Forgiving Yourself For Staying With A Cheater

Reconciliation is a difficult process and many individuals struggle with attempting to recover their relationship because of personal fears of being cheated on again, failure to trust partner ever again, or embarrassment just to name a few concerns after an affair. Some who attempt reconciliation with their partner begin to feel guilty for allowing themselves to be cheated on and have a difficult time forgiving themselves for choosing reconciliation versus deserting the relationship. Many individuals that are betrayed by their wandering partner through infidelity and choosing to attempt to hold their relationship together often judge themselves very harshly for doing so. Feelings of settling for less than expected occur very often with betrayed partners because once the relationship has experienced infidelity the relationship feels unsuitable for repair. A person who decides to stay in a relationship after an affair will experience marked reduction in intimacy, less feelings of respect and loss of stability for a very lengthy period in the near future. These are distinctive features that most individuals seek in relationships making a betrayed partner question whether their judgment has been damaged believing very few would tolerate the circumstances they find themselves in. These feelings of accommodating the wandering partner further damages the self-esteem and becomes even more intense if the wandering partner's approach to reconciliation is lackadaisical, with little remorse and personally blaming the betrayed partner for their decision to cheat. As disdain for the wandering partner increases due to lack of effort and their betrayal, the betrayed partner finds themselves angry for tolerating such behavior and begin finding their decision to reconcile unforgiveable early on in reconciliation. The internal mantra of the betrayed partner is often one of negativity towards themselves which repeatedly deepens depression, increases feelings of being overwhelmed and pessimism about the future is invoked in their mind. Many betrayed partners begin to accept blame for the affair, internalize their relationship decisions much more than they should and begin to feel like the wandering partner is getting away with their infidelity much too easy. The betrayed partner's contempt for themselves for not taking a stronger stand towards the wandering partner and their infidelity or a reluctance to separate without reconciliation begin to feel like a considerable let down to their self-worth. Betrayed partners frequently place their needs in the relationship in a secondary position behind holding their relationship together for the sake of children or attempting to hold onto a troubled relationship. Betrayed partners seeking stability for their entire family often choose working on the relationship for a time before ending the relationship. Keeping a family intact is suitable for the developmental needs of the children and disregarding the safety and security of the children's needs is a concern many couples face after an affair. As a betrayed partner reflects on these concerns for the children, they are confronted with their altruism regarding their children at a time when the wandering partner chose extreme selfishness, ignoring family unity and concerns for their own needs. A betrayed partner decisions to stay for the sake of the relationship, family, or the children may be an admirable well thought out decision but many betrayed partners have difficulty trading in their happiness and emotional needs without crushing their own conscious for allowing themselves to rendered a consolation prize by the wandering partner as the work to establish a relationship with a damaged partner who desecrated the primary relationship. As reconciliation progresses and if both partners work towards healing there is often a change in attitude regarding the decision to take back a cheating partner. Many betrayed partner looking back state that if they had utilized the affair as an immediate excuse to end the relationship they would have regretted the decision to not reconcile. The process of reconciliation can be used as a tool for both the betrayed partner and the wandering partner to express their needs correctly if both individuals in the relationship communicate together. This process can indicate areas of need where both partners could make improvements after an affair. Many people who abruptly leave a relationship after an affair never learn areas where they possibly need work and enter another relationship soon after with the exact same attitudes and behaviors concerns from the last relationship. Reconciliation allows a last chance effort to see if the relationship is worth fixing and to see if there is enough appreciation and love between the betrayed partner and the wandering partner to make it through the monstrosity of infidelity. There is the possibility of rekindling some aspects of the past relationship initially and bringing into focus that which means most to each other as a couple. Many of life's greatest lessons have sprung out of emotionally traumatic situations and personal failures. For reconciliation to be effective the betrayed partner must learn to forgive themselves for staying with the relationship when most around them tell them to leave. Relationships can be repaired but they are much more difficult to repair and reach recovery if you feel you are making a poor choice in choosing reconciliation in the first place.

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Unforeseen Consequences Of Affairs

