Cheater Transparency

If couple is dedicated towards repairing a relationship after an affair it is important that both couples work towards this goal. For this to occur it is important that there is a measure of transparency from the partner that cheated. Transparency is the act of giving access to things that are normally private in a relationship such as phone records, e-mails, cell phones and even passwords to other private accounts. Transparency is also the act of self-reporting and disclosing information in all areas of the relationship. Affairs are often organized and carried out in secret. A cheating partner allowing full access to otherwise private areas of their lives is an act of good faith to prove trustworthiness so that the individual who cheated does not continue the affair with the person they had an inappropriate relationship with or the cheater does not begin a new affair. This is an opportunity as a couple to communicate needs, feelings and expectations in rebuilding the relationship. This is a chance for the relationship to mend through the building of trust which will take a lot of time. The betrayed partner is not to be monitored forever but until trust is earned some due diligence in the manner many affairs are conducted should remain open for complete access by the betrayed partner. If the cheating partner objects I see this as a communication breach and not fully attempting to work on rebuilding the relationship. Transparency is not meant to be punitive towards the cheater but an agreement to prove that trust is being rebuilt. The cheater partner is disconnecting from the affair partner and rebuilding a relationship that was lost as a result of their cheating behaviors. I believe that both partners should set a reasonable time table for the full transparency phase to end. I would set this period no less than six-months. All too often the cheating partner feels that the betrayed partner should just get over the infidelity and move forward with the relationship that was present before the affair. Cheaters often fail to recognize the amount of damage that their behaviors cause towards the partner that loved and supported them. Reconciliation after an affair takes years to fully take place if both partners agree to work together. Transparency provides a forum of providing open and honest communication in a relationship that is severely threatened as a result of infidelity. Full transparency from a cheater is a very small price to pay given what they have dealt their partner in the relationship.

How To Confront An Affair

Being lied to is one of the most damaging things two people can do to each other in any type of a relationship. Lying to someone you love significantly reduces the trust in your relationship, the respect you have for one other and places the relationship itself in serious jeopardy. What makes lying even worse is when it involves the most personal aspects of our lives; our intimate relationships. Lying is difficult enough on its own to tolerate in a relationship but when lying is used as an instrument to aid in a cover up of clandestine actions such as cheating, it only further deepens the pain inflicted on a personal relationship.

In the beginning, a person who is cheated on begins to notice a few things in their relationship that are very different then they are accustomed to. Their perceptions of the relationship have them noticing a few signs that illicit concerns about their partner's behavior. They often initially feel their partner pulling away from them or often just feel that something is not right. Originally an individual may have thought these feelings were just another phase in the relationship where other priorities just seemed to come first between them and their significant other.

But then they began noticing several things that do not add up, possibly caught their partner in a few lies, and went to some extreme measures to have their partner monitored. As they kept a watchful eye on their partner they hoped that they were just being insecure, jealous, possibly overreacting, but often learn they were in denial with what was actually happening with their partner. As time went by they began doing a little checking on finances, snooping, monitoring phone calls, they realize that they have stumbled across their partner having an affair.

Some people are in such a state of denial that they fail to believe that their partner is cheating and so they do not address the possibility that they are being cheated on by their partner. After all, affairs happen to other couples who are always fighting, and their unhappy relationships are often well known. Like anything else in a relationship the ability to communicate with your partner is very important and this includes confronting your significant other on your beliefs that they are cheating on you and getting the results that you are looking for from your significant other.

So how does a person confront their partner about their suspicions of infidelity? It is difficult to just sit by with information that your partner is treating you like a piece of filth, therefore many people immediately confront their significant other with little evidence or planning for tactfulness on addressing the situation properly.

I compare confronting a cheating partner like presenting a case to a judge or jury. You have to make sure that you have very concrete evidence, would be able to convince someone who is not emotionally involved in the situation that you are accurate in your assumptions and that your partner will most likely reveal the truth after you have presented them with everything that you know. Make sure that you have all the evidence with you before you confront your partner and can show them what you know if needed. Be prepared before the confrontation. If your partner has an opportunity, they will attempt to retrace their steps, cover up mistakes, or learn from their mistakes. This is why you must be prepared before the confrontation. If you make allegations against your partner that are more spontaneous or rudimentary you are apt to make yourself feel stupid when you are unable to counter your significant others responses or improvised excuses. Be prepared for answers you fear, their expected excuses, their statements and behaviors of avoidance. Keep a very watchful eye on your significant other's body language and what your partner does not say as well as what they do say.

