You have recently found out that your significant other has been cheating on you and you are hurting in ways that you did think were possible. You are overcome with emotional pain, your heart is throbbing in agony, and your relationship with your significant other appears to be uncertain. Everything that was stable in your life in now unbalanced and volatile in every way. What was up is now down, left is now right, etc. The only constant in your life appears to be misery and instability. Your significant other has admitted to infidelity either by honest admission or by you confronting them with overwhelming evidence that it was pointless to keep lying about the affair. Despite finding out about the infidelity, you have decided to attempt to forgive your significant other and move forward with your relationship. However, your partner is having trouble making a clean break from their affair partner. How does a betrayed partner get their partner back wholly into the relationship and get the affair partner out of the picture?
The very first step in the process of repairing your relationship is to reevaluate the entire relationship. This is difficult to do in the emotional state that you are in now and your heart and mind will most likely be immersed with existing bias given that you recently found out the love of your life has been sleeping with other people. Despite the bias, it is imperative that you do some critical thinking regarding your relationship before the affair. Before the culmination of noticing the affair, how was the relationship? Is there something worth saving and working towards repairing? Where there communication breakdowns, frustration with aspects of your relationship, constant fighting? Were you happy, satisfied, content with your future as a couple? It is important that you find the answers to some of these questions so that you understand what you are trying to save and that you are fighting to stay in a relationship for the proper reasons. Staying with someone because you are afraid of yourself, are afraid of loneliness, and fear of avoiding more pain that breaking up with your significant other may cause, are not beneficial reasons for you to remain with your significant other.
While you are reevaluating the relationship, examine certain aspects of the relationship that were important to you. How was your emotional connectedness when you were happy? How was communication between the two of you? Be mindful of your train of thought and do not begin to look towards yourself for excuses as to why your partner cheated. Those who are betrayed partners often look towards themselves as reasons for the affair or betrayals when infidelity occurs. No matter what characteristics, traits, or behaviors you believe you were lacking or you blame yourself for; you certainly did not deserve being deceived, or lied to. Nothing you have done or believe you have done warrants the treatment or predicament you find yourself in now. Never let a partner place any responsibility for their inept behavior onto you. Your partner made a choice to take your relationship elsewhere, not you. Your partner made a choice that they knew was harmful to your relationship and harmful to you personally. In saying that, I think this is an opportunity for you to look at reasons for why your partner felt they needed to look outside the relationship. Was there a communication barrier that your partner felt was too overwhelming that they could not discuss it with you and found comfort somewhere else? It is difficult to focus on personal faults but is there anything in the relationship that you feel that you could have done differently or better? If you are seriously going to try and repair the relationship you have to look at this side of the equation as well as your partners. Affairs are seldom about sex, and usually are the result of a character flaw such as needing attention, having their attractiveness reinforced, building confidence through signs of affection, and the need to be admired by others. Some individuals involved in infidelity feel taken for granted and enjoy that someone can see the positive characteristics that perhaps have been verbally forgotten in a relationship long ago. Take a profound emotional, empirical, and mental look at your entire relationship and look at both yourself and your partner. Nothing has to be immediately determined so take some time with this. Think through the issues such as honesty, the ability to trust, and probability that you could end up in the scenario you are now should you work towards repairing the relationship. Does your significant other have a history of cheating? Is this the first time with you or have there been other times? I would really reconsider taking back a habitual cheater in your relationship and someone who has a history of cheating. The recidivism rate of someone who has cheated in the past on you or other romantic partners is probably pretty high.
As you reassess the relationship and work through the beginning stages of grief do not expect any emotional miracles. You most likely feel like you are being torn apart from the inside out, you can barely breathe at times, your eyes feel like sand paper as every bit of condensation possible has poured out of them. You struggle just to take each breath and the nearest fire escape or bridge seems to be inviting you to take a jump. Even though you are feeling like there is a gaping hole inside your soul it is imperative that you begin to work on aspects of yourself; especially the self-esteem. Most people finding out that they have a cheating partner feel incredible unattractive and their view of themselves are quite appalling. This is your perception of yourself because of the behavior of someone else. The next step towards repairing your relationship is to work on you.
To start off, your significant other must work with you on this relationship. This is a dual process for you and your significant other. This is not a triage between all parties in the affair. You must clearly let your significant other know that any contact between them and the affair partner will not be tolerated. If your significant other continues to contact the affair partner you will have to make a very difficult decision. The only real decision is to remove your significant from your sight for the time being. Your significant other will not take you seriously if you continue to allow them to contact the affair partner. They will not respect you and you cannot fully make any changes or work on the relationship if you look the other way as your significant other continues the affair as you actively work on the relationship. If you are the only one seriously working on repairing the relationship then you should stop working on the relationship as well. If your significant wants their cake and eat it to, it is time for you to lock the bakery and kick your significant other out of the kitchen. So at this point you must let your significant other go. They either have to move out, or you do, but some arrangement has to be made where the two of you are given some space. Be honest about the reasons for the separation. You cannot let yourself be a third wheel, a consolation prize, as your significant other refuses to understand the consequences of their actions. You are not someone to hold on to until something better comes along. Emphasize that you plan on doing some evaluation of the relationship alone since they are not ready to make this a twofold solution. You will collect your thoughts and consider what the next steps in the relationship are, but your partner not participating in the healing process and working with you in the relationship is not a step in the right direction as far as you are concerned. Explain that when they are ready to choose to work on the relationship together with you and they are ready to choose you that you will consider working things out together. This is not a guarantee that you will be around should they decide to continue on with affair. You will have feelings of fear, you will be anxious because you feel that you cannot keep tabs on your partner but you cannot allow yourself continued exposure in such a volatile environment worrying about whether your significant other is cheating or not. I do not recommend this decision callously or without personal experience. I used to come home to a cheating partner noticing pizza boxes much too large for one person to eat, candles in different positions throughout the apartment, and newly purchased bottles of wine opened. It was much better to work on the relationship once I moved out away from the situation and myself as to not focus on the signs of my partner cheating. Why be exposed to reminders of infidelity when you can do so much more for yourself alone? It makes your partner fully consider their decisions as well. Focus on your needs for yourself at this time.
The thing about being the affair partner in this triple relationship is that at some point they are not going to accept being an occasional fling. Feelings develop over time and while your significant other is looking to fill their ultra-sensitive ego and locate someone willing to flatter them in exchange for a relationship of the esteem boost, feeling appreciated, attractive, or belief that someone understands them like no other, their affair partner will not be so willing to share them as they have been. Your significant other has been putting on their best performance with their affair partner. In time, the mask of deception comes off and flaws appear, especially when their primary partner makes them contemplate their future with an affair partner. You know your partners vulnerabilities, their strengths, what made them fall in love with you, in time you can expose these to your benefit should you wish.
Should the separation occur, this is an opportunity for you to move away from the situation to the best of your ability and work on yourself. Do not call your partner asking about their day wondering where they have been or what they have been doing. This will most likely lead to fights and a tendency for you to vent your feelings towards your significant other. Turmoil and unruliness often drive cheaters towards their affair partners. Do not send a hundred text messages with sarcastic overtones inquiring about their behavior. Do not e-mail them, stop by their residence, or begin engaging in stalking type behaviors. Do not attempt to contact your significant other and begin fighting and venting what they have done to you as a result of their behavior. This is a time for you to work on yourself. If you must contact your partner with priorities such as