner get their partner back wholly into the relationship and get the affair partner out of the picture?

The very first step in the process of repairing your relationship is to reevaluate the entire relationship. This is difficult to do in the emotional state that you are in now and your heart and mind will most likely be immersed with existing bias given that you recently found out the love of your life has been sleeping with other people. Despite the bias, it is imperative that you do some critical thinking regarding your relationship before the affair. Before the culmination of noticing the affair, how was the relationship? Is there something worth saving and working towards repairing? Where there communication breakdowns, frustration with aspects of your relationship, constant fighting? Were you happy, satisfied, content with your future as a couple? It is important that you find the answers to some of these questions so that you understand what you are trying to save and that you are fighting to stay in a relationship for the proper reasons. Staying with someone because you are afraid of yourself, are afraid of loneliness, and fear of avoiding more pain that breaking up with your significant other may cause, are not beneficial reasons for you to remain with your significant other.

While you are reevaluating the relationship, examine certain aspects of the relationship that were important to you. How was your emotional connectedness when you were happy? How was communication between the two of you? Be mindful of your train of thought and do not begin to look towards yourself for excuses as to why your partner cheated. Those who are betrayed partners often look towards themselves as reasons for the affair or betrayals when infidelity occurs. No matter what characteristics, traits, or behaviors you believe you were lacking or you blame yourself for; you certainly did not deserve being deceived, or lied to. Nothing you have done or believe you have done warrants the treatment or predicament you find yourself in now. Never let a partner place any responsibility for their inept behavior onto you. Your partner made a choice to take your relationship elsewhere, not you. Your partner made a choice that they knew was harmful to your relationship and harmful to you personally. In saying that, I think this is an opportunity for you to look at reasons for why your partner felt they needed to look outside the relationship. Was there a communication barrier that your partner felt was too overwhelming that they could not discuss it with you and found comfort somewhere else? It is difficult to focus on personal faults but is there anything in the relationship that you feel that you could have done differently or better? If you are seriously going to try and repair the relationship you have to look at this side of the equation as well as your partners. Affairs are seldom about sex, and usually are the result of a character flaw such as needing attention, having their attractiveness reinforced, building confidence through signs of affection, and the need to be admired by others. Some individuals involved in infidelity feel taken for granted and enjoy that someone can see the positive characteristics that perhaps have been verbally forgotten in a relationship long ago. Take a profound emotional, empirical, and mental look at your entire relationship and look at both yourself and your partner. Nothing has to be immediately determined so take some time with this. Think through the issues such as honesty, the ability to trust, and probability that you could end up in the scenario you are now should you work towards repairing the relationship. Does your significant other have a history of cheating? Is this the first time with you or have there been other times? I would really reconsider taking back a habitual cheater in your relationship and someone who has a history of cheating. The recidivism rate of someone who has cheated in the past on you or other romantic partners is probably pretty high.

As you reassess the relationship and work through the beginning stages of grief do not expect any emotional miracles. You most likely feel like you are being torn apart from the inside out, you can barely breathe at times, your eyes feel like sand paper as every bit of condensation possible has poured out of them. You struggle just to take each breath and the nearest fire escape or bridge seems to be inviting you to take a jump. Even though you are feeling like there is a gaping hole inside your soul it is imperative that you begin to work on aspects of yourself; especially the self-esteem. Most people finding out that they have a cheating partner feel incredible unattractive and their view of themselves are quite appalling. This is your perception of yourself because of the behavior of someone else. The next step towards repairing your relationship is to work on you.

To start off, your significant other must work with you on this relationship. This is a dual process for you and your significant other. This is not a triage between all parties in the affair. You must clearly let your significant other know that any contact between them and the affair partner will not be tolerated. If your significant other continues to contact the affair partner you will have to make a very difficult decision. The only real decision is to remove your significant from your sight for the time being. Your significant other will not take you seriously if you continue to allow them to contact the affair partner. They will not respect you and you cannot fully make any changes or work on the relationship if you look the other way as your significant other continues the affair as you actively work on the relationship. If you are the only one seriously working on repairing the relationship then you should stop working on the relationship as well. If your significant wants their cake and eat it to, it is time for you to lock the bakery and kick your significant other out of the kitchen. So at this point you must let your significant other go. They either have to move out, or you do, but some arrangement has to be made where the two of you are given some space. Be honest about the reasons for the separation. You cannot let yourself be a third wheel, a consolation prize, as your significant other refuses to understand the consequences of their actions. You are not someone to hold on to until something better comes along. Emphasize that you plan on doing some evaluation of the relationship alone since they are not ready to make this a twofold solution. You will collect your thoughts and consider what the next steps in the relationship are, but your partner not participating in the healing process and working with you in the relationship is not a step in the right direction as far as you are concerned. Explain that when they are ready to choose to work on the relationship together with you and they are ready to choose you that you will consider working things out together. This is not a guarantee that you will be around should they decide to continue on with affair. You will have feelings of fear, you will be anxious because you feel that you cannot keep tabs on your partner but you cannot allow yourself continued exposure in such a volatile environment worrying about whether your significant other is cheating or not. I do not recommend this decision callously or without personal experience. I used to come home to a cheating partner noticing pizza boxes much too large for one person to eat, candles in different positions throughout the apartment, and newly purchased bottles of wine opened. It was much better to work on the relationship once I moved out away from the situation and myself as to not focus on the signs of my partner cheating. Why be exposed to reminders of infidelity when you can do so much more for yourself alone? It makes your partner fully consider their decisions as well. Focus on your needs for yourself at this time.

