The 180 Strategies

Discovering an affair leaves a betrayed spouse or partner with intense feelings of trauma, destroys the self-esteem and leaves a person lost in what is the next step. When I discovered my girlfriend stepping out on our relationship after five years I felt like I did everything wrong and wished I was able to access the resources to aid in recovery that are available today. A concept that I have become very familiar with is the concept of 180. The concept of 180 was introduced by Michelle Wiener Davis, author of Divorce Busting. I have seen this concept tried and promoted on several infidelity recovery websites by those victimized by infidelity. These concepts seem to really assist those struggling with any direction after the grief and anger following an affair is discovered.

These strategies are beneficial for those struggling with a partner who continues to engage in an affair after being discovered or with a partner who is stuck in affair fog and claims to be unsure of whether they want to reconcile the long term relationship. I liken these strategies to the fake it until you make strategies but with clear concise behaviors to implement. The 180 strategies empower the betrayed partner and give the wandering partner the appearance that the betrayed partner is going to wait around for the wandering partner to make a decision on what they want in a long term relationship and that the betrayed partner may have some decisions to make regarding the relationship as well. The 180 strategies allow a betrayed partner to detach from the emotionally distraught situation versus clutching the leg of a wandering partner begging them to please stay and choose them over the affair partner.

Another serendipitous result of 180 is the betrayed partner begins to focus on themselves and not allowing the affair or the wandering partner to control the life of the betrayed partner. Frequent fighting and inability to control emotions after discovering an affair make any serious work regarding reconciliation difficult. Affairs often turn the betrayed partners into codependent individuals that cater to the needs of the wandering partner in an attempt to win them back by being nice or giving in to the wandering partner’s wishes. The detachment through 180 allows the betrayed partner time and space with themselves to think clearly about the fallout of the affair versus the manipulation and blame shifting that often accompanies an affairs from a wandering partner. The 180 concepts assist the betrayed partner in protecting themselves when their instincts are insisting that they react, to explode with anger, to reason with the wandering partner and lash out at the culprits in the affair. The 180 brings focus and strength through a well planned guideline to assist a struggling betrayed partner.

The 180 Strategies

1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.

4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.

5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wandering partner.

7. Don’t ask for reassurances.

8. Don’t buy or give gifts.

9. Don’t schedule dates together.

10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!

17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back.  Don’t always be so available…for anything!  Your spouse will notice.  More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment.  Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper.  No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER.  No show of temper!  Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control.  YOURSELF!

21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).  In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.  Hear what it is that they are saying!  Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation.  No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you.  Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.  It’s not always about you!  More to the point, at present they just don’t care.

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see.  Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable.  Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid.  Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.  It “ain’t over till it’s over!”

32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent!  It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person.  This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual.  Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life.  Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner.

I cannot stress enough how I wished I knew these strategies when I was going through my situation involving my cheating girlfriend. I was not confident in what I was doing after discovery of her infidelity and I was placing the focus on everyone but myself. The 180 is intended to give the betrayed partner a game plan for yourself. The 180 prepares you with appropriate boundaries, rules and expectations. The wandering partner may or may not adapt or notice the changes in a betrayed partner using the 180. Often the wandering partner responds quite quickly to the change in attitude of the betrayed partner. It is important to stick to these concepts even if you notice the wandering partner acquiescing to the changes. The 180 is a tool to assist the betrayed partner not to change and convince a wandering partner to willingly come back. The 180 has little to do with the wandering partner but about self empowerment.

The goal of those who use 180 would likely be reunification but in the process is to improve the attitude and behaviors of the betrayed partner, to become happier, promote hope that they will get through the ugly process that results from an affair and reduce the feelings of desperation. This is about you not the wandering partner.

Be careful about stating you forgive a cheater too early. Give yourself time and work at reconciliation if you choose to.

