Making It Through The Holidays Single

A few years back I can remember that the holidays were a time of increased anxiety for me and feelings of embarrassment when admitting that I was single. While I was single it seemed the minute I ran out of candy for trick-or-treaters on Halloween that some celebrity immediately sprinted to my television screen like a cheetah to perform their holiday infomercial, sporting the brand new jewelry of the holiday season. The commercials that ensued on November first appeared to be crammed with happy couples opening Christmas gifts and exchanging happy moments in typical glamorized Hollywood fashion that not only made me feel inadequate because of being single, but made me feel like I was living below the poverty line as well because of the gargantuan prices that were flashed across the screens portrayed as bargain prices. Holiday shopping days like Black Friday only reminded me that I had no one to shop for outside of my family and I felt like an imperfect person for the audacity of being single during the holiday season. As the holidays approached I made my mandatory appearances at family gatherings and I inevitably managed to sit next to someone who could plan my life better than I could. I always seemed to have nosy family and friends asking me why I was single and advising me where I could meet the next future ex-girlfriend of mine. When I spent time with family I only seemed to be reinforced that I was doing something wrong with my personal life. Family and friends told me how wonderful I was and could not understand how I continue to be single given all the wonderful characteristics I possess. At other holiday gatherings I had relatives playing Chuck Woolery of Love Connection asking me if I was interested in being set up with someone a relative knew I would be perfect for. Then there were the love sick relatives going on their fiftieth anniversary reminding me that I will soon find love as they did as the touched each other's hand and engaged in a passionate kiss right in front of me which looked closer to a poorly constructed attempt at CPR than a loving sign of affection as I slowly spit out my mother's homemade stuffing and her lightly buttered turkey which was one of the few highlights I actually looked forward to at those holiday gatherings. There was a period of time where I would agree to come home for the holidays but just confined myself to my old room as I attempted to hibernate like a grizzly bear hoping to awake several months later after the holiday season had passed. When single during the holiday season I felt like something was wrong with me, like I belonged on The Island of Misfit Toys. I was depressed at a time when everyone around me was filled with joyfulness and delighted with the environment of The Christmas Season. I just wanted a time machine to boost me forward from the fourth Wednesday in November to December 26^th. I just wanted to find some way to avoid all of the holiday pleasantries.

Of course this never happened. I was forced to watch as everyone in my vicinity was happily decorating their homes as the smiles and happiness seemed eternally burned into their faces. Everywhere I drove the front yards of homes were lit up like guiding lights attempting to signal planes overhead from those stranded on a deserted island below. Everyone else was happier than me, and life seemed so unfair to me at that time. Everyone was getting engaged, married, or celebrating their first Christmas together. I looked at everyone with contempt as if I was The Grinch and all those around me were the Who's from Whoville. The holiday season seemed so cruel to me, the single guy.

Being single during the holidays or any other day is not an affliction that a person must shyly acknowledge in the presence of others like we have just been caught in lie. Do not allow the media, friends, family, or even your coworkers to pass judgment, make assumptions, recite homilies about the direction your life is headed or how this will be the year for you to make those great changes that everyone knows that you have the capability to make. If you prefer a more proactive approach I have several suggestions for maintaining your sanity as a single person when everyone else around you appears to be spurting holiday cheer from every single one of their pores, gushing happiness with every blink of their eyes, and every second that goes by you are that much closer to converting to atheism or Jehovah's Witness as an attempt to never celebrate another holiday.

First of all, during the holidays try and find things that will keep your mind off of the fact that you are single or alone. While all those happy couples are French kissing under the mistletoe take this time to think about your plans for your future. This may be a time to start a journal about yourself. My greatest introspections came on "couple's holidays" such as Valentine's Day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas while single. The alone time I suffered through back then really made me think about where I was heading in my personal life, mistakes I was making, how I was underachieving professionally and about the type of people I was routinely dating. Begin by writing about all the positive things you see in yourself and things that you may think you need improvement on. If you are daring begin to give yourself some constructive criticism on your dating habits and scrutinize where you may be making some mistakes. This is not a time to call an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend but look at ways to improve your interactions with others. This is also a time to write your New Year's Resolutions and write late Christmas Cards to friends and family.

Before you decide to embrace the holiday cheer of family and friends take your own designated time to spoil yourself. Give yourself the royal treatment this holiday season and pamper yourself. If you have a little extra money get that haircut that you have been thinking about, try out a new fashion sense and go shopping, or get yourself a personalized spa treatment. If you just want to stay indoors and avoid the pillaging holiday shoppers, stay in and watch a few of your favorite movies, rent a new movie, read a new book, play a video games, etc. but do not sit around at home feeling sorry for yourself. Doing nothing provides your mind the fuel to start the engines of sorrow and pity in your mind. Build yourself a warm crackling fire, sample a few new savory wines you have been thinking of trying, and just relax. Before you go off to bed think about taking a nice warm bath while listening to soft music ( my favorite is The Blue Danube Op. 314 or Four Seasons) or spend some time in a Jacuzzi if you have one. If you want to be silly wrap yourself some presents and put them in a stocking or under the tree for yourself in the morning.
If you do not want to be alone or this the first holiday season you have been alone for a while, contact family and friends and schedule times to meet with them. As you agree to meet with friends and/or family provide some backup plans for yourself to make sure you enjoy yourself. If you are going to be around friends or family an extra few days offer to cook one day for everyone to help yourself remain busy. Try and catch up with old friends you grew up with who live near your family still. Look at local theatres for a new movie you can see alone or with someone you actually want to spend time with, or plan something special with your friends. Try and avoid the amount of time you spend with married couples or friends in long term relationships if it makes you uncomfortable being around those that remind you of your solitude relationship status during the holidays. Plan your exit strategies in advance with an excuse about the demands of work or obligations in your neighborhood if you begin to feel like a unicycle in a room full of bicycles.

This is not the most exciting way to plan the holidays but volunteering will certainly be the most rewarding. There is never a shortage of individuals down on their luck, stricken with medical conditions, or just elderly individuals who routinely spend every day and every holiday alone whom have very little family contacts left in their lives. These individuals view the holiday season as a chronic reminder of their solitude, with little contact from others, feelings of near seclusion, loneliness, with no family or friends to share their life experiences with. Here is your opportunity to truly earn a few points with the karma gods. Contact local food kitchens, homeless shelters, Salvation Army, Goodwill, food banks, churches, and ask if you can assist them during the holiday seasons. Walk through a nursing home and stop by a few individuals rooms and chat with them for a few minutes. It is pretty difficult to volunteer in places that I described previously and not feel much better about yourself on your drive home after volunteering. A female friend and I visited hospitals and nursing homes with our clients who were children diagnosed with severe emotional behavioral disorders during the holidays a few years ago. Even the most hardened children found the experience to be rewarding. Volunteering is also an opportunity for you to expand your social connections and to come in contact with some very wonderful people in the process of volunteering. Along with volunteering, make yourself available for other that you know are in need of assistance during the holidays. Check in with the neighbor down the street who is seldom seen or heard of. Make a stop by their residence and just sit down with them for an hour over the holidays. Be sure to notice the smiles from others you spent time with that are in a much worse predicament than you, as they show their appreciation of your presence.
Whether you believe it or not you are not the only single person in the world during this holiday season. There are single events that are planned for people just like yourself for the holidays. Look in your daily shopping guide, newspaper, postings at grocery stores, churches, local taverns or even social websites for locations for singles gatherings. Let friends know that you are open to being set up with others that are single near the holiday seasons if you are open to this. Make an effort to converse with strangers you normally would ignore, make an extra effort to smile at others that you do not know as you walk past them, and accept social invitations that you normally would pass on. Being single during the holidays does not mean you live a life of isolation or making preparations to quarantine yourself from the outside world. You never know where and when you may meet someone that is right for you and it might happen over the holidays at some random social engagement.

If you know that you are not going to do anything exciting for your holidays offer to help other friends or family out by offering to watch their little crumb crunchers so your friends or family can have some alone time with their significant others. Be creative with the kids and decorate some cookies, take them outside and go sledding, build an igloo, go ice skating, build a snowman, make a snow fort, take them out for a scavenger hunt, or make a few tunnels in the snow banks. If you are not going anywhere for the holidays why not get paid in the process. Volunteer to pick up a shift or two from coworkers at work with there being an understanding that they will owe you one when you need it.