Cheaters are very selfish people unable to see beyond their latest poor choice. Long term relationships, marriages and other romantic relationships are at times difficult and have their problems. The problem is that individuals that make the decision to cheat because they are currently unhappy frequently fail to understand the long term consequences for themselves or those around them. The level of delaying gratification of a cheater rivals that of a three year old presented with the choice of an ice-cream cone now or later; I want what I want now with some self-induced rationalization for beginning the affair along the way. Affairs cause a lot of anxiety to keep them going. If the stress and anxiety from an affair could be harnessed to create power around the planet, the world could shut down every nuclear power plant, oil refinery and other power plant and we could begin powering the rest of the solar system as well. A person engaging in an affair must always be wearing about being caught in their affair. An affair is a life of always looking over your shoulder wondering when it will be discovered. An affair leaves clues in many areas and a cheater has to be on the lookout for evidence that they may have left behind. Did I erase all my text messages, shut my phone down so I could not be contacted at home, and leave any indication of an affair with receipts that my primary partner might see? What if I end up having a child as a result of an affair? What if I bump into someone who knows I am married when out with the affair partner? All of these ideas begin to provoke stress and anxiety on the wandering partner and the face of the wandering partner begins to show it in time. An affair is expensive and can cost a lot of money. Wandering partners often have to spring for hotel rooms, lavish dinners dates and if the wandering partner is attempting to impress the affair partner with jewelry or other expensive gifts the price can appreciate even more to carry out the affair. Wandering female partners often begin changing their dress style, purchasing expensive lingerie and other personal products to impress their partner. As time passes and the affair continues the affair just feels wrong. It's like walking past The Salvation Army Bell Ringer at Christmas and not dropping any money in their bucket as you spend extra money on junk food you did not need. Your primary partner may have no idea an affair is taking place and they do something wonderful for you and this just feels wrong knowing you are bending your affair partner in positions that make a contortionist envious. The guilt associated with an affair begins to make you hate yourself and wish you could take it all back. To rectify these feelings the cheater is experiencing they often begin bringing home gifts to counteract their guilt. Affairs can have alarming physical consequences. One in three individuals has a sexually transmitted infection or disease. It is not out of the realm of possibilities for a cheater to not only catch a sexually transmitted disease but also infect their primary partner. If the stress of these situations does not make a cheater reconsider having an affair they only need to wait until the affair surfaces. Once an affair become known to the primary partner guilt and shame increase exponentially. Every rotten thing that a cheater ever did in their life will feel like a therapeutic massage compared to the personal beating when the betrayed partner finds out about the wandering partner's affair. Once the affair is discovered the betrayed partner's emotional collapse breaks even the most hardened selfish individual. As some of the cheaters begin to dodge vases, personal items and almost anything a betrayed partner can get their hands on the anger turns to exhaustive grief. The thunderous mourning and weeping of a betrayed partner with accompanied hyperventilating makes most cheaters question which sailing helium balloon their soul was attached to when they considered entering an affair. As the sounds of sorrow subside you look at your partner and witness the deepening redness around their sunken eyes as a result of crying all the time. The betrayed partner is pushing out sawdust from their eyes because all their tears have been expelled and the wandering partner can only watch helplessly for inflicting such trauma on a person they professed to love. The betrayed partner is a tortured victim suffering from sleep deprivation, many times weight loss, depression and appears to geometrically age as a result of the inflicted affair. When the cheater attempts to escape these visions in a barricaded room turning towards escape as their partner suffers, they hear faint moans and echoes of agony from their betrayed partner as if they resided in a room next to a torture chamber. As the cheater steps out of the safety of their home friends, family, and others see only a cheater, a soulless individual whose only concerns was themselves and suddenly the affair has defined the wandering partner no matter what acts of heroism or generosity they have bestowed upon the community and others before the affair. Those connected to the betrayed partner hate the wandering partner for what they have done to the betrayed partner. The betrayed partner only wants to know why and frequently the wandering partner has no logical reasons just excuses. If the wandering partner has children the look of disappointment, shame and grief on their faces only add to the guilt. The children are often embarrassed of the wandering partner and side with the betrayed partner. The wandering partner often tip-toes through the home for quite some time to the tune of slammed doors, deadly stares across hall ways and the immediate sounds of dead air crickets if they happen to enter the same room as a family member. The wandering partner's children begin behaviorally acting out away from the home. As the wandering partner addresses the fact that they destroyed their family, and many other relationships around them they hope to attempt recovery but for most relationships cheating is a deal breaker. The wandering partner has lost family, perhaps some friends, maybe even their job as a result of internal selfishness. If reconciliation in the primary relationship is attempted the affair partner is not too happy about being dropped immediately out of the blue without any real closure. Affair partners often do not like losing this relationship and attempt further contact with the wandering partner by phone, e-mail, even work. Affair partners can be difficult to get rid of and their presence only makes the betrayed partner that much more upset and second guessing their choice to reconcile. By the time the affair and recovery have been completed years have gone by and the wandering partner is known as liar and cheat who hurt everyone around themselves out of selfishness. Affairs cause so much destruction to those around the wandering partner that even later adultery rears its ugly head through the children who were exposed to a family members cheating becoming cheaters themselves. Wandering partner's seldom consider what the final outcome will be when they begin an affair. It is a mentality of what have you done for me lately and are driven to be satisfied by others outside of their primary relationship when they are unhappy. Only in the end does the wandering partner see the errors in their ways and by then they have often destroyed families, friends, close contacts and even work relationships in the name of narcissism. A message from the betrayed partner; are you happy now? Was the affair worth it?

