A couple that decides to reconcile after an affair or infidelity must be willing to have clear expectations for both partners. Even though only one partner may have cheated it is still a dual process for both partners if they ever hope to reach reconciliation together. It is very important that all the roles are laid out, ground rules for partners are expressed and clearly verbalize what it is that the reconciling couple is working towards. I have written a few common expectations of couples after an affair has been discovered.
- Comparing the affair to the primary relationship is the road to reconnecting to affair partner. Avoid this if at all possible.
- Make sure the affair is completely terminated.
- Have an idea of exactly how much you are willing to tolerate in emotional let downs or failure to live up expectations discussed.
- Reconciliation is for both partners not just the cheater. The betrayed partner does not get any preferential treatment because they were cheated on.
- Both partners are to have clearly laid out expectations; not just the wandering partner.
- Be completely open and honest about all aspects of the affair and the feelings of betrayal from the affair
- Cheater must display the ability to earn their way back into relationship
- Seek relationship counseling and possibly individual counseling
- The betrayed partner needs time to understand the decision they wish to make regarding relationship. Do not push them to make a decision before they are ready.
- Cheater must display accountability for cheating and should not attempt to blame anyone else for their behavior. Explain the affair versus making excuses
- Rebuilding trust will take time so both partners must remain patient
- Problem solve the relationship issues logically versus using your heart or emotions at the moment. The correct decision is not always the easiest.
- Write down the expectations together so when things become difficult they will help you stay focused
- The cheaters privacy is gone and should allow all access to all areas normally associated with hiding an affair (e-mails, cell phones, etc.)
- Do not allow your relationship to be defined by the infidelity. Attempt to move forward as a couple if that is your goal.
- Make a decision on what you wish to do as a couple and stick to it. No half-hearted attempts or bouncing back and forth between decisions.
- Communicate the root causes of the affair. No blaming the other partner.
- Discuss the manner in which you can earn back trust again
- After discussing the affair and attempting to move forward stop bringing up the affair.
- Focus on the present with your relationship
- Do not tolerate rationalization or excuses for cheaters behaviors
- Keep an open and honest dialogue and assist partner in any way you can for them to get closure from the affair
Once cheating has entered a relationship it is very difficult to rebuild trust. The process of reconciling and forgiveness often takes years to fully recover what was lost as a result of infidelity. Having a few expectations laid out for each other can aid in the process of healing if both couples work diligently towards reconciling. The pathway to recovering from an affair begins with open and honest communication. If you cannot communicate effectively on your own I believe having a professional assist in the process is imperative.