The thing about being the affair partner in this triple relationship is that at some point they are not going to accept being an occasional fling. Feelings develop over time and while your significant other is looking to fill their ultra-sensitive ego and locate someone willing to flatter them in exchange for a relationship of the esteem boost, feeling appreciated, attractive, or belief that someone understands them like no other, their affair partner will not be so willing to share them as they have been. Your significant other has been putting on their best performance with their affair partner. In time, the mask of deception comes off and flaws appear, especially when their primary partner makes them contemplate their future with an affair partner. You know your partners vulnerabilities, their strengths, what made them fall in love with you, in time you can expose these to your benefit should you wish.

Should the separation occur, this is an opportunity for you to move away from the situation to the best of your ability and work on yourself. Do not call your partner asking about their day wondering where they have been or what they have been doing. This will most likely lead to fights and a tendency for you to vent your feelings towards your significant other. Turmoil and unruliness often drive cheaters towards their affair partners. Do not send a hundred text messages with sarcastic overtones inquiring about their behavior. Do not e-mail them, stop by their residence, or begin engaging in stalking type behaviors. Do not attempt to contact your significant other and begin fighting and venting what they have done to you as a result of their behavior. This is a time for you to work on yourself. If you must contact your partner with priorities such as children, finances, or other essential activities to attend to, be cordial and matter of fact with your partner. Use this time separated from your significant other to repair your confidence and self-esteem. Infidelity is very damaging to self-esteem. You have to lean on those around you who have been in your situation or find your personal support network that will make you feel better. There are a number of online message boards for support regarding infidelity. Locate close friends who have the ability to listen and keep your feelings concealed between friends. You had a life before infidelity you will have a life after this should you decide to not go back to your relationship. You need to find the ability to participate in things that will bring you some joy and search out individuals that can help you with this. Read some confidence builder books, participate in activities with others that are positive, or do something that makes you laugh. Force yourself to go for walks, listen to your music that puts you in a good mood. You have to begin the next phase of your life or make the appearance that you doing so. Now is the time to begin that project that you have always wanted to, begin a new hobby, or begin a workout program. Do something that you have wanted to do, but were too consumed with essential priorities before. Keeping yourself, your mind, and especially your heart on other things during this time will help you at times when you need it most.

If you feel overwhelmed with grief, try your best to grieve in private out of the public where others can see you. This process will take time and with each day you will slowly rebuild a little bit of yourself. You will feel a little better on some days, and regress backwards a bit at other times. When you find your mind drifting, give yourself a few minutes to think about the situation, then gather your thoughts and tell yourself you have had your time with my thoughts and heart, now it is time to push ahead with what I should be focusing on. I used to give my mind a time limit when I caught my mind obsessing a bit much on my feelings. One lesson that I was able to take from my own experience during this phase was my obvious dependence on my relationship and significant other. I worked on increasing my social network and finding other aspects of my life that needed attention other than my relationship.

If you do happen to bump into any of your significant others friends, family, coworkers, put on a delightful smile and appear very cheerful, happy, and jovial. Put on your best fake it until you make it performance to make others think that you are doing fine and are happy. Do not inquire about the status of your significant other. This chance encounter of your significant other's associations will get back to your significant other that you looked happy; giving your significant other something to think about as the two of you are apart. To further this process along you may even want to have your personal friends disseminate information about your positive attitude to mutual friends of your significant other.

Given some time apart, your significant other has had time to ponder their life without you and understand what your absence means. At times you may have a tendency to wonder if they miss you, they do. Very few people are able to break from a long term relationship without a sense of loss. At this point, they will have to give some thought to what they have done wrong. They are more apt to want to understand your importance in their live when they have time to think about things alone as well. They will decide whether this relationship is worth the loss of you for the rest of your life. The lack of contact makes cheating partners very worried and tense wondering whether they are still considered a part of your life still or whether you have moved on or not. They are most likely concerned why the lack of contact, have you decided to move on, did you cheat or what have you been doing?

Your partner has most likely given some thought towards your absence from their life and how their decision making got the two of you into this position. Should they call and want to talk about the relationship and you are willing to discuss the relationship, reiterate your position about the two of you working together on the relationship with your no contact specification. If they wish to talk be truthful and honest about your feelings regarding the relationship and wanting to work things out. The bottom line is that your significant other needs to figure out whether they want to pursue a future relationship with you fully and work on your relationship. If they continue to contact the affair partner you have your answer. It is better to end things, fall on the sword, endure the pain and move ahead with your life and make the change towards others who are not selfish and interested only in themselves. The wounds from an affair will never fully heal but some couples are able to come out of infidelity stronger than before given time. The result of your relationship will depend on whether the two of you are willing to make it work. No relationship can function if a partner is going to juggle between multiple partners with no regards to your feelings and your relationship.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Expectation After an Affair

A couple that decides to reconcile after an affair or infidelity must be willing to have clear expectations for both partners. Even though only one partner may have cheated it is still a dual process for both partners if they ever hope to reach reconciliation together. It is very important that all the roles are laid out, ground rules for partners are expressed and clearly verbalize what it is that the reconciling couple is working towards. I have written a few common expectations of couples after an affair has been discovered.