Hold your own holiday get together with singles in your social circle to get you through your holiday debacle. Schedule a few "team activities" at your party that involve coed teams, such as darts, board games, or my favorite Twister. If holding a singles holiday party makes you feel uncomfortable throw a party for your department at the office. In either case invite others to you so you are not so focused on finding others to spend time with on the holidays. Making the preparations for others to come visit you will assist you in feeling less desperate in seeking out others to avoid being alone on the holidays. Some individuals are not able to reach out to others for fear of rejection and holding your own party provides a remedy for your isolation and fears of inviting yourself to friends or family.

Stay busy by starting or finishing some projects around the house that you have been putting off due to lack of time. Clean a closet, organize a few shelves, or attempt to clean the basement at your home. Take the time during the holidays to learn a few guitar chords, martial arts, or begin learning a few new habits that you have always wanted to try. If none of the above apply to you consider making your apartment or home looking like a department store as you focus your energy on creatively decorating your place for the holidays.

Most of all, remember that the holidays are all about the spirit of giving and you are not required to do anything. You may have supportive friends and family but sometimes it is just best to give yourself time alone for a while during holidays. Let others enjoy the holidays in their own special way but do not force yourself to be something you are not. I have never really liked chameleons; do not pretend to be Jolly Old Saint Nick just because everyone else appears to be festive. Do not cave to the expectations of the media, the constant barrage of happy couples depicted everywhere, and allow these messages to make you feel poorly about yourself. Happiness usually begins with yourself and you can still be happy and single during the holidays. Lean on those that have been special in your life and let them know what their friendship or relationship has meant to you. The holidays are a great time to begin searching for that person that will make the next year really special. I met my wife on New Year's Day at a location I had almost decided not to attend because I was still very busy basking in the suffering from an ex-girlfriend. Had I chosen not to meet my wife that evening my life would be vacant in so many ways had I followed through and declined the invitation that year. If a chance occurrence like this can happen for me, it can certainly happen to you.


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Beginning An Affair

When most individuals think about affairs they usually envision some sort of Hollywood stereotype where a lust driven male is overwhelmed in his weakness for women that he succumbs to a beautiful scantily clad woman that is way out of his league. In the throes of a passionate one night stand involving incredible sex, little emotional connection and even less analytical thinking our sexually charged couple tears each other's clothes off in an animalistic feeding frenzy pinning each other to the wall vertically barely able to take a breath as a result of being engulfed in white hot eroticism. Reality is much different than the images conjured up in our minds and even further away from anything Hollywood has to offer. Affairs seldom just happen and most individuals who engage in an affair knew their affair partner quite well before taking the affair plunge. Affairs frequently begin as friendships with poor boundaries. Coworkers, colleagues, friends and other platonic relationships of the opposite sex are not intended for affairs but a few lunch breaks together, exchange of e-mails and a comfort begins. Once a comfort is built a person with poor personal boundaries is often compelled to share information about their life and if the boundaries are limited emotional information is exchanged. Exchange of emotional information is the blue print for affair development. Affairs often begin because individuals are unhappy in their primary relationship. One or both partners in the relationship have unmet needs or want something more from the primary relationship. This need may have been communicated, ignored completely or not taken seriously from the partners in the relationship. The longer the need is unmet or disregarded an emotional distance begins to develop and resentment begins to roll through the mind of an unhappy partner. Once resentment begins to fester individuals begin to start the justification process in their minds believing that they are entitled to be happy or that my partner is not meeting my needs. The now straying partner begins to believe they deserve someone who understands them and will communicate their needs better to them. They begin to notice how everyone else is happier than they are and it does not seem to be fair in their eyes. What is happening is the door towards an affair taking place is beginning to slowly creak open. It is a thunderous wakeup call that something in the relationship needs immediate repair and communication needs to be implemented immediately to their partner in the primary relationship. In many instances, resentment has pitched a tent in the ego of the straying partner rendering more attempts at communication unlikely. When communication is not attempted the straying partner begins to look for an individual that can meet their needs. This person is often a person they straying partner has access to such as a work colleague, personal friend or casual acquaintances they are aware of. Chance conversations in which minor levels of approval, acceptance and agreement are exchanged begin to feel like gateway drugs to euphoria. This simulating conversation often impedes the difficult communication processes occurring with the primary partner and the now wandering partner begins to refuse most efforts of communication with the primary partner. Instead of communicating their wants and needs of the primary relationship the wandering partner returns towards the individual that is meeting their current needs. Like a lost puppy returning home to its owner for a pat on the head the wandering partner returns to the person that is communicating with them , validating them , praising them, making them feel special and appreciated. The partner feels accepted and complete with this other person and begins to think about them more than they should. The wandering partner begins to wonder what a relationship would be like with this friend. These thoughts and feelings accelerate. The wandering partner is curious when they can get together and talk again with their friend who is so easy to talk to. As communication between the wandering partner and friend increase the wandering partner begins to hide text messages, e-mails, and phone logs. In time the wandering partner begins to flirt a bit, they become very complimentary, discuss how easy it is to talk to each other. The relationship between the wandering partner and the friend begins to become an emotional affair until one of them makes the stupid mistake of expressing their feelings for the other. Once feelings are mentioned or an interest past friendship is discussed the affair often blasts off like a rocket igniting off the launch pad. Soon after the delusion of love appears, as does feelings of finally finding their soul mate and thoughts of running away together start entering the minds of the affair partners. The two individuals often find that they are almost addicted to each other and the sex involved in affairs is often exhilarating as a result of its forbidden nature and connectedness that the wandering partner believes they have found in the affair partner. Most needs that occur in affairs are emotional not sexual. Sex is the end result after a wandering partner begins to find an individual that fulfills their missing need. This need is often the result of listening, presenting empathy and understanding from an individual willing to communicate and be one hundred percent attentive. It is feeling validated by the affair partner, feeling that a partner's opinion matter that a partner is being listened to and respected. When it gets down to the root of the problem the wandering partner is running away from it is about communicating all the needs in the relationship and actively listening. Many partners in relationships believe they are listening but what they are missing is an empathetic viewpoint from their partner. As much as you may believe that you are listening to your partner it makes no difference if your partner perceives your listening as condescension, ignorance or insulting. If your partner's belief is that you are not an effective communicator no matter what you are actually doing, you are not an effective communicator. To avoid beginning an affair or engaging in an affair learn to conclusively communicate. If your partner is angry and you feel tension in the relationship discuss it without blaming, accusing or rationalizing your perception. Leave all communication about your relationship and your partner with your relationship partner and close same sex friends and family. If you talk about your relationship at work do not discuss the relationship or your partner negatively. If you find yourself attracted to individuals at work do not allow yourself to be alone with this individual or be around them while drinking alcohol. Discuss ways that you and your partner can improve your relationship, where the weaknesses are, discuss relationship boundaries and ways to avoid infidelity in your relationship. The main culprit in most relationships is not communicating maturely or effectively in relationships. If you find yourself not being understood by your partner seek counseling before seeking an affair partner.