After doing a lot of thinking and have come to terms with the reality of the affair it is time to question your significant other and get answers. If you are lucky you have plenty of evidence that your partner has been cheating, you are not willing to accept any more excuses or poor explanations, and are going to be very clear on your expectations. Before moving forward make sure your evidence is undeniable with little wiggle room for excuses, no plausible deniability, or room for further lies. Accusing your partner of cheating because you found a Coke Can in their car when they usually drink Pepsi is hardly reason for cheating accusations. Making false accusation will bring massive dissensions into your relationship, cause a breech in trust, and make your partner pull away from you even more. What I am getting at is make sure your partner is having an affair before you begin accusing them of cheating.
If you are sure your partner is cheating you must begin to start asking some pretty straight forward questions before you approach your partner. Do you actually feel you are ready to address the fact that your significant other is cheating on you? Even though you are absolutely sure your significant other is cheating will you be able to sit in the same room with them if after you accuse them of cheating they come clean and begin describing the details of the affair. Are you prepared for your partner to tell you that they are in love with someone else? Having your suspicions, looking at the evidence, following your instincts and having insight into your partner behavioral patterns is a lot different than watching your partner tell you that they have been sleeping with a friend of yours every Thursday when they told you they were working late. It is important that you are actually prepared for the answers you are seeking even though you will be extremely uncomfortable.
Have some ground rules in your mind before confronting your partner. If the affair is admitted to what are you prepared to do? What if your partner blows you off and refuses to listen? What if your partner storms out of the house stating "I cannot do this now." Are you prepared to leave or ask your partner to leave if sharing an apartment or home? Have some idea as an end result of discussing the affair. If you are unsure of what you are going to do, take some time and be prepared to make some major decisions or even call a partners bluff. Most individuals are unwilling to admit to an affair without evidence. You are not likely to get the truth from your partner and you have to ask yourself what you are trying to get from the confrontation.

The very first thing you need to do in the confrontation process is to provide safety for all those involved. Make sure your environment is safe. When you confront someone in a serious relationship with allegations of infidelity, emotions are going to run very high. The first assessment you need to acknowledge before confronting your significant other is assess whether or not they are prone to physical, emotional, or verbal abuse. If the answers to any of these questions are yes, I would suggest having a close friend, family members, or a counselor to assist you with the confrontation. The last thing you need in this situation are police officers at your home intervening in a domestic dispute.

Once you think that you have a well-rounded plan, have enough evidence to prove your beliefs of an affair, and are ready to confront your partner, make sure that you are functional and level headed enough to follow through with your plan. You do not want to sit with your partner thinking about the plan you have developed in confronting them only to completely lose the ability to rationally have a discussion. There is no point in sitting down with your partner if all you can think about is fantasizing how that statue you just received from your partner would look embedded in the back of their cranium.
When confronting your partner try your best to remain composed as you begin to ask some very difficult questions. The entire purpose of this confrontation is to get answers, validate your suspicions, and make some crucial decisions about your relationship. This will never happen if there is only yelling, screaming, and dodging any object that you can get your hands on while in the presence of your partner. Do not begin the conversation with expletives describing the affair partner, your significant others actions, or making any personal threats. Begin the conversation by stating your concerns and offer your partner the opportunity to honestly admit to the affair. In most cases a cheating partner is not going to come clean without ample evidence so anticipate resistance and denial in the beginning stages of the confrontation.
If significant other comes clean and admits to the affair, your partner deserves a little credence for not dragging this dilemma out. The majority of the situations involving confrontations of affairs involve an accused partner rolling their eyes in an animated fashion which usually progresses into your partner reverting to your confrontation as an extreme exaggeration. Your partner will accuse you of jealousy, having personal issues, being insecure, among many other things. When the character assassinations begin it is often a sign of defensiveness and often a last ditch effort to attempt to block your insinuations. This is about your significant other's behavior and not yours. Do not allow them to make this about you. If they seem too defensive ask them why so much emotional outrage about your concerns? If you are incorrect there should not be too much frustration and acrimony.
While discussing your partner's infidelity, do not drag anyone else into your confrontation unless you have to as stated above for physical safety concerns. If someone else found out about your cheating partner do not divulge their name as this will create a rift between your partner, the source, and perhaps the source and yourself later on. Also it is a good idea to keep all information close to yourself so that your partner is unaware of whom they should avoid or not confide in. If your partner knows the whereabouts of your source they can avoid it in the future. Do not invite friends or family to give their opinions or seek some sort of intervention in the form of a group session with your cheating partner. The fewer people who know about the affair the better. You will have a life after these events. You may have the ability to forgive your partner for their infidelity at some point, but friends and family may not be as forgiving. This is ultimately a decision that you will have to make on your own. If you seek opinions and advice from friends and family do not use their names as sources in the confrontation.

If you have children, get them to babysitters, grandparents, or a friend's house. Older children have the ability to understand what is taking place; smaller children will wonder what is taking place between partners and could get scared or worried. Discussions that involve infidelity can take hours with periods of extreme emotional outbursts, moments of emotional breakdowns, incidence of compassion, and have repeated episodes of each through the entire confrontation. It is not a proper place to expose children to.

Try your best to listen to your partner without interrupting, or becoming too emotional. Do your best to just try and communicate effectively. This means there is a speaker and a listener. You will never fully get to the bottom of the affair and all of its details if you cannot listen to what each of you are saying. If you feel the confrontation and discussion is getting too heated, take a break and agree to come back and discuss the situation in a few minutes or a bit later. Get your partner to understand that you want answers and this discussion is not just going to go away.

