The 180 Strategies

Discovering an affair leaves a betrayed spouse or partner with intense feelings of trauma, destroys the self-esteem and leaves a person lost in what is the next step. When I discovered my girlfriend stepping out on our relationship after five years I felt like I did everything wrong and wished I was able to access the resources to aid in recovery that are available today. A concept that I have become very familiar with is the concept of 180. The concept of 180 was introduced by Michelle Wiener Davis, author of Divorce Busting. I have seen this concept tried and promoted on several infidelity recovery websites by those victimized by infidelity. These concepts seem to really assist those struggling with any direction after the grief and anger following an affair is discovered.

These strategies are beneficial for those struggling with a partner who continues to engage in an affair after being discovered or with a partner who is stuck in affair fog and claims to be unsure of whether they want to reconcile the long term relationship. I liken these strategies to the fake it until you make strategies but with clear concise behaviors to implement. The 180 strategies empower the betrayed partner and give the wandering partner the appearance that the betrayed partner is going to wait around for the wandering partner to make a decision on what they want in a long term relationship and that the betrayed partner may have some decisions to make regarding the relationship as well. The 180 strategies allow a betrayed partner to detach from the emotionally distraught situation versus clutching the leg of a wandering partner begging them to please stay and choose them over the affair partner.

Another serendipitous result of 180 is the betrayed partner begins to focus on themselves and not allowing the affair or the wandering partner to control the life of the betrayed partner. Frequent fighting and inability to control emotions after discovering an affair make any serious work regarding reconciliation difficult. Affairs often turn the betrayed partners into codependent individuals that cater to the needs of the wandering partner in an attempt to win them back by being nice or giving in to the wandering partner’s wishes. The detachment through 180 allows the betrayed partner time and space with themselves to think clearly about the fallout of the affair versus the manipulation and blame shifting that often accompanies an affairs from a wandering partner. The 180 concepts assist the betrayed partner in protecting themselves when their instincts are insisting that they react, to explode with anger, to reason with the wandering partner and lash out at the culprits in the affair. The 180 brings focus and strength through a well planned guideline to assist a struggling betrayed partner.

The 180 Strategies

1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.

4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.

5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wandering partner.

7. Don’t ask for reassurances.

8. Don’t buy or give gifts.

9. Don’t schedule dates together.

10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!

17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back.  Don’t always be so available…for anything!  Your spouse will notice.  More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment.  Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper.  No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER.  No show of temper!  Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control.  YOURSELF!

21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).  In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.  Hear what it is that they are saying!  Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation.  No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you.  Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.  It’s not always about you!  More to the point, at present they just don’t care.

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see.  Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable.  Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid.  Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.  It “ain’t over till it’s over!”

32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent!  It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person.  This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual.  Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life.  Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner.

I cannot stress enough how I wished I knew these strategies when I was going through my situation involving my cheating girlfriend. I was not confident in what I was doing after discovery of her infidelity and I was placing the focus on everyone but myself. The 180 is intended to give the betrayed partner a game plan for yourself. The 180 prepares you with appropriate boundaries, rules and expectations. The wandering partner may or may not adapt or notice the changes in a betrayed partner using the 180. Often the wandering partner responds quite quickly to the change in attitude of the betrayed partner. It is important to stick to these concepts even if you notice the wandering partner acquiescing to the changes. The 180 is a tool to assist the betrayed partner not to change and convince a wandering partner to willingly come back. The 180 has little to do with the wandering partner but about self empowerment.

The goal of those who use 180 would likely be reunification but in the process is to improve the attitude and behaviors of the betrayed partner, to become happier, promote hope that they will get through the ugly process that results from an affair and reduce the feelings of desperation. This is about you not the wandering partner.

Be careful about stating you forgive a cheater too early. Give yourself time and work at reconciliation if you choose to.

The Mind of a Cheater

Every so often someone who has been affected by infidelity asks me what are cheaters thinking when they cheat? No matter how smart people think they are more times than not most affairs will be discovered and the impending fallout from such an event will occur. I compare the mind of a cheater to that of an alcoholic or a person with addiction issues. The cheaters mind is seldom thinking about addressing the consequences of their actions and is often fixated with the high that accompanies an affair. As a result the cheater cares little of how they are hurting themselves, their families or other people. A cheater is a person who is only interested in getting what they want and cares very little about who the hurt when it comes to getting what they want. Cheating is a picture of self-absorption and narcissism at its finest. The cheater often makes excuses for the affair justifying the actions they are currently displaying. Cheaters often live in a reality of their own called affair fog where they have serious breaks from what their lives are or were since engaging in an affair. As an affair takes place cheaters weave a web of lies, deceit and meander a river of deception in such a manner that they themselves begin to believe their own falsehoods. As the affair begins to peak the cheater selectively interprets the wondrous aspects of the affair and the affair partner. At the same time the cheater paints a portrait of torment they had to endure in the long term relationship partner. As the cheater attempts to reconcile these two dualities there is little wonder why cheaters completely abandon long term partners emotionally and physically while gazing longingly at the affair partner on their perceived pedestals.

 

In short, the mind of a cheater is one of complete narcissism, selfishness and self protection that they must begin to fabricate the reality of their marriages or relationships to meet and rationalize the current utopia of the affair. To make sense of a current affair the cheater must blur the lines of reality to sell their behavior to family, friends and others in their social circle. To rationalize their behavior of infidelity, the cheater usually fabricates the relationship of the long term spouse or partner believing that the relationship was flawed; they were persecuted, being held back by an overbearing partner and anointing themselves to near sainthood status for even staying in the relationship. The cheaters mind becomes more of a substitute alibi to their behavior filled with justifications and excuse explanations in order to come to terms with their negative behaviors they have caused others and often themselves. Their mind deletes the actual history of their past relationships and recreates a version that is filled with despotism, cruelty and hardships no one person should have to endure. This is usually the result of a very skewed viewpoint. After justifying this relationship the cheater begins assigning negative attributes to the long term partner. The failures of the relationship are overemphasized; things that bothered the cheater are ascribed as intolerable and even behaviors that never existed are assigned to the cheaters long term partner. In the mind of the cheater it was only until the cheater found their affair partner that they realized how poorly they were being treated. Any attempts by family, friends, and long term partners to discuss the frailty of their thinking are met with opposition, irritation and thoughts of being bullied by those around them by infringing on their current happiness. 