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Affair Withdrawal

Affairs seem like a great idea in the beginning when there are no emotional attachments, when all parties involved have yet to be hurt or when that long awaited need is first satiated by the affair partner. As the lies begin to unfold and the wandering partner becomes creative in their deception little do they understand it is they who are being deceived. Affairs begin to take on a life of their own and become compulsive in nature for the wandering partner. Wandering partners in affairs are like pyromaniacs who "just want to play with matches". Before the wandering partner realizes it the affair partner is all they can think about. The wandering partner begins to think about ways to get away from their betrayed partner, which excuses they can utilize next to see their affair partner and what kind of mind blowing experience will be shared next with the affair partner. Once the wandering partner has reached this state it really does not matter if they are married, have families or have a n excellent job everything becomes secondary to the affair partner. The affair partner becomes addictive and like those struggling with addictions the wandering partner begins to change their behaviors, their personality often changes, along with emotional and psychological differences that become noticeable by others. Soon the wandering partner is making observable mistakes and soon after these errors lead to the discovery of the affair. . After the affair is discovered the wandering partner usually vows to end the affair and return to their primary partner if the betrayed partner allows it. The wandering partner confesses that they have seen the errors of their ways and wants to work on the primary relationship. Once the affair is discovered the affair is often immediately terminated without any closure if the wandering partner chooses to stay with the betrayed partner. However, the positive feelings and associations tied to the affair partner in the mind of the wandering partner are difficult to quit cold turkey. Wandering partners are often mesmerized by their affair partner and have a painful time letting go after the affair. Like a junkie looking for their next fix the affair partner leaves an emotional and psychological craving that the wandering partner desires. The sex that takes place in an affair is stereotypically and sociologically frowned upon and viewed as immoral which results in feeling that the sex in the affair was extraordinarily amazing. The wandering partner often believes that they have a special connection both sexually and emotionally to the affair partner leading to difficulties facing the end of the affair. In the mind of the wandering partner the affair partner filled a void that was missing in themselves and their relationship with their primary partner. For much of the affair the wandering partner found feelings that were missing for possibly years such as euphoria, elation and even a generally optimistic outlook on life. The wandering partner begins to believe they were better suited for the affair partner than their primary partner. Once the affair partner is removed the wandering partner often sinks into affair withdrawal. These feelings are the result of no longer having the affair partner around and the wandering partner begins experiencing the stages of grief resulting from the loss of their affair partner. The wandering partner is often angry, irritable, experiencing mood swings along with depression and anxiety. As the wandering partner addresses the loss of the affair partner the wandering partner will also have to address the issues of guilt, shame and blaming themselves for the affair relationship with the betrayed partner. These feelings of affair withdrawal can last for weeks or months depending on how the wandering partner disconnects from the affair partner. A betrayed partner that assists in the process of affair withdrawal by allowing some empathy in the grieving process can greatly reduce the affair withdrawal process. If the wandering partner continues contact with the affair partner the withdrawal process will take much longer or will be completely useless due to the wandering partner not removing themselves from the affair relationship. Sustaining contact with the affair partner restarts the entire process of facing withdrawal, healing, and moving forward all over again. Agreeing to contact the affair partner is like a male black widow entering the web of the female black widow. They feel compelled to enter, biologically and psychologically but they know in the end the result will not be positive. Any contact that is initiated with the affair partner after discovery will most likely be negative and make the wandering partner feel worse so just fight the temptation to contact the affair partner. Affair withdrawal is a difficult experience so it is best advised to complete it correctly the first time by not initiating any contact with the affair partner. All addictions whether chemical, emotional, or psychological are best addressed by abstaining from that which you are attempting to recover from. Withdrawing from an affair partner is no different. By entering affair rehab with a committed attitude and partner you can manage the symptoms of affair withdrawal. This is accomplished by avoiding the affair partner at all costs, work on yourself and your relationship with your partner while filling the void left behind by the affair partner. After enough time has passed the withdrawal from the affair partner will decrease allowing the primary relationship to apply the emotional energy of the relationship on healing the relationship as couple. When this starts to occur the wandering partner suddenly notices the fallacy of their affair, the affair partner and the pain they inflicted on those around them. The wandering partner begins to resent the affair partner and often begins realizing the trauma they have inflicted on those around them. As long as you stick to a no contact approach, make an effort to remove the affair partner from your thoughts, engage the primary partner in recovery and appropriately communicating during the withdrawal process a wandering partner can clear the fog of the affair.

Forgiving Yourself For Staying With A Cheater

Reconciliation is a difficult process and many individuals struggle with attempting to recover their relationship because of personal fears of being cheated on again, failure to trust partner ever again, or embarrassment just to name a few concerns after an affair. Some who attempt reconciliation with their partner begin to feel guilty for allowing themselves to be cheated on and have a difficult time forgiving themselves for choosing reconciliation versus deserting the relationship. Many individuals that are betrayed by their wandering partner through infidelity and choosing to attempt to hold their relationship together often judge themselves very harshly for doing so. Feelings of settling for less than expected occur very often with betrayed partners because once the relationship has experienced infidelity the relationship feels unsuitable for repair. A person who decides to stay in a relationship after an affair will experience marked reduction in intimacy, less feelings of respect and loss of stability for a very lengthy period in the near future. These are distinctive features that most individuals seek in relationships making a betrayed partner question whether their judgment has been damaged believing very few would tolerate the circumstances they find themselves in. These feelings of accommodating the wandering partner further damages the self-esteem and becomes even more intense if the wandering partner's approach to reconciliation is lackadaisical, with little remorse and personally blaming the betrayed partner for their decision to cheat. As disdain for the wandering partner increases due to lack of effort and their betrayal, the betrayed partner finds themselves angry for tolerating such behavior and begin finding their decision to reconcile unforgiveable early on in reconciliation. The internal mantra of the betrayed partner is often one of negativity towards themselves which repeatedly deepens depression, increases feelings of being overwhelmed and pessimism about the future is invoked in their mind. Many betrayed partners begin to accept blame for the affair, internalize their relationship decisions much more than they should and begin to feel like the wandering partner is getting away with their infidelity much too easy. The betrayed partner's contempt for themselves for not taking a stronger stand towards the wandering partner and their infidelity or a reluctance to separate without reconciliation begin to feel like a considerable let down to their self-worth. Betrayed partners frequently place their needs in the relationship in a secondary position behind holding their relationship together for the sake of children or attempting to hold onto a troubled relationship. Betrayed partners seeking stability for their entire family often choose working on the relationship for a time before ending the relationship. Keeping a family intact is suitable for the developmental needs of the children and disregarding the safety and security of the children's needs is a concern many couples face after an affair. As a betrayed partner reflects on these concerns for the children, they are confronted with their altruism regarding their children at a time when the wandering partner chose extreme selfishness, ignoring family unity and concerns for their own needs. A betrayed partner decisions to stay for the sake of the relationship, family, or the children may be an admirable well thought out decision but many betrayed partners have difficulty trading in their happiness and emotional needs without crushing their own conscious for allowing themselves to rendered a consolation prize by the wandering partner as the work to establish a relationship with a damaged partner who desecrated the primary relationship. As reconciliation progresses and if both partners work towards healing there is often a change in attitude regarding the decision to take back a cheating partner. Many betrayed partner looking back state that if they had utilized the affair as an immediate excuse to end the relationship they would have regretted the decision to not reconcile. The process of reconciliation can be used as a tool for both the betrayed partner and the wandering partner to express their needs correctly if both individuals in the relationship communicate together. This process can indicate areas of need where both partners could make improvements after an affair. Many people who abruptly leave a relationship after an affair never learn areas where they possibly need work and enter another relationship soon after with the exact same attitudes and behaviors concerns from the last relationship. Reconciliation allows a last chance effort to see if the relationship is worth fixing and to see if there is enough appreciation and love between the betrayed partner and the wandering partner to make it through the monstrosity of infidelity. There is the possibility of rekindling some aspects of the past relationship initially and bringing into focus that which means most to each other as a couple. Many of life's greatest lessons have sprung out of emotionally traumatic situations and personal failures. For reconciliation to be effective the betrayed partner must learn to forgive themselves for staying with the relationship when most around them tell them to leave. Relationships can be repaired but they are much more difficult to repair and reach recovery if you feel you are making a poor choice in choosing reconciliation in the first place.

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Unforeseen Consequences Of Affairs