Even though your partner had an affair and this is obviously a very serious blow to your relationship but do not assume the worst. Many relationships suffer the impact of infidelity and are able to manage to stay together and weather the storm that you are treading through right now. Many couples report feeling a renewed bond between each other that actually made their relationship stronger after recovering from an affair. The relationship does not have to end immediately after the confrontation. There is no reason to immediately begin looking for an apartment, begin packing, calling a divorce lawyer, etc. Monitor the response of your partner in the next few weeks and months after the confrontation if you are interested in salvaging the relationship. Do you feel as though they are working with you on the relationship? Are they beginning to gravitate back to you emotionally? Is there something in the relationship worth staying for? There are several decisions that will have to be made in the near future but do not rush into anything too soon.

In the meantime, give each other space and check in with each other routinely if you decide to stay together. The road back to a healthy relationship after infidelity is long and very uncomfortable. Rebuilding trust and intimacy takes a lot of time to rebuild and is filled with many ups and downs. Just when you think the mental images of the affair are gone from your mind they resurface and the painful moments are reborn again. Be there for your partner whenever they have questions regarding the affair and be completely honest about what your significant other asks. Do not make any major decisions in your life for several months if at all possible. Make some healthy decisions for yourself in the meantime. Avoid concealing your low self-esteem with revenge affairs, alcohol, drugs, or other self-destructive behaviors. Get support from your friends and family to help you through this difficult process. If you need to get individual counseling to help with your feelings involving the betrayal seek it out. If you want to address the affair and think a mediator would work for you, try marriage counseling. You and your significant other should both get checked for sexually transmitted infections after the affair. Look into other areas of your life before committing completely to your partner again if you decide to do so. A person who has the ability to deceive you in such a personal manner may be taking advantage of you in other ways as well. The mantra for the rest of your relationship will be trust through verification. 

http://www.dreamstime.com/portrait-of-couple-arguing-free-stock-image-imagefree2364040

Holding Cheaters Accountable

One thing that rang loud and clear for me once I discovered my girlfriend was cheating on me was that I needed to distance myself emotionally and physically from my girlfriend for a little bit in order to make rational decisions. I was living with my girlfriend at the time of her infidelity and I went home and stayed with family to avoid her for a few days. I refused her calls and made a point in not calling her while doing some deep thinking. I think many of us who have been cheated on want to monitor the cheater and be close to them as much as we can, hoping to prevent further cheating by being near them. While I was away from the relationship I began looking back at circumstances in our relationship that I paid no attention to before the cheating occurred. My girlfriend was constantly going out with other male friends and had some unusual relationships that I began to now question. I thought nothing of these friendships when I fully trusted her. These relationships became much more visible to me like a light passing through a prism I suddenly saw more of the spectrum of my girlfriend. There was Rusty the guy she always went for a walk with several nights a week, an ex-boyfriend who was constantly calling her at all hours of the night (sometimes sober, sometimes not), her old college friends who happened to be in town when I was out of town, or her male counterparts she befriended every weekend. After she had been caught cheating, the signs of a cheater were all around me. As I put all these situations together in my mind I realized that this was most likely not her first episode of cheating on me. It was the first time she had been caught cheating on me. As I returned to our apartment and we discussed our future it was very clear to me that I needed to impose consequences or an ultimatum on my girlfriend. She took very little responsibility for any of her actions and every speck of dust in our apartment that was out of place appeared to be a sign of cheating to me. Letters from the individual I caught her cheating with started appearing almost daily in the mail, he would call our apartment at times and she would take these calls in another room, routinely dropping his name in conversation and she continued this relationship even after we discussed trying to work on our relationship. Weeks later I moved out because I did not want to witness anymore of this mental burden in my own living environment. We continued to stay together in our relationship for the time being but I was unable to stay in that environment. If you allow yourself to be a doormat by a cheater they will abuse this behavior and push the envelope further with their behaviors. It is important to make sure a cheater knows that you will not tolerate this type of treatment and you must impose some sort of consequence for their actions. You may have to risk your relationship in the process but what kind of relationship do you really have if someone is willing to treat you as a consolation prize?

Finding An Outlet After An Affair

Trying to work through my relationship with my ex-girlfriend once I found out she was cheating was the most difficult thing I ever experienced. What do I do after knowing she cheated? Do I stay in this relationship or should I leave? Do I give my girlfriend an ultimatum? Do I even believe this relationship is salvageable? So many what ifs that only I could reasonably answer and I had already invested five years into my girlfriend did I really just want to leave? For me there was no perfect timeline or linear progression of things to do or a laundry list to check off as it pertains to figuring out what to do after learning about the cheating. What really worked for me was making sure that I did not do anything foolish towards the person my girlfriend cheated with or towards the relationship with my girlfriend. I simply did nothing for a few days. This was difficult because I was wrought with emotion and I had this need to micromanage her life as to somehow prevent her from continuing to cheat by keeping her in my sight at all times. Other times I isolated myself from my girlfriend, hung out with friends, and wanted to make sure I had a clear head before making any decisions about the status of our relationship. I would suggest not making any major decisions about your relationship or your life for a few days. Being cheated on is such a stressful satiation. The mind and body are filled with anxiety and pain as a result of the infidelity making coherent thoughts and decisions very difficult. I found that writing and venting into a notebook helped me a lot and it helped me keep a running log of my girlfriend's lies, stories, and excuses about our relationship. In time, my moonlighting little girlfriend began to hate my notebook so much that she attempted to destroy my notebook if she found it, became irritated when she found me writing in it, went looking for it when she noticed it not in my possession and hated the fact that I was the most content when I was writing or reading my notebook for comfort. When you are trying to figure out what to do in your relationship I suggest keeping yourself occupied as much as you can. Learn a new skill or hobby, hang out and lean on friends and family, and begin to work on yourself on matters unrelated to the relationship. I lost a lot of weight exercising and began pretending I did not care what my girlfriend did. Work on yourself and try to keep your mind as busy as possible. When you are at home alone with little to assist you in not thinking about your partner is when the difficulties managing your emotions become the most apparent. Take one day at a time and with each passing day things do get easier. You can and will recover.