 

The cheater will try to rally their social circle to attempt to get others to see the errors of their long term partner, to accept his or her excuses for cheating and gain approval of the affair partner and the cheaters behavior. All of these excuses, blaming and justification are an introspection of guilt that the cheater is attempting to resolve. Few individuals are able to look inward and except responsibility early on in an affair and instinctively lambast their long term partners through misconceptions of their own thinking and constitute new unrealistic thought patterns. The attention of the affair partner completely blinds any thoughts of reality or rational thinking. The constant positive reinforcement from the affair partner becomes addictive for the cheater and it becomes near impossible early after the discovery of an affair to rid themselves of the affair partner and the feelings they receive from their affair partner. The cheater begins to form an us versus them attitude between the affair partner, the cheater against the rest of the world. Most thoughts that enter the cheaters mind are selective filtered to form the world view around them in a manner they want to see it.

 

Once a person has decided to engage in an affair it is usually too late in finding reality. Affairs begin in the mind and are filled with positive thoughts, attitudes, and addictive feelings that are purposely filtered to form a preconceived perception that does not actually exist. Once affairs begin their new life is filled with self-absorption, self-centeredness that are chock full of positive affirmations and feelings which are so difficult to turn off. Those that attempt to turn off these feelings or impede them are often met with anger, outrage and self-serving vengeance. Some choose to live in this fantasy at others expense while attempting to have a relationship with more than one individual. We call these people cheaters and they will have their cake and eat too if given the opportunity.

Responding To a Cheating Fiancé

Most individuals view marriage as a serious commitment. The period of time from dating until the wedding day is research material for fiancés and dating partners to determine whether or not the person they are dating is worth a potential lifetime investment. Some people make it through the process to become spouses others are unable to make it into potential lifelong partners and are necessarily discarded. Making a commitment in front of family and friends brings serious expectations of the future. Many of us naively believe that marriage will be easy, wonderful and will last until our very last breath. Some ignore very serious red flags, warning signs and obvious evidence that perhaps they are marrying a person they should not be. Even signs as serious as infidelity are often put aside, forgiven or dealt with in order to traverse the aisles of a planned wedding day but should a betrayed fiancé go ahead with a wedding given a partners cheating?

All too many people play the forgive and forget game to stumble down the aisle with resentment hoping a beautiful wedding day will patch the holes that are left gaping in the trust of their relationship resulting from infidelity. Simply making it to the wedding seldom actually patches the holes left from the betrayal before the wedding day and will not change what has previously occurred. I find that cheaters often remember that they were forgiven years ago and appear to believe the same will happen in subsequent instances when cheating is discovered in the future. A betrayed partner took him back before the better or for worse exchanges what is so different after the vows are exchanged? Cheating fiancés really have no reason to change if they are forgiven and more times than not find themselves unraveled in future cheating situations.

After a marriage has taken place it becomes a bit more difficult to end a relationship. The process of divorce is stressful, embarrassing and full of feelings of failure. Many betrayed individuals look back with the glasses of hindsight wishing they had taken the opportunity to save themselves for a second gouging of infidelity from a cheater before their wedding day and ran from their fiancées. A marriage that begins with a loss of trust really does not have much of a chance to succeed. Difficult situations in marriages bring back the old memories of cheating that really never completely go away. Nights out with friends while you are at home keep a person reflecting and wondering exactly what is taking place on these evening given a cheaters past misdeeds. Instead of hypnotizing yourself with the mantra that the cheater has changed and is different, it makes much more sense to find a person that does not cause such anxiety provoking memories from the past.

It makes much more sense in my opinion to just cut all loses if children are not involved if a person shows their true character before the wedding date. Breaking off an engagement is much less stressful than a divorce, with children and assets. Leaving town for a business trip or family visits are much easier with a person whom you have never known to be unfaithful than a person who has proven they are capable of cheating. It is difficult to look beyond the pain we are currently in at times and individuals fear loneliness, change and starting over that accompany a break up.

Maybe some people are more gifted than me at forgiveness. I honestly found it impossible to forget, I had to learn that I had self respect and collect it again and I am happier because of it. A person that cheats on their fiancée is actually presenting them the gift by cheating before the wedding. It is an opportunity to run from these selfish narcissists and find someone more suitable for you. It is better to find out before a wedding than after with several kids, property, finances, etc. Take the gift of your freedom and invest it in a person worth sharing your goals and expectations. I find that when a person displays who they are to go ahead and believe them, not their meaningless words.

Making It Through The Holidays Single

A few years back I can remember that the holidays were a time of increased anxiety for me and feelings of embarrassment when admitting that I was single. While I was single it seemed the minute I ran out of candy for trick-or-treaters on Halloween that some celebrity immediately sprinted to my television screen like a cheetah to perform their holiday infomercial, sporting the brand new jewelry of the holiday season. The commercials that ensued on November first appeared to be crammed with happy couples opening Christmas gifts and exchanging happy moments in typical glamorized Hollywood fashion that not only made me feel inadequate because of being single, but made me feel like I was living below the poverty line as well because of the gargantuan prices that were flashed across the screens portrayed as bargain prices. Holiday shopping days like Black Friday only reminded me that I had no one to shop for outside of my family and I felt like an imperfect person for the audacity of being single during the holiday season. As the holidays approached I made my mandatory appearances at family gatherings and I inevitably managed to sit next to someone who could plan my life better than I could. I always seemed to have nosy family and friends asking me why I was single and advising me where I could meet the next future ex-girlfriend of mine. When I spent time with family I only seemed to be reinforced that I was doing something wrong with my personal life. Family and friends told me how wonderful I was and could not understand how I continue to be single given all the wonderful characteristics I possess. At other holiday gatherings I had relatives playing Chuck Woolery of Love Connection asking me if I was interested in being set up with someone a relative knew I would be perfect for. Then there were the love sick relatives going on their fiftieth anniversary reminding me that I will soon find love as they did as the touched each other's hand and engaged in a passionate kiss right in front of me which looked closer to a poorly constructed attempt at CPR than a loving sign of affection as I slowly spit out my mother's homemade stuffing and her lightly buttered turkey which was one of the few highlights I actually looked forward to at those holiday gatherings. There was a period of time where I would agree to come home for the holidays but just confined myself to my old room as I attempted to hibernate like a grizzly bear hoping to awake several months later after the holiday season had passed. When single during the holiday season I felt like something was wrong with me, like I belonged on The Island of Misfit Toys. I was depressed at a time when everyone around me was filled with joyfulness and delighted with the environment of The Christmas Season. I just wanted a time machine to boost me forward from the fourth Wednesday in November to December 26^th. I just wanted to find some way to avoid all of the holiday pleasantries.