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How To Avoid Infidelity In A Relationship

It seems that a person cannot even turn on their television, open a web browser, or view the cover of a popular magazine without reading about another marriage damaged by infidelity. There have been recent instances of celebrity infidelity with individuals such as Tiger and Elin Woods, Jesse James and Sandra Bullock just to name a few. As I listen to many who demonize these marriages and the individuals involved in them, I did a little digging and found that in the life time of a marriage that sixty percent of men will cheat in their marriage and fifty percent of women will cheat at some point in their marriage. Statistically that means that at some point the majority of marriages have at least one person cheating over the span of their marriages. So what is the key to being one of the unique marriages that is able to avoid temptation, power through the difficult moments, and not look outside the marriage for validation or getting your needs met elsewhere?
When a person enters a marriage they seldom are thinking that their marriage is the one that will fail. However, statistically that is the most likely outcome upon entering marriage given the information we know about divorce rates, infidelity, and the ability for couples to skillfully problem solve in their marriages. Divorce is the second most stressful life event behind death of a spouse according to The Holmes/Rahe Social Adjustment Scale; we would think we would all do our best to avoid such a stressful life event. We all want to be in a marriage that can be the unique one that is able to avoid infidelity and reduce the chances of ending up in divorce court. Successful marriages that have been able to last decades, remain connected, and avoid infidelity have several common characteristics that assist in making their relationships last.
Spend Time Reinforcing Common Interests
Couples usually select each other based in part on having something in common. These common interests are what bring most couples closer together before marriage. Having interests that both you enjoy make date planning easier and often gives you and your partner something to talk about. Common interests are also a way that you and your partner can always remain connected with one another. Happy couples find ways to strengthen their relationships with activities that both of you can enjoy. Often in marriages it is easy to forget what brought the two of you together as you juggle the responsibilities of life but those couples that share things in common always have something to fall back on when things are not working out so well in the marriage. Making time for you and your significant other to participate in those interests will assist in solidifying attachments to each other in your relationship. Do not allow boredom to infiltrate your relationship and continue to have fun together by expressing your companionship with things that both of you enjoy together as you get older.
Your Marriage Should Be #1
Make sure that your relationship with your significant other is always center stage. The time to work on your relationship is not when things are not going well. Put in the effort to make your relationship fun and make your relationship a priority. If you put in the effort to do little things that are needed to make the relationship successful every day you will most likely not have to worry about or wonder how things got really bad many years from now. Discuss how you can make your relationship better with each other. Addressing the small things you are lacking presently will often head off marital ruts and resentment. If your partner is happy more often than not you are happy as well. When things are noticeably slipping in your marriage; address them immediately. A cavalier "I will get to that problem later" attitude slowly builds rifts in your marriage until one evening some time later you realize that the little rift has grown into a gaping canyon. Ask each other routinely about the feelings regarding your relationship and take note of what each other are saying in this discussion.
Do Not Take Your Partner For Granted
As time goes by it is easy to fall into a pattern that your partner will just always be there for you when you need them and that the relationship does not need any reinforcement of any kind. I am a big believer of random acts of kindness in a relationship. Send flowers or gifts on an occasional other than an anniversary, Valentine's Day, birthday, or when you screw up. Leave their favorite treat on a car seat before work, put a note of appreciation in their lunch, and thank them for making an extra stop after work for you. Show your partner that you appreciate them for all aspects of the relationship. Let them know that you notice their effort and thank them for it. Give your partner credit when you notice them going a little further than they need to. Look at them and smile lovingly from across the table when you think of your life without them. Empower the relationship everyday so your partner does not fall into the loving arms of a person who notices exactly how lucky you are to have your significant other.

