Be careful about stating you forgive a cheater too early. Give yourself time and work at reconciliation if you choose to.

The Mind of a Cheater

Every so often someone who has been affected by infidelity asks me what are cheaters thinking when they cheat? No matter how smart people think they are more times than not most affairs will be discovered and the impending fallout from such an event will occur. I compare the mind of a cheater to that of an alcoholic or a person with addiction issues. The cheaters mind is seldom thinking about addressing the consequences of their actions and is often fixated with the high that accompanies an affair. As a result the cheater cares little of how they are hurting themselves, their families or other people. A cheater is a person who is only interested in getting what they want and cares very little about who the hurt when it comes to getting what they want. Cheating is a picture of self-absorption and narcissism at its finest. The cheater often makes excuses for the affair justifying the actions they are currently displaying. Cheaters often live in a reality of their own called affair fog where they have serious breaks from what their lives are or were since engaging in an affair. As an affair takes place cheaters weave a web of lies, deceit and meander a river of deception in such a manner that they themselves begin to believe their own falsehoods. As the affair begins to peak the cheater selectively interprets the wondrous aspects of the affair and the affair partner. At the same time the cheater paints a portrait of torment they had to endure in the long term relationship partner. As the cheater attempts to reconcile these two dualities there is little wonder why cheaters completely abandon long term partners emotionally and physically while gazing longingly at the affair partner on their perceived pedestals.

 

In short, the mind of a cheater is one of complete narcissism, selfishness and self protection that they must begin to fabricate the reality of their marriages or relationships to meet and rationalize the current utopia of the affair. To make sense of a current affair the cheater must blur the lines of reality to sell their behavior to family, friends and others in their social circle. To rationalize their behavior of infidelity, the cheater usually fabricates the relationship of the long term spouse or partner believing that the relationship was flawed; they were persecuted, being held back by an overbearing partner and anointing themselves to near sainthood status for even staying in the relationship. The cheaters mind becomes more of a substitute alibi to their behavior filled with justifications and excuse explanations in order to come to terms with their negative behaviors they have caused others and often themselves. Their mind deletes the actual history of their past relationships and recreates a version that is filled with despotism, cruelty and hardships no one person should have to endure. This is usually the result of a very skewed viewpoint. After justifying this relationship the cheater begins assigning negative attributes to the long term partner. The failures of the relationship are overemphasized; things that bothered the cheater are ascribed as intolerable and even behaviors that never existed are assigned to the cheaters long term partner. In the mind of the cheater it was only until the cheater found their affair partner that they realized how poorly they were being treated. Any attempts by family, friends, and long term partners to discuss the frailty of their thinking are met with opposition, irritation and thoughts of being bullied by those around them by infringing on their current happiness. 

 

The cheater will try to rally their social circle to attempt to get others to see the errors of their long term partner, to accept his or her excuses for cheating and gain approval of the affair partner and the cheaters behavior. All of these excuses, blaming and justification are an introspection of guilt that the cheater is attempting to resolve. Few individuals are able to look inward and except responsibility early on in an affair and instinctively lambast their long term partners through misconceptions of their own thinking and constitute new unrealistic thought patterns. The attention of the affair partner completely blinds any thoughts of reality or rational thinking. The constant positive reinforcement from the affair partner becomes addictive for the cheater and it becomes near impossible early after the discovery of an affair to rid themselves of the affair partner and the feelings they receive from their affair partner. The cheater begins to form an us versus them attitude between the affair partner, the cheater against the rest of the world. Most thoughts that enter the cheaters mind are selective filtered to form the world view around them in a manner they want to see it.

 

Once a person has decided to engage in an affair it is usually too late in finding reality. Affairs begin in the mind and are filled with positive thoughts, attitudes, and addictive feelings that are purposely filtered to form a preconceived perception that does not actually exist. Once affairs begin their new life is filled with self-absorption, self-centeredness that are chock full of positive affirmations and feelings which are so difficult to turn off. Those that attempt to turn off these feelings or impede them are often met with anger, outrage and self-serving vengeance. Some choose to live in this fantasy at others expense while attempting to have a relationship with more than one individual. We call these people cheaters and they will have their cake and eat too if given the opportunity.

Responding To a Cheating Fiancé

Most individuals view marriage as a serious commitment. The period of time from dating until the wedding day is research material for fiancés and dating partners to determine whether or not the person they are dating is worth a potential lifetime investment. Some people make it through the process to become spouses others are unable to make it into potential lifelong partners and are necessarily discarded. Making a commitment in front of family and friends brings serious expectations of the future. Many of us naively believe that marriage will be easy, wonderful and will last until our very last breath. Some ignore very serious red flags, warning signs and obvious evidence that perhaps they are marrying a person they should not be. Even signs as serious as infidelity are often put aside, forgiven or dealt with in order to traverse the aisles of a planned wedding day but should a betrayed fiancé go ahead with a wedding given a partners cheating?

All too many people play the forgive and forget game to stumble down the aisle with resentment hoping a beautiful wedding day will patch the holes that are left gaping in the trust of their relationship resulting from infidelity. Simply making it to the wedding seldom actually patches the holes left from the betrayal before the wedding day and will not change what has previously occurred. I find that cheaters often remember that they were forgiven years ago and appear to believe the same will happen in subsequent instances when cheating is discovered in the future. A betrayed partner took him back before the better or for worse exchanges what is so different after the vows are exchanged? Cheating fiancés really have no reason to change if they are forgiven and more times than not find themselves unraveled in future cheating situations.

After a marriage has taken place it becomes a bit more difficult to end a relationship. The process of divorce is stressful, embarrassing and full of feelings of failure. Many betrayed individuals look back with the glasses of hindsight wishing they had taken the opportunity to save themselves for a second gouging of infidelity from a cheater before their wedding day and ran from their fiancées. A marriage that begins with a loss of trust really does not have much of a chance to succeed. Difficult situations in marriages bring back the old memories of cheating that really never completely go away. Nights out with friends while you are at home keep a person reflecting and wondering exactly what is taking place on these evening given a cheaters past misdeeds. Instead of hypnotizing yourself with the mantra that the cheater has changed and is different, it makes much more sense to find a person that does not cause such anxiety provoking memories from the past.

It makes much more sense in my opinion to just cut all loses if children are not involved if a person shows their true character before the wedding date. Breaking off an engagement is much less stressful than a divorce, with children and assets. Leaving town for a business trip or family visits are much easier with a person whom you have never known to be unfaithful than a person who has proven they are capable of cheating. It is difficult to look beyond the pain we are currently in at times and individuals fear loneliness, change and starting over that accompany a break up.

Maybe some people are more gifted than me at forgiveness. I honestly found it impossible to forget, I had to learn that I had self respect and collect it again and I am happier because of it. A person that cheats on their fiancée is actually presenting them the gift by cheating before the wedding. It is an opportunity to run from these selfish narcissists and find someone more suitable for you. It is better to find out before a wedding than after with several kids, property, finances, etc. Take the gift of your freedom and invest it in a person worth sharing your goals and expectations. I find that when a person displays who they are to go ahead and believe them, not their meaningless words.