Discovering
an affair leaves a betrayed spouse or partner with intense feelings of trauma,
destroys the self-esteem and leaves a person lost in what is the next step.
When I discovered my girlfriend stepping out on our relationship after five
years I felt like I did everything wrong and wished I was able to access the
resources to aid in recovery that are available today. A concept that I have
become very familiar with is the concept of 180. The concept of 180 was
introduced by Michelle Wiener Davis, author of Divorce Busting. I have seen this concept tried and promoted on
several infidelity recovery websites by those victimized by infidelity. These
concepts seem to really assist those struggling with any direction after the
grief and anger following an affair is discovered.
These
strategies are beneficial for those struggling with a partner who continues to
engage in an affair after being discovered or with a partner who is stuck in
affair fog and claims to be unsure of whether they want to reconcile the long
term relationship. I liken these strategies to the fake it until you make strategies
but with clear concise behaviors to implement. The 180 strategies empower the
betrayed partner and give the wandering partner the appearance that the
betrayed partner is going to wait around for the wandering partner to make a
decision on what they want in a long term relationship and that the betrayed
partner may have some decisions to make regarding the relationship as well. The
180 strategies allow a betrayed partner to detach from the emotionally distraught
situation versus clutching the leg of a wandering partner begging them to
please stay and choose them over the affair partner.
Another
serendipitous result of 180 is the betrayed partner begins to focus on themselves
and not allowing the affair or the wandering partner to control the life of the
betrayed partner. Frequent fighting and inability to control emotions after
discovering an affair make any serious work regarding reconciliation difficult.
Affairs often turn the betrayed partners into codependent individuals that
cater to the needs of the wandering partner in an attempt to win them back by
being nice or giving in to the wandering partner’s wishes. The detachment
through 180 allows the betrayed partner time and space with themselves to think
clearly about the fallout of the affair versus the manipulation and blame
shifting that often accompanies an affairs from a wandering partner. The 180
concepts assist the betrayed partner in protecting themselves when their
instincts are insisting that they react, to explode with anger, to reason with
the wandering partner and lash out at the culprits in the affair. The 180
brings focus and strength through a well planned guideline to assist a
struggling betrayed partner.
The 180 Strategies
1. Don’t pursue reason,
chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone
calls.
3. Don’t point out
“good points” in marriage.
4. Don’t follow
her/him around the house.
5. Don’t encourage or
initiate discussion about the future.
6. Don’t ask for help
from the family members of your wandering partner.
7. Don’t ask for
reassurances.
8. Don’t buy or give
gifts.
9. Don’t schedule dates
together.
10. Don’t keep saying,
“I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this
particular moment, not very loveable.
11. Do more than act as
if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
12. Be cheerful, strong,
outgoing and independent.
13. Don’t sit around
waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old
hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
14. When home with your
spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!
15.
If
you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
Seem totally uninterested.
16. Your partner needs
to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)”
are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of
your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!
17. Don’t be nasty,
angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so
available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important,
he/she will notice that you’re missing.
18. No matter what
you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment.
Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody,
needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the
knowledge that they have value.
19. All questions
about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk
about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
20. Do not allow
yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER.
No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only
thing you can control. YOURSELF!
21. Don’t be overly
enthusiastic.
22. Do not argue when
they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In
fact, refuse to argue at all!
23. Be patient and
learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to
you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen
some more!
24. Learn to back off,
keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what
the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not
saying anything.
25. Take care of
you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your
life that are not in turmoil.
26. Be strong, confident
and learn to speak softly.
27. Know that if you can
do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more
than any words you can say or write.
28. Do not be openly
desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling
totally desperate and needy.
29. Do not focus on
yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you!
More to the point, at present they just don’t care.
30. Do not believe any
of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse
will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones
imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid.
Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will
say anything they can to justify their behavior.
31. Do not give up no
matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”
32. Do not
backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the
consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
33. When expressing
your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be
judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your
dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing
you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a
much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you
are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will
burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can
always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner.
I cannot stress enough how I wished I
knew these strategies when I was going through my situation involving my
cheating girlfriend. I was not confident in what I was doing after discovery of
her infidelity and I was placing the focus on everyone but myself. The 180 is
intended to give the betrayed partner a game plan for yourself. The 180
prepares you with appropriate boundaries, rules and expectations. The wandering
partner may or may not adapt or notice the changes in a betrayed partner using
the 180. Often the wandering partner responds quite quickly to the change in
attitude of the betrayed partner. It is important to stick to these concepts
even if you notice the wandering partner acquiescing to the changes. The 180 is
a tool to assist the betrayed partner not to change and convince a wandering
partner to willingly come back. The 180 has little to do with the wandering
partner but about self empowerment.
The
goal of those who use 180 would likely be reunification but in the process is
to improve the attitude and behaviors of the betrayed partner, to become
happier, promote hope that they will get through the ugly process that results
from an affair and reduce the feelings of desperation. This is about you not
the wandering partner.