Individuals struggling to hold a long term relationship or a marriage together at times look outside of their relationship in an attempt to search for happiness that has been missing from their lives for some time. Some of these individuals are looking for companionship, others are searching for physical needs and others for emotional connection that they believe has been absent for far too long. Affair partners are an escape from a major drought that has been occurring in a long term relationship for many months and an affair provides the temporary oasis that a wandering partner believes they so desperately seek. What is actually taking place is the avoidance of the real issues that are truly missing from their primary relationship. Unfortunately the affair partner is more of an instrument to help a hurting person deal with serious internal conflicts versus any serious consideration for a life partner. The affair partner is more of a guiding light that serves as illumination that there are serious problems internally in a straying partner and in the primary relationship that the straying individual should be focusing on but is sidestepping. The affair partner that a wandering partner chooses to step outside of the long-term relationship with is seldom successful at either getting the wandering partner to leave their betrayed partner and even less likely to survive into a serious relationship if the straying partner should leave their primary partner. Less than three percent of affairs will result in a marriage after the primary relationship they have rejected has ended or the affair is found out by the betrayed spouse. This is very poor percentage given that recent statistics puts the infidelity mark in marriages at about forty percent for women and over sixty percent for men. Statistics such as these make you wonder why even engage in an extramarital affair at all. Many affairs could be rationalized as one night stands, friends with benefits, but many affairs are often consummated with those whom some sort of relationship is at least discussed. So why do so many affairs routinely end abruptly or fail to make it into serious relationships? Relationships that start out as affairs have far too much baggage to begin with to make it into the realm of a delightful, stable relationship. The stress that is caused on the wandering partner, the guilt associated with the affair, trying to understand the reasons for the affair, the fear of discovery of the affair are just a few of the additional pressures that relationships involving affairs have to manage. Once the affair surfaces, the primary partner whom is betrayed is forced to act in one manner or another through addressing the betrayal in the relationship. The betrayed individual often puts ultimatums on the affair relationship, or kicks the wandering spouse out for the betrayal. The affair that appeared so perfect, the partner so understanding, validating all the needs that the wandering spouse believed where missing from their primary relationship suddenly appear shockingly juvenile in nature when expected to make a decision between the primary relationship and the affair partner. The wandering partner begins to realize they had more of a playmate in the affair partner than a confident who actually knew them like no other. All the flaws that where overlooked in the affair partner rise to the surface faster than a great white shark noticing a seal swimming directly overhead. The affair partner was absolutely delightful, charming, and charismatic when the wandering partner was able to meet them on their own terms. When you have to begin formulating a life with that person free of the excitement of engaging in behavior deemed mischievous, along with responsibilities of adult existence, your soul mate begins to disappear faster than a bee-bee shot in the dark. Once the wandering partner has to meet the affair partner on a daily basis and begin real life with them, the fog of the affair evaporates and clarity is often restored to the wandering partner. The wandering partner sees a life filled with drama, emotional baggage, jealousy, just to cite a few issues in which the relationship with an affair partner is newly founded upon. One of the only bonds that the wandering partner has with the affair partner is the secret of the affair and once that is gone real life begins to make the grass on the side of the fence you are currently standing appear brown, flaky, with far too many dead patches.
Affairs often begin as most early relationships do in that they are blinded by infatuation, require very little commitment, and riddled in in the forbidden behaviors which make them that much more alluring. While engaging in an affair a person is enjoying the attention, basking in the notoriety of the affair, energized by the secrecy of the affair, and is often more in love with the affair than the affair partner. The feelings experienced in an affair are synonymous with our youth when told not to engage in sex for a variety of reasons and on many nights you find yourself sweating in up in the backseat of your car coming home completely proud of yourself putting on a face of pretending nothing is happening for your parents. While filled with excitement of an affair a person can very easily power through their guilt as they find themselves engaging in sexual activities that they have not engaged in many years, blame their partner for "forcing" them into their current predicament because of failing to meet their needs versus taking any ownership of the relationship they are fleeing from. Like the early stages of relationship the infatuation soon fizzles away and reality soon slowly begins to show itself. Affairs are often conducted on the terms of the wandering partner from a primary relationship. They see the affair partner when they can arrange it and confuse the feelings of infatuation and excitement with feelings of love. It is very easy to overlook flaws in a person whom you have very little connection with, do not have to make any real level of commitment with, and are only focused on the great times that an affair partner and a wandering partner can share. There are seldom any real issues to work through other than pressure to leave another person or spouse. As infatuation begins to wear away the affair often becomes more of an inconvenience than it is actually worth and the affair ends. The average length of an affair is about a year to a year and half, which just happens to be the length of time it takes to really get to know someone intimately. As the affair continues to last several months or years the affair partner begins to often want more from the wandering partner, is sick of the secrecy, wants a larger commitment, sick of sharing their partner, and sick of scheduling their relationship around the wandering partners significant other's circumstances. The relationship the affair partner and the wandering partner envisioned suddenly does not live up to the excitement of the first few months. The love the wandering partner believed they were feeling fades like the sun during a solar eclipse. The wandering partner realizes they have been bitten by the infatuation bug and all those tempting love notes exchanged at staff meetings about believing that their coworker down the hall is their soul mate suddenly feel more of a burden then it is worth.