Refrain From Putting Yourself Into Inappropriate Situations
Do not participate in situations where you could find yourself vulnerable. If you notice an attraction with other people do not allow yourself to nurture this relationship or be alone with that person. If you feel that you are being flirted with or are flirting yourself, address those behaviors directly and refrain from participating in the flirting. Avoid being alone on a business trip or a conference with someone you know has feelings for you or has flirted with you. The beautiful coworker that is sometimes flirting with you and running through your mind is not as perfect as you think they are. The mind and heart are very clever at filling in the gaps when feelings of attraction occur. Be sure to establish clear boundaries with friends, coworkers, and others. You cannot get your needs met outside of your primary relationship and still expect your relationship to function sufficiently for both of you. Make sure all your emotional/physical needs are being met in your relationship with your significant other. If they are not; discuss them with your partner but do not venture outside your relationship looking to fill the void with another person. Finding others to fill your emotional needs is the fast track to emotional affairs and physical infidelity. Let others know about your significant other through your conversations. Make it clear that you should be off of everyone's radar because you are constantly talking about your partner.
Never Go To Bed Upset
How you handle arguments between the two of you will make a huge difference in how you move forward after each situation where differences of opinions turned into moments of marital strain. Couples will always have differences of opinions, how they approach conflicts, and how they convey frustration makes a huge difference in the outcome of marital disagreements. Couples that have the most success propelling through difficult times address their concerns with each other in a timely manner. If you have any differences that you are harboring internally do not avoid them. There is no time like the present to convey your feelings to a partner. It is imperative that you are honest and do not allow your differences to build up and aggravate your living situation or your attitude towards your partner. Address the problems immediately and try not to blame or place responsibility onto your partner. Explain your reasons for your feelings and bring them to the attention of your partner. Discuss what is bothering you and be upfront about it. Try not to carry your anger into the bedroom before the end of the night. Talk things through and try and come to a solution that is amicable to both individuals in the relationship. Make up before you fall asleep for the night.
Continue To Be Affectionate
Continue to offer each other signs of personal affection. When going for a walk, in public, or even on the couch, hold hands and snuggle. Give as many hugs and kisses as possible each day. Throw in a few kind words and an "I love you" when you are thinking it. Personal affection that involves personal contact is a way to preserve intimacy between you and your partner. Letting your significant other know how much you care with a light touch on the hand, on the small of their back and long gazes into their eyes are important indicators of intimacy between you and your partner. Affection that is nonsexual in nature embraces the feelings of intimacy between you and your partner. When you see a couple making out together at a movie theater, at a restaurant or in public you secretly wish you still had those butterflies or intensity in your relationship. Instead of pretending you are grossed out or secretly mocking that couple with your partner make it happen with your partner. When was the last time you flirted with your significant other? Continue to flirt with your partner and tell them how wonderful they are. If they buy a new dress, whistle when you see them wear it. Continue to compliment them on their charming smile. I attempt to keep the ratio of compliments to complaints in my relationships to a three to one margin. Reinforce your admiration for each other with the dialogue between the two of you. If you are thinking about your partner at work why not make a phone call just telling them you were thinking of them and fill them in on the thought just to let them know that you were thinking about them. Let them know that you feel guilty because you are one of the few to marry the right person.
Support Each Other
Emotional support is the backbone to most healthy relationships. One thing that most people need in a relationship is someone who will listen to them in all aspects of their lives. The first question you should ask your partner when you see them is "how was your day"? Be prepared to just sit and listen if your partner was caught in a bad situation at work. Perhaps your partner is feeling that no one is listening to them outside of your home but make sure that you are always listening to your partner. Often times all you need to do is offer an ear as your partner attempts to escape their feelings of being overlooked at work. Perhaps you have been notified of a serious medical condition or the possibility of one. Be the person your partner looks to for encouragement, support, and a confidant. You do not have to solve the problem or offer suggestions. Assist your partner by empathizing with their situation, validating their concerns, and offer emotional support. Be supportive in positive life events as well. You and your significant other are not in a competition. Do not be envious of the raise they received, be proud and let them know that. Lack of emotional support or admiration for each other is a springboard for seeking emotional needs outside of the relationship. A person will only allow themselves to feel ignored or unappreciated for so long before they begin looking for this need outside of a relationship. Couples who display emotional support in their relationships offer their partners no incentive to look outside their relationship. Your partner should be the number one confidant in your life in most circumstances. If this is not the case in your relationship ask yourself why your partner isn't yours. Emotional support can be accelerated in its quality by adding a few intimate gestures. Offer a shoulder to cry on during tough times, holding their hand when your partner is displaying fear, and a smile across the room as you proudly celebrate their promotion.
 Make Love
Sex is obviously an important component to a healthy relationship. Those couples who engage in sex routinely are less likely to seek this need outside of your relationship. Sex also reinforces intimacy and feelings that you have for each other. It is important that you discuss what both of you want and need from each other in the bedroom. Keep communication open about your sex life and attempt to keep your sex life interesting, and fresh with each other. Do not be afraid to experiment and try new things. Sex is an emotional and physical experience that continues to assert your love for each other and the process of finding out new things about each other. By reaffirming your love for each other in the bedroom you strengthen the bond between you and your significant other. Rediscover your passion for each other if you feel you have lost it. If you are unhappy about areas in your life that are preventing your sex life from being as special or as routine as you would it to be, discuss these reasons with your partner. A conscious choice of disregarding your sex life produces feelings of temptation for your significant other to seek this need outside of the relationship.