Of course this never happened. I was forced to watch as everyone in my vicinity was happily decorating their homes as the smiles and happiness seemed eternally burned into their faces. Everywhere I drove the front yards of homes were lit up like guiding lights attempting to signal planes overhead from those stranded on a deserted island below. Everyone else was happier than me, and life seemed so unfair to me at that time. Everyone was getting engaged, married, or celebrating their first Christmas together. I looked at everyone with contempt as if I was The Grinch and all those around me were the Who's from Whoville. The holiday season seemed so cruel to me, the single guy.

Being single during the holidays or any other day is not an affliction that a person must shyly acknowledge in the presence of others like we have just been caught in lie. Do not allow the media, friends, family, or even your coworkers to pass judgment, make assumptions, recite homilies about the direction your life is headed or how this will be the year for you to make those great changes that everyone knows that you have the capability to make. If you prefer a more proactive approach I have several suggestions for maintaining your sanity as a single person when everyone else around you appears to be spurting holiday cheer from every single one of their pores, gushing happiness with every blink of their eyes, and every second that goes by you are that much closer to converting to atheism or Jehovah's Witness as an attempt to never celebrate another holiday.

First of all, during the holidays try and find things that will keep your mind off of the fact that you are single or alone. While all those happy couples are French kissing under the mistletoe take this time to think about your plans for your future. This may be a time to start a journal about yourself. My greatest introspections came on "couple's holidays" such as Valentine's Day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas while single. The alone time I suffered through back then really made me think about where I was heading in my personal life, mistakes I was making, how I was underachieving professionally and about the type of people I was routinely dating. Begin by writing about all the positive things you see in yourself and things that you may think you need improvement on. If you are daring begin to give yourself some constructive criticism on your dating habits and scrutinize where you may be making some mistakes. This is not a time to call an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend but look at ways to improve your interactions with others. This is also a time to write your New Year's Resolutions and write late Christmas Cards to friends and family.

Before you decide to embrace the holiday cheer of family and friends take your own designated time to spoil yourself. Give yourself the royal treatment this holiday season and pamper yourself. If you have a little extra money get that haircut that you have been thinking about, try out a new fashion sense and go shopping, or get yourself a personalized spa treatment. If you just want to stay indoors and avoid the pillaging holiday shoppers, stay in and watch a few of your favorite movies, rent a new movie, read a new book, play a video games, etc. but do not sit around at home feeling sorry for yourself. Doing nothing provides your mind the fuel to start the engines of sorrow and pity in your mind. Build yourself a warm crackling fire, sample a few new savory wines you have been thinking of trying, and just relax. Before you go off to bed think about taking a nice warm bath while listening to soft music ( my favorite is The Blue Danube Op. 314 or Four Seasons) or spend some time in a Jacuzzi if you have one. If you want to be silly wrap yourself some presents and put them in a stocking or under the tree for yourself in the morning.
If you do not want to be alone or this the first holiday season you have been alone for a while, contact family and friends and schedule times to meet with them. As you agree to meet with friends and/or family provide some backup plans for yourself to make sure you enjoy yourself. If you are going to be around friends or family an extra few days offer to cook one day for everyone to help yourself remain busy. Try and catch up with old friends you grew up with who live near your family still. Look at local theatres for a new movie you can see alone or with someone you actually want to spend time with, or plan something special with your friends. Try and avoid the amount of time you spend with married couples or friends in long term relationships if it makes you uncomfortable being around those that remind you of your solitude relationship status during the holidays. Plan your exit strategies in advance with an excuse about the demands of work or obligations in your neighborhood if you begin to feel like a unicycle in a room full of bicycles.

This is not the most exciting way to plan the holidays but volunteering will certainly be the most rewarding. There is never a shortage of individuals down on their luck, stricken with medical conditions, or just elderly individuals who routinely spend every day and every holiday alone whom have very little family contacts left in their lives. These individuals view the holiday season as a chronic reminder of their solitude, with little contact from others, feelings of near seclusion, loneliness, with no family or friends to share their life experiences with. Here is your opportunity to truly earn a few points with the karma gods. Contact local food kitchens, homeless shelters, Salvation Army, Goodwill, food banks, churches, and ask if you can assist them during the holiday seasons. Walk through a nursing home and stop by a few individuals rooms and chat with them for a few minutes. It is pretty difficult to volunteer in places that I described previously and not feel much better about yourself on your drive home after volunteering. A female friend and I visited hospitals and nursing homes with our clients who were children diagnosed with severe emotional behavioral disorders during the holidays a few years ago. Even the most hardened children found the experience to be rewarding. Volunteering is also an opportunity for you to expand your social connections and to come in contact with some very wonderful people in the process of volunteering. Along with volunteering, make yourself available for other that you know are in need of assistance during the holidays. Check in with the neighbor down the street who is seldom seen or heard of. Make a stop by their residence and just sit down with them for an hour over the holidays. Be sure to notice the smiles from others you spent time with that are in a much worse predicament than you, as they show their appreciation of your presence.
Whether you believe it or not you are not the only single person in the world during this holiday season. There are single events that are planned for people just like yourself for the holidays. Look in your daily shopping guide, newspaper, postings at grocery stores, churches, local taverns or even social websites for locations for singles gatherings. Let friends know that you are open to being set up with others that are single near the holiday seasons if you are open to this. Make an effort to converse with strangers you normally would ignore, make an extra effort to smile at others that you do not know as you walk past them, and accept social invitations that you normally would pass on. Being single during the holidays does not mean you live a life of isolation or making preparations to quarantine yourself from the outside world. You never know where and when you may meet someone that is right for you and it might happen over the holidays at some random social engagement.

If you know that you are not going to do anything exciting for your holidays offer to help other friends or family out by offering to watch their little crumb crunchers so your friends or family can have some alone time with their significant others. Be creative with the kids and decorate some cookies, take them outside and go sledding, build an igloo, go ice skating, build a snowman, make a snow fort, take them out for a scavenger hunt, or make a few tunnels in the snow banks. If you are not going anywhere for the holidays why not get paid in the process. Volunteer to pick up a shift or two from coworkers at work with there being an understanding that they will owe you one when you need it.