The Mind of a Cheater

Every so often someone who has been affected by infidelity asks me what are cheaters thinking when they cheat? No matter how smart people think they are more times than not most affairs will be discovered and the impending fallout from such an event will occur. I compare the mind of a cheater to that of an alcoholic or a person with addiction issues. The cheaters mind is seldom thinking about addressing the consequences of their actions and is often fixated with the high that accompanies an affair. As a result the cheater cares little of how they are hurting themselves, their families or other people. A cheater is a person who is only interested in getting what they want and cares very little about who the hurt when it comes to getting what they want. Cheating is a picture of self-absorption and narcissism at its finest. The cheater often makes excuses for the affair justifying the actions they are currently displaying. Cheaters often live in a reality of their own called affair fog where they have serious breaks from what their lives are or were since engaging in an affair. As an affair takes place cheaters weave a web of lies, deceit and meander a river of deception in such a manner that they themselves begin to believe their own falsehoods. As the affair begins to peak the cheater selectively interprets the wondrous aspects of the affair and the affair partner. At the same time the cheater paints a portrait of torment they had to endure in the long term relationship partner. As the cheater attempts to reconcile these two dualities there is little wonder why cheaters completely abandon long term partners emotionally and physically while gazing longingly at the affair partner on their perceived pedestals.

 

In short, the mind of a cheater is one of complete narcissism, selfishness and self protection that they must begin to fabricate the reality of their marriages or relationships to meet and rationalize the current utopia of the affair. To make sense of a current affair the cheater must blur the lines of reality to sell their behavior to family, friends and others in their social circle. To rationalize their behavior of infidelity, the cheater usually fabricates the relationship of the long term spouse or partner believing that the relationship was flawed; they were persecuted, being held back by an overbearing partner and anointing themselves to near sainthood status for even staying in the relationship. The cheaters mind becomes more of a substitute alibi to their behavior filled with justifications and excuse explanations in order to come to terms with their negative behaviors they have caused others and often themselves. Their mind deletes the actual history of their past relationships and recreates a version that is filled with despotism, cruelty and hardships no one person should have to endure. This is usually the result of a very skewed viewpoint. After justifying this relationship the cheater begins assigning negative attributes to the long term partner. The failures of the relationship are overemphasized; things that bothered the cheater are ascribed as intolerable and even behaviors that never existed are assigned to the cheaters long term partner. In the mind of the cheater it was only until the cheater found their affair partner that they realized how poorly they were being treated. Any attempts by family, friends, and long term partners to discuss the frailty of their thinking are met with opposition, irritation and thoughts of being bullied by those around them by infringing on their current happiness. 

 

The cheater will try to rally their social circle to attempt to get others to see the errors of their long term partner, to accept his or her excuses for cheating and gain approval of the affair partner and the cheaters behavior. All of these excuses, blaming and justification are an introspection of guilt that the cheater is attempting to resolve. Few individuals are able to look inward and except responsibility early on in an affair and instinctively lambast their long term partners through misconceptions of their own thinking and constitute new unrealistic thought patterns. The attention of the affair partner completely blinds any thoughts of reality or rational thinking. The constant positive reinforcement from the affair partner becomes addictive for the cheater and it becomes near impossible early after the discovery of an affair to rid themselves of the affair partner and the feelings they receive from their affair partner. The cheater begins to form an us versus them attitude between the affair partner, the cheater against the rest of the world. Most thoughts that enter the cheaters mind are selective filtered to form the world view around them in a manner they want to see it.

 

Once a person has decided to engage in an affair it is usually too late in finding reality. Affairs begin in the mind and are filled with positive thoughts, attitudes, and addictive feelings that are purposely filtered to form a preconceived perception that does not actually exist. Once affairs begin their new life is filled with self-absorption, self-centeredness that are chock full of positive affirmations and feelings which are so difficult to turn off. Those that attempt to turn off these feelings or impede them are often met with anger, outrage and self-serving vengeance. Some choose to live in this fantasy at others expense while attempting to have a relationship with more than one individual. We call these people cheaters and they will have their cake and eat too if given the opportunity.

Responding To a Cheating Fiancé

Most individuals view marriage as a serious commitment. The period of time from dating until the wedding day is research material for fiancés and dating partners to determine whether or not the person they are dating is worth a potential lifetime investment. Some people make it through the process to become spouses others are unable to make it into potential lifelong partners and are necessarily discarded. Making a commitment in front of family and friends brings serious expectations of the future. Many of us naively believe that marriage will be easy, wonderful and will last until our very last breath. Some ignore very serious red flags, warning signs and obvious evidence that perhaps they are marrying a person they should not be. Even signs as serious as infidelity are often put aside, forgiven or dealt with in order to traverse the aisles of a planned wedding day but should a betrayed fiancé go ahead with a wedding given a partners cheating?