• Comparing the affair to the primary relationship is the road to reconnecting to affair partner. Avoid this if at all possible.
• Make sure the affair is completely terminated.
• Have an idea of exactly how much you are willing to tolerate in emotional let downs or failure to live up expectations discussed.
• Reconciliation is for both partners not just the cheater. The betrayed partner does not get any preferential treatment because they were cheated on.
• Both partners are to have clearly laid out expectations; not just the wandering partner.
• Be completely open and honest about all aspects of the affair and the feelings of betrayal from the affair
• Cheater must display the ability to earn their way back into relationship
• Seek relationship counseling and possibly individual counseling
• The betrayed partner needs time to understand the decision they wish to make regarding relationship. Do not push them to make a decision before they are ready.
• Cheater must display accountability for cheating and should not attempt to blame anyone else for their behavior. Explain the affair versus making excuses
• Rebuilding trust will take time so both partners must remain patient
• Problem solve the relationship issues logically versus using your heart or emotions at the moment. The correct decision is not always the easiest.
• Write down the expectations together so when things become difficult they will help you stay focused
• The cheaters privacy is gone and should allow all access to all areas normally associated with hiding an affair (e-mails, cell phones, etc.)
• Do not allow your relationship to be defined by the infidelity. Attempt to move forward as a couple if that is your goal.
• Make a decision on what you wish to do as a couple and stick to it. No half-hearted attempts or bouncing back and forth between decisions.
• Communicate the root causes of the affair. No blaming the other partner.
• Discuss the manner in which you can earn back trust again
• After discussing the affair and attempting to move forward stop bringing up the affair.
• Focus on the present with your relationship
• Do not tolerate rationalization or excuses for cheaters behaviors
• Keep an open and honest dialogue and assist partner in any way you can for them to get closure from the affair

Once cheating has entered a relationship it is very difficult to rebuild trust. The process of reconciling and forgiveness often takes years to fully recover what was lost as a result of infidelity. Having a few expectations laid out for each other can aid in the process of healing if both couples work diligently towards reconciling. The pathway to recovering from an affair begins with open and honest communication. If you cannot communicate effectively on your own I believe having a professional assist in the process is imperative.

Why Am I The Only One Working Towards Reconciliation?

It is very difficult to work at reconciling after an affair. This becomes even more difficult if only one of you is actually working towards recovery. Separating from an affair partner is difficult because there is often a connection between the affair partner and the wandering partner. The wandering partner does often have emotions and feelings associated with the loss of this relationship. Unfortunately these feeling often cannot be expressed in a healthy manner openly if they are undergoing reconciliation with their primary partner. The primary partner is not going to be too sympathetic to the stages of grief associated with an affair relationship but these feelings and stages do occur in the wandering partner. This is why individual counseling and/or counseling with the primary partner is very beneficial if reconciliation is to be attempted. The wandering partner's feelings of grief for the affair partner can be interpreted as feelings of love by the betrayed partner or lead to thinking that the wandering partner is still attached to the affair partner. As difficult as it is, the wandering partner will need time to recognize the loss of the affair and the affair partner while being asked to reconcile with the primary partner. After I discovered the affair of my girlfriend I looked for the perfect thing to say, the way I should act to display that I wanted to work on repairing our relationship and even began on working towards areas in the relationship where I believed I made mistakes. As much as I attempted to correct these errors and work at reconciling; it was obvious I was working alone or was at least working harder than my girlfriend who had cheated. That was a big indicator to me that I needed to communicate my frustration and expectations regarding reconciliation to my girlfriend. There are no perfect words, displays of affection or romantic gestures that can make someone commit to you or love you. Begging your partner to be faithful or manipulation tactics seldom work a changing the situation in your relationship. If you as the betrayed partner are carrying more of the workload towards reconciliation you may want to reconsider reconciliation. Someone who cheats on their partner and truly wants to work at repairing the relationship will make all the right moves and work extra hard to at least appear willing to work at reconciliation. If the betrayed partner feels like the scales are tipped to their side regarding reconciliation communicate these concerns immediately and be prepared to verbalize your expectations. If your expectations are met with frustration and you find yourself at an impasse be prepared to implement consequences such as a separation, breakup or some time apart to regroup.

