The Mind of a Cheater

Every so often someone who has been affected by infidelity asks me what are cheaters thinking when they cheat? No matter how smart people think they are more times than not most affairs will be discovered and the impending fallout from such an event will occur. I compare the mind of a cheater to that of an alcoholic or a person with addiction issues. The cheaters mind is seldom thinking about addressing the consequences of their actions and is often fixated with the high that accompanies an affair. As a result the cheater cares little of how they are hurting themselves, their families or other people. A cheater is a person who is only interested in getting what they want and cares very little about who the hurt when it comes to getting what they want. Cheating is a picture of self-absorption and narcissism at its finest. The cheater often makes excuses for the affair justifying the actions they are currently displaying. Cheaters often live in a reality of their own called affair fog where they have serious breaks from what their lives are or were since engaging in an affair. As an affair takes place cheaters weave a web of lies, deceit and meander a river of deception in such a manner that they themselves begin to believe their own falsehoods. As the affair begins to peak the cheater selectively interprets the wondrous aspects of the affair and the affair partner. At the same time the cheater paints a portrait of torment they had to endure in the long term relationship partner. As the cheater attempts to reconcile these two dualities there is little wonder why cheaters completely abandon long term partners emotionally and physically while gazing longingly at the affair partner on their perceived pedestals.

 

In short, the mind of a cheater is one of complete narcissism, selfishness and self protection that they must begin to fabricate the reality of their marriages or relationships to meet and rationalize the current utopia of the affair. To make sense of a current affair the cheater must blur the lines of reality to sell their behavior to family, friends and others in their social circle. To rationalize their behavior of infidelity, the cheater usually fabricates the relationship of the long term spouse or partner believing that the relationship was flawed; they were persecuted, being held back by an overbearing partner and anointing themselves to near sainthood status for even staying in the relationship. The cheaters mind becomes more of a substitute alibi to their behavior filled with justifications and excuse explanations in order to come to terms with their negative behaviors they have caused others and often themselves. Their mind deletes the actual history of their past relationships and recreates a version that is filled with despotism, cruelty and hardships no one person should have to endure. This is usually the result of a very skewed viewpoint. After justifying this relationship the cheater begins assigning negative attributes to the long term partner. The failures of the relationship are overemphasized; things that bothered the cheater are ascribed as intolerable and even behaviors that never existed are assigned to the cheaters long term partner. In the mind of the cheater it was only until the cheater found their affair partner that they realized how poorly they were being treated. Any attempts by family, friends, and long term partners to discuss the frailty of their thinking are met with opposition, irritation and thoughts of being bullied by those around them by infringing on their current happiness. 

 

The cheater will try to rally their social circle to attempt to get others to see the errors of their long term partner, to accept his or her excuses for cheating and gain approval of the affair partner and the cheaters behavior. All of these excuses, blaming and justification are an introspection of guilt that the cheater is attempting to resolve. Few individuals are able to look inward and except responsibility early on in an affair and instinctively lambast their long term partners through misconceptions of their own thinking and constitute new unrealistic thought patterns. The attention of the affair partner completely blinds any thoughts of reality or rational thinking. The constant positive reinforcement from the affair partner becomes addictive for the cheater and it becomes near impossible early after the discovery of an affair to rid themselves of the affair partner and the feelings they receive from their affair partner. The cheater begins to form an us versus them attitude between the affair partner, the cheater against the rest of the world. Most thoughts that enter the cheaters mind are selective filtered to form the world view around them in a manner they want to see it.

 

Once a person has decided to engage in an affair it is usually too late in finding reality. Affairs begin in the mind and are filled with positive thoughts, attitudes, and addictive feelings that are purposely filtered to form a preconceived perception that does not actually exist. Once affairs begin their new life is filled with self-absorption, self-centeredness that are chock full of positive affirmations and feelings which are so difficult to turn off. Those that attempt to turn off these feelings or impede them are often met with anger, outrage and self-serving vengeance. Some choose to live in this fantasy at others expense while attempting to have a relationship with more than one individual. We call these people cheaters and they will have their cake and eat too if given the opportunity.