All too many people play the forgive and forget game to stumble down the aisle with resentment hoping a beautiful wedding day will patch the holes that are left gaping in the trust of their relationship resulting from infidelity. Simply making it to the wedding seldom actually patches the holes left from the betrayal before the wedding day and will not change what has previously occurred. I find that cheaters often remember that they were forgiven years ago and appear to believe the same will happen in subsequent instances when cheating is discovered in the future. A betrayed partner took him back before the better or for worse exchanges what is so different after the vows are exchanged? Cheating fiancés really have no reason to change if they are forgiven and more times than not find themselves unraveled in future cheating situations.

After a marriage has taken place it becomes a bit more difficult to end a relationship. The process of divorce is stressful, embarrassing and full of feelings of failure. Many betrayed individuals look back with the glasses of hindsight wishing they had taken the opportunity to save themselves for a second gouging of infidelity from a cheater before their wedding day and ran from their fiancées. A marriage that begins with a loss of trust really does not have much of a chance to succeed. Difficult situations in marriages bring back the old memories of cheating that really never completely go away. Nights out with friends while you are at home keep a person reflecting and wondering exactly what is taking place on these evening given a cheaters past misdeeds. Instead of hypnotizing yourself with the mantra that the cheater has changed and is different, it makes much more sense to find a person that does not cause such anxiety provoking memories from the past.

It makes much more sense in my opinion to just cut all loses if children are not involved if a person shows their true character before the wedding date. Breaking off an engagement is much less stressful than a divorce, with children and assets. Leaving town for a business trip or family visits are much easier with a person whom you have never known to be unfaithful than a person who has proven they are capable of cheating. It is difficult to look beyond the pain we are currently in at times and individuals fear loneliness, change and starting over that accompany a break up.

Maybe some people are more gifted than me at forgiveness. I honestly found it impossible to forget, I had to learn that I had self respect and collect it again and I am happier because of it. A person that cheats on their fiancée is actually presenting them the gift by cheating before the wedding. It is an opportunity to run from these selfish narcissists and find someone more suitable for you. It is better to find out before a wedding than after with several kids, property, finances, etc. Take the gift of your freedom and invest it in a person worth sharing your goals and expectations. I find that when a person displays who they are to go ahead and believe them, not their meaningless words.

Making It Through The Holidays Single

A few years back I can remember that the holidays were a time of increased anxiety for me and feelings of embarrassment when admitting that I was single. While I was single it seemed the minute I ran out of candy for trick-or-treaters on Halloween that some celebrity immediately sprinted to my television screen like a cheetah to perform their holiday infomercial, sporting the brand new jewelry of the holiday season. The commercials that ensued on November first appeared to be crammed with happy couples opening Christmas gifts and exchanging happy moments in typical glamorized Hollywood fashion that not only made me feel inadequate because of being single, but made me feel like I was living below the poverty line as well because of the gargantuan prices that were flashed across the screens portrayed as bargain prices. Holiday shopping days like Black Friday only reminded me that I had no one to shop for outside of my family and I felt like an imperfect person for the audacity of being single during the holiday season. As the holidays approached I made my mandatory appearances at family gatherings and I inevitably managed to sit next to someone who could plan my life better than I could. I always seemed to have nosy family and friends asking me why I was single and advising me where I could meet the next future ex-girlfriend of mine. When I spent time with family I only seemed to be reinforced that I was doing something wrong with my personal life. Family and friends told me how wonderful I was and could not understand how I continue to be single given all the wonderful characteristics I possess. At other holiday gatherings I had relatives playing Chuck Woolery of Love Connection asking me if I was interested in being set up with someone a relative knew I would be perfect for. Then there were the love sick relatives going on their fiftieth anniversary reminding me that I will soon find love as they did as the touched each other's hand and engaged in a passionate kiss right in front of me which looked closer to a poorly constructed attempt at CPR than a loving sign of affection as I slowly spit out my mother's homemade stuffing and her lightly buttered turkey which was one of the few highlights I actually looked forward to at those holiday gatherings. There was a period of time where I would agree to come home for the holidays but just confined myself to my old room as I attempted to hibernate like a grizzly bear hoping to awake several months later after the holiday season had passed. When single during the holiday season I felt like something was wrong with me, like I belonged on The Island of Misfit Toys. I was depressed at a time when everyone around me was filled with joyfulness and delighted with the environment of The Christmas Season. I just wanted a time machine to boost me forward from the fourth Wednesday in November to December 26^th. I just wanted to find some way to avoid all of the holiday pleasantries.