Hold your own holiday get together with singles in your social circle to get you through your holiday debacle. Schedule a few "team activities" at your party that involve coed teams, such as darts, board games, or my favorite Twister. If holding a singles holiday party makes you feel uncomfortable throw a party for your department at the office. In either case invite others to you so you are not so focused on finding others to spend time with on the holidays. Making the preparations for others to come visit you will assist you in feeling less desperate in seeking out others to avoid being alone on the holidays. Some individuals are not able to reach out to others for fear of rejection and holding your own party provides a remedy for your isolation and fears of inviting yourself to friends or family.

Stay busy by starting or finishing some projects around the house that you have been putting off due to lack of time. Clean a closet, organize a few shelves, or attempt to clean the basement at your home. Take the time during the holidays to learn a few guitar chords, martial arts, or begin learning a few new habits that you have always wanted to try. If none of the above apply to you consider making your apartment or home looking like a department store as you focus your energy on creatively decorating your place for the holidays.

Most of all, remember that the holidays are all about the spirit of giving and you are not required to do anything. You may have supportive friends and family but sometimes it is just best to give yourself time alone for a while during holidays. Let others enjoy the holidays in their own special way but do not force yourself to be something you are not. I have never really liked chameleons; do not pretend to be Jolly Old Saint Nick just because everyone else appears to be festive. Do not cave to the expectations of the media, the constant barrage of happy couples depicted everywhere, and allow these messages to make you feel poorly about yourself. Happiness usually begins with yourself and you can still be happy and single during the holidays. Lean on those that have been special in your life and let them know what their friendship or relationship has meant to you. The holidays are a great time to begin searching for that person that will make the next year really special. I met my wife on New Year's Day at a location I had almost decided not to attend because I was still very busy basking in the suffering from an ex-girlfriend. Had I chosen not to meet my wife that evening my life would be vacant in so many ways had I followed through and declined the invitation that year. If a chance occurrence like this can happen for me, it can certainly happen to you.


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Beginning An Affair

When most individuals think about affairs they usually envision some sort of Hollywood stereotype where a lust driven male is overwhelmed in his weakness for women that he succumbs to a beautiful scantily clad woman that is way out of his league. In the throes of a passionate one night stand involving incredible sex, little emotional connection and even less analytical thinking our sexually charged couple tears each other's clothes off in an animalistic feeding frenzy pinning each other to the wall vertically barely able to take a breath as a result of being engulfed in white hot eroticism. Reality is much different than the images conjured up in our minds and even further away from anything Hollywood has to offer. Affairs seldom just happen and most individuals who engage in an affair knew their affair partner quite well before taking the affair plunge. Affairs frequently begin as friendships with poor boundaries. Coworkers, colleagues, friends and other platonic relationships of the opposite sex are not intended for affairs but a few lunch breaks together, exchange of e-mails and a comfort begins. Once a comfort is built a person with poor personal boundaries is often compelled to share information about their life and if the boundaries are limited emotional information is exchanged. Exchange of emotional information is the blue print for affair development. Affairs often begin because individuals are unhappy in their primary relationship. One or both partners in the relationship have unmet needs or want something more from the primary relationship. This need may have been communicated, ignored completely or not taken seriously from the partners in the relationship. The longer the need is unmet or disregarded an emotional distance begins to develop and resentment begins to roll through the mind of an unhappy partner. Once resentment begins to fester individuals begin to start the justification process in their minds believing that they are entitled to be happy or that my partner is not meeting my needs. The now straying partner begins to believe they deserve someone who understands them and will communicate their needs better to them. They begin to notice how everyone else is happier than they are and it does not seem to be fair in their eyes. What is happening is the door towards an affair taking place is beginning to slowly creak open. It is a thunderous wakeup call that something in the relationship needs immediate repair and communication needs to be implemented immediately to their partner in the primary relationship. In many instances, resentment has pitched a tent in the ego of the straying partner rendering more attempts at communication unlikely. When communication is not attempted the straying partner begins to look for an individual that can meet their needs. This person is often a person they straying partner has access to such as a work colleague, personal friend or casual acquaintances they are aware of. Chance conversations in which minor levels of approval, acceptance and agreement are exchanged begin to feel like gateway drugs to euphoria. This simulating conversation often impedes the difficult communication processes occurring with the primary partner and the now wandering partner begins to refuse most efforts of communication with the primary partner. Instead of communicating their wants and needs of the primary relationship the wandering partner returns towards the individual that is meeting their current needs. Like a lost puppy returning home to its owner for a pat on the head the wandering partner returns to the person that is communicating with them , validating them , praising them, making them feel special and appreciated. The partner feels accepted and complete with this other person and begins to think about them more than they should. The wandering partner begins to wonder what a relationship would be like with this friend. These thoughts and feelings accelerate. The wandering partner is curious when they can get together and talk again with their friend who is so easy to talk to. As communication between the wandering partner and friend increase the wandering partner begins to hide text messages, e-mails, and phone logs. In time the wandering partner begins to flirt a bit, they become very complimentary, discuss how easy it is to talk to each other. The relationship between the wandering partner and the friend begins to become an emotional affair until one of them makes the stupid mistake of expressing their feelings for the other. Once feelings are mentioned or an interest past friendship is discussed the affair often blasts off like a rocket igniting off the launch pad. Soon after the delusion of love appears, as does feelings of finally finding their soul mate and thoughts of running away together start entering the minds of the affair partners. The two individuals often find that they are almost addicted to each other and the sex involved in affairs is often exhilarating as a result of its forbidden nature and connectedness that the wandering partner believes they have found in the affair partner. Most needs that occur in affairs are emotional not sexual. Sex is the end result after a wandering partner begins to find an individual that fulfills their missing need. This need is often the result of listening, presenting empathy and understanding from an individual willing to communicate and be one hundred percent attentive. It is feeling validated by the affair partner, feeling that a partner's opinion matter that a partner is being listened to and respected. When it gets down to the root of the problem the wandering partner is running away from it is about communicating all the needs in the relationship and actively listening. Many partners in relationships believe they are listening but what they are missing is an empathetic viewpoint from their partner. As much as you may believe that you are listening to your partner it makes no difference if your partner perceives your listening as condescension, ignorance or insulting. If your partner's belief is that you are not an effective communicator no matter what you are actually doing, you are not an effective communicator. To avoid beginning an affair or engaging in an affair learn to conclusively communicate. If your partner is angry and you feel tension in the relationship discuss it without blaming, accusing or rationalizing your perception. Leave all communication about your relationship and your partner with your relationship partner and close same sex friends and family. If you talk about your relationship at work do not discuss the relationship or your partner negatively. If you find yourself attracted to individuals at work do not allow yourself to be alone with this individual or be around them while drinking alcohol. Discuss ways that you and your partner can improve your relationship, where the weaknesses are, discuss relationship boundaries and ways to avoid infidelity in your relationship. The main culprit in most relationships is not communicating maturely or effectively in relationships. If you find yourself not being understood by your partner seek counseling before seeking an affair partner.