Cheaters and Their Unmet Needs

Relationships have their problems. Relationships have great times, wonderful moments, and moments when life feels perfect. Relationships also develop problems, immense difficulties, and at times it feels easier to avoid your partner than address the issues that are affecting the relationship. I am beginning to see and hear about more and more relationships having an individual step out of the relationship because their primary partner is not meeting their needs. This is just another excuse for individuals to satisfy the selfishness inside themselves followed by a rationalization for their behavior of cheating. Marriages, committed relationships, and long term relationships take real work. There will be periods of unhappiness from both partners at times in a relationship but this is never a justification to cheat. Communication skills, such as listening and verbalizing what each other are feeling, seem to be a lost art form in relationships. I understand that at times partners drift apart and people feel more like roommates versus marital companions who support each other. When my ex-girlfriend and I sat down for the first time after I found out about her cheating the first thing she attempted to do was cite the various needs that I was currently unable to fulfill. This was the first time I was hearing about her unmet needs from her lips. As I sat there, listening to her attempt to defend her decision to cheat, I found a moment of clarity in between bouts of anger and depression. I asked her one question during our discussion that sent her over the edge because there really was no answer for it. What do lying, cheating, and sneaking around behind my back have to do with my ability to accommodate your needs? To this day, I feel her decision to cheat and her feeling neglected in some fashion, were two completely different issues. If she was so unhappy and believed her needs were not being met she could have started looking for someone more suitable for her needs. Cheaters are often too unhealthy to let go of a relationship because of fear of being alone and jump from relationship to relationship. The unmet needs are not usually the result of the relationship but of the internal issues the cheater possesses about themselves. To summarize, there is never an excuse to cheat. If there is some unmet need in your relationship you communicate these concerns with your partner. If communicating to your partner does not work, attempt counseling together for the sake of the relationship or discuss other options. Cheating just adds more complications, additional recovery issues, and increases the likelihood that the relationship will fail. The damage dealt to a betrayed partner from infidelity of a cheating partners stays with them for a lifetime.

Excuses Often Made When Caught Cheating

When people get caught in lies and uncomfortable situations they find themselves with usually two choices. They can decide to own their behavior and atone for what they did or attempt to justify the reasons for their behaviors. I seldom notice people stating that they behaved poorly anymore. It seems in this me, me, me ultimate selfishness world we live in today people either attempt to shift blame on others for how they misbehaved, use justification or rationalization for their behaviors, or simply do not care how their behavior affects other people. In any case these are the excuses most often used to attempt to justify or use as reasons for their indiscretions.

The affair helped me find who I am
Affair had nothing to do with you (it's me, not you)
It just happened
People are just not supposed to monogamous
Felt they needed space
Affair helped blow off steam and put some much needed fun in my life
Wanted to know if I was still sexually desirable to others
Believes spicing up the relationship with an affair would help a lackluster relationship
Felt relationship was boring
Friends talked me into cheating
Men just cheat
I have a sex addiction
Relationship was over long before I cheated or cites relationship as excuse for infidelity
Partner uses mental and emotional health as an excuse, or states they have issues/problems
Believes they found someone more suitable for them in the affair partner
I could not say no
I was seduced
Fear of committing to one person for a long period of time
Affair partner was too perfect to turn down
I needed to be with someone who cared for me
Affair was easy way to attempt to end relationship
I was drunk
I needed some excitement, something new and fresh sexually
I always wondered what it would be like to be with affair partner (old flames, high school sweetheart, one that got away, etc.)
Wanted to look and see if I was missing anything from the relationship by engaging in affair
I needed something to make me feel better
Wanted new sexual experiences
Revenge to get back at partner
Midlife crisis occurring and feeling unsure about place in life
Went looking for emotional and sexual needs elsewhere because I was unhappy
Please note that the above excuses are not acceptable reasons for cheating. There are no acceptable reasons for cheating, affairs, and infidelity with others when in a committed relationship. Like the above title suggests these are just excuses to attempt to shift blame or limit accountability for ones actions. I find it kind of convenient that these excuses or character flaws were seldom suggested, omnipresent, or communicated early in the relationship when their partner could have made a decision about the person before the relationship became more serious.