Of course this never happened. I was forced to watch as everyone in my vicinity was happily decorating their homes as the smiles and happiness seemed eternally burned into their faces. Everywhere I drove the front yards of homes were lit up like guiding lights attempting to signal planes overhead from those stranded on a deserted island below. Everyone else was happier than me, and life seemed so unfair to me at that time. Everyone was getting engaged, married, or celebrating their first Christmas together. I looked at everyone with contempt as if I was The Grinch and all those around me were the Who's from Whoville. The holiday season seemed so cruel to me, the single guy.

Being single during the holidays or any other day is not an affliction that a person must shyly acknowledge in the presence of others like we have just been caught in lie. Do not allow the media, friends, family, or even your coworkers to pass judgment, make assumptions, recite homilies about the direction your life is headed or how this will be the year for you to make those great changes that everyone knows that you have the capability to make. If you prefer a more proactive approach I have several suggestions for maintaining your sanity as a single person when everyone else around you appears to be spurting holiday cheer from every single one of their pores, gushing happiness with every blink of their eyes, and every second that goes by you are that much closer to converting to atheism or Jehovah's Witness as an attempt to never celebrate another holiday.

First of all, during the holidays try and find things that will keep your mind off of the fact that you are single or alone. While all those happy couples are French kissing under the mistletoe take this time to think about your plans for your future. This may be a time to start a journal about yourself. My greatest introspections came on "couple's holidays" such as Valentine's Day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas while single. The alone time I suffered through back then really made me think about where I was heading in my personal life, mistakes I was making, how I was underachieving professionally and about the type of people I was routinely dating. Begin by writing about all the positive things you see in yourself and things that you may think you need improvement on. If you are daring begin to give yourself some constructive criticism on your dating habits and scrutinize where you may be making some mistakes. This is not a time to call an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend but look at ways to improve your interactions with others. This is also a time to write your New Year's Resolutions and write late Christmas Cards to friends and family.

Before you decide to embrace the holiday cheer of family and friends take your own designated time to spoil yourself. Give yourself the royal treatment this holiday season and pamper yourself. If you have a little extra money get that haircut that you have been thinking about, try out a new fashion sense and go shopping, or get yourself a personalized spa treatment. If you just want to stay indoors and avoid the pillaging holiday shoppers, stay in and watch a few of your favorite movies, rent a new movie, read a new book, play a video games, etc. but do not sit around at home feeling sorry for yourself. Doing nothing provides your mind the fuel to start the engines of sorrow and pity in your mind. Build yourself a warm crackling fire, sample a few new savory wines you have been thinking of trying, and just relax. Before you go off to bed think about taking a nice warm bath while listening to soft music ( my favorite is The Blue Danube Op. 314 or Four Seasons) or spend some time in a Jacuzzi if you have one. If you want to be silly wrap yourself some presents and put them in a stocking or under the tree for yourself in the morning.
If you do not want to be alone or this the first holiday season you have been alone for a while, contact family and friends and schedule times to meet with them. As you agree to meet with friends and/or family provide some backup plans for yourself to make sure you enjoy yourself. If you are going to be around friends or family an extra few days offer to cook one day for everyone to help yourself remain busy. Try and catch up with old friends you grew up with who live near your family still. Look at local theatres for a new movie you can see alone or with someone you actually want to spend time with, or plan something special with your friends. Try and avoid the amount of time you spend with married couples or friends in long term relationships if it makes you uncomfortable being around those that remind you of your solitude relationship status during the holidays. Plan your exit strategies in advance with an excuse about the demands of work or obligations in your neighborhood if you begin to feel like a unicycle in a room full of bicycles.