After The Affair

One of the most difficult parts of a relationship after the affair is having the ability to trust your partner. I simply could not do it and eventually burnt myself out with racing thoughts and mental images of my girlfriend with her affair partner. The missing elements that I had no information about regarding my girlfriend's infidelity my mind simply filled in with masochistic images. I had no ability to count on my girlfriends loyalty if my girlfriend was not right in my sight at all times. This loss of trust only ate at my heart ever so deeply as trust evaporated rapidly. After losing trust, another difficult portion of rebuilding a relationship after an affair is trying to connect to your partner again. The emotional strain dealt to a betrayed partner from the wandering partner is so appalling I am amazed that anyone actually is able to recuperate from an affair. An affair removes so much respect from a relationship as well as injecting anger, tremendous pain and an abundance of agony into a betrayed partner. Most of the time after an initial discovery of an affair partners go on autopilot and become more acquaintances than committed partners. I found myself not knowing what I wanted after the discovery of my girlfriend's affair. I told myself I wanted to work at reconciling the relationship but I had reservations about allowing her another opportunity to tear me to pieces all over again. The wandering partner often wants to understand what the status of the relationship is and in the beginning there is so much shock from betrayal that few can make rational decisions during this period. As time went on during the attempted reconciliation period which lasted only a few months in my case it was clear my partner was unwilling to fully let go of the affair partner. It is only when the choice was made by me to leave that she suddenly wanted a more serious attempt at our relationship. This is a very common occurrence from a cheating partner. They will treat you like a doormat if you allow them to and they seldom willingly give up all aspects of their affair partners unless boundaries are set. Those in affairs often attempt to fragment the affair after it is discovered. The cheaters often make statements stating that they will still remain friends but no physical relationship any longer. The affair partner's friendship is vital to them or will make other excuses to keep them in their life. Make sure that all your expectations are being met and if they are broken hold your partner accountable. There should be absolutely no contact or any form of a relationship after the discovery of an affair if reconciliation has any chance. If your partner wants their cake and eat it too, it is not your responsibility to serve them the cake. Be careful of an affair partner agreeing to everything and wanting to make life changes such as marriage or more committed relationship out of fear of losing the relationship you have with them. Your cheating partner has displayed a history of lying and deceitful behavior and may attempt to lure you back into submission with these pathetic attempts at restoring a relationship with you. In due time it will be clear that you often do not want a person like a cheating partner in your life. Make no major life decisions regarding your relationship if at all possible after discovery the affair. Someone wanting reconciliation would follow every expectation put in front of them from a betrayed partner. A partner who makes excuses or cannot dislodge themselves from their little side treat should be avoided until they display the ability to change if at all. The cheating partner thought nothing of abandoning your relationship with an affair. They must display actions that state otherwise if you ever wish to fully reconnect as a couple in a relationship again.

How To Catch A Cheater

You have that intuitive feeling that your significant other has been straying from you and seeing another person on the side. You have searched the Internet and read up on common signs of a cheater that a cheater displays in a relationship and you notice that your significant other seems to be screaming I am cheating on you with their behavior. You have delicately approached your significant other but they insist they are committed to you but their body language and behaviors seemed to indicate otherwise. What do you do next to confirm your suspicions? There are several ways a person can go about catching a cheating partner with no money at all or you can spend large sums of money to validate your feelings and providing you with the evidence that you are so badly seeking.

You can catch a cheater very easily without spending a lot of money. If you do not wish to spend any money at all you can easily set a trap for your significant other. This can be accomplished in a variety of ways such as stating that you will be out of town for a few days on a business trip, meeting with friends, or family. Notify your partner of your intentions that you will be out of town for a few days. Ask friends and neighborhood friends to watch for any suspicious behaviors such as not coming home at night, your partner is appearing to be leaving for a few days, or to watch for any unexpected guests to arrive at your home or the residence of your significant other. If you friends notify you of your partners guest you can arrive home early and catch them in the act. You can also arrive home early from your trip or perhaps not go at all citing last minute cancellations and monitor the body language of your significant other if you are unable to catch them in the act.

Another Method to catching your significant other is to have one of your friends or acquaintances unknown to your partner call his cell phone or make suggestive passes at your significant other. Where they open to the process of meeting? Was your name or the fact that they were in a committed relationship even brought up in the topic of conversation? Surf The Internet and run through popular social networking sites and internet dating sites looking for your partner. Do they have a profile on these sites that you were unaware of? If you are lucky enough to find a profile on one of these sites belonging to your significant other answer the ad, suggest that the two of you meet using an alias of course. Answer the profile ad and attempt to schedule a date, private meeting, or even suggest that you are open to a fling. Contact your partner with a phone call or text message before their time of arrival to "see what they are doing". When they lie about what they are doing, this is your cue to be obnoxious and have fun with the situation. If they are willing victims to your set up show up at the scheduled place where they expected to meet your alias. Bring a bunch of cameramen posing as The Cheaters Crew, confront your significant other in a socially inappropriate way to embarrass them, or just sit down with them and pretend you just bumped into them and after about fifteen minutes or so drop the name of your alias and watch them squirm. If you want to spend money to appease your instincts of being involved with a cheater there are a variety of ways that you can entice your partner to confess their indiscretions. One method of catching a partner in the act is to purchase a Keylogger software that gives you access to passwords, e-mails, screenshots, instant messaging content, and key word searches. Many of these software programs are undetectable and can give a wealth of information on your partner's computer habits. It is pretty hard for your significant other to argue with evidence that you have the ability to place right in front of them. One thing that you will love about these programs is that they tell no lies unlike a cheating partner. Many will argue over the ethics of snooping and invasion of privacy concerns of your partner but others value the knowledge of just knowing what is happening in their relationship. Along the same lines there are mobile uploads that you can purchase to spy on your partners cellphone habits, text messages, and other information installed on the cell phone of a suspected cheater. Some other methods that you may attempt is press redial on your partner's cell phone and see who answers. Is Microsoft Office open on their computer? Look at the paste button is it active? If it is click it and see what secrets it possesses. Many individuals attempt to use the copy and paste method into e-mails when writing letters to actually saving a file in a Word Document. Does your partner keep a journal? This is a quick way to validate your suspicions if they keep writing admissions of their rendezvous with their other partners. Another way to catch a cheater is place a GPS Device on their car and attach it to the car in an area they will not find it. Monitor the driving habits of your significant other for a week or so and you can get a pretty could indication of where there car is parked for long periods of time or an approximate area of where your partner is spending their free time. If an approximate address is not confirmed you can certainly ascertain whether or not there are many more miles on the trip from home to work than there should be. Others are finding that lie detectors are suddenly affordable and are now being implemented in many relationships. Set your partner up with an expert lie detector administrator and give them a few questions on your concerns with the relationship. Watch closely as your partner and you watch the squiggly lines dance on the piece of paper like a seismograph located at The San Andréa's Fault. I cannot imagine a cheating partner agreeing to this but the option is out there. If you have a lot of extra money and just want to know without any benefit of the doubt you can always hire a private detective to follow your significant other. This method often provides lucrative returns in knowing for sure what is going on, and providing much needed proof should you see your partner in divorce court. A word of caution for those who attempt to use any of these methods. The fact that you feel the need to go looking for evidence or attempt to catch your partner in the act of cheating points to the conclusion that trust is already broken and that the relationship you have with your significant other is in serious trouble. Once you begin snooping you will often drive yourself insane looking for access to all areas of your partners life to validate your suspicions. In saying that, once a person has that intuitive feeling that something is wrong and begins looking for evidence of infidelity, begins digging into areas of their significant others life, they will undoubtedly find evidence if it is there to find. It is when we trust our partners completely that we are often oblivious to the signs of cheating. Once a partner is suspicious and is able to view the relationship objectively, they no longer miss signals that were not noticeable when they completely trusted their significant other. Very few people are willing to confess their infidelity unless confronted with absolute proof. If you are unable to provide substantial evidence of your suspicions of cheating besides your intuition, you may have to go looking for the evidence in a manner that is considered rudimentary in nature. In the end, it is just better knowing for sure than sitting in a relationship feeling like a an emotional lapdog for a person who does not give your thoughts or feelings much consideration.