Cheater Accountability

One thing that I think is important if two people are to reconcile after an affair is that the cheater have some personal accountability for their actions. Once a cheater is caught, they often attempt to minimize the intensity of the relationship because of what they know they really did was pitiful. Most people who possess a conscious know that cheating is wrong. As a result, once the cheater is caught they attempt to avoid discussion about their actions due to embarrassment, shame, and personal humiliation because once the affair is exposed; a heinous individual becomes present for all whom know about the situation. I can recall moments of my teenage life when I told lies and stories for attention. Once caught in these scenarios instead of owning up to the lies I often became angry and lashed out at the people who knew the truth. Introspection and accountability are hard for individuals caught in such a distasteful situation. The cheater must weigh factors such as their shame and guilt from the affair along with the visible pain and suffering they dealt to their partner as a result of the choices they made. The path to reconciliation begins with full disclosure of details as needed and assigned by the person whom was betrayed. Some people require every single detail which requires a certain level of understanding from their viewpoint, others some details, and still others just need a few major questions answered. Some cheating partners want to pretend nothing happened and continue on with business as usual in the relationship. From what I have seen from friends, family, and coworkers is that a cheater that has little to no accountability is also very likely to continue on cheating or cheat in the near future. A person who cannot be open and honest about what they did while in the affair and discuss what their partners are asking for is someone that would be difficult to trust in an already volatile relationship environment. Cheaters are in their own personal dilemma as well. Those that are less than forthcoming are most likely afraid to completely disclose aspects of the affair because of what a betrayed partner may do with that information. The cheater may be also attempting to figure out what the betrayed partner knows and does not know about their infidelities. Reconciliation requires complete transparency, full communication, and one hundred percent honesty. The healing, true recovery, and forgiveness from the affair never really starts until both partners agree on a shared definition of what the next steps are in their relationship. I believe accountability and communication are difficult for cheaters and that is why the cheating most likely took place to begin with. Instead of talking about their needs with their partner, the cheater went looking for their needs elsewhere. To reconcile with their partner and themselves the cheater must atone for their actions and learn from their past infidelities. This is often a journey that requires outside intervention from mental health professionals. Both partners must recover together in order to move forward. Pretending everything will be okay later without some very difficult relationship work will harm both of you in your relationship.

Who Cares Why A Cheater Cheats?

In my opinion, too many people that I assist in the matters of cheating often get too fixated on why their partner cheated when they find out their partner has cheated. While it is important to open the communication between two individuals if they are to ever attempt to work in reconciling after infidelity, I believe too much emphasis is placed on trying to figure out why someone decides to cheat from the betrayed partner. From personal experience I initially asked these same questions when I first found out my girlfriend had cheated. As the shock of the infidelity wore off for me and I regained the ability to think straight, I really did not need to know why she cheated. She cheated and that was a personal choice she made. I did not care if she was thinking about me before she slept with someone else or if she was specifically searching for unmet needs from another person outside our relationship. The reasons why never really became an issue for me because the mental imagery, the thoughts I was placing in my head picturing my girlfriend and the other person she cheated with together gave me more concerns than the reasons why she decided to cheat. These mental images consumed me for weeks while we were together as a couple and when I ended the relationship I was still thinking about the two of them in precarious positions long after I ended our relationship. From time to time I still run into old memories that bring thoughts of her back into my mind for a few moments and the cheating images continue to be burned into my mind. Years later I still see her cheating despite the positive memories we had before that time. This is where the difficulty recovering and moving on from infidelity was for me. I could attempt to forgive but recovery was not possible for me because the pictures of the two of them together in my thoughts never went away. My thoughts of her with someone else never made it possible to trust her again and I could not get the images out of my mind in any suitable fashion to truly make peace with her infidelity. I give all those betrayed spouses, partners, and significant others all the credit in the world for trying to work through the pain of infidelity, forgive, and eventually reconcile. I believe that some cheaters can and do learn from their mistakes. I am one of those people who would not allow a cheater the opportunity of a second offense. To rid the thoughts of my ex-girlfriend sleeping with another man, I needed to rid my ex-girlfriend from my life. Time is an ally of yours and the horrifying pain dealt to a person through infidelity does dissipate eventually.

Cheater Justification

When you finally catch your partner cheating or are able to force a confession from a cheater with a large amount of evidence from routine mistakes, this is when you really find out how selfish and self-centered your partner really is. For months or possibly years your partner has lied, willfully deceived you, and lived a secret life you were unaware of. Once that façade comes into clear view of the betrayed partner the excuses that are given from a wandering partner for their betrayal become many. When a person is caught in lies, when the betrayed partner begins to recognize their partners damaging behaviors, it is common for individuals to attempt to justify or rationalize their behaviors. When cheaters are first caught they almost always begin listing a litany of excuses as to why it was the betrayed partners fault for their decision to cheat. They state their partner was not meeting their needs, it was just a simple mistake, unbelievable connection to a person they cheated with, to drunkenness made them do it. These explanations or stating unfulfilled needs could have been better communicated verbally to their partner but some people choose cheating as their primary method of stating their unhappiness in relationships. Be very careful not to be drawn into an excuse making argument over the validity of a partners reasons to cheat. Cheating, affairs, infidelity, and serial sexual encounters while in a monogamous relationships with others are a conscious decision by flawed individuals. Often no amount of attention to all their needs is enough for cheating individuals from one person so they often look to multiple individuals to try and fill their happiness at the expense of others. The straying partner often has so much emotional and mental baggage that results in them attempting to achieve happiness externally through other people. For the betrayed partner, the first instinct is often of what did I do wrong to make my partner so unhappy to make this decision to cheat? Why am I not good enough for my partner that they needed someone other than me? Other betrayed partners replay every mistake they believed they have made in the relationship searching for answers. It is much easier for the betrayed partner to internalize relationships problems related to infidelity than to acknowledge that the partner they chose to love and trust willingly harmed them purposefully by seeking out other people. As I have said in past posts, the cheating has much more to do with the cheaters empty self-esteem and worth than it does the actions of the betrayed partner. The decision to sleep with another person involves deceitful planning and a secretive nature to them long before any actual cheating took place. These behaviors are often slowly building with another person over a given period of time. Most individuals know well before they make a relationship physical that they were crossing a line with a person other than their primary partner that was leading towards a direction that was inappropriate.