Hang Out with Happy Couples
Spend time with other people who are in happy relationships as to avoid the possibility of learning in poor marital habits. Individuals who are not interested in being committed in their relationships are not people you and your significant other want to hang out with. Attitude is contagious and if you are around those who are in unhappy relationships you may soon find yourself in a difficult situation in your marriage. Be open to learning from other couples mistakes so the same thing does not happen to your relationship. Find a way to learn what works positively for other couples as well.
Spend time just talking.
The underlying theme in most of the areas listed above in keeping your marriage free of infidelity is communication through the tough times and the good times. Talk to each other about your feelings or about your day. Lack of communication is a major factor why people begin to look outside their relationships. When things are not going well between you and your significant other, try to do more listening than talking. Verbalize all concerns that you have in all of the areas in your relationship but be respectful. It is difficult to take anyone's concerns seriously if name calling and behavioral tantrums are your primary methods of communicating. Most individuals in a relationship just want to heard, feel important, and need to feel appreciated in their relationship. It is important that the two of you find some part of the day to have a discussion and just check in with each other. This does not have to be a major tear jerking moment but just an opportunity to connect and reinforce that you still care about each other and that you are there for each other should it be necessary.
A relationship or marriage that is able to ward of temptation and infidelity seems to be a rarity these days. Every now and then I hear from a friend or two whose parents or relatives are celebrating their fortieth or fiftieth wedding anniversary. These occasions give the rest of us something to shoot for. The above tips are not one hundred percent fool proof but in those marriages that last much longer than others there appears to be a large correlation with the above examples reoccurring more often in successful relationships and marriages. The bottom line is that to be successful in marriage or long term relationships you must be willing to work for it and the best place to start is with you. If you are a respectful partner towards your significant other, the chances of them reciprocating those feelings and attitude towards you are quite high. The likelihood your partner will need to look outside your relationship or marriage to satisfy an essential emotional or physical need that is missing is low if you and your partner are able to communicate effectively and implement the above criteria into your marriage or relationship as often as possible.
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Signs That Your Relationship Might Be Heading Towards A Breakup

Sometimes a relationship moves along and there are indicators in a relationship that should not be overlooked. We can move on and ignore some of these signals that a relationship is in trouble or do something to address the signals that are screaming there is something definitely wrong in your relationship. If these signals are ignored often the relationship will only get worse, someone in the relationship will end the relationship or disturbed individuals will seek out their needs outside their relationship. Relationships have moments of disagreements when arguing occurs but some relationships have chronic fighting. These arguments come in the form of small bickering, bouts of anger and frustration about each other, to the same serious issues that have never been successfully addressed for years or much of the relationship. As the fissure deepens in the relationship the fighting becomes more intense and hurtful. Individuals in the relationship begin to increase the lack of respect for each other when engaged in the challenging moments of fighting. The couple begins to problem solve in erroneous ways such as name calling, engaging in immature head games and begin feeling their partner is purposely attempting to inflict damage to them and the relationship. As this negativity continues to intensify one or both partners begin displaying signs that they no longer really care about the relationship and begin removing the bond between themselves and their partner. This lack of emotional connection leads to a lack of intimacy between partners in the relationship or a reduction in the amount of intimacy experienced with each other in their relationship. Intimacy problems both emotionally and sexually lead to frustration, negativity regarding the couple's sex life and often an increase in fighting. A relationship experiencing a reduction in sexual intimacy can lead to a deterioration of emotional connectedness pointing towards one or both individuals pulling away from the relationship. As the individuals emotionally move away from each other communication becomes a larger barrier because the couple feels that the relationship is not worth the fight anymore or the fighting has taken such a negative tone that both individuals just disengage from each other. The relationship begins to feel more like roommates and appreciation for each other is diminishing or seldom expressed. The individuals in the relationship begin to feel taken for granted and unappreciated. Communication breaks down or is ignored and one or both individuals begin turning towards others for signs of appreciation. This withdrawal from the relationship can lead to emotional or physical affair developing, developing independent interests away from their partner or complete avoidance of the other partner. As this withdrawal flourishes individuals in the relationship find excuses to not be around each other, find each other boring given new hobbies and recreational activities away from their partner and begin to feel that their partner and themselves have different expectations and goals for their lives than their partner. When a defining moment in communication is attempted about the relationship, careers or personal matters it is often too late as one or both individuals in the relationship simply do not care for their partner as they should and find their partners annoying or an inconvenience. Trust in each other is a fading concept and the relationship begins to feel like a performance rather than a personal resource. As the relationship begins to completely implode, weaker individuals turn towards chemicals such as drugs or alcohol and instances of domestic abuse increase as the negative pressures of the relationship escalate. When the relationship nears its end, the negative imagery of the other partner cuts to the front of the line when the partners reflect back on the relationship and their partner. Positive memories seem fleeting and both individuals cannot recall how the relationship got to its current position. Not every relationship can or should be saved. This relationship could have had an opportunity at surviving if the couple could have communicated concerns early on in the relationship. Many couples wait too long or have difficulty communicating their needs at all in relationships. Relationship issues only deepen and grow in number with the lack of communication between individuals in the relationship. When problems are not addressed and personal needs are not communicated couples begin to slowly withdraw from their partners and before they realize it the couple is unable to find a way to bring each other closer together again. It is best for couples to communicate their needs and concerns immediately before those concerns become full blown problems in the relationship.