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Affair Withdrawal

Affairs seem like a great idea in the beginning when there are no emotional attachments, when all parties involved have yet to be hurt or when that long awaited need is first satiated by the affair partner. As the lies begin to unfold and the wandering partner becomes creative in their deception little do they understand it is they who are being deceived. Affairs begin to take on a life of their own and become compulsive in nature for the wandering partner. Wandering partners in affairs are like pyromaniacs who "just want to play with matches". Before the wandering partner realizes it the affair partner is all they can think about. The wandering partner begins to think about ways to get away from their betrayed partner, which excuses they can utilize next to see their affair partner and what kind of mind blowing experience will be shared next with the affair partner. Once the wandering partner has reached this state it really does not matter if they are married, have families or have a n excellent job everything becomes secondary to the affair partner. The affair partner becomes addictive and like those struggling with addictions the wandering partner begins to change their behaviors, their personality often changes, along with emotional and psychological differences that become noticeable by others. Soon the wandering partner is making observable mistakes and soon after these errors lead to the discovery of the affair. . After the affair is discovered the wandering partner usually vows to end the affair and return to their primary partner if the betrayed partner allows it. The wandering partner confesses that they have seen the errors of their ways and wants to work on the primary relationship. Once the affair is discovered the affair is often immediately terminated without any closure if the wandering partner chooses to stay with the betrayed partner. However, the positive feelings and associations tied to the affair partner in the mind of the wandering partner are difficult to quit cold turkey. Wandering partners are often mesmerized by their affair partner and have a painful time letting go after the affair. Like a junkie looking for their next fix the affair partner leaves an emotional and psychological craving that the wandering partner desires. The sex that takes place in an affair is stereotypically and sociologically frowned upon and viewed as immoral which results in feeling that the sex in the affair was extraordinarily amazing. The wandering partner often believes that they have a special connection both sexually and emotionally to the affair partner leading to difficulties facing the end of the affair. In the mind of the wandering partner the affair partner filled a void that was missing in themselves and their relationship with their primary partner. For much of the affair the wandering partner found feelings that were missing for possibly years such as euphoria, elation and even a generally optimistic outlook on life. The wandering partner begins to believe they were better suited for the affair partner than their primary partner. Once the affair partner is removed the wandering partner often sinks into affair withdrawal. These feelings are the result of no longer having the affair partner around and the wandering partner begins experiencing the stages of grief resulting from the loss of their affair partner. The wandering partner is often angry, irritable, experiencing mood swings along with depression and anxiety. As the wandering partner addresses the loss of the affair partner the wandering partner will also have to address the issues of guilt, shame and blaming themselves for the affair relationship with the betrayed partner. These feelings of affair withdrawal can last for weeks or months depending on how the wandering partner disconnects from the affair partner. A betrayed partner that assists in the process of affair withdrawal by allowing some empathy in the grieving process can greatly reduce the affair withdrawal process. If the wandering partner continues contact with the affair partner the withdrawal process will take much longer or will be completely useless due to the wandering partner not removing themselves from the affair relationship. Sustaining contact with the affair partner restarts the entire process of facing withdrawal, healing, and moving forward all over again. Agreeing to contact the affair partner is like a male black widow entering the web of the female black widow. They feel compelled to enter, biologically and psychologically but they know in the end the result will not be positive. Any contact that is initiated with the affair partner after discovery will most likely be negative and make the wandering partner feel worse so just fight the temptation to contact the affair partner. Affair withdrawal is a difficult experience so it is best advised to complete it correctly the first time by not initiating any contact with the affair partner. All addictions whether chemical, emotional, or psychological are best addressed by abstaining from that which you are attempting to recover from. Withdrawing from an affair partner is no different. By entering affair rehab with a committed attitude and partner you can manage the symptoms of affair withdrawal. This is accomplished by avoiding the affair partner at all costs, work on yourself and your relationship with your partner while filling the void left behind by the affair partner. After enough time has passed the withdrawal from the affair partner will decrease allowing the primary relationship to apply the emotional energy of the relationship on healing the relationship as couple. When this starts to occur the wandering partner suddenly notices the fallacy of their affair, the affair partner and the pain they inflicted on those around them. The wandering partner begins to resent the affair partner and often begins realizing the trauma they have inflicted on those around them. As long as you stick to a no contact approach, make an effort to remove the affair partner from your thoughts, engage the primary partner in recovery and appropriately communicating during the withdrawal process a wandering partner can clear the fog of the affair.