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Communicating With The Affair Partner

People often ask me whether or not it is a good idea to speak to the affair partner after the affair is discovered. Some individuals have found it beneficial others have found themselves in domestic situations as a result of wanting to "talk" to the affair partner. Talking to the affair partner will elicit emotionally charged responses as well as posing other problems such as having visuals from this encounter with the affair partner to go with your mental images from the affair. There is also the possibility of feeling inadequate upon meeting the affair partner making personal recovery from self-esteem related issues post affair more difficult. I did contact the other person that was having an affair with my girlfriend and spoke with him on the phone about several issues I was having, such as the amount of time he was calling my girlfriend still after the discovery of the affair, repeated attempts to intervene in our relationship and what his intentions were with my girlfriend. I felt the need to make my presence known to the affair partner and that I was attempting to reconcile with my girlfriend and she had agreed to do so with me as well so there was no real point in him hovering over us like a vulture in our nearly dead relationship. I wanted to put up some clear boundaries between the affair partner and my girlfriend. I lashed out at him for cheating with someone who he knew was already in a relationship and was extremely angry in this confrontation which is why I suggest not doing this in person immediately after the affair. There is too much potential for our emotions to fulminate like a boiling pot of water resulting in physical altercations. The affair partner really did not care about my concerns and it was a rather uncomfortable conversation. Behind the safety of the phone two grown adult males acted like spoiled children fighting for a used up broken toy that neither one of us really should have wanted given my girlfriends behavior. However by asserting myself to the affair partner I felt like I took my relationship back and felt more confident about myself in confronting the affair partner. The positive things that did come from the confrontation were that I was able to piece together a new version of the affair that my cheating girlfriend failed to disclose. I was given new details and an alternative timeline when things took place, how the affair started and how long this relationship had taken place. This confrontation assisted me in taking an active role in reconciliation and put on full display that I was ready to work towards the goal of repairing the damaged relationship. While it is easy to displace the anger from the affair onto the affair partner it was ultimately my girlfriend who decided to sleep with other individuals. She is the person who deserves most of the anger and blame from me; not the affair partner.

Cheaters Efforts Towards Reconciliation

After an affair is discovered there is a lot of hard work to be done by both partners. The work that lies ahead for a couple deciding to reconcile their relationship after an affair will take many months and often years to make their relationship fully functional again. The aching pain and feelings of betrayal will never allow the relationship to ever be the same even if full reconciliation does occur but many couples do report success in repairing a relationship after an affair. It takes a very strong individual to forgive a cheating partner and attempt to move forward in a relationship where they have been betrayed. It is my opinion that the cheating partner must prove themselves honorably to the betrayed partner after an affair. This means that the cheater must acknowledge how they have negatively impacted the relationship with the betrayed partner. This sounds obvious but many individuals that cheat expect both themselves and their tormented partners to just move on with no sympathy or little empathy of the agony their behavior has caused. The affair between the wandering partner and the affair partner must cease with absolutely no contact in the future. I recommend that marriage counseling should be implemented to boost effective communication and both partners in the relationship identify perceived root causes of the affair. The process of healing from an affair is only as good as the effectiveness of a couple's communication and a neutral third party from a professional who can assist in this process. The individual who was cheated on has a relationship to put back together and the arduous task of repairing a deflated sense of self which almost always accompanies finding out an individual has been cheated on. The wandering partner must be willing to do anything within reason to resolve the issues that will lead to reconciliation from an affair. It is important that the cheating partner understand their triggers towards cheating, their weaknesses for certain individuals, and temptations that chronically have overwhelmed them in the past. Failure of the wandering partner to learn these triggers and correct their behaviors related to certain triggers and situations increases the likelihood of continued affairs. These concerns will require active communication and stating these triggers if feeling them during the reconciliation phase. Both partners should work towards sharing feelings and concerns through communication versus acting out their frustrations behaviorally. Cheating and infidelity to do not suddenly come to a screeching halt because the betrayed partner has found out about the affair. The cheater must be the individual that does much of the leg work and actively work towards repairing the relationship with the betrayed partner. If the betrayed partner finds themselves doing more of the work towards reconciliation than the cheating partner then a reassessment of the decision to reconcile may be in order.