The most difficult part of forming a lasting relationship is commitment and trust in your significant other. This presents a very large problem with an affair partner as its foundation is saturated in secrecy, deceit, lies, cheating, and presenting to others that everything in life is great as you wander through life hurting yourself and others. Trust is the cornerstone of every serious relationship whether it is friendship or serious intimate relationships. It is no wonder why a relationship built on the characteristics of lying and scamming those closest to you never materializes into anything deeper. If you sit by and watch another person you share your bed with routinely deceive his significant other, can any trust actually be formed if the affair partner and the wandering partner ever are lucky enough to be together in a primary relationship? The wandering partner has displayed a history of cheating on their primary partner with the affair partner; the affair partner has to know at some point it will be just as easy for the wandering partner to do the exact same thing to them. History often repeats itself in relationship behaviors and a person who will cheat with you, will often cheat on you. If the relationship ever matures to a point when the affair partner and the former wandering partner have their own conflicts and difficulties, it would be difficult to forget what was the wandering partners choice in coping mechanisms when things became very difficult; cheating, lying, and communication avoidance. Anyone capable of lying in a primary relationship on a routine basis will use these same tactics in another relationship. Even if the former wandering partner does happen to reform their former cheating behaviors, will the affair partner ever really be able to trust them in difficult moments of a relationship? Would anyone actually want to take that chance the wandering partner has changed their ways when history has showed differently?
Affairs are often an all or nothing game with friends and family. Friends may or may not stick by you after learning of the affair but family members are more apt to take a hardened stance against affairs. The decision to have an affair or leave the primary relationship for another person often risks the support network that has taken years to build. Learning about an affair from friends and family often leads others to hold negative feelings for the wandering partner as a result of their behavior. Having the support of friends and family at one point in your life and losing the entire support system, watching the social supports evaporate in front of you is not exactly one of life's lessons most people are willing to take. Very few individuals are willing to risk friends and family that they have known for years. Friends and family that do support the wandering partner are more apt to hold a very negative grudge or harbor resentment for the affair partner. This is especially true if they liked the betrayed spouse or betrayed significant other. Even in the most difficult times of a long term relationship or marriage the betrayed spouse is often supportive in times of need, assisted wandering partner in difficult situations, stood by them when life through the wandering spouse curve ball. Even though the wandering spouse is rejecting the betrayed spouse, they are still often a means of support the wandering spouse is accustomed to.
Once in a long term relationship it is difficult to leave no matter the situation. Many wandering partners often rush back to the betrayed partner once they realize the pain they caused their significant other as a result of their affair, vowing to end the affair immediately, and suddenly conjuring up the ability to verbally address the real issues of the primary relationship in a moment when the relationship is the least fragile. Relationships that a person knows they are better off without are difficult to end because of emotional investment, stability, fear of making a wrong decision, and so forth. If or when the wandering partner does leave it is a process that involves great time and energy to fully make it through the grieving process. The loss of a long-tern partner takes months and sometimes years to fully recover from. Many affair partners are not willing to sit by and watch a person painfully withdraw from a primary partner without animosity for the relationship they are grieving over. Any feelings the wandering partner tries to cover up to maintain the relationship with the affair partner often come out in other areas of the relationship such as anger issues, temper outbursts, irritability, with a host of other emotional baggage resulting from not addressing the grieving process appropriately. For years the wandering partner has been familiar with their role in a setting with the betrayed partner and understood the routines of daily life, they usually have someone they could depend on in serious circumstances, and the stability of that relationship makes life so much less chaotic. A person who leaves their significant other after a long period of time may regret their decision later and actively look for ways to reconnect with the betrayed partner down the road. No matter how poor the current relationship is in the primary relationship there was a time when great feelings of love, respect, commitment, and encouragement were present. These feelings may be buried, diminished at the present time, but these feelings are often lurking even in the most desperate of times in long-term relationships. Often it is not until a wandering partner leaves, has to attend to life without their long time significant other that they realize that their decisions to leave or have an affair were impulsive, a mid-life crisis, or struggling communicating with their primary partner. Once reality has set in for many of these wandering partners and daily life creeps in on them they suddenly miss what they had with their life partner whom they have known for so long.