Cheaters are very selfish people unable to see beyond their latest poor choice. Long term relationships, marriages and other romantic relationships are at times difficult and have their problems. The problem is that individuals that make the decision to cheat because they are currently unhappy frequently fail to understand the long term consequences for themselves or those around them. The level of delaying gratification of a cheater rivals that of a three year old presented with the choice of an ice-cream cone now or later; I want what I want now with some self-induced rationalization for beginning the affair along the way. Affairs cause a lot of anxiety to keep them going. If the stress and anxiety from an affair could be harnessed to create power around the planet, the world could shut down every nuclear power plant, oil refinery and other power plant and we could begin powering the rest of the solar system as well. A person engaging in an affair must always be wearing about being caught in their affair. An affair is a life of always looking over your shoulder wondering when it will be discovered. An affair leaves clues in many areas and a cheater has to be on the lookout for evidence that they may have left behind. Did I erase all my text messages, shut my phone down so I could not be contacted at home, and leave any indication of an affair with receipts that my primary partner might see? What if I end up having a child as a result of an affair? What if I bump into someone who knows I am married when out with the affair partner? All of these ideas begin to provoke stress and anxiety on the wandering partner and the face of the wandering partner begins to show it in time. An affair is expensive and can cost a lot of money. Wandering partners often have to spring for hotel rooms, lavish dinners dates and if the wandering partner is attempting to impress the affair partner with jewelry or other expensive gifts the price can appreciate even more to carry out the affair. Wandering female partners often begin changing their dress style, purchasing expensive lingerie and other personal products to impress their partner. As time passes and the affair continues the affair just feels wrong. It's like walking past The Salvation Army Bell Ringer at Christmas and not dropping any money in their bucket as you spend extra money on junk food you did not need. Your primary partner may have no idea an affair is taking place and they do something wonderful for you and this just feels wrong knowing you are bending your affair partner in positions that make a contortionist envious. The guilt associated with an affair begins to make you hate yourself and wish you could take it all back. To rectify these feelings the cheater is experiencing they often begin bringing home gifts to counteract their guilt. Affairs can have alarming physical consequences. One in three individuals has a sexually transmitted infection or disease. It is not out of the realm of possibilities for a cheater to not only catch a sexually transmitted disease but also infect their primary partner. If the stress of these situations does not make a cheater reconsider having an affair they only need to wait until the affair surfaces. Once an affair become known to the primary partner guilt and shame increase exponentially. Every rotten thing that a cheater ever did in their life will feel like a therapeutic massage compared to the personal beating when the betrayed partner finds out about the wandering partner's affair. Once the affair is discovered the betrayed partner's emotional collapse breaks even the most hardened selfish individual. As some of the cheaters begin to dodge vases, personal items and almost anything a betrayed partner can get their hands on the anger turns to exhaustive grief. The thunderous mourning and weeping of a betrayed partner with accompanied hyperventilating makes most cheaters question which sailing helium balloon their soul was attached to when they considered entering an affair. As the sounds of sorrow subside you look at your partner and witness the deepening redness around their sunken eyes as a result of crying all the time. The betrayed partner is pushing out sawdust from their eyes because all their tears have been expelled and the wandering partner can only watch helplessly for inflicting such trauma on a person they professed to love. The betrayed partner is a tortured victim suffering from sleep deprivation, many times weight loss, depression and appears to geometrically age as a result of the inflicted affair. When the cheater attempts to escape these visions in a barricaded room turning towards escape as their partner suffers, they hear faint moans and echoes of agony from their betrayed partner as if they resided in a room next to a torture chamber. As the cheater steps out of the safety of their home friends, family, and others see only a cheater, a soulless individual whose only concerns was themselves and suddenly the affair has defined the wandering partner no matter what acts of heroism or generosity they have bestowed upon the community and others before the affair. Those connected to the betrayed partner hate the wandering partner for what they have done to the betrayed partner. The betrayed partner only wants to know why and frequently the wandering partner has no logical reasons just excuses. If the wandering partner has children the look of disappointment, shame and grief on their faces only add to the guilt. The children are often embarrassed of the wandering partner and side with the betrayed partner. The wandering partner often tip-toes through the home for quite some time to the tune of slammed doors, deadly stares across hall ways and the immediate sounds of dead air crickets if they happen to enter the same room as a family member. The wandering partner's children begin behaviorally acting out away from the home. As the wandering partner addresses the fact that they destroyed their family, and many other relationships around them they hope to attempt recovery but for most relationships cheating is a deal breaker. The wandering partner has lost family, perhaps some friends, maybe even their job as a result of internal selfishness. If reconciliation in the primary relationship is attempted the affair partner is not too happy about being dropped immediately out of the blue without any real closure. Affair partners often do not like losing this relationship and attempt further contact with the wandering partner by phone, e-mail, even work. Affair partners can be difficult to get rid of and their presence only makes the betrayed partner that much more upset and second guessing their choice to reconcile. By the time the affair and recovery have been completed years have gone by and the wandering partner is known as liar and cheat who hurt everyone around themselves out of selfishness. Affairs cause so much destruction to those around the wandering partner that even later adultery rears its ugly head through the children who were exposed to a family members cheating becoming cheaters themselves. Wandering partner's seldom consider what the final outcome will be when they begin an affair. It is a mentality of what have you done for me lately and are driven to be satisfied by others outside of their primary relationship when they are unhappy. Only in the end does the wandering partner see the errors in their ways and by then they have often destroyed families, friends, close contacts and even work relationships in the name of narcissism. A message from the betrayed partner; are you happy now? Was the affair worth it?

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How To Avoid Infidelity In A Relationship

It seems that a person cannot even turn on their television, open a web browser, or view the cover of a popular magazine without reading about another marriage damaged by infidelity. There have been recent instances of celebrity infidelity with individuals such as Tiger and Elin Woods, Jesse James and Sandra Bullock just to name a few. As I listen to many who demonize these marriages and the individuals involved in them, I did a little digging and found that in the life time of a marriage that sixty percent of men will cheat in their marriage and fifty percent of women will cheat at some point in their marriage. Statistically that means that at some point the majority of marriages have at least one person cheating over the span of their marriages. So what is the key to being one of the unique marriages that is able to avoid temptation, power through the difficult moments, and not look outside the marriage for validation or getting your needs met elsewhere?
When a person enters a marriage they seldom are thinking that their marriage is the one that will fail. However, statistically that is the most likely outcome upon entering marriage given the information we know about divorce rates, infidelity, and the ability for couples to skillfully problem solve in their marriages. Divorce is the second most stressful life event behind death of a spouse according to The Holmes/Rahe Social Adjustment Scale; we would think we would all do our best to avoid such a stressful life event. We all want to be in a marriage that can be the unique one that is able to avoid infidelity and reduce the chances of ending up in divorce court. Successful marriages that have been able to last decades, remain connected, and avoid infidelity have several common characteristics that assist in making their relationships last.
Spend Time Reinforcing Common Interests
Couples usually select each other based in part on having something in common. These common interests are what bring most couples closer together before marriage. Having interests that both you enjoy make date planning easier and often gives you and your partner something to talk about. Common interests are also a way that you and your partner can always remain connected with one another. Happy couples find ways to strengthen their relationships with activities that both of you can enjoy. Often in marriages it is easy to forget what brought the two of you together as you juggle the responsibilities of life but those couples that share things in common always have something to fall back on when things are not working out so well in the marriage. Making time for you and your significant other to participate in those interests will assist in solidifying attachments to each other in your relationship. Do not allow boredom to infiltrate your relationship and continue to have fun together by expressing your companionship with things that both of you enjoy together as you get older.
Your Marriage Should Be #1
Make sure that your relationship with your significant other is always center stage. The time to work on your relationship is not when things are not going well. Put in the effort to make your relationship fun and make your relationship a priority. If you put in the effort to do little things that are needed to make the relationship successful every day you will most likely not have to worry about or wonder how things got really bad many years from now. Discuss how you can make your relationship better with each other. Addressing the small things you are lacking presently will often head off marital ruts and resentment. If your partner is happy more often than not you are happy as well. When things are noticeably slipping in your marriage; address them immediately. A cavalier "I will get to that problem later" attitude slowly builds rifts in your marriage until one evening some time later you realize that the little rift has grown into a gaping canyon. Ask each other routinely about the feelings regarding your relationship and take note of what each other are saying in this discussion.
Do Not Take Your Partner For Granted
As time goes by it is easy to fall into a pattern that your partner will just always be there for you when you need them and that the relationship does not need any reinforcement of any kind. I am a big believer of random acts of kindness in a relationship. Send flowers or gifts on an occasional other than an anniversary, Valentine's Day, birthday, or when you screw up. Leave their favorite treat on a car seat before work, put a note of appreciation in their lunch, and thank them for making an extra stop after work for you. Show your partner that you appreciate them for all aspects of the relationship. Let them know that you notice their effort and thank them for it. Give your partner credit when you notice them going a little further than they need to. Look at them and smile lovingly from across the table when you think of your life without them. Empower the relationship everyday so your partner does not fall into the loving arms of a person who notices exactly how lucky you are to have your significant other.