Forgiving Yourself For Staying With A Cheater

Reconciliation is a difficult process and many individuals struggle with attempting to recover their relationship because of personal fears of being cheated on again, failure to trust partner ever again, or embarrassment just to name a few concerns after an affair. Some who attempt reconciliation with their partner begin to feel guilty for allowing themselves to be cheated on and have a difficult time forgiving themselves for choosing reconciliation versus deserting the relationship. Many individuals that are betrayed by their wandering partner through infidelity and choosing to attempt to hold their relationship together often judge themselves very harshly for doing so. Feelings of settling for less than expected occur very often with betrayed partners because once the relationship has experienced infidelity the relationship feels unsuitable for repair. A person who decides to stay in a relationship after an affair will experience marked reduction in intimacy, less feelings of respect and loss of stability for a very lengthy period in the near future. These are distinctive features that most individuals seek in relationships making a betrayed partner question whether their judgment has been damaged believing very few would tolerate the circumstances they find themselves in. These feelings of accommodating the wandering partner further damages the self-esteem and becomes even more intense if the wandering partner's approach to reconciliation is lackadaisical, with little remorse and personally blaming the betrayed partner for their decision to cheat. As disdain for the wandering partner increases due to lack of effort and their betrayal, the betrayed partner finds themselves angry for tolerating such behavior and begin finding their decision to reconcile unforgiveable early on in reconciliation. The internal mantra of the betrayed partner is often one of negativity towards themselves which repeatedly deepens depression, increases feelings of being overwhelmed and pessimism about the future is invoked in their mind. Many betrayed partners begin to accept blame for the affair, internalize their relationship decisions much more than they should and begin to feel like the wandering partner is getting away with their infidelity much too easy. The betrayed partner's contempt for themselves for not taking a stronger stand towards the wandering partner and their infidelity or a reluctance to separate without reconciliation begin to feel like a considerable let down to their self-worth. Betrayed partners frequently place their needs in the relationship in a secondary position behind holding their relationship together for the sake of children or attempting to hold onto a troubled relationship. Betrayed partners seeking stability for their entire family often choose working on the relationship for a time before ending the relationship. Keeping a family intact is suitable for the developmental needs of the children and disregarding the safety and security of the children's needs is a concern many couples face after an affair. As a betrayed partner reflects on these concerns for the children, they are confronted with their altruism regarding their children at a time when the wandering partner chose extreme selfishness, ignoring family unity and concerns for their own needs. A betrayed partner decisions to stay for the sake of the relationship, family, or the children may be an admirable well thought out decision but many betrayed partners have difficulty trading in their happiness and emotional needs without crushing their own conscious for allowing themselves to rendered a consolation prize by the wandering partner as the work to establish a relationship with a damaged partner who desecrated the primary relationship. As reconciliation progresses and if both partners work towards healing there is often a change in attitude regarding the decision to take back a cheating partner. Many betrayed partner looking back state that if they had utilized the affair as an immediate excuse to end the relationship they would have regretted the decision to not reconcile. The process of reconciliation can be used as a tool for both the betrayed partner and the wandering partner to express their needs correctly if both individuals in the relationship communicate together. This process can indicate areas of need where both partners could make improvements after an affair. Many people who abruptly leave a relationship after an affair never learn areas where they possibly need work and enter another relationship soon after with the exact same attitudes and behaviors concerns from the last relationship. Reconciliation allows a last chance effort to see if the relationship is worth fixing and to see if there is enough appreciation and love between the betrayed partner and the wandering partner to make it through the monstrosity of infidelity. There is the possibility of rekindling some aspects of the past relationship initially and bringing into focus that which means most to each other as a couple. Many of life's greatest lessons have sprung out of emotionally traumatic situations and personal failures. For reconciliation to be effective the betrayed partner must learn to forgive themselves for staying with the relationship when most around them tell them to leave. Relationships can be repaired but they are much more difficult to repair and reach recovery if you feel you are making a poor choice in choosing reconciliation in the first place.

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Unforeseen Consequences Of Affairs

Cheaters are very selfish people unable to see beyond their latest poor choice. Long term relationships, marriages and other romantic relationships are at times difficult and have their problems. The problem is that individuals that make the decision to cheat because they are currently unhappy frequently fail to understand the long term consequences for themselves or those around them. The level of delaying gratification of a cheater rivals that of a three year old presented with the choice of an ice-cream cone now or later; I want what I want now with some self-induced rationalization for beginning the affair along the way. Affairs cause a lot of anxiety to keep them going. If the stress and anxiety from an affair could be harnessed to create power around the planet, the world could shut down every nuclear power plant, oil refinery and other power plant and we could begin powering the rest of the solar system as well. A person engaging in an affair must always be wearing about being caught in their affair. An affair is a life of always looking over your shoulder wondering when it will be discovered. An affair leaves clues in many areas and a cheater has to be on the lookout for evidence that they may have left behind. Did I erase all my text messages, shut my phone down so I could not be contacted at home, and leave any indication of an affair with receipts that my primary partner might see? What if I end up having a child as a result of an affair? What if I bump into someone who knows I am married when out with the affair partner? All of these ideas begin to provoke stress and anxiety on the wandering partner and the face of the wandering partner begins to show it in time. An affair is expensive and can cost a lot of money. Wandering partners often have to spring for hotel rooms, lavish dinners dates and if the wandering partner is attempting to impress the affair partner with jewelry or other expensive gifts the price can appreciate even more to carry out the affair. Wandering female partners often begin changing their dress style, purchasing expensive lingerie and other personal products to impress their partner. As time passes and the affair continues the affair just feels wrong. It's like walking past The Salvation Army Bell Ringer at Christmas and not dropping any money in their bucket as you spend extra money on junk food you did not need. Your primary partner may have no idea an affair is taking place and they do something wonderful for you and this just feels wrong knowing you are bending your affair partner in positions that make a contortionist envious. The guilt associated with an affair begins to make you hate yourself and wish you could take it all back. To rectify these feelings the cheater is experiencing they often begin bringing home gifts to counteract their guilt. Affairs can have alarming physical consequences. One in three individuals has a sexually transmitted infection or disease. It is not out of the realm of possibilities for a cheater to not only catch a sexually transmitted disease but also infect their primary partner. If the stress of these situations does not make a cheater reconsider having an affair they only need to wait until the affair surfaces. Once an affair become known to the primary partner guilt and shame increase exponentially. Every rotten thing that a cheater ever did in their life will feel like a therapeutic massage compared to the personal beating when the betrayed partner finds out about the wandering partner's affair. Once the affair is discovered the betrayed partner's emotional collapse breaks even the most hardened selfish individual. As some of the cheaters begin to dodge vases, personal items and almost anything a betrayed partner can get their hands on the anger turns to exhaustive grief. The thunderous mourning and weeping of a betrayed partner with accompanied hyperventilating makes most cheaters question which sailing helium balloon their soul was attached to when they considered entering an affair. As the sounds of sorrow subside you look at your partner and witness the deepening redness around their sunken eyes as a result of crying all the time. The betrayed partner is pushing out sawdust from their eyes because all their tears have been expelled and the wandering partner can only watch helplessly for inflicting such trauma on a person they professed to love. The betrayed partner is a tortured victim suffering from sleep deprivation, many times weight loss, depression and appears to geometrically age as a result of the inflicted affair. When the cheater attempts to escape these visions in a barricaded room turning towards escape as their partner suffers, they hear faint moans and echoes of agony from their betrayed partner as if they resided in a room next to a torture chamber. As the cheater steps out of the safety of their home friends, family, and others see only a cheater, a soulless individual whose only concerns was themselves and suddenly the affair has defined the wandering partner no matter what acts of heroism or generosity they have bestowed upon the community and others before the affair. Those connected to the betrayed partner hate the wandering partner for what they have done to the betrayed partner. The betrayed partner only wants to know why and frequently the wandering partner has no logical reasons just excuses. If the wandering partner has children the look of disappointment, shame and grief on their faces only add to the guilt. The children are often embarrassed of the wandering partner and side with the betrayed partner. The wandering partner often tip-toes through the home for quite some time to the tune of slammed doors, deadly stares across hall ways and the immediate sounds of dead air crickets if they happen to enter the same room as a family member. The wandering partner's children begin behaviorally acting out away from the home. As the wandering partner addresses the fact that they destroyed their family, and many other relationships around them they hope to attempt recovery but for most relationships cheating is a deal breaker. The wandering partner has lost family, perhaps some friends, maybe even their job as a result of internal selfishness. If reconciliation in the primary relationship is attempted the affair partner is not too happy about being dropped immediately out of the blue without any real closure. Affair partners often do not like losing this relationship and attempt further contact with the wandering partner by phone, e-mail, even work. Affair partners can be difficult to get rid of and their presence only makes the betrayed partner that much more upset and second guessing their choice to reconcile. By the time the affair and recovery have been completed years have gone by and the wandering partner is known as liar and cheat who hurt everyone around themselves out of selfishness. Affairs cause so much destruction to those around the wandering partner that even later adultery rears its ugly head through the children who were exposed to a family members cheating becoming cheaters themselves. Wandering partner's seldom consider what the final outcome will be when they begin an affair. It is a mentality of what have you done for me lately and are driven to be satisfied by others outside of their primary relationship when they are unhappy. Only in the end does the wandering partner see the errors in their ways and by then they have often destroyed families, friends, close contacts and even work relationships in the name of narcissism. A message from the betrayed partner; are you happy now? Was the affair worth it?