Affairs seldom turn into anything besides a distraction because that is exactly what their true intentions are trying to mask. Many people who engage in affairs are suffering from grandiose delusions when they tell themselves they are in love or are under the belief that they found the person who understands them like no one else ever has. As much as the wandering partner wants to convince themselves that they are in love, the majority of the time they are only reacting to the primary relationship and what they believe is missing from that relationship. Affairs are usually just a symptom to a larger underlying issue and not the problem itself. Individuals engage in affairs because they are having negative feelings regarding their relationships with their significant other or suffering from issues regarding themselves. Most affairs take place when primary relationships are traversing through difficult periods and all modes of communication begin to cease or drastically break down. Affairs often take place inside a person's mind for some time until the wandering partner seeks emotional or physical fulfillment from which they believe they are lacking. The wandering partner seeks a connection with others; possibly because they are not getting their connectedness from their primary relationship. Instead of communicating on the difficulties in the relationship or about personal feelings about themselves, wandering partners turn to others for validation, for self-esteem boosters, or reaching out for anything that will make themselves feel better about their internal self. These feelings serve to bolster the wandering partner's perception of the primary relationship, catapulting blame on the betrayed partner, leading to rationalization of excuses for an affair to begin. As the primary problems in the primary relationship continue to go on being ignored, many individuals begin to look outside of their primary relationship attempting to fill that dark chasm in their hearts that has seen not so much as a flicker of light in months or even years. The affair offers the wandering partner escape from the real issues in their primary relationship, while at the same time satisfying their emotional and physical needs that are being overlooked in their primary relations according to the wandering partner. It is much easier for many to turn towards others outside the primary relationship looking for that missing piece they believe fits them instead of looking inward for what is truly missing. The solution is obvious in the wandering partner's mind given their validation from their new "love" interest. It is a wonderful distraction from adult responsibilities and personal ownership of what is really missing from their life. What makes this coping mechanism all the more depressing is that by avoiding the hole in their own self-worth, their relationships, and how they are perceived by others, person's engaging in affairs will more than likely repeat this ugly pattern once again in a new relationship or with an affair partner. Individuals often repeat the same patterns again and again until the cycle is broken by finding out what is missing from themselves and their relationships. This pattern will continue until the wandering partner is able to repair what is missing from themselves, how they believe they are perceived by others, or pursue other avenues to change the pattern of infidelity.
In the end, affairs are seldom about a love connection or about finding our soul mate. Affairs are often more about the feelings we have about ourselves and the needs that you perceive for each other in a primary relationship. Affairs can often be circumvented if proper communication is implemented in the primary relationship and far fewer children, other people, and significant others are harmed in the process. The allure of the affair often blinds a person with the feelings of being with someone new, the feelings of excitement, and the attention received from a person that validates what they believe they should be receiving in a primary relationship. Time would be much better spent leaning on support network in times of deep emotional pain such as close friends, primary partners, and marital counseling. People often confuse those closest to them in difficult times as escape artists for us to utilize in affairs instead of noticing how far they have actually drifted from our primary partners. Before running towards those people that validate us, make us feel wonderful, appear to be the one we missed out on or are perfect for us, begin to look at ways to heal yourself and your relationship through communication. Affairs will not make a primary relationship stronger; it is only a temporary solution to questions that will make the solution unsolvable or much more difficult. All the great sex done in secrecy will eventually have to be answered for by family, friends, and the primary partner at some point. The perceived fun you are presently experiencing will damage the primary relationship that much more later down the road when discovery day surfaces. Very few people who have experience with affairs state in was a positive experience looking back. Many openly state that if they could do it all over again affairs are the one mistake they wish they could take back or change. This is an opportunity to learn from others and not get started in affair in the first place.
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