Time For No Contact

In some relationships there will eventually come a time where you have to make a decision to either separate or make a break from the relationship. This is a very difficult, often scary thing for many individuals in long term relationships to accomplish. I was with my girlfriend for five years and even when I was aware that the relationship was over I went back and forth for many months before finally making a clean break from the relationship utilizing a no contact approach. Initially going no contact is difficult and I had a few instances where I did contact my ex-girlfriend. Like a crazed mathematician I measured the time in between each contact attempting to make each recent contact longer than the last until I finally found myself not worrying about her any longer which I then realized I was over her. Early on, the urge to call, e-mail, or other method of communication are burdensome. No contact can be used by the wandering partner to end relationships with an affair partner, the betrayed partner to separate from the wandering partner or just to end a short term relationship. I chose no contact because I just wanted to get the pain over with and to move forward once I realized that I no longer wished to put up with a cheating partner. I had delivered a few ultimatums that she refused to comply with but agreed to face to face. I was tired of having my ex-girlfriend use me as her consolation prize as she allowed herself to have her cake and eat it too. By dictating the terms of the relationship yourself you can heal yourself from individuals that want to remain on the fence and routinely jump on each side of the fence. Sometimes you need to be the one to knock them off the fence and make a difficult decision for them and for yourself. Once you chose to go no contact it works best if you just bite the bullet and refrain from all contact with an ex. The sooner you address the issues from the relationship and move on the sooner you will heal and be able to look forward to a more successful relationship. Routinely contacting an ex just prolongs the pain, brings forth setbacks that you most likely have already addressed and returns the old feelings of the relationship once again. No contact means no inquiring about your ex through common friends, family members, acquaintances, coworkers or individuals connected with your ex. All this information does is stifle your recovery and this information will most likely get back to your ex through the parties you inquired about her through. This leads an ex to believe that reconciliation is possible. Get rid of contact information on your ex so you will not be tempted to contact them. This means eliminate them from Facebook, delete their e-mails, cell phone numbers, and home numbers from your address book. If you lived together, change the locks and remove any memories such as pictures, personal mementos, etc. that bring about feelings that are difficult. If an ex attempts to contact you do not answer their call, do not respond in any manner, or attempt to analyze the implications of the communication. Simply delete or erase the message. Change your usual patterns of your daily discourse to ensure that you cannot be stalked, sought out or confronted by an ex. Do not go looking for an ex yourself. This is about as dumb of a thing as you can do to ensure that you are in perpetual pain. All seeing your ex will do is mess with your mind and possibly viewing them with another person is a mental image you do not need to return home with. Attempting to find your ex during an afternoon drive is often a sign that perhaps you need additional help in working through your personal issues regarding the relationship. It most likely means you're a sadist because nothing good can really happen seeing your ex after the relationship is over. If you have children together make visits with the short regarding the children, any conversations regarding the visit or at the visit should be about the children and nothing more. Cut off all conversations attempting to venture into other areas of discussion. If possible have a relative or friend pick up the children or drop them off so you do not have to see your ex. Find something to do while the relationship is in the no contact phase such a working on yourself. This could mean start trying to lose weight, read some self-help books, learn a hobby you always wanted to learn but never had time for, or begin a project that will keep your mind off your ex. I began learning how to play the guitar when I was weaning myself off my ex-girlfriend and the hour or two per day that I spent on my guitar away from the thoughts of my ex were a little piece of heaven. Begin focusing on you and off of your ex. No contact is an opportunity to eliminate the tug of war that takes place during a breakup inside of yourself by removing the partner that is causing the internal tug of war. By removing them and their ability to contact you true healing can often begin. When a betrayed partner utilizes this strategy it also displays a clear message that you are not going to allow the wandering partner to play both sides of the relationship and by taking an active approach such as no contact the wandering partner often realizes what they are losing when forced to go without the betrayed partner for a given length of time.