Beginning An Affair

When most individuals think about affairs they usually envision some sort of Hollywood stereotype where a lust driven male is overwhelmed in his weakness for women that he succumbs to a beautiful scantily clad woman that is way out of his league. In the throes of a passionate one night stand involving incredible sex, little emotional connection and even less analytical thinking our sexually charged couple tears each other's clothes off in an animalistic feeding frenzy pinning each other to the wall vertically barely able to take a breath as a result of being engulfed in white hot eroticism. Reality is much different than the images conjured up in our minds and even further away from anything Hollywood has to offer. Affairs seldom just happen and most individuals who engage in an affair knew their affair partner quite well before taking the affair plunge. Affairs frequently begin as friendships with poor boundaries. Coworkers, colleagues, friends and other platonic relationships of the opposite sex are not intended for affairs but a few lunch breaks together, exchange of e-mails and a comfort begins. Once a comfort is built a person with poor personal boundaries is often compelled to share information about their life and if the boundaries are limited emotional information is exchanged. Exchange of emotional information is the blue print for affair development. Affairs often begin because individuals are unhappy in their primary relationship. One or both partners in the relationship have unmet needs or want something more from the primary relationship. This need may have been communicated, ignored completely or not taken seriously from the partners in the relationship. The longer the need is unmet or disregarded an emotional distance begins to develop and resentment begins to roll through the mind of an unhappy partner. Once resentment begins to fester individuals begin to start the justification process in their minds believing that they are entitled to be happy or that my partner is not meeting my needs. The now straying partner begins to believe they deserve someone who understands them and will communicate their needs better to them. They begin to notice how everyone else is happier than they are and it does not seem to be fair in their eyes. What is happening is the door towards an affair taking place is beginning to slowly creak open. It is a thunderous wakeup call that something in the relationship needs immediate repair and communication needs to be implemented immediately to their partner in the primary relationship. In many instances, resentment has pitched a tent in the ego of the straying partner rendering more attempts at communication unlikely. When communication is not attempted the straying partner begins to look for an individual that can meet their needs. This person is often a person they straying partner has access to such as a work colleague, personal friend or casual acquaintances they are aware of. Chance conversations in which minor levels of approval, acceptance and agreement are exchanged begin to feel like gateway drugs to euphoria. This simulating conversation often impedes the difficult communication processes occurring with the primary partner and the now wandering partner begins to refuse most efforts of communication with the primary partner. Instead of communicating their wants and needs of the primary relationship the wandering partner returns towards the individual that is meeting their current needs. Like a lost puppy returning home to its owner for a pat on the head the wandering partner returns to the person that is communicating with them , validating them , praising them, making them feel special and appreciated. The partner feels accepted and complete with this other person and begins to think about them more than they should. The wandering partner begins to wonder what a relationship would be like with this friend. These thoughts and feelings accelerate. The wandering partner is curious when they can get together and talk again with their friend who is so easy to talk to. As communication between the wandering partner and friend increase the wandering partner begins to hide text messages, e-mails, and phone logs. In time the wandering partner begins to flirt a bit, they become very complimentary, discuss how easy it is to talk to each other. The relationship between the wandering partner and the friend begins to become an emotional affair until one of them makes the stupid mistake of expressing their feelings for the other. Once feelings are mentioned or an interest past friendship is discussed the affair often blasts off like a rocket igniting off the launch pad. Soon after the delusion of love appears, as does feelings of finally finding their soul mate and thoughts of running away together start entering the minds of the affair partners. The two individuals often find that they are almost addicted to each other and the sex involved in affairs is often exhilarating as a result of its forbidden nature and connectedness that the wandering partner believes they have found in the affair partner. Most needs that occur in affairs are emotional not sexual. Sex is the end result after a wandering partner begins to find an individual that fulfills their missing need. This need is often the result of listening, presenting empathy and understanding from an individual willing to communicate and be one hundred percent attentive. It is feeling validated by the affair partner, feeling that a partner's opinion matter that a partner is being listened to and respected. When it gets down to the root of the problem the wandering partner is running away from it is about communicating all the needs in the relationship and actively listening. Many partners in relationships believe they are listening but what they are missing is an empathetic viewpoint from their partner. As much as you may believe that you are listening to your partner it makes no difference if your partner perceives your listening as condescension, ignorance or insulting. If your partner's belief is that you are not an effective communicator no matter what you are actually doing, you are not an effective communicator. To avoid beginning an affair or engaging in an affair learn to conclusively communicate. If your partner is angry and you feel tension in the relationship discuss it without blaming, accusing or rationalizing your perception. Leave all communication about your relationship and your partner with your relationship partner and close same sex friends and family. If you talk about your relationship at work do not discuss the relationship or your partner negatively. If you find yourself attracted to individuals at work do not allow yourself to be alone with this individual or be around them while drinking alcohol. Discuss ways that you and your partner can improve your relationship, where the weaknesses are, discuss relationship boundaries and ways to avoid infidelity in your relationship. The main culprit in most relationships is not communicating maturely or effectively in relationships. If you find yourself not being understood by your partner seek counseling before seeking an affair partner.