Traits of a Cheater

Many individuals exhibit personality characteristics that seem to strongly correlate with the behavior of cheating. Individuals with several of the below characteristics have shown a greater tendency to cheat in their primary relationships then those not possessing some of the characteristics. Just because someone possesses a few of the below traits does not mean that a person will ultimately cheat in their relationships. Recognizing some of the below characteristics can aid a person in weeding out individuals that may turn around and hurt them later on in a relationship. If some of these traits become observable during your relationship it would be wise to keep a watchful eye on your partner as to prevent cheating from occurring or deciding to get out of a relationship before becoming scarred from a betrayal.
Is seen flirting with others routinely
Enjoys taking risks and engaging in exciting activities
Poor manners and social interactions with other people
Catching them in lies regarding many aspects of their life
Partner's parent's relationship was marred with cheating
Partner appears to tell you and other people what they want to hear
Partner has friends that cheat
Partner displays controlling and manipulative behaviors or having double standards for themselves
Displays fear of growing old, is very vain about their appearance
Very consumed with materialistic aspects of life
Partner feels entitled to everything in their life
Partner is never satisfied about anything
Seems to cycle through friends quite quickly
Strong sense of independence and even appears to be a loner at times
Makes excuses about a lot of areas of their lives
Difficulty managing money
Appears unreliable in many facets of their life
Easily becomes jealous
Partner was known to have cheated in prior relationships
Partner needs attention from other people especially those of the opposite sex
Partner had very active sexual encounters in the past before entering relationship
Partner has a lot of opposite sex friends
Requires approval from others and is constantly looking outside themselves for happiness
Partner is unethical in other areas of their lives
Very self-centered and displays narcissistic personality traits
Frequents nights clubs, bars, and late night parties
Suffers from sexual performance anxiety



 

Personal Damage From My Ex

The thing I do not understand about cheaters is why make the decision to cheat at all? If a person is unhappy in a relationship why not make a change and at least be honest about being unhappy with a partner they are with. I am sure there are a few individuals like my ex-girlfriend who want their cake and eat it too. The truth would have been painful but at least I can respect someone who is honest enough to make a relationship decision or exit a relationship with me in an appropriate manner. I could of at least began to work on myself and focus on changes I could have learned from the relationship or use that time to seek a new relationship. Cheating really is a cowards way out of relationships, completely disrespectful towards a person whom you at least once cared about, and horribly selfish. I do not think that people really understand the damage that cheating does to another person until they have been the recipient of such behavior. Once I found out I was cheated on my first thoughts were about how bad of a boyfriend I was. What was I doing wrong that someone felt it necessary to go outside the relationship to get their needs met? My self-esteem went into a never ending abyss that with each day and seemed to slide lower and lower. I had feelings of intense inadequacies, second guessing all decisions I had made in the relationship prior to her cheating and fell into a horrible depression. I felt extremely embarrassed and ashamed as I found out others close to me knew about my ex-girlfriend cheating before I did. I became angry because I found out that my ex's family not only knew she was cheating but were implicit in keeping it a secret in order to protect my ex. I felt incredibly used as more and more details came forward, like some sort of consolation prize to return to if these other escapades did not work out. My trust was shattered as we attempted to work through the relationship and my trust of women in future relationships was ruined by one selfish female. As time went on and I recovered from this relationship and the incident of cheating, I learned that the cheating had very little to do with me as it did my ex-girlfriends major character flaws and attitudes about herself. Cheaters are often very unhappy about themselves and need outside reinforcement from others to find happiness for themselves for a short time. This short term happiness needs constant refueling in the form of compliments, attention, and supporting their feelings of being needed from others. It is really an ugly and sad pattern that will often continue until the cheater finds happiness from within. The troublesome aspect of individuals like my ex-girlfriend is that the cheaters do severe damage to others along their personal journey in finding happiness from others in maladaptive ways.