Expectations of a Wandering Partner Post-Affair

Many people in a relationship that is threatened with the disaster of infidelity do attempt to work on repairing the relationship. For this to occur, I believe that it is important that the betrayed partner have some very clear expectations in their mind about what they will tolerate once both individuals in the relationship agree to attempt to reconcile the relationship. The betrayed partner has to be very watchful that the break between the affair partner and their significant other actually takes place. It is very difficult to completely break free from an affair even when the affair is discovered by the betrayed partner. Most often some feelings have developed with the affair partner and the affair itself was addictive in nature to the wandering partner. It is not uncommon for the wandering spouse to attempt to reconnect or seek out the affair partner weeks or months after the discovery of the affair by a betrayed partner. It is imperative that the betrayed partner stress transparency in the wandering partner's life and that the betrayed partner take care of themselves first. I am not stating that the betrayed partner should date others or look for other relationships. I believe that keeping busy and not completely investing everything in a person whom has recently betrayed you in the most intimate way is important for the person whom was betrayed. A betrayed partner has to make it clear to the wandering partner what will and will not be tolerated as the couple attempt to reconcile a very fragile relationship. First of all, contact between the wandering partner and affair partner must cease immediately. Any further contact such as phone calls, e-mails, text messages should be disclosed to the betrayed partner and all contact should be as short as possible. The wandering partner should reaffirm that the affair is over to their former affair partner if contacted by the affair partner and be very brief with very well established boundaries. If the affair took place in the work place only work place conversations will be allowed (I strongly suggest new employment or a transfer if possible). These boundaries have to be established and adhered to; no exceptions. If they are not, the betrayed partner has to make some tough decisions about the relationship. If your partner is unable to make a full commitment towards repairing the relationship than I see no reason to continue working towards reconciling the relationship because you are doing so individually. If you notice more lies, repeated contact with affair partner and feel you are doing more work than the person who betrayed the relationship; leave and find someone who will treat you in the manner you rightly deserve.

Why Affairs Seldom Survive Into Primary Relationships

Individuals struggling to hold a long term relationship or a marriage together at times look outside of their relationship in an attempt to search for happiness that has been missing from their lives for some time. Some of these individuals are looking for companionship, others are searching for physical needs and others for emotional connection that they believe has been absent for far too long. Affair partners are an escape from a major drought that has been occurring in a long term relationship for many months and an affair provides the temporary oasis that a wandering partner believes they so desperately seek. What is actually taking place is the avoidance of the real issues that are truly missing from their primary relationship. Unfortunately the affair partner is more of an instrument to help a hurting person deal with serious internal conflicts versus any serious consideration for a life partner. The affair partner is more of a guiding light that serves as illumination that there are serious problems internally in a straying partner and in the primary relationship that the straying individual should be focusing on but is sidestepping. The affair partner that a wandering partner chooses to step outside of the long-term relationship with is seldom successful at either getting the wandering partner to leave their betrayed partner and even less likely to survive into a serious relationship if the straying partner should leave their primary partner. Less than three percent of affairs will result in a marriage after the primary relationship they have rejected has ended or the affair is found out by the betrayed spouse. This is very poor percentage given that recent statistics puts the infidelity mark in marriages at about forty percent for women and over sixty percent for men. Statistics such as these make you wonder why even engage in an extramarital affair at all. Many affairs could be rationalized as one night stands, friends with benefits, but many affairs are often consummated with those whom some sort of relationship is at least discussed. So why do so many affairs routinely end abruptly or fail to make it into serious relationships? Relationships that start out as affairs have far too much baggage to begin with to make it into the realm of a delightful, stable relationship. The stress that is caused on the wandering partner, the guilt associated with the affair, trying to understand the reasons for the affair, the fear of discovery of the affair are just a few of the additional pressures that relationships involving affairs have to manage.

Once the affair surfaces, the primary partner whom is betrayed is forced to act in one manner or another through addressing the betrayal in the relationship. The betrayed individual often puts ultimatums on the affair relationship, or kicks the wandering spouse out for the betrayal. The affair that appeared so perfect, the partner so understanding, validating all the needs that the wandering spouse believed where missing from their primary relationship suddenly appear shockingly juvenile in nature when expected to make a decision between the primary relationship and the affair partner. The wandering partner begins to realize they had more of a playmate in the affair partner than a confident who actually knew them like no other. All the flaws that where overlooked in the affair partner rise to the surface faster than a great white shark noticing a seal swimming directly overhead. The affair partner was absolutely delightful, charming, and charismatic when the wandering partner was able to meet them on their own terms. When you have to begin formulating a life with that person free of the excitement of engaging in behavior deemed mischievous, along with responsibilities of adult existence, your soul mate begins to disappear faster than a bee-bee shot in the dark. Once the wandering partner has to meet the affair partner on a daily basis and begin real life with them, the fog of the affair evaporates and clarity is often restored to the wandering partner. The wandering partner sees a life filled with drama, emotional baggage, jealousy, just to cite a few issues in which the relationship with an affair partner is newly founded upon. One of the only bonds that the wandering partner has with the affair partner is the secret of the affair and once that is gone real life begins to make the grass on the side of the fence you are currently standing appear brown, flaky, with far too many dead patches.