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Unforeseen Consequences Of Affairs

Cheaters are very selfish people unable to see beyond their latest poor choice. Long term relationships, marriages and other romantic relationships are at times difficult and have their problems. The problem is that individuals that make the decision to cheat because they are currently unhappy frequently fail to understand the long term consequences for themselves or those around them. The level of delaying gratification of a cheater rivals that of a three year old presented with the choice of an ice-cream cone now or later; I want what I want now with some self-induced rationalization for beginning the affair along the way. Affairs cause a lot of anxiety to keep them going. If the stress and anxiety from an affair could be harnessed to create power around the planet, the world could shut down every nuclear power plant, oil refinery and other power plant and we could begin powering the rest of the solar system as well. A person engaging in an affair must always be wearing about being caught in their affair. An affair is a life of always looking over your shoulder wondering when it will be discovered. An affair leaves clues in many areas and a cheater has to be on the lookout for evidence that they may have left behind. Did I erase all my text messages, shut my phone down so I could not be contacted at home, and leave any indication of an affair with receipts that my primary partner might see? What if I end up having a child as a result of an affair? What if I bump into someone who knows I am married when out with the affair partner? All of these ideas begin to provoke stress and anxiety on the wandering partner and the face of the wandering partner begins to show it in time. An affair is expensive and can cost a lot of money. Wandering partners often have to spring for hotel rooms, lavish dinners dates and if the wandering partner is attempting to impress the affair partner with jewelry or other expensive gifts the price can appreciate even more to carry out the affair. Wandering female partners often begin changing their dress style, purchasing expensive lingerie and other personal products to impress their partner. As time passes and the affair continues the affair just feels wrong. It's like walking past The Salvation Army Bell Ringer at Christmas and not dropping any money in their bucket as you spend extra money on junk food you did not need. Your primary partner may have no idea an affair is taking place and they do something wonderful for you and this just feels wrong knowing you are bending your affair partner in positions that make a contortionist envious. The guilt associated with an affair begins to make you hate yourself and wish you could take it all back. To rectify these feelings the cheater is experiencing they often begin bringing home gifts to counteract their guilt. Affairs can have alarming physical consequences. One in three individuals has a sexually transmitted infection or disease. It is not out of the realm of possibilities for a cheater to not only catch a sexually transmitted disease but also infect their primary partner. If the stress of these situations does not make a cheater reconsider having an affair they only need to wait until the affair surfaces. Once an affair become known to the primary partner guilt and shame increase exponentially. Every rotten thing that a cheater ever did in their life will feel like a therapeutic massage compared to the personal beating when the betrayed partner finds out about the wandering partner's affair. Once the affair is discovered the betrayed partner's emotional collapse breaks even the most hardened selfish individual. As some of the cheaters begin to dodge vases, personal items and almost anything a betrayed partner can get their hands on the anger turns to exhaustive grief. The thunderous mourning and weeping of a betrayed partner with accompanied hyperventilating makes most cheaters question which sailing helium balloon their soul was attached to when they considered entering an affair. As the sounds of sorrow subside you look at your partner and witness the deepening redness around their sunken eyes as a result of crying all the time. The betrayed partner is pushing out sawdust from their eyes because all their tears have been expelled and the wandering partner can only watch helplessly for inflicting such trauma on a person they professed to love. The betrayed partner is a tortured victim suffering from sleep deprivation, many times weight loss, depression and appears to geometrically age as a result of the inflicted affair. When the cheater attempts to escape these visions in a barricaded room turning towards escape as their partner suffers, they hear faint moans and echoes of agony from their betrayed partner as if they resided in a room next to a torture chamber. As the cheater steps out of the safety of their home friends, family, and others see only a cheater, a soulless individual whose only concerns was themselves and suddenly the affair has defined the wandering partner no matter what acts of heroism or generosity they have bestowed upon the community and others before the affair. Those connected to the betrayed partner hate the wandering partner for what they have done to the betrayed partner. The betrayed partner only wants to know why and frequently the wandering partner has no logical reasons just excuses. If the wandering partner has children the look of disappointment, shame and grief on their faces only add to the guilt. The children are often embarrassed of the wandering partner and side with the betrayed partner. The wandering partner often tip-toes through the home for quite some time to the tune of slammed doors, deadly stares across hall ways and the immediate sounds of dead air crickets if they happen to enter the same room as a family member. The wandering partner's children begin behaviorally acting out away from the home. As the wandering partner addresses the fact that they destroyed their family, and many other relationships around them they hope to attempt recovery but for most relationships cheating is a deal breaker. The wandering partner has lost family, perhaps some friends, maybe even their job as a result of internal selfishness. If reconciliation in the primary relationship is attempted the affair partner is not too happy about being dropped immediately out of the blue without any real closure. Affair partners often do not like losing this relationship and attempt further contact with the wandering partner by phone, e-mail, even work. Affair partners can be difficult to get rid of and their presence only makes the betrayed partner that much more upset and second guessing their choice to reconcile. By the time the affair and recovery have been completed years have gone by and the wandering partner is known as liar and cheat who hurt everyone around themselves out of selfishness. Affairs cause so much destruction to those around the wandering partner that even later adultery rears its ugly head through the children who were exposed to a family members cheating becoming cheaters themselves. Wandering partner's seldom consider what the final outcome will be when they begin an affair. It is a mentality of what have you done for me lately and are driven to be satisfied by others outside of their primary relationship when they are unhappy. Only in the end does the wandering partner see the errors in their ways and by then they have often destroyed families, friends, close contacts and even work relationships in the name of narcissism. A message from the betrayed partner; are you happy now? Was the affair worth it?

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