Refrain From Putting Yourself Into Inappropriate Situations
Do not participate in situations where you could find yourself vulnerable. If you notice an attraction with other people do not allow yourself to nurture this relationship or be alone with that person. If you feel that you are being flirted with or are flirting yourself, address those behaviors directly and refrain from participating in the flirting. Avoid being alone on a business trip or a conference with someone you know has feelings for you or has flirted with you. The beautiful coworker that is sometimes flirting with you and running through your mind is not as perfect as you think they are. The mind and heart are very clever at filling in the gaps when feelings of attraction occur. Be sure to establish clear boundaries with friends, coworkers, and others. You cannot get your needs met outside of your primary relationship and still expect your relationship to function sufficiently for both of you. Make sure all your emotional/physical needs are being met in your relationship with your significant other. If they are not; discuss them with your partner but do not venture outside your relationship looking to fill the void with another person. Finding others to fill your emotional needs is the fast track to emotional affairs and physical infidelity. Let others know about your significant other through your conversations. Make it clear that you should be off of everyone's radar because you are constantly talking about your partner.
Never Go To Bed Upset
How you handle arguments between the two of you will make a huge difference in how you move forward after each situation where differences of opinions turned into moments of marital strain. Couples will always have differences of opinions, how they approach conflicts, and how they convey frustration makes a huge difference in the outcome of marital disagreements. Couples that have the most success propelling through difficult times address their concerns with each other in a timely manner. If you have any differences that you are harboring internally do not avoid them. There is no time like the present to convey your feelings to a partner. It is imperative that you are honest and do not allow your differences to build up and aggravate your living situation or your attitude towards your partner. Address the problems immediately and try not to blame or place responsibility onto your partner. Explain your reasons for your feelings and bring them to the attention of your partner. Discuss what is bothering you and be upfront about it. Try not to carry your anger into the bedroom before the end of the night. Talk things through and try and come to a solution that is amicable to both individuals in the relationship. Make up before you fall asleep for the night.
Continue To Be Affectionate
Continue to offer each other signs of personal affection. When going for a walk, in public, or even on the couch, hold hands and snuggle. Give as many hugs and kisses as possible each day. Throw in a few kind words and an "I love you" when you are thinking it. Personal affection that involves personal contact is a way to preserve intimacy between you and your partner. Letting your significant other know how much you care with a light touch on the hand, on the small of their back and long gazes into their eyes are important indicators of intimacy between you and your partner. Affection that is nonsexual in nature embraces the feelings of intimacy between you and your partner. When you see a couple making out together at a movie theater, at a restaurant or in public you secretly wish you still had those butterflies or intensity in your relationship. Instead of pretending you are grossed out or secretly mocking that couple with your partner make it happen with your partner. When was the last time you flirted with your significant other? Continue to flirt with your partner and tell them how wonderful they are. If they buy a new dress, whistle when you see them wear it. Continue to compliment them on their charming smile. I attempt to keep the ratio of compliments to complaints in my relationships to a three to one margin. Reinforce your admiration for each other with the dialogue between the two of you. If you are thinking about your partner at work why not make a phone call just telling them you were thinking of them and fill them in on the thought just to let them know that you were thinking about them. Let them know that you feel guilty because you are one of the few to marry the right person.
Support Each Other
Emotional support is the backbone to most healthy relationships. One thing that most people need in a relationship is someone who will listen to them in all aspects of their lives. The first question you should ask your partner when you see them is "how was your day"? Be prepared to just sit and listen if your partner was caught in a bad situation at work. Perhaps your partner is feeling that no one is listening to them outside of your home but make sure that you are always listening to your partner. Often times all you need to do is offer an ear as your partner attempts to escape their feelings of being overlooked at work. Perhaps you have been notified of a serious medical condition or the possibility of one. Be the person your partner looks to for encouragement, support, and a confidant. You do not have to solve the problem or offer suggestions. Assist your partner by empathizing with their situation, validating their concerns, and offer emotional support. Be supportive in positive life events as well. You and your significant other are not in a competition. Do not be envious of the raise they received, be proud and let them know that. Lack of emotional support or admiration for each other is a springboard for seeking emotional needs outside of the relationship. A person will only allow themselves to feel ignored or unappreciated for so long before they begin looking for this need outside of a relationship. Couples who display emotional support in their relationships offer their partners no incentive to look outside their relationship. Your partner should be the number one confidant in your life in most circumstances. If this is not the case in your relationship ask yourself why your partner isn't yours. Emotional support can be accelerated in its quality by adding a few intimate gestures. Offer a shoulder to cry on during tough times, holding their hand when your partner is displaying fear, and a smile across the room as you proudly celebrate their promotion.
 Make Love
Sex is obviously an important component to a healthy relationship. Those couples who engage in sex routinely are less likely to seek this need outside of your relationship. Sex also reinforces intimacy and feelings that you have for each other. It is important that you discuss what both of you want and need from each other in the bedroom. Keep communication open about your sex life and attempt to keep your sex life interesting, and fresh with each other. Do not be afraid to experiment and try new things. Sex is an emotional and physical experience that continues to assert your love for each other and the process of finding out new things about each other. By reaffirming your love for each other in the bedroom you strengthen the bond between you and your significant other. Rediscover your passion for each other if you feel you have lost it. If you are unhappy about areas in your life that are preventing your sex life from being as special or as routine as you would it to be, discuss these reasons with your partner. A conscious choice of disregarding your sex life produces feelings of temptation for your significant other to seek this need outside of the relationship.

Hang Out with Happy Couples
Spend time with other people who are in happy relationships as to avoid the possibility of learning in poor marital habits. Individuals who are not interested in being committed in their relationships are not people you and your significant other want to hang out with. Attitude is contagious and if you are around those who are in unhappy relationships you may soon find yourself in a difficult situation in your marriage. Be open to learning from other couples mistakes so the same thing does not happen to your relationship. Find a way to learn what works positively for other couples as well.
Spend time just talking.
The underlying theme in most of the areas listed above in keeping your marriage free of infidelity is communication through the tough times and the good times. Talk to each other about your feelings or about your day. Lack of communication is a major factor why people begin to look outside their relationships. When things are not going well between you and your significant other, try to do more listening than talking. Verbalize all concerns that you have in all of the areas in your relationship but be respectful. It is difficult to take anyone's concerns seriously if name calling and behavioral tantrums are your primary methods of communicating. Most individuals in a relationship just want to heard, feel important, and need to feel appreciated in their relationship. It is important that the two of you find some part of the day to have a discussion and just check in with each other. This does not have to be a major tear jerking moment but just an opportunity to connect and reinforce that you still care about each other and that you are there for each other should it be necessary.
A relationship or marriage that is able to ward of temptation and infidelity seems to be a rarity these days. Every now and then I hear from a friend or two whose parents or relatives are celebrating their fortieth or fiftieth wedding anniversary. These occasions give the rest of us something to shoot for. The above tips are not one hundred percent fool proof but in those marriages that last much longer than others there appears to be a large correlation with the above examples reoccurring more often in successful relationships and marriages. The bottom line is that to be successful in marriage or long term relationships you must be willing to work for it and the best place to start is with you. If you are a respectful partner towards your significant other, the chances of them reciprocating those feelings and attitude towards you are quite high. The likelihood your partner will need to look outside your relationship or marriage to satisfy an essential emotional or physical need that is missing is low if you and your partner are able to communicate effectively and implement the above criteria into your marriage or relationship as often as possible.
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Signs That Your Relationship Might Be Heading Towards A Breakup