Affairs often begin as most early relationships do in that they are blinded by infatuation, require very little commitment, and riddled in in the forbidden behaviors which make them that much more alluring. While engaging in an affair a person is enjoying the attention, basking in the notoriety of the affair, energized by the secrecy of the affair, and is often more in love with the affair than the affair partner. The feelings experienced in an affair are synonymous with our youth when told not to engage in sex for a variety of reasons and on many nights you find yourself sweating in up in the backseat of your car coming home completely proud of yourself putting on a face of pretending nothing is happening for your parents. While filled with excitement of an affair a person can very easily power through their guilt as they find themselves engaging in sexual activities that they have not engaged in many years, blame their partner for "forcing" them into their current predicament because of failing to meet their needs versus taking any ownership of the relationship they are fleeing from. Like the early stages of relationship the infatuation soon fizzles away and reality soon slowly begins to show itself. Affairs are often conducted on the terms of the wandering partner from a primary relationship. They see the affair partner when they can arrange it and confuse the feelings of infatuation and excitement with feelings of love. It is very easy to overlook flaws in a person whom you have very little connection with, do not have to make any real level of commitment with, and are only focused on the great times that an affair partner and a wandering partner can share. There are seldom any real issues to work through other than pressure to leave another person or spouse. As infatuation begins to wear away the affair often becomes more of an inconvenience than it is actually worth and the affair ends. The average length of an affair is about a year to a year and half, which just happens to be the length of time it takes to really get to know someone intimately. As the affair continues to last several months or years the affair partner begins to often want more from the wandering partner, is sick of the secrecy, wants a larger commitment, sick of sharing their partner, and sick of scheduling their relationship around the wandering partners significant other's circumstances. The relationship the affair partner and the wandering partner envisioned suddenly does not live up to the excitement of the first few months. The love the wandering partner believed they were feeling fades like the sun during a solar eclipse. The wandering partner realizes they have been bitten by the infatuation bug and all those tempting love notes exchanged at staff meetings about believing that their coworker down the hall is their soul mate suddenly feel more of a burden then it is worth.

The most difficult part of forming a lasting relationship is commitment and trust in your significant other. This presents a very large problem with an affair partner as its foundation is saturated in secrecy, deceit, lies, cheating, and presenting to others that everything in life is great as you wander through life hurting yourself and others. Trust is the cornerstone of every serious relationship whether it is friendship or serious intimate relationships. It is no wonder why a relationship built on the characteristics of lying and scamming those closest to you never materializes into anything deeper. If you sit by and watch another person you share your bed with routinely deceive his significant other, can any trust actually be formed if the affair partner and the wandering partner ever are lucky enough to be together in a primary relationship? The wandering partner has displayed a history of cheating on their primary partner with the affair partner; the affair partner has to know at some point it will be just as easy for the wandering partner to do the exact same thing to them. History often repeats itself in relationship behaviors and a person who will cheat with you, will often cheat on you. If the relationship ever matures to a point when the affair partner and the former wandering partner have their own conflicts and difficulties, it would be difficult to forget what was the wandering partners choice in coping mechanisms when things became very difficult; cheating, lying, and communication avoidance. Anyone capable of lying in a primary relationship on a routine basis will use these same tactics in another relationship. Even if the former wandering partner does happen to reform their former cheating behaviors, will the affair partner ever really be able to trust them in difficult moments of a relationship? Would anyone actually want to take that chance the wandering partner has changed their ways when history has showed differently?

Affairs are often an all or nothing game with friends and family. Friends may or may not stick by you after learning of the affair but family members are more apt to take a hardened stance against affairs. The decision to have an affair or leave the primary relationship for another person often risks the support network that has taken years to build. Learning about an affair from friends and family often leads others to hold negative feelings for the wandering partner as a result of their behavior. Having the support of friends and family at one point in your life and losing the entire support system, watching the social supports evaporate in front of you is not exactly one of life's lessons most people are willing to take. Very few individuals are willing to risk friends and family that they have known for years. Friends and family that do support the wandering partner are more apt to hold a very negative grudge or harbor resentment for the affair partner. This is especially true if they liked the betrayed spouse or betrayed significant other. Even in the most difficult times of a long term relationship or marriage the betrayed spouse is often supportive in times of need, assisted wandering partner in difficult situations, stood by them when life through the wandering spouse curve ball. Even though the wandering spouse is rejecting the betrayed spouse, they are still often a means of support the wandering spouse is accustomed to.