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Rebuilding After An Affair

Choosing to repair a relationship tainted by infidelity is not an easy one. Once a couple decides to reconcile and attempt to recover from an affair that decision will seem easy compared to the work that actually lies ahead for the reconciling couple. Rebuilding a relationship after an affair seems like a daily grind for many months and progress crawls at a snail like pace in the beginning. Wandering partners often perceive the relationship during the recovery period as better off than it actually is. Betrayed partners underestimate how painful an affair actually is and the length of time a recovery will actually take. To successfully rebuild a relationship after an affair a couple must be willing to reinforce several key steps towards reconciliation and extinguish a few problem areas that are common when attempting recovery. The first step towards rebuilding a relationship after an affair is for the wandering partner to end the affair completely. A wandering partner who still sees their affair partner, contacts their affair partner or occasionally feels compelled to see what is happening with the affair partner during reconciliation makes recovery pointless. A betrayed partner believes they are working towards repairing a relationship that was damaged by deceit, lies and deceptive behaviors. A wandering partner continuing these behaviors pulls the reconciling couple away from full recovery making the betrayed partner consider giving up on reconciliation if the wandering partner is caught again. If you want to rebuild the relationship do it right the first time and stick to a no contact guideline regarding the affair partner and demonstrate your commitment towards recovering with the betrayed partner. The betrayed partner must work at not internalizing the mistakes of an affair as their own or somehow their fault. The wandering partner must take responsibility for the affair and refrain from assigning blame for the affair to the betrayed partner. There are many choices to communicate unmet needs to a partner and an affair is very poor choice in coping with an unhappy relationship. The wandering partner must express remorse both verbally and behaviorally as well as portraying accountability for their actions of the affair. A betrayed partner will want to have details of the affair and will most likely continue to return to moments of the affair that they have questions about. This is normal and an opportunity for the wandering partner to build trust through honesty and empathy. The betrayed partner will not like some of the details they receive from a wandering partner but it will assist in the healing process. A wandering partner protecting themselves about the details of the affair only slows down recovery. Betrayed partners need answers to move forward and to understand the affair from their perspective. After all the details of the affair have been discussed over time and the couple agrees to move forward together the affair should no longer be used as a weapon in discussions, fights or conversations to hurt each other. There has to come a point when the affair must be banished from daily dialogue and the couple must begin to move forward. A couple willing to rebuild the relationship must work through feelings of resentment for each other. The betrayed partner will never forget about the affair or the pain associated with cheating. The betrayed partner will hold some very strong feelings for a very long time but must be willing to move forward without systematically punishing the wandering partner habitually for the rest of their life. At some point the betrayed partner must be willing to move forward and to forgive the wandering partner in order to rebuild the foundation of the relationship after it has been blackened by infidelity. The wandering partner must also work through their resentment of the betrayed partner. Wandering partners harbor resentment of the betrayed partners for believing they made them engage in affairs as a result of unmet needs. They also struggle with the absence of the affair during reconciliation which the wandering partner misconstrues as the fault of the betrayed partner. Both individuals have to agree at some point that the relationship is more important than embracing resentment and choose to move forward. Trust is difficult to build again and only comes with time and is earned very slowly. Initially trust is impossible and can only be accomplished through full transparency. For the first six months after discovering the affair all aspects of the wandering partners life should be available to the betrayed partner. This includes computers, cell phones, financial records, e-mail accounts, all passwords to devices, and any other method that an affair is usually conducted in. It is the responsibility of the betrayed partner to routinely verify and scrutinize these records for signs of a return to an affair. Trust is built with time and the more a wandering partner is verified telling the truth, not caught in more lies and found acquiescing to the demands of transparency the easier it will be to add one more small brick into the foundation of trust being constructed by the betrayed partner. There may be times when recovery seems to stall and the couple finds themselves unable to move forward no matter what is tried. In these moments consider getting professional help from a counselor. An objective third party may be able to assist you in working through the road blocks that a struggling couple is encountering in reconciliation as well as strengthening areas where there has been only modest success. Most importantly it is imperative that the couple begin addressing all of their relationship needs through communication. This is completed through routine contact and checking in with each other about the status of the relationship. Learn the mistakes that led to the affair and routinely address the status of those areas in the relationship. If you notice your partner feeling distant or find something feeling not right in the relationship begin addressing your concerns immediately in the relationship. It is much better to communicate concerns and perceived incorrect from your partner versus ignoring something as minor and begin watching a rift separate the two of you once again. Make sex a common habit in the relationship as the healing begins to become apparent. Sex brings the relationship closer together by reaffirming emotional bonds and establishing a connectedness between the couple. The road back from an affair is a lengthy one that can only be accomplished with a diligent commitment and determination of both individuals to make things work. There will be barriers along the way towards recovery. Trust is not easily built after an affair. Some individuals cope with intense pain through sarcasm, maladaptive head games and poor problem solving. The return of intimacy is often ridden in anxiety and flood the mind with mental images of the wandering partner and the affair partner but these things will eventually decrease in number and intensity in time. Together a couple will soon witness a rejuvenated environment and loving relationship once again through the hard work of reconciliation. If you are able to return to some sense of normalcy in your relationship the relationship will be very powerful in many ways. Making it through an affair conveys to a couple that even through the most difficult emotional trauma of their relationship they were able to survive.