Trust Your Gut Feelings When It Comes To Cheater

One thing I noticed in my experience of dating a cheater is that once I began to have that gut feeling that something was not right with my girlfriend at the time; I began to notice so many things that I had not noticed before. I was young and inexperienced with how to confront a cheater and just asked her point blank if she was cheating. I was called paranoid, accused of not having trust in her or our relationship, and the fact that I confronted her was even used as an excuse for more space on her part. It is very easy to dismiss accusations of infidelity without any real proof but that initial feeling that something was wrong is often the single biggest clue that something is wrong. Do not let your guard down or second guess your feelings on matters related to your partner cheating. Once I had my feelings that something was not right I began noticing unusual circumstances in our apartment. Angela, my ex-girlfriend, was 5'3 and about 115 pounds and once I became suspicious I noticed pizza boxes and large carryout orders from local restaurants which was weird for such a small woman. I started noticing recently lit candles in our bedroom that were in the living room a few days earlier and the excuses for this new arrangement were absurd. We used to split the phone bill for our phone carrier and suddenly she was willing to pick up the bill completely. Previous to my feelings about Angela and her cheating, I would bet these items were there but I was not at all worried or troubled by feelings of her cheating. I began keeping a list of things that I felt were suspicious and once my list began to become longer than a page I knew I was right in my feelings about Angela's cheating. Several months later I began to look through some of her belongings and I found letters to and from an ex-boyfriend whom lived a few hours away. She was visiting this city for continuing education credits twice a month for college. I contacted the department head of her major and he was unaware of the continuing education program I had been told of. I began fact checking every statement she gave me about everything and routinely found lies or holes in her stories. Her secret life was unraveling for her and she denied all the evidence and accusations until the end. She had great poise and somewhat conceivable answers for all of my questions and I so badly wanted to believe her but there was just too much circumstantial evidence pointing towards her cheating. About six months after my first gut feeling I returned home unexpected from an overnight shift to find my girlfriend scantily dressed with another man in our bed. The point of this entry is to trust your own judgment and do not allow a person you feel is cheating on you to limit or second guess your feelings. Cheaters lie and do so with great composure and believability. Check every statement and fact you can if you feel your partner is cheating. If you are suspicious that your partner is cheating begin to keep a sharp eye out on them and become familiar with the signs of cheating. If they are cheating they will screw up sooner or later. If I could go back and do this situation all over again with Angela, I would have devised a better exit strategy and not wasted so much time attempting to repair an obviously flawed relationship. I was lucky, I had not married this woman, we did not have any kids, so I was not rooted in place with this woman. As time has gone by I at times thank Angela for this situation in my heart and mind. I was naïve, completely trusting, and put up with things I should have never put up with before she cheated on me. That all changed for that current relationship with Angela and every relationship after that. Never allow yourself to be anyone's doormat.

Signs of a Cheater

It is important that you become familiar with these signs that are listed below if you suspect that your partner is cheating. Initially people are often not in tuned to their partner's behaviors but once you suspect something is taking place between your partner and someone else it is often easy to pick up on things that you should have been concerned about. Initially there is very little to be concerned about because you had full trust of your partner. Once your suspicions become aware and activated many of these signs begin to jump out at you roaring like a tornado siren after a sighting of a funnel cloud.

You sense something is wrong in the relationship and suspect cheating.

You begin to catch them in lies

Wanting to be social with others without you

Partner returns from work and needs to take an immediate shower

Friends, coworkers, and family of spouse/partner seem uncomfortable around you

Your partner is very concerned about your whereabouts, where you will be, and for how long

Car seat in unusual position

Forgetting or not wearing wedding bands

Very concerned about their privacy suddenly

Encouraging you to take a vacation or visit out of town relatives

Partner accidently calls you by another name

Defensive when questioned about their day or where they have been

Unusual behaviors and mood swings that do not make any sense

You notice someone's name becoming more frequently dropped than in the past, both positively and negatively.

New change in music, art, and suddenly finds a hobby that did not interest them before

You feel as if your partner is avoiding you

Partner discusses hypothetical questions that involve separation, break ups, or divorce.

Partner is overly sensitive towards your criticism, comments, and opinions

You learn you have an STD and you have been monogamous to the relationship

Your friends inquire about your partner's faithfulness

Secretive about bills such as credit cards, phone bills, or other miscellaneous bills

Increase in the use of computer, cell phones, texting, etc. especially when you go to bed or are out of the room

Partner ends phone calls, closes internet browsers, is seen/heard whispering into the phone or does not pay attention to text messages when you enter the room

Secretive talking on the phone or goes into another room to take a call

Unusual habits on the computer or cell phone such as deleting e-mails/text messages daily

You are receiving hang up calls to your home

Text messages or phone messages from unknown numbers

Partner seems uncomfortable being close to you or a forced expectation

Partner has scratches, bruises, and marks on body with poor explanations for how they got there

Starts buying you gifts and become more attentive towards you

New lingerie that you have never seen

They suddenly need "space" or like being alone

Unusual or new sex habits or less sex in relationship

Wanting to read or learn how to be better in bed

Spouse/partner stops confiding in you

Suddenly you are being accused of cheating for no reason

Find intimate clothing, lingerie, or sexy gifts that do not belong to you

Emotional connection between you and partner been dwindling or rapidly decreasing

Partner develops a sudden change in personality traits

Partner rarely tells you they love you anymore

Partner has an overnight kit of clothes, toothbrush, and personal items in their car

You find different colored hairs than your own in clothes, car, home, etc.

A spouse that usually did not want to assist in the laundry suddenly wanting to complete their own laundry

Evidence left on clothes such as hair, lipstick, bodily fluids, perfumes, colognes, etc.

Positive comments, feedback, and compliments have ceased in your relationship

Partner begins to be concerned about their appearance. Often joins a gym, begins working out, or buys new clothes.

