Should you decide to reconcile after being cheated on one of the more laborious facets to work through is regaining intimacy with a wandering partner. I was so angry with my girlfriend when I caught her cheating that I really could not even stand to look at her much less contemplate sharing any moments of real intimacy with her. Every time I saw her all I could think about was my girlfriend and her affair partner in my mind. The problem I had was that my girlfriend expected me to just snap back into the relationship and pretended that nothing happened while we attempted reconciliation. I was supposed to ignore that she took something that was special between us and shared it with someone outside our relationship. When I rejected her advances of intimacy and communicated my feelings regarding how I felt our intimate moments were currently corrupted from my viewpoint, she suddenly turned into a spoiled little child having its favorite toy removed. Many cheaters often have little empathy for what they damage in the primary relationship and they often expect a different timeline from which the betrayed partner is to recover involving the reciprocation of intimacy. During reconciliation, intimacy takes a lot of time and should not be forced by the motives of the wandering partner. I have seen several different outcomes in trying to reconcile intimacy in the relationship. Some people become overly intimate attempting to hold on to the relationship and their partner through sexual intimacy that often mimics make up sex. They believe if they are having sex with the wandering partner the relationship is in the restoration reconciliation phase. Most often the return of intimacy to the relationship takes time. The return of intimacy will have ups and downs paralleling a rollercoaster with large peaks at times with equally large valleys at other times. A betrayed partner will believe they are ready for intimacy in their relationship again only to have a few triggers from the affair surface and set back the entire process for a while. What is important is that the betrayed partner communicate these setbacks and others feelings resulting from the affair with the wandering partner. Communication that is open and honest will be the driving force towards reconciliation when there are setbacks in intimacy and other areas of the relationship. It is very important that the wandering partner becomes supportive during the setbacks through communication and work at restoring the bond in the relationship. If you feel your partner is not holding their end in the reconciliation process verbalize it to them. Do not allow the relationship to just move ahead if you feel your partner is not doing the necessary work during the reconciliation process. Forced or unfinished reconciliation will lead to resentment in the future which almost always displays the same patterns of behaviors that occurred before attempted reconciliation. A remorseful wandering partner willing to take responsibility for their actions and the hurt inflicted onto the relationship makes such a huge difference in reconciliation. The return of intimacy can be a very frustrating process which is why couples counseling should be utilized in the reconciliation process. The wandering partner may have difficulty realizing the severity of the agony they have inflicted on their partner and the large cavernous hole they have placed in their betrayed partner's heart. The distance between two people in a relationship after an affair is immense and this is when the relationship is the most vulnerable. If reconciliation is chosen for the relationship the wandering partner must be very patient, be the harder worker in repairing of the relationship and do everything possible in attempting to repair trust. The pain and suffering will lessen as time goes by. Part of you will continue to reflect back on the affair on occasion when triggered whether you completely reconcile or not. The injury, suffering, heartache and experience from the affair does not leave you should the relationship end with the wandering partner. In every relationship I have had since being cheated on I have had moments of complication as a direct result of my girlfriends cheating me. Healing from an affair is a process that takes time. The anger you are likely feeling now will turn to sadness and then feelings of love, respect and trust do return making reconciliation possible if both individuals in the relationship work diligently at it.Photo courtesy of