Sometimes a relationship moves along and there are indicators in a relationship that should not be overlooked. We can move on and ignore some of these signals that a relationship is in trouble or do something to address the signals that are screaming there is something definitely wrong in your relationship. If these signals are ignored often the relationship will only get worse, someone in the relationship will end the relationship or disturbed individuals will seek out their needs outside their relationship. Relationships have moments of disagreements when arguing occurs but some relationships have chronic fighting. These arguments come in the form of small bickering, bouts of anger and frustration about each other, to the same serious issues that have never been successfully addressed for years or much of the relationship. As the fissure deepens in the relationship the fighting becomes more intense and hurtful. Individuals in the relationship begin to increase the lack of respect for each other when engaged in the challenging moments of fighting. The couple begins to problem solve in erroneous ways such as name calling, engaging in immature head games and begin feeling their partner is purposely attempting to inflict damage to them and the relationship. As this negativity continues to intensify one or both partners begin displaying signs that they no longer really care about the relationship and begin removing the bond between themselves and their partner. This lack of emotional connection leads to a lack of intimacy between partners in the relationship or a reduction in the amount of intimacy experienced with each other in their relationship. Intimacy problems both emotionally and sexually lead to frustration, negativity regarding the couple's sex life and often an increase in fighting. A relationship experiencing a reduction in sexual intimacy can lead to a deterioration of emotional connectedness pointing towards one or both individuals pulling away from the relationship. As the individuals emotionally move away from each other communication becomes a larger barrier because the couple feels that the relationship is not worth the fight anymore or the fighting has taken such a negative tone that both individuals just disengage from each other. The relationship begins to feel more like roommates and appreciation for each other is diminishing or seldom expressed. The individuals in the relationship begin to feel taken for granted and unappreciated. Communication breaks down or is ignored and one or both individuals begin turning towards others for signs of appreciation. This withdrawal from the relationship can lead to emotional or physical affair developing, developing independent interests away from their partner or complete avoidance of the other partner. As this withdrawal flourishes individuals in the relationship find excuses to not be around each other, find each other boring given new hobbies and recreational activities away from their partner and begin to feel that their partner and themselves have different expectations and goals for their lives than their partner. When a defining moment in communication is attempted about the relationship, careers or personal matters it is often too late as one or both individuals in the relationship simply do not care for their partner as they should and find their partners annoying or an inconvenience. Trust in each other is a fading concept and the relationship begins to feel like a performance rather than a personal resource. As the relationship begins to completely implode, weaker individuals turn towards chemicals such as drugs or alcohol and instances of domestic abuse increase as the negative pressures of the relationship escalate. When the relationship nears its end, the negative imagery of the other partner cuts to the front of the line when the partners reflect back on the relationship and their partner. Positive memories seem fleeting and both individuals cannot recall how the relationship got to its current position. Not every relationship can or should be saved. This relationship could have had an opportunity at surviving if the couple could have communicated concerns early on in the relationship. Many couples wait too long or have difficulty communicating their needs at all in relationships. Relationship issues only deepen and grow in number with the lack of communication between individuals in the relationship. When problems are not addressed and personal needs are not communicated couples begin to slowly withdraw from their partners and before they realize it the couple is unable to find a way to bring each other closer together again. It is best for couples to communicate their needs and concerns immediately before those concerns become full blown problems in the relationship.

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Rebuilding After An Affair

Choosing to repair a relationship tainted by infidelity is not an easy one. Once a couple decides to reconcile and attempt to recover from an affair that decision will seem easy compared to the work that actually lies ahead for the reconciling couple. Rebuilding a relationship after an affair seems like a daily grind for many months and progress crawls at a snail like pace in the beginning. Wandering partners often perceive the relationship during the recovery period as better off than it actually is. Betrayed partners underestimate how painful an affair actually is and the length of time a recovery will actually take. To successfully rebuild a relationship after an affair a couple must be willing to reinforce several key steps towards reconciliation and extinguish a few problem areas that are common when attempting recovery. The first step towards rebuilding a relationship after an affair is for the wandering partner to end the affair completely. A wandering partner who still sees their affair partner, contacts their affair partner or occasionally feels compelled to see what is happening with the affair partner during reconciliation makes recovery pointless. A betrayed partner believes they are working towards repairing a relationship that was damaged by deceit, lies and deceptive behaviors. A wandering partner continuing these behaviors pulls the reconciling couple away from full recovery making the betrayed partner consider giving up on reconciliation if the wandering partner is caught again. If you want to rebuild the relationship do it right the first time and stick to a no contact guideline regarding the affair partner and demonstrate your commitment towards recovering with the betrayed partner. The betrayed partner must work at not internalizing the mistakes of an affair as their own or somehow their fault. The wandering partner must take responsibility for the affair and refrain from assigning blame for the affair to the betrayed partner. There are many choices to communicate unmet needs to a partner and an affair is very poor choice in coping with an unhappy relationship. The wandering partner must express remorse both verbally and behaviorally as well as portraying accountability for their actions of the affair. A betrayed partner will want to have details of the affair and will most likely continue to return to moments of the affair that they have questions about. This is normal and an opportunity for the wandering partner to build trust through honesty and empathy. The betrayed partner will not like some of the details they receive from a wandering partner but it will assist in the healing process. A wandering partner protecting themselves about the details of the affair only slows down recovery. Betrayed partners need answers to move forward and to understand the affair from their perspective. After all the details of the affair have been discussed over time and the couple agrees to move forward together the affair should no longer be used as a weapon in discussions, fights or conversations to hurt each other. There has to come a point when the affair must be banished from daily dialogue and the couple must begin to move forward. A couple willing to rebuild the relationship must work through feelings of resentment for each other. The betrayed partner will never forget about the affair or the pain associated with cheating. The betrayed partner will hold some very strong feelings for a very long time but must be willing to move forward without systematically punishing the wandering partner habitually for the rest of their life. At some point the betrayed partner must be willing to move forward and to forgive the wandering partner in order to rebuild the foundation of the relationship after it has been blackened by infidelity. The wandering partner must also work through their resentment of the betrayed partner. Wandering partners harbor resentment of the betrayed partners for believing they made them engage in affairs as a result of unmet needs. They also struggle with the absence of the affair during reconciliation which the wandering partner misconstrues as the fault of the betrayed partner. Both individuals have to agree at some point that the relationship is more important than embracing resentment and choose to move forward. Trust is difficult to build again and only comes with time and is earned very slowly. Initially trust is impossible and can only be accomplished through full transparency. For the first six months after discovering the affair all aspects of the wandering partners life should be available to the betrayed partner. This includes computers, cell phones, financial records, e-mail accounts, all passwords to devices, and any other method that an affair is usually conducted in. It is the responsibility of the betrayed partner to routinely verify and scrutinize these records for signs of a return to an affair. Trust is built with time and the more a wandering partner is verified telling the truth, not caught in more lies and found acquiescing to the demands of transparency the easier it will be to add one more small brick into the foundation of trust being constructed by the betrayed partner. There may be times when recovery seems to stall and the couple finds themselves unable to move forward no matter what is tried. In these moments consider getting professional help from a counselor. An objective third party may be able to assist you in working through the road blocks that a struggling couple is encountering in reconciliation as well as strengthening areas where there has been only modest success. Most importantly it is imperative that the couple begin addressing all of their relationship needs through communication. This is completed through routine contact and checking in with each other about the status of the relationship. Learn the mistakes that led to the affair and routinely address the status of those areas in the relationship. If you notice your partner feeling distant or find something feeling not right in the relationship begin addressing your concerns immediately in the relationship. It is much better to communicate concerns and perceived incorrect from your partner versus ignoring something as minor and begin watching a rift separate the two of you once again. Make sex a common habit in the relationship as the healing begins to become apparent. Sex brings the relationship closer together by reaffirming emotional bonds and establishing a connectedness between the couple. The road back from an affair is a lengthy one that can only be accomplished with a diligent commitment and determination of both individuals to make things work. There will be barriers along the way towards recovery. Trust is not easily built after an affair. Some individuals cope with intense pain through sarcasm, maladaptive head games and poor problem solving. The return of intimacy is often ridden in anxiety and flood the mind with mental images of the wandering partner and the affair partner but these things will eventually decrease in number and intensity in time. Together a couple will soon witness a rejuvenated environment and loving relationship once again through the hard work of reconciliation. If you are able to return to some sense of normalcy in your relationship the relationship will be very powerful in many ways. Making it through an affair conveys to a couple that even through the most difficult emotional trauma of their relationship they were able to survive.