This is not the most exciting way to plan the holidays but volunteering will certainly be the most rewarding. There is never a shortage of individuals down on their luck, stricken with medical conditions, or just elderly individuals who routinely spend every day and every holiday alone whom have very little family contacts left in their lives. These individuals view the holiday season as a chronic reminder of their solitude, with little contact from others, feelings of near seclusion, loneliness, with no family or friends to share their life experiences with. Here is your opportunity to truly earn a few points with the karma gods. Contact local food kitchens, homeless shelters, Salvation Army, Goodwill, food banks, churches, and ask if you can assist them during the holiday seasons. Walk through a nursing home and stop by a few individuals rooms and chat with them for a few minutes. It is pretty difficult to volunteer in places that I described previously and not feel much better about yourself on your drive home after volunteering. A female friend and I visited hospitals and nursing homes with our clients who were children diagnosed with severe emotional behavioral disorders during the holidays a few years ago. Even the most hardened children found the experience to be rewarding. Volunteering is also an opportunity for you to expand your social connections and to come in contact with some very wonderful people in the process of volunteering. Along with volunteering, make yourself available for other that you know are in need of assistance during the holidays. Check in with the neighbor down the street who is seldom seen or heard of. Make a stop by their residence and just sit down with them for an hour over the holidays. Be sure to notice the smiles from others you spent time with that are in a much worse predicament than you, as they show their appreciation of your presence.
Whether you believe it or not you are not the only single person in the world during this holiday season. There are single events that are planned for people just like yourself for the holidays. Look in your daily shopping guide, newspaper, postings at grocery stores, churches, local taverns or even social websites for locations for singles gatherings. Let friends know that you are open to being set up with others that are single near the holiday seasons if you are open to this. Make an effort to converse with strangers you normally would ignore, make an extra effort to smile at others that you do not know as you walk past them, and accept social invitations that you normally would pass on. Being single during the holidays does not mean you live a life of isolation or making preparations to quarantine yourself from the outside world. You never know where and when you may meet someone that is right for you and it might happen over the holidays at some random social engagement.

If you know that you are not going to do anything exciting for your holidays offer to help other friends or family out by offering to watch their little crumb crunchers so your friends or family can have some alone time with their significant others. Be creative with the kids and decorate some cookies, take them outside and go sledding, build an igloo, go ice skating, build a snowman, make a snow fort, take them out for a scavenger hunt, or make a few tunnels in the snow banks. If you are not going anywhere for the holidays why not get paid in the process. Volunteer to pick up a shift or two from coworkers at work with there being an understanding that they will owe you one when you need it.

Hold your own holiday get together with singles in your social circle to get you through your holiday debacle. Schedule a few "team activities" at your party that involve coed teams, such as darts, board games, or my favorite Twister. If holding a singles holiday party makes you feel uncomfortable throw a party for your department at the office. In either case invite others to you so you are not so focused on finding others to spend time with on the holidays. Making the preparations for others to come visit you will assist you in feeling less desperate in seeking out others to avoid being alone on the holidays. Some individuals are not able to reach out to others for fear of rejection and holding your own party provides a remedy for your isolation and fears of inviting yourself to friends or family.

Stay busy by starting or finishing some projects around the house that you have been putting off due to lack of time. Clean a closet, organize a few shelves, or attempt to clean the basement at your home. Take the time during the holidays to learn a few guitar chords, martial arts, or begin learning a few new habits that you have always wanted to try. If none of the above apply to you consider making your apartment or home looking like a department store as you focus your energy on creatively decorating your place for the holidays.

Most of all, remember that the holidays are all about the spirit of giving and you are not required to do anything. You may have supportive friends and family but sometimes it is just best to give yourself time alone for a while during holidays. Let others enjoy the holidays in their own special way but do not force yourself to be something you are not. I have never really liked chameleons; do not pretend to be Jolly Old Saint Nick just because everyone else appears to be festive. Do not cave to the expectations of the media, the constant barrage of happy couples depicted everywhere, and allow these messages to make you feel poorly about yourself. Happiness usually begins with yourself and you can still be happy and single during the holidays. Lean on those that have been special in your life and let them know what their friendship or relationship has meant to you. The holidays are a great time to begin searching for that person that will make the next year really special. I met my wife on New Year's Day at a location I had almost decided not to attend because I was still very busy basking in the suffering from an ex-girlfriend. Had I chosen not to meet my wife that evening my life would be vacant in so many ways had I followed through and declined the invitation that year. If a chance occurrence like this can happen for me, it can certainly happen to you.