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How To Avoid Infidelity In A Relationship

It seems that a person cannot even turn on their television, open a web browser, or view the cover of a popular magazine without reading about another marriage damaged by infidelity. There have been recent instances of celebrity infidelity with individuals such as Tiger and Elin Woods, Jesse James and Sandra Bullock just to name a few. As I listen to many who demonize these marriages and the individuals involved in them, I did a little digging and found that in the life time of a marriage that sixty percent of men will cheat in their marriage and fifty percent of women will cheat at some point in their marriage. Statistically that means that at some point the majority of marriages have at least one person cheating over the span of their marriages. So what is the key to being one of the unique marriages that is able to avoid temptation, power through the difficult moments, and not look outside the marriage for validation or getting your needs met elsewhere?
When a person enters a marriage they seldom are thinking that their marriage is the one that will fail. However, statistically that is the most likely outcome upon entering marriage given the information we know about divorce rates, infidelity, and the ability for couples to skillfully problem solve in their marriages. Divorce is the second most stressful life event behind death of a spouse according to The Holmes/Rahe Social Adjustment Scale; we would think we would all do our best to avoid such a stressful life event. We all want to be in a marriage that can be the unique one that is able to avoid infidelity and reduce the chances of ending up in divorce court. Successful marriages that have been able to last decades, remain connected, and avoid infidelity have several common characteristics that assist in making their relationships last.
Spend Time Reinforcing Common Interests
Couples usually select each other based in part on having something in common. These common interests are what bring most couples closer together before marriage. Having interests that both you enjoy make date planning easier and often gives you and your partner something to talk about. Common interests are also a way that you and your partner can always remain connected with one another. Happy couples find ways to strengthen their relationships with activities that both of you can enjoy. Often in marriages it is easy to forget what brought the two of you together as you juggle the responsibilities of life but those couples that share things in common always have something to fall back on when things are not working out so well in the marriage. Making time for you and your significant other to participate in those interests will assist in solidifying attachments to each other in your relationship. Do not allow boredom to infiltrate your relationship and continue to have fun together by expressing your companionship with things that both of you enjoy together as you get older.
Your Marriage Should Be #1
Make sure that your relationship with your significant other is always center stage. The time to work on your relationship is not when things are not going well. Put in the effort to make your relationship fun and make your relationship a priority. If you put in the effort to do little things that are needed to make the relationship successful every day you will most likely not have to worry about or wonder how things got really bad many years from now. Discuss how you can make your relationship better with each other. Addressing the small things you are lacking presently will often head off marital ruts and resentment. If your partner is happy more often than not you are happy as well. When things are noticeably slipping in your marriage; address them immediately. A cavalier "I will get to that problem later" attitude slowly builds rifts in your marriage until one evening some time later you realize that the little rift has grown into a gaping canyon. Ask each other routinely about the feelings regarding your relationship and take note of what each other are saying in this discussion.
Do Not Take Your Partner For Granted
As time goes by it is easy to fall into a pattern that your partner will just always be there for you when you need them and that the relationship does not need any reinforcement of any kind. I am a big believer of random acts of kindness in a relationship. Send flowers or gifts on an occasional other than an anniversary, Valentine's Day, birthday, or when you screw up. Leave their favorite treat on a car seat before work, put a note of appreciation in their lunch, and thank them for making an extra stop after work for you. Show your partner that you appreciate them for all aspects of the relationship. Let them know that you notice their effort and thank them for it. Give your partner credit when you notice them going a little further than they need to. Look at them and smile lovingly from across the table when you think of your life without them. Empower the relationship everyday so your partner does not fall into the loving arms of a person who notices exactly how lucky you are to have your significant other.