When A Wandering Partner Will Not Talk About The Affair

The recovery process after an affair is dependent on honest communication for reconciliation to occur. This process can be very complicated by a wandering partner who refuses to talk about the affair in any meaningful manner. Some wandering partners are ashamed of their behavior, feel guilty as they witness the decay of the betrayed partner as a result of their behavior and do not wish to discuss the affair. Others are just narcissists who simply do not feel the need to discuss anything that does not directly affect them. No matter what the reasons for refusing to discuss the affair with the betrayed partner not talking or giving open dialogue for the betrayed partner to get answers they are looking for will build stress, resentment and greatly decrease the speed at which full reconciliation can occur. Infidelity is often one of the most dreadful experiences of a betrayed partner's life and the inability to discuss this with the wandering partner whom they share their life only intensifies the agony and lengthens the healing process. A wandering partner's inability to communicate effectively could be what led to wandering partner's affair in the first place and avoiding communication after an affair leaves the very fragile relationship even more susceptible to relationship problems. It is very important to encourage any form of communication if there is any possibility of the healing process to begin. It is important for betrayed partners to take the lead and ask all the questions they feel are needed to address the affair and what they are feeling as a result of the wandering partner's infidelity. If the wandering partner is refusing to communicate or wishes to pretend that the relationship is repairing itself the betrayed partner will have to take some drastic measures to start the communication process with the wandering partner. The most effective form of beginning this communication process is to set a time that both of you agree to talk. The last thing you want to do is aggressively walk into a room and begin venting and crying about how the affair has affected you. This tactic feels like an emotional attack only heightening the strain of the relationship, reducing the likelihood of any constructive communication and might cause the wandering partner to get up and walk out. The goal is to get communication going if only for a few minutes from the avoidant wandering partner. As a betrayed partner you are entitled to answers regarding the affair. It is essential that the wandering partner provide support, encouragement and honest communication in this process. The betrayed partner may not like the answers they receive but being honest and open about what the betrayed partner feels they need to understand their partners indiscretions is essential in the recovery process. If the wandering partner is avoiding giving answers to what the betrayed partner is looking for a great place to start is general discussion what the absence of effective communication and how this is affecting the betrayed partner. Sitting down and openly discuss how avoiding the discussion is affecting the betrayed partner often opens up the difficult process of communicating about the affair for the wandering partner. Have the wandering partner discuss their fears of talking about the affair with the betrayed partner. Pretending that nothing is wrong after an affair is not honest nor is it beneficial for either partner. The wandering partner must be accountable for their actions and if they are unable to talk about their decision to have an affair they should at least empathetically listen to the feelings of their betrayed partner. This may result in the wandering partner watching the betrayed partner crying their way through how the affair has obliterated their self-esteem, trust and feelings of insecurities. The wandering partner basically has to be the backbone for the betrayed partner given how their actions have destroyed their relationship partner. It is the wandering partner that has to improve the relationship through changed behaviors, better communication, remorse for their actions, personal accountability, etc. For recovery to occur after an affair a couple has to come together to discuss the fears that each are feeling. This process may produce very little in the early attempts but if the couple trying to reconcile are only able to comfort each other, support each other and stop remaining in the same position day after day it is a start towards reconciliation. The couple can at least reaffirm their position that they want to work towards reconciliation. There is no surefire way to make a wandering partner talk about the affair or even sit through a betrayed partner's feelings as a result of the affair. Simply avoiding the whole process is impossible and will not go away because you wish it away. It would be great if people just got over such traumatic betrayals easily but reconciliation does not work that way. A wandering partner must take a very long journey inside themselves in addressing infidelity and this is part of the recovery wandering partners want to avoid. The decision to cheat really becomes painful to see when you witness what it does to the betrayed partner whom you are attempting to reconcile with. The betrayed partners questions regarding the affair make the wandering partner shrivel as a human being with each tear running down the side of the betrayed partners face and each hyperventilating breath unnaturally exhaled as a result of emotional trauma. The process of reconciliation is an endless process in the eyes of the wandering partner. They feel repeatedly victimized by their own guilt, their partners make them feel like sadists as they communicate details of the affair to an examining betrayed partner. I think fighting through that small barrier and finding the ability for a little communication is not asking too much given what was dealt to the betrayed partner.