Partner feels guilty, bad, or ashamed when you do something nice for them

Cancelling of scheduled evening plans for the two of you are becoming routine

Fights and arguments erupt more quickly and partner begins to leave the home when frustrated

Partner begins to use new catch phrases or slang terms around the home

Leaves the home excited and returns home appearing depressed

Partner does not seem concerned with what is taking place at home

Spending less time with you and/or family

Partner does not want to do anything with you anymore, attend family events, or participate in family matters

Partner finds excuses to run errands or attempts to sneak out of the house. These errands take much longer than they should

Not feeling hungry at dinner time with family (already had dinner with someone else)

Unusual or changes in spending habits, unusual receipts from places you have never been, even financial trouble

Unusual charges to credit cards or ATM withdrawals

An increase in business trips, overtime, and required work expectations requiring them to be away more often

Regular work hours are suddenly changing

These are not automatic signs of cheating but this is just a list of common cheating signs. Use common sense when addressing cheating with a suspected cheater. A car seat in the wrong position does not equate to cheating but if you find condom wrappers while you are on the pill or had a vasectomy it is pretty clear what is happening. You can shrug a few of the signs in isolation as coincidence but if you notice several of these signs regarding your partner perhaps you need to keep a more watchful eye on your partner or take other necessary steps to find out for sure what is happening should you require absolute proof.

Photo courtesy of dreamstime.com

 

Cheaters are caught in a variety of unique ways. No matter how clever they believe they are or how smart a cheater thinks they are sooner or later a mistake will be made and then the real fun starts. A friend of mine recently found out about an affair his wife was having from the mailman to his home. He returned home from work and was approached by his mail carrier about the move he was making from his current residence. My friend had no idea what the mail carrier was talking about. His wife had filed a change of address form without my friend knowing about it. He took the address from the mail carrier and said nothing to his wife for several weeks until she had a "required business trip" for work. He went to the address on the change of address after she left for her trip he received from the mail carrier and found his wife staying with another man in the apartment. His wife had rented this apartment in the next town from their home for nearly six months and had who knows how many liaisons at this apartment during that time. My friend had no idea this was going on and claims to have not noticed anything unusual about his wife's behavior. If you have any suspicions that your significant other may be cheating it is imperative that you know common signs of cheaters. As is usually the case his wife wants to work on their marriage and my friend is a complete mess. The last few times he has spoken to me he pretty much wants to die, drinks the evening away to dull his emotional pain, and finds himself unsure of what to do in his marriage. He is barely holding on to his job, which he no longer cares about, and cannot get images of his wife's apartment and men from his mind. His wife reports feeling incredibly horrible for what she has done to him and feels guilty how her husband has dealt with her affair. Nothing I have ever experienced in life feels quite like what I felt once I realized I was being cheated on. It is common for the betrayed partner to internalize that something is wrong with them as reasons for the cheating. It implodes the self-worth of the betrayed partner, leaves a person wanting to know the reasons why infidelity occurred, and why the lack of respect for the primary relationship. I could move past the affair at times but the conniving manner in which my ex-girlfriend was lying, the chronic deceit, and the purposeful selfishness was impossible for me to forgive. When working on a relationship after an affair be prepared to measure success in years, not days, weeks, or even months. Some individuals are able to successfully repair their marriages after an affair. Trust is very difficult to repair and only with full disclosure and access too many electronic apparatus that often are used to hide affairs can a marriage survive such a devastating blow. After surfing the internet for some time I saw several numbers that put the range of successfully addressing a marriage after an affair to be between 10 and 35 %.

A Little Introduction

When I was in college I dated a woman named Angela for five and a half years. It was a very tumultuous relationship for me because I felt there were a lot of head games, unusual rules that were okay for her but not for me, and I was not nearly having as much sex in our relationship as she was. Angela was my introduction to the horrors of cheating, depleting my self-esteem, and second guessing every interaction I have had in other relationships ever since then. This relationship ended a long time ago and the internet was just in its infancy at the time. There were no support groups, very little information on cheating except from friends, and I spent far too long trying to understand why Angela had decided to routinely cheat on me. I attempted to work on our relationship when I finally caught her cheating but I was unable to hold on to this relationship because of lack of trust, shattered image of myself, and every time she was a few minutes late or an unusual piece of paper was in her apartment I believed she was cheating. I did not know the signs of a cheater, I thought only poor relationships had cheaters, and I did not really know how to handle the fallout from cheating. I wished there had been a place to assist me during that awful time or more specifically someone who had been there to tell me what was in store for me once I was to attempt to repair the relationship.

Since that time of my personal experience with being cheated on, I have had many friends who are experiencing the same things as I did, are engaging in cheating themselves, and for some reason these individuals are looking to me for answers. I previously had a relationship blog that I had written for informational purposes and the blog ended up being bombarded with questions regarding infidelity, how to catch a cheater, and how to recover from infidelity. Many of these stories were heartbreaking, unbelievable in their narcissism, and even cruel towards people that they once professed to love. I plan on detailing the experiences from a variety of individuals close to me regarding recovering from cheating and how to protect yourself as much as possible from these horrible experiences associated with cheating.