Once in a long term relationship it is difficult to leave no matter the situation. Many wandering partners often rush back to the betrayed partner once they realize the pain they caused their significant other as a result of their affair, vowing to end the affair immediately, and suddenly conjuring up the ability to verbally address the real issues of the primary relationship in a moment when the relationship is the least fragile. Relationships that a person knows they are better off without are difficult to end because of emotional investment, stability, fear of making a wrong decision, and so forth. If or when the wandering partner does leave it is a process that involves great time and energy to fully make it through the grieving process. The loss of a long-tern partner takes months and sometimes years to fully recover from. Many affair partners are not willing to sit by and watch a person painfully withdraw from a primary partner without animosity for the relationship they are grieving over. Any feelings the wandering partner tries to cover up to maintain the relationship with the affair partner often come out in other areas of the relationship such as anger issues, temper outbursts, irritability, with a host of other emotional baggage resulting from not addressing the grieving process appropriately. For years the wandering partner has been familiar with their role in a setting with the betrayed partner and understood the routines of daily life, they usually have someone they could depend on in serious circumstances, and the stability of that relationship makes life so much less chaotic. A person who leaves their significant other after a long period of time may regret their decision later and actively look for ways to reconnect with the betrayed partner down the road. No matter how poor the current relationship is in the primary relationship there was a time when great feelings of love, respect, commitment, and encouragement were present. These feelings may be buried, diminished at the present time, but these feelings are often lurking even in the most desperate of times in long-term relationships. Often it is not until a wandering partner leaves, has to attend to life without their long time significant other that they realize that their decisions to leave or have an affair were impulsive, a mid-life crisis, or struggling communicating with their primary partner. Once reality has set in for many of these wandering partners and daily life creeps in on them they suddenly miss what they had with their life partner whom they have known for so long.

Affairs seldom turn into anything besides a distraction because that is exactly what their true intentions are trying to mask. Many people who engage in affairs are suffering from grandiose delusions when they tell themselves they are in love or are under the belief that they found the person who understands them like no one else ever has. As much as the wandering partner wants to convince themselves that they are in love, the majority of the time they are only reacting to the primary relationship and what they believe is missing from that relationship. Affairs are usually just a symptom to a larger underlying issue and not the problem itself. Individuals engage in affairs because they are having negative feelings regarding their relationships with their significant other or suffering from issues regarding themselves. Most affairs take place when primary relationships are traversing through difficult periods and all modes of communication begin to cease or drastically break down. Affairs often take place inside a person's mind for some time until the wandering partner seeks emotional or physical fulfillment from which they believe they are lacking. The wandering partner seeks a connection with others; possibly because they are not getting their connectedness from their primary relationship. Instead of communicating on the difficulties in the relationship or about personal feelings about themselves, wandering partners turn to others for validation, for self-esteem boosters, or reaching out for anything that will make themselves feel better about their internal self. These feelings serve to bolster the wandering partner's perception of the primary relationship, catapulting blame on the betrayed partner, leading to rationalization of excuses for an affair to begin. As the primary problems in the primary relationship continue to go on being ignored, many individuals begin to look outside of their primary relationship attempting to fill that dark chasm in their hearts that has seen not so much as a flicker of light in months or even years. The affair offers the wandering partner escape from the real issues in their primary relationship, while at the same time satisfying their emotional and physical needs that are being overlooked in their primary relations according to the wandering partner. It is much easier for many to turn towards others outside the primary relationship looking for that missing piece they believe fits them instead of looking inward for what is truly missing. The solution is obvious in the wandering partner's mind given their validation from their new "love" interest. It is a wonderful distraction from adult responsibilities and personal ownership of what is really missing from their life. What makes this coping mechanism all the more depressing is that by avoiding the hole in their own self-worth, their relationships, and how they are perceived by others, person's engaging in affairs will more than likely repeat this ugly pattern once again in a new relationship or with an affair partner. Individuals often repeat the same patterns again and again until the cycle is broken by finding out what is missing from themselves and their relationships. This pattern will continue until the wandering partner is able to repair what is missing from themselves, how they believe they are perceived by others, or pursue other avenues to change the pattern of infidelity.

In the end, affairs are seldom about a love connection or about finding our soul mate. Affairs are often more about the feelings we have about ourselves and the needs that you perceive for each other in a primary relationship. Affairs can often be circumvented if proper communication is implemented in the primary relationship and far fewer children, other people, and significant others are harmed in the process. The allure of the affair often blinds a person with the feelings of being with someone new, the feelings of excitement, and the attention received from a person that validates what they believe they should be receiving in a primary relationship. Time would be much better spent leaning on support network in times of deep emotional pain such as close friends, primary partners, and marital counseling. People often confuse those closest to them in difficult times as escape artists for us to utilize in affairs instead of noticing how far they have actually drifted from our primary partners. Before running towards those people that validate us, make us feel wonderful, appear to be the one we missed out on or are perfect for us, begin to look at ways to heal yourself and your relationship through communication. Affairs will not make a primary relationship stronger; it is only a temporary solution to questions that will make the solution unsolvable or much more difficult. All the great sex done in secrecy will eventually have to be answered for by family, friends, and the primary partner at some point. The perceived fun you are presently experiencing will damage the primary relationship that much more later down the road when discovery day surfaces. Very few people who have experience with affairs state in was a positive experience looking back. Many openly state that if they could do it all over again affairs are the one mistake they wish they could take back or change. This is an opportunity to learn from others and not get started in affair in the first place.