When A Wandering Partner Will Not Talk About The Affair

The recovery process after an affair is dependent on honest communication for reconciliation to occur. This process can be very complicated by a wandering partner who refuses to talk about the affair in any meaningful manner. Some wandering partners are ashamed of their behavior, feel guilty as they witness the decay of the betrayed partner as a result of their behavior and do not wish to discuss the affair. Others are just narcissists who simply do not feel the need to discuss anything that does not directly affect them. No matter what the reasons for refusing to discuss the affair with the betrayed partner not talking or giving open dialogue for the betrayed partner to get answers they are looking for will build stress, resentment and greatly decrease the speed at which full reconciliation can occur. Infidelity is often one of the most dreadful experiences of a betrayed partner's life and the inability to discuss this with the wandering partner whom they share their life only intensifies the agony and lengthens the healing process. A wandering partner's inability to communicate effectively could be what led to wandering partner's affair in the first place and avoiding communication after an affair leaves the very fragile relationship even more susceptible to relationship problems. It is very important to encourage any form of communication if there is any possibility of the healing process to begin. It is important for betrayed partners to take the lead and ask all the questions they feel are needed to address the affair and what they are feeling as a result of the wandering partner's infidelity. If the wandering partner is refusing to communicate or wishes to pretend that the relationship is repairing itself the betrayed partner will have to take some drastic measures to start the communication process with the wandering partner. The most effective form of beginning this communication process is to set a time that both of you agree to talk. The last thing you want to do is aggressively walk into a room and begin venting and crying about how the affair has affected you. This tactic feels like an emotional attack only heightening the strain of the relationship, reducing the likelihood of any constructive communication and might cause the wandering partner to get up and walk out. The goal is to get communication going if only for a few minutes from the avoidant wandering partner. As a betrayed partner you are entitled to answers regarding the affair. It is essential that the wandering partner provide support, encouragement and honest communication in this process. The betrayed partner may not like the answers they receive but being honest and open about what the betrayed partner feels they need to understand their partners indiscretions is essential in the recovery process. If the wandering partner is avoiding giving answers to what the betrayed partner is looking for a great place to start is general discussion what the absence of effective communication and how this is affecting the betrayed partner. Sitting down and openly discuss how avoiding the discussion is affecting the betrayed partner often opens up the difficult process of communicating about the affair for the wandering partner. Have the wandering partner discuss their fears of talking about the affair with the betrayed partner. Pretending that nothing is wrong after an affair is not honest nor is it beneficial for either partner. The wandering partner must be accountable for their actions and if they are unable to talk about their decision to have an affair they should at least empathetically listen to the feelings of their betrayed partner. This may result in the wandering partner watching the betrayed partner crying their way through how the affair has obliterated their self-esteem, trust and feelings of insecurities. The wandering partner basically has to be the backbone for the betrayed partner given how their actions have destroyed their relationship partner. It is the wandering partner that has to improve the relationship through changed behaviors, better communication, remorse for their actions, personal accountability, etc. For recovery to occur after an affair a couple has to come together to discuss the fears that each are feeling. This process may produce very little in the early attempts but if the couple trying to reconcile are only able to comfort each other, support each other and stop remaining in the same position day after day it is a start towards reconciliation. The couple can at least reaffirm their position that they want to work towards reconciliation. There is no surefire way to make a wandering partner talk about the affair or even sit through a betrayed partner's feelings as a result of the affair. Simply avoiding the whole process is impossible and will not go away because you wish it away. It would be great if people just got over such traumatic betrayals easily but reconciliation does not work that way. A wandering partner must take a very long journey inside themselves in addressing infidelity and this is part of the recovery wandering partners want to avoid. The decision to cheat really becomes painful to see when you witness what it does to the betrayed partner whom you are attempting to reconcile with. The betrayed partners questions regarding the affair make the wandering partner shrivel as a human being with each tear running down the side of the betrayed partners face and each hyperventilating breath unnaturally exhaled as a result of emotional trauma. The process of reconciliation is an endless process in the eyes of the wandering partner. They feel repeatedly victimized by their own guilt, their partners make them feel like sadists as they communicate details of the affair to an examining betrayed partner. I think fighting through that small barrier and finding the ability for a little communication is not asking too much given what was dealt to the betrayed partner.

Avoiding Fake Reconciliations

As a couple attempts to put their relationship back together there are bound to be a few bumps in the road back towards reconciliation. Often these bumps feel more like mountains followed by deep crevices as the rollercoaster of emotions and behaviors from both partners take them on a very exhausting journey. When attempting to reconcile after the ultimate betrayal betrayed partners and wandering partners underestimate the amount of hard work that lies ahead of them and underestimate the pain that the betrayed partner has internalized. There are usually some common mistakes that lead to false reconciliations between couples. After an affair, very often one person is expected to leave or a separation occurs due to the trauma of the relationship. Many betrayed partners have a habit of taking the wandering partner back or allowing them back into the home setting before they should be allowed to return. A wandering partner often realizes with a little time that the affair partner was an escape, satisfying an unmet need missing from the primary partner and not real relationship material. These wandering partners often are seeking asylum back home with their primary partner after the discovery of the affair. However, many times these individuals are far from appropriate relationship material themselves despite their feelings of wanting to return home. Many wandering partners have a lot of atonement to address with the betrayed partner but realistically are connected to the affair partner. Even if they have stopped seeing the affair partner, the wandering partner suffers withdrawal from the affair partner and their line of thinking is not where it should be in focusing on reconciliation with the primary partner. When a wandering partner seeks permission to return to the relationship from the betrayed partner, especially if they are questioning returning to the same living environment, I would be very apprehensive about allowing this return to take place. Reconciliation will take time often; perhaps years. There is no need to rush reconciliation or the return of the wandering partner to your living environment. I have learned that when a wandering partner asks to return to the relationship usually they are not quite ready. Should the wandering partner ask to return home let the process run its course a little longer. The danger of allowing a wandering partner home too early is the false impression that the relationship is regrouping and heading in a positive direction. Welcoming home a wandering partner that is still connected to the affair partner brings the real possibility of further cheating, reopening the affair wound and feeling like you are starting the reconciliation all over again. A relationship that is stained with too many false reconciliations becomes a joke for both individuals after a while and the whole relationship is pretty much shattered in trust at that point. Too many failed reconciliation attempts leave the betrayed partner with a very long-term memory that is not easily erased or forgotten. The betrayed partner must hold their ground in uniting the living environment and not allow the wandering partner too much control over the speed of reconciliation. If or when you are ready to have the wandering partner return to your living environment, have a very serious meeting with the wandering partner where boundaries are put in writing and clearly stated. Some of the content of this written agreement on boundaries should include no contact with affair partner, full transparency of all communication devices for at least six months, the wandering partner spends very little time away from the betrayed partner outside of work and state every statement coming out of the mouth of the wandering partner will be verified and examined. Make this list available to the wandering partner in writing so there is no confusion about the process and your expectations. Reassess these expectations and boundaries routinely. If you are given any problems with these expectations or any negotiating is attempted the wandering partner is not ready to return to your living environment or the relationship. It is very common for the appearance of reconciliation for a while only to slip back into old maladaptive habits such a doing a better job at concealing the affair next time. Do not accept progress from part of your expectations and poor acquiesce on other aspects of your expectations. You cannot afford to be patient and hope for the best later. The time for reconciliation to occur is after you have explained the boundaries and expectations. As explained in other posts, remorse for what took place towards the betrayed partner and a wandering partner's actions are essential clues for how reconciliation will go. Words have very little meaning at this early stage in reconciliation so do not be impressed with early progress, do not be swayed by their individually planned reconciliation that deviates from yours, do not tolerate slow progress or tolerate a wandering partner who returns to perch themselves on the fence failing to make a relationship decision. The reconciliation process is such hard work and demanding on the relationship. It is best if a couple can make it through this process together now independent of any false recoveries or fake reconciliations. A betrayed partner should not accept an artificial presentation of working on reconciliation or accept an unproductive effort. For many couples accepting less effort or a good enough attitude has lead to the problem of affairs reoccurring again in the relationship. To make it through reconciliation a couple has to change both their behaviors and their attitudes regarding what got them into an affair mess to begin with.

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The Positives of an Affair; Shut Up