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Beginning An Affair

When most individuals think about affairs they usually envision some sort of Hollywood stereotype where a lust driven male is overwhelmed in his weakness for women that he succumbs to a beautiful scantily clad woman that is way out of his league. In the throes of a passionate one night stand involving incredible sex, little emotional connection and even less analytical thinking our sexually charged couple tears each other's clothes off in an animalistic feeding frenzy pinning each other to the wall vertically barely able to take a breath as a result of being engulfed in white hot eroticism. Reality is much different than the images conjured up in our minds and even further away from anything Hollywood has to offer. Affairs seldom just happen and most individuals who engage in an affair knew their affair partner quite well before taking the affair plunge. Affairs frequently begin as friendships with poor boundaries. Coworkers, colleagues, friends and other platonic relationships of the opposite sex are not intended for affairs but a few lunch breaks together, exchange of e-mails and a comfort begins. Once a comfort is built a person with poor personal boundaries is often compelled to share information about their life and if the boundaries are limited emotional information is exchanged. Exchange of emotional information is the blue print for affair development. Affairs often begin because individuals are unhappy in their primary relationship. One or both partners in the relationship have unmet needs or want something more from the primary relationship. This need may have been communicated, ignored completely or not taken seriously from the partners in the relationship. The longer the need is unmet or disregarded an emotional distance begins to develop and resentment begins to roll through the mind of an unhappy partner. Once resentment begins to fester individuals begin to start the justification process in their minds believing that they are entitled to be happy or that my partner is not meeting my needs. The now straying partner begins to believe they deserve someone who understands them and will communicate their needs better to them. They begin to notice how everyone else is happier than they are and it does not seem to be fair in their eyes. What is happening is the door towards an affair taking place is beginning to slowly creak open. It is a thunderous wakeup call that something in the relationship needs immediate repair and communication needs to be implemented immediately to their partner in the primary relationship. In many instances, resentment has pitched a tent in the ego of the straying partner rendering more attempts at communication unlikely. When communication is not attempted the straying partner begins to look for an individual that can meet their needs. This person is often a person they straying partner has access to such as a work colleague, personal friend or casual acquaintances they are aware of. Chance conversations in which minor levels of approval, acceptance and agreement are exchanged begin to feel like gateway drugs to euphoria. This simulating conversation often impedes the difficult communication processes occurring with the primary partner and the now wandering partner begins to refuse most efforts of communication with the primary partner. Instead of communicating their wants and needs of the primary relationship the wandering partner returns towards the individual that is meeting their current needs. Like a lost puppy returning home to its owner for a pat on the head the wandering partner returns to the person that is communicating with them , validating them , praising them, making them feel special and appreciated. The partner feels accepted and complete with this other person and begins to think about them more than they should. The wandering partner begins to wonder what a relationship would be like with this friend. These thoughts and feelings accelerate. The wandering partner is curious when they can get together and talk again with their friend who is so easy to talk to. As communication between the wandering partner and friend increase the wandering partner begins to hide text messages, e-mails, and phone logs. In time the wandering partner begins to flirt a bit, they become very complimentary, discuss how easy it is to talk to each other. The relationship between the wandering partner and the friend begins to become an emotional affair until one of them makes the stupid mistake of expressing their feelings for the other. Once feelings are mentioned or an interest past friendship is discussed the affair often blasts off like a rocket igniting off the launch pad. Soon after the delusion of love appears, as does feelings of finally finding their soul mate and thoughts of running away together start entering the minds of the affair partners. The two individuals often find that they are almost addicted to each other and the sex involved in affairs is often exhilarating as a result of its forbidden nature and connectedness that the wandering partner believes they have found in the affair partner. Most needs that occur in affairs are emotional not sexual. Sex is the end result after a wandering partner begins to find an individual that fulfills their missing need. This need is often the result of listening, presenting empathy and understanding from an individual willing to communicate and be one hundred percent attentive. It is feeling validated by the affair partner, feeling that a partner's opinion matter that a partner is being listened to and respected. When it gets down to the root of the problem the wandering partner is running away from it is about communicating all the needs in the relationship and actively listening. Many partners in relationships believe they are listening but what they are missing is an empathetic viewpoint from their partner. As much as you may believe that you are listening to your partner it makes no difference if your partner perceives your listening as condescension, ignorance or insulting. If your partner's belief is that you are not an effective communicator no matter what you are actually doing, you are not an effective communicator. To avoid beginning an affair or engaging in an affair learn to conclusively communicate. If your partner is angry and you feel tension in the relationship discuss it without blaming, accusing or rationalizing your perception. Leave all communication about your relationship and your partner with your relationship partner and close same sex friends and family. If you talk about your relationship at work do not discuss the relationship or your partner negatively. If you find yourself attracted to individuals at work do not allow yourself to be alone with this individual or be around them while drinking alcohol. Discuss ways that you and your partner can improve your relationship, where the weaknesses are, discuss relationship boundaries and ways to avoid infidelity in your relationship. The main culprit in most relationships is not communicating maturely or effectively in relationships. If you find yourself not being understood by your partner seek counseling before seeking an affair partner.