Avoiding Fake Reconciliations

As a couple attempts to put their relationship back together there are bound to be a few bumps in the road back towards reconciliation. Often these bumps feel more like mountains followed by deep crevices as the rollercoaster of emotions and behaviors from both partners take them on a very exhausting journey. When attempting to reconcile after the ultimate betrayal betrayed partners and wandering partners underestimate the amount of hard work that lies ahead of them and underestimate the pain that the betrayed partner has internalized. There are usually some common mistakes that lead to false reconciliations between couples. After an affair, very often one person is expected to leave or a separation occurs due to the trauma of the relationship. Many betrayed partners have a habit of taking the wandering partner back or allowing them back into the home setting before they should be allowed to return. A wandering partner often realizes with a little time that the affair partner was an escape, satisfying an unmet need missing from the primary partner and not real relationship material. These wandering partners often are seeking asylum back home with their primary partner after the discovery of the affair. However, many times these individuals are far from appropriate relationship material themselves despite their feelings of wanting to return home. Many wandering partners have a lot of atonement to address with the betrayed partner but realistically are connected to the affair partner. Even if they have stopped seeing the affair partner, the wandering partner suffers withdrawal from the affair partner and their line of thinking is not where it should be in focusing on reconciliation with the primary partner. When a wandering partner seeks permission to return to the relationship from the betrayed partner, especially if they are questioning returning to the same living environment, I would be very apprehensive about allowing this return to take place. Reconciliation will take time often; perhaps years. There is no need to rush reconciliation or the return of the wandering partner to your living environment. I have learned that when a wandering partner asks to return to the relationship usually they are not quite ready. Should the wandering partner ask to return home let the process run its course a little longer. The danger of allowing a wandering partner home too early is the false impression that the relationship is regrouping and heading in a positive direction. Welcoming home a wandering partner that is still connected to the affair partner brings the real possibility of further cheating, reopening the affair wound and feeling like you are starting the reconciliation all over again. A relationship that is stained with too many false reconciliations becomes a joke for both individuals after a while and the whole relationship is pretty much shattered in trust at that point. Too many failed reconciliation attempts leave the betrayed partner with a very long-term memory that is not easily erased or forgotten. The betrayed partner must hold their ground in uniting the living environment and not allow the wandering partner too much control over the speed of reconciliation. If or when you are ready to have the wandering partner return to your living environment, have a very serious meeting with the wandering partner where boundaries are put in writing and clearly stated. Some of the content of this written agreement on boundaries should include no contact with affair partner, full transparency of all communication devices for at least six months, the wandering partner spends very little time away from the betrayed partner outside of work and state every statement coming out of the mouth of the wandering partner will be verified and examined. Make this list available to the wandering partner in writing so there is no confusion about the process and your expectations. Reassess these expectations and boundaries routinely. If you are given any problems with these expectations or any negotiating is attempted the wandering partner is not ready to return to your living environment or the relationship. It is very common for the appearance of reconciliation for a while only to slip back into old maladaptive habits such a doing a better job at concealing the affair next time. Do not accept progress from part of your expectations and poor acquiesce on other aspects of your expectations. You cannot afford to be patient and hope for the best later. The time for reconciliation to occur is after you have explained the boundaries and expectations. As explained in other posts, remorse for what took place towards the betrayed partner and a wandering partner's actions are essential clues for how reconciliation will go. Words have very little meaning at this early stage in reconciliation so do not be impressed with early progress, do not be swayed by their individually planned reconciliation that deviates from yours, do not tolerate slow progress or tolerate a wandering partner who returns to perch themselves on the fence failing to make a relationship decision. The reconciliation process is such hard work and demanding on the relationship. It is best if a couple can make it through this process together now independent of any false recoveries or fake reconciliations. A betrayed partner should not accept an artificial presentation of working on reconciliation or accept an unproductive effort. For many couples accepting less effort or a good enough attitude has lead to the problem of affairs reoccurring again in the relationship. To make it through reconciliation a couple has to change both their behaviors and their attitudes regarding what got them into an affair mess to begin with.

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