I have had a few people make an interesting statement the past few weeks that I really have a problem with. Before stating what this statement was I must state that I am very empathetic towards couples that manage to put their lives back together after an affair or a string of infidelities. The work that goes into this endeavor often takes years to repair, the destruction among friends and families in the reconciliation period is painful to accept and the dedication that must ensue for months or years after an affair is something that I can applaud to those who are able to successful ford the raging river of infidelity. I chose to escape the train wreck that infidelity smashed into my relationship. However, I am a little skeptical of individuals telling me that an affair had a positive effect on their relationship, an affair has made their relationship stronger and my favorite the affair was the best thing that ever happened to their relationship. The wife of one of my friends told me this a few days ago. A few things that I find interesting about people who make these statements are that they are the ones that usually cheated and it often sounds like they are trying to convince themselves of their statement. If affairs are so powerful in restoring the strength of relationships why do so many people end relationships upon learning about their wandering partner's infidelities? These individuals report improved communication, a renewed sense of focus on the relationship and not taking each other for granted. Others report making an extra effort to spend time together, improved appreciation for each other, and realizing what they nearly lost. I believe all these same things could have been accomplished with proper communication or a good marriage counselor. This would have spared the betrayed partners several weeks of tears and the appalling mental images of their partners with their affair partner. There are an abundant different ways to strengthen a relationship besides cheating. The idea of an affair strengthening a relationship when their needs are not met or during difficult times is ludicrous. Being in a relationship with a person who believes this would leave me petrified of another affair when the next set of problems present themselves. As someone who was betrayed in a relationship I can say being involved with a cheater made me open my eyes more in the rest of relationships from that point forward but I really wished I could have escaped the experience of cheating. Being cheated on certainly did nothing to strengthen my relationship I was betrayed in but I left after a few months of trying to repair that fiery Hindenburg. I believe there is a lot of cognitive dissonance involved in reporting happiness and strength of a relationship to others after an affair is addressed. In order to justify the emotional pain of repairing the relationship, accepting a flawed partner who strayed and accepting personal and social shame, I believe many couples convince themselves that their relationship is better off as a result of an affair. I know that many couples do end up repairing relationships, moving forward from an affair and report a renewed connection in the relationship after an affair. Again I am happy for these individuals but I do not believe the relationship is better off because of an affair, it is more positive in spite of the affair. An affair is one of those life changing events that rips you into tiny pieces but once you reassemble the pieces you feel stronger because you made it through such an atrocious event. Affairs make you find courage, strength and perseverance that you never knew you had and you feel elevated by the experience. The experience breaks you down and changes you forever. Traversing and surviving an affair makes all future problems that a relationship can face appear insignificant. I found the experience of an affair as a betrayed partner ridiculously traumatic and found very little positive experiences to hold onto; with the exception that I knew that I was not going to have to worry about who my ex-girlfriend Angela was going to cheat with in the future because it was not going to me.

The Lies of a Wandering Partner

Affairs have a way of completely transforming someone you used to trust into individuals incapable of uttering a single syllable without lying. Wandering partners have absolutely no business holding a single shred of your trust for years after discovering an affair. Wandering partners lie, lie some more and continue to lie so they can have what they want from their affair partner. The person you have known in the wandering partner is essentially gone once they have engaged in an affair. Once a wandering partner has stepped onto the yellow brick road of infidelity they are essentially different people. Wandering partners engaged in affairs lie, they weave a web of deceit and they often attempt to justify their actions for the affair after the affair discovered. If you take anything away from this post today it should be this; never trust anything a wandering partner say unless you can personally verify it. My first experience with a cheater was very hard and I was inexperienced in knowing what to do once I knew about the affair. As a good boyfriend and a good person I wanted to believe that my girlfriend was attempting to reform. She looked at me right in the eyes and stated that she wanted our relationship to work and that she would end the relationship with the affair partner. Soon after, the lies began falling like raindrops in a severe thunderstorm. When confronted on these stories I became the problem and she needed space. She needed time apart to think about us. What this actually means is I am messing around with someone else please allow me more time to rub salt on the affair wound. Addressing your concerns with an individual who cannot tell the truth is pointless because they just continue lying and often they believe their own conceited garbage from their mouth. I was soon bombarded with stories of lies, rumors of continued affairs and many of her stories did not add up to what she was telling me. What I want to convey for those individuals possibly experiencing infidelity for the first time is not to be lulled by a smooth talking wandering partner and do not let your guard down for a minute. I made this mistake in my attempt at reconciliation. I believed the first round of apologies and attempted reconciliation. As time went on and I had a few weeks of no major events in my relationship I became passive in my fact checking and slid back into the relationship as it used to be. I stumbled across more information weeks later that if I had fact checked her whereabouts weeks earlier I would have known she was lying and seeing her affair partner again. Wandering partners are very skilled at presenting a deceptive reconciliation. They say all the right things but many relationships have been violated by a false sense of security presented by an underhanded selfish wandering partner. It is easy to lie to the betrayed partner for the wandering partner because they have been so good at it for weeks, months and even years. Betrayed partners working towards reconciliation want to believe that the relationship is heading back in a positive direction and the wandering partner witnessing what they have done to the betrayed partner would not return to the affair partner once the affair is discovered; right? Wrong! The words of wandering partner mean little until their behaviors begin to change. A wandering partner focused on remorse, empathy and working together with the betrayed partner to repair the relationship is the only way that trust can be restored in some manner. A wandering partner interested in repairing the relationship opens up their life with full transparency and routinely asks what they need to do to assist in the process of reconciliation not attempting to cover aspects of their life. A wandering partner often has to work years to fully repair trust in a relationship they have broken and work towards proving they are worth the effort towards reconciliation. A wandering partner is willing to follow the entire itinerary set forth by the betrayed partner and doing whatever it is that will make the betrayed partner feel safe and secure. Despite these measures from a remorseful wandering partner the betrayed partner should fact check everything and verify all loose ends for quite some time.

Time For No Contact

In some relationships there will eventually come a time where you have to make a decision to either separate or make a break from the relationship. This is a very difficult, often scary thing for many individuals in long term relationships to accomplish. I was with my girlfriend for five years and even when I was aware that the relationship was over I went back and forth for many months before finally making a clean break from the relationship utilizing a no contact approach. Initially going no contact is difficult and I had a few instances where I did contact my ex-girlfriend. Like a crazed mathematician I measured the time in between each contact attempting to make each recent contact longer than the last until I finally found myself not worrying about her any longer which I then realized I was over her. Early on, the urge to call, e-mail, or other method of communication are burdensome. No contact can be used by the wandering partner to end relationships with an affair partner, the betrayed partner to separate from the wandering partner or just to end a short term relationship. I chose no contact because I just wanted to get the pain over with and to move forward once I realized that I no longer wished to put up with a cheating partner. I had delivered a few ultimatums that she refused to comply with but agreed to face to face. I was tired of having my ex-girlfriend use me as her consolation prize as she allowed herself to have her cake and eat it too. By dictating the terms of the relationship yourself you can heal yourself from individuals that want to remain on the fence and routinely jump on each side of the fence. Sometimes you need to be the one to knock them off the fence and make a difficult decision for them and for yourself. Once you chose to go no contact it works best if you just bite the bullet and refrain from all contact with an ex. The sooner you address the issues from the relationship and move on the sooner you will heal and be able to look forward to a more successful relationship. Routinely contacting an ex just prolongs the pain, brings forth setbacks that you most likely have already addressed and returns the old feelings of the relationship once again. No contact means no inquiring about your ex through common friends, family members, acquaintances, coworkers or individuals connected with your ex. All this information does is stifle your recovery and this information will most likely get back to your ex through the parties you inquired about her through. This leads an ex to believe that reconciliation is possible. Get rid of contact information on your ex so you will not be tempted to contact them. This means eliminate them from Facebook, delete their e-mails, cell phone numbers, and home numbers from your address book. If you lived together, change the locks and remove any memories such as pictures, personal mementos, etc. that bring about feelings that are difficult. If an ex attempts to contact you do not answer their call, do not respond in any manner, or attempt to analyze the implications of the communication. Simply delete or erase the message. Change your usual patterns of your daily discourse to ensure that you cannot be stalked, sought out or confronted by an ex. Do not go looking for an ex yourself. This is about as dumb of a thing as you can do to ensure that you are in perpetual pain. All seeing your ex will do is mess with your mind and possibly viewing them with another person is a mental image you do not need to return home with. Attempting to find your ex during an afternoon drive is often a sign that perhaps you need additional help in working through your personal issues regarding the relationship. It most likely means you're a sadist because nothing good can really happen seeing your ex after the relationship is over. If you have children together make visits with the short regarding the children, any conversations regarding the visit or at the visit should be about the children and nothing more. Cut off all conversations attempting to venture into other areas of discussion. If possible have a relative or friend pick up the children or drop them off so you do not have to see your ex. Find something to do while the relationship is in the no contact phase such a working on yourself. This could mean start trying to lose weight, read some self-help books, learn a hobby you always wanted to learn but never had time for, or begin a project that will keep your mind off your ex. I began learning how to play the guitar when I was weaning myself off my ex-girlfriend and the hour or two per day that I spent on my guitar away from the thoughts of my ex were a little piece of heaven. Begin focusing on you and off of your ex. No contact is an opportunity to eliminate the tug of war that takes place during a breakup inside of yourself by removing the partner that is causing the internal tug of war. By removing them and their ability to contact you true healing can often begin. When a betrayed partner utilizes this strategy it also displays a clear message that you are not going to allow the wandering partner to play both sides of the relationship and by taking an active approach such as no contact the wandering partner often realizes what they are losing when forced to go without the betrayed partner for a given length of time.