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Affair Withdrawal

Affairs seem like a great idea in the beginning when there are no emotional attachments, when all parties involved have yet to be hurt or when that long awaited need is first satiated by the affair partner. As the lies begin to unfold and the wandering partner becomes creative in their deception little do they understand it is they who are being deceived. Affairs begin to take on a life of their own and become compulsive in nature for the wandering partner. Wandering partners in affairs are like pyromaniacs who "just want to play with matches". Before the wandering partner realizes it the affair partner is all they can think about. The wandering partner begins to think about ways to get away from their betrayed partner, which excuses they can utilize next to see their affair partner and what kind of mind blowing experience will be shared next with the affair partner. Once the wandering partner has reached this state it really does not matter if they are married, have families or have a n excellent job everything becomes secondary to the affair partner. The affair partner becomes addictive and like those struggling with addictions the wandering partner begins to change their behaviors, their personality often changes, along with emotional and psychological differences that become noticeable by others. Soon the wandering partner is making observable mistakes and soon after these errors lead to the discovery of the affair. . After the affair is discovered the wandering partner usually vows to end the affair and return to their primary partner if the betrayed partner allows it. The wandering partner confesses that they have seen the errors of their ways and wants to work on the primary relationship. Once the affair is discovered the affair is often immediately terminated without any closure if the wandering partner chooses to stay with the betrayed partner. However, the positive feelings and associations tied to the affair partner in the mind of the wandering partner are difficult to quit cold turkey. Wandering partners are often mesmerized by their affair partner and have a painful time letting go after the affair. Like a junkie looking for their next fix the affair partner leaves an emotional and psychological craving that the wandering partner desires. The sex that takes place in an affair is stereotypically and sociologically frowned upon and viewed as immoral which results in feeling that the sex in the affair was extraordinarily amazing. The wandering partner often believes that they have a special connection both sexually and emotionally to the affair partner leading to difficulties facing the end of the affair. In the mind of the wandering partner the affair partner filled a void that was missing in themselves and their relationship with their primary partner. For much of the affair the wandering partner found feelings that were missing for possibly years such as euphoria, elation and even a generally optimistic outlook on life. The wandering partner begins to believe they were better suited for the affair partner than their primary partner. Once the affair partner is removed the wandering partner often sinks into affair withdrawal. These feelings are the result of no longer having the affair partner around and the wandering partner begins experiencing the stages of grief resulting from the loss of their affair partner. The wandering partner is often angry, irritable, experiencing mood swings along with depression and anxiety. As the wandering partner addresses the loss of the affair partner the wandering partner will also have to address the issues of guilt, shame and blaming themselves for the affair relationship with the betrayed partner. These feelings of affair withdrawal can last for weeks or months depending on how the wandering partner disconnects from the affair partner. A betrayed partner that assists in the process of affair withdrawal by allowing some empathy in the grieving process can greatly reduce the affair withdrawal process. If the wandering partner continues contact with the affair partner the withdrawal process will take much longer or will be completely useless due to the wandering partner not removing themselves from the affair relationship. Sustaining contact with the affair partner restarts the entire process of facing withdrawal, healing, and moving forward all over again. Agreeing to contact the affair partner is like a male black widow entering the web of the female black widow. They feel compelled to enter, biologically and psychologically but they know in the end the result will not be positive. Any contact that is initiated with the affair partner after discovery will most likely be negative and make the wandering partner feel worse so just fight the temptation to contact the affair partner. Affair withdrawal is a difficult experience so it is best advised to complete it correctly the first time by not initiating any contact with the affair partner. All addictions whether chemical, emotional, or psychological are best addressed by abstaining from that which you are attempting to recover from. Withdrawing from an affair partner is no different. By entering affair rehab with a committed attitude and partner you can manage the symptoms of affair withdrawal. This is accomplished by avoiding the affair partner at all costs, work on yourself and your relationship with your partner while filling the void left behind by the affair partner. After enough time has passed the withdrawal from the affair partner will decrease allowing the primary relationship to apply the emotional energy of the relationship on healing the relationship as couple. When this starts to occur the wandering partner suddenly notices the fallacy of their affair, the affair partner and the pain they inflicted on those around them. The wandering partner begins to resent the affair partner and often begins realizing the trauma they have inflicted on those around them. As long as you stick to a no contact approach, make an effort to remove the affair partner from your thoughts, engage the primary partner in recovery and appropriately communicating during the withdrawal process a wandering partner can clear the fog of the affair.