Refrain From Putting Yourself Into Inappropriate Situations
Do not participate in situations where you could find yourself vulnerable. If you notice an attraction with other people do not allow yourself to nurture this relationship or be alone with that person. If you feel that you are being flirted with or are flirting yourself, address those behaviors directly and refrain from participating in the flirting. Avoid being alone on a business trip or a conference with someone you know has feelings for you or has flirted with you. The beautiful coworker that is sometimes flirting with you and running through your mind is not as perfect as you think they are. The mind and heart are very clever at filling in the gaps when feelings of attraction occur. Be sure to establish clear boundaries with friends, coworkers, and others. You cannot get your needs met outside of your primary relationship and still expect your relationship to function sufficiently for both of you. Make sure all your emotional/physical needs are being met in your relationship with your significant other. If they are not; discuss them with your partner but do not venture outside your relationship looking to fill the void with another person. Finding others to fill your emotional needs is the fast track to emotional affairs and physical infidelity. Let others know about your significant other through your conversations. Make it clear that you should be off of everyone's radar because you are constantly talking about your partner.
Never Go To Bed Upset
How you handle arguments between the two of you will make a huge difference in how you move forward after each situation where differences of opinions turned into moments of marital strain. Couples will always have differences of opinions, how they approach conflicts, and how they convey frustration makes a huge difference in the outcome of marital disagreements. Couples that have the most success propelling through difficult times address their concerns with each other in a timely manner. If you have any differences that you are harboring internally do not avoid them. There is no time like the present to convey your feelings to a partner. It is imperative that you are honest and do not allow your differences to build up and aggravate your living situation or your attitude towards your partner. Address the problems immediately and try not to blame or place responsibility onto your partner. Explain your reasons for your feelings and bring them to the attention of your partner. Discuss what is bothering you and be upfront about it. Try not to carry your anger into the bedroom before the end of the night. Talk things through and try and come to a solution that is amicable to both individuals in the relationship. Make up before you fall asleep for the night.
Continue To Be Affectionate
Continue to offer each other signs of personal affection. When going for a walk, in public, or even on the couch, hold hands and snuggle. Give as many hugs and kisses as possible each day. Throw in a few kind words and an "I love you" when you are thinking it. Personal affection that involves personal contact is a way to preserve intimacy between you and your partner. Letting your significant other know how much you care with a light touch on the hand, on the small of their back and long gazes into their eyes are important indicators of intimacy between you and your partner. Affection that is nonsexual in nature embraces the feelings of intimacy between you and your partner. When you see a couple making out together at a movie theater, at a restaurant or in public you secretly wish you still had those butterflies or intensity in your relationship. Instead of pretending you are grossed out or secretly mocking that couple with your partner make it happen with your partner. When was the last time you flirted with your significant other? Continue to flirt with your partner and tell them how wonderful they are. If they buy a new dress, whistle when you see them wear it. Continue to compliment them on their charming smile. I attempt to keep the ratio of compliments to complaints in my relationships to a three to one margin. Reinforce your admiration for each other with the dialogue between the two of you. If you are thinking about your partner at work why not make a phone call just telling them you were thinking of them and fill them in on the thought just to let them know that you were thinking about them. Let them know that you feel guilty because you are one of the few to marry the right person.
Support Each Other
Emotional support is the backbone to most healthy relationships. One thing that most people need in a relationship is someone who will listen to them in all aspects of their lives. The first question you should ask your partner when you see them is "how was your day"? Be prepared to just sit and listen if your partner was caught in a bad situation at work. Perhaps your partner is feeling that no one is listening to them outside of your home but make sure that you are always listening to your partner. Often times all you need to do is offer an ear as your partner attempts to escape their feelings of being overlooked at work. Perhaps you have been notified of a serious medical condition or the possibility of one. Be the person your partner looks to for encouragement, support, and a confidant. You do not have to solve the problem or offer suggestions. Assist your partner by empathizing with their situation, validating their concerns, and offer emotional support. Be supportive in positive life events as well. You and your significant other are not in a competition. Do not be envious of the raise they received, be proud and let them know that. Lack of emotional support or admiration for each other is a springboard for seeking emotional needs outside of the relationship. A person will only allow themselves to feel ignored or unappreciated for so long before they begin looking for this need outside of a relationship. Couples who display emotional support in their relationships offer their partners no incentive to look outside their relationship. Your partner should be the number one confidant in your life in most circumstances. If this is not the case in your relationship ask yourself why your partner isn't yours. Emotional support can be accelerated in its quality by adding a few intimate gestures. Offer a shoulder to cry on during tough times, holding their hand when your partner is displaying fear, and a smile across the room as you proudly celebrate their promotion.
 Make Love
Sex is obviously an important component to a healthy relationship. Those couples who engage in sex routinely are less likely to seek this need outside of your relationship. Sex also reinforces intimacy and feelings that you have for each other. It is important that you discuss what both of you want and need from each other in the bedroom. Keep communication open about your sex life and attempt to keep your sex life interesting, and fresh with each other. Do not be afraid to experiment and try new things. Sex is an emotional and physical experience that continues to assert your love for each other and the process of finding out new things about each other. By reaffirming your love for each other in the bedroom you strengthen the bond between you and your significant other. Rediscover your passion for each other if you feel you have lost it. If you are unhappy about areas in your life that are preventing your sex life from being as special or as routine as you would it to be, discuss these reasons with your partner. A conscious choice of disregarding your sex life produces feelings of temptation for your significant other to seek this need outside of the relationship.

Hang Out with Happy Couples
Spend time with other people who are in happy relationships as to avoid the possibility of learning in poor marital habits. Individuals who are not interested in being committed in their relationships are not people you and your significant other want to hang out with. Attitude is contagious and if you are around those who are in unhappy relationships you may soon find yourself in a difficult situation in your marriage. Be open to learning from other couples mistakes so the same thing does not happen to your relationship. Find a way to learn what works positively for other couples as well.
Spend time just talking.
The underlying theme in most of the areas listed above in keeping your marriage free of infidelity is communication through the tough times and the good times. Talk to each other about your feelings or about your day. Lack of communication is a major factor why people begin to look outside their relationships. When things are not going well between you and your significant other, try to do more listening than talking. Verbalize all concerns that you have in all of the areas in your relationship but be respectful. It is difficult to take anyone's concerns seriously if name calling and behavioral tantrums are your primary methods of communicating. Most individuals in a relationship just want to heard, feel important, and need to feel appreciated in their relationship. It is important that the two of you find some part of the day to have a discussion and just check in with each other. This does not have to be a major tear jerking moment but just an opportunity to connect and reinforce that you still care about each other and that you are there for each other should it be necessary.
A relationship or marriage that is able to ward of temptation and infidelity seems to be a rarity these days. Every now and then I hear from a friend or two whose parents or relatives are celebrating their fortieth or fiftieth wedding anniversary. These occasions give the rest of us something to shoot for. The above tips are not one hundred percent fool proof but in those marriages that last much longer than others there appears to be a large correlation with the above examples reoccurring more often in successful relationships and marriages. The bottom line is that to be successful in marriage or long term relationships you must be willing to work for it and the best place to start is with you. If you are a respectful partner towards your significant other, the chances of them reciprocating those feelings and attitude towards you are quite high. The likelihood your partner will need to look outside your relationship or marriage to satisfy an essential emotional or physical need that is missing is low if you and your partner are able to communicate effectively and implement the above criteria into your marriage or relationship as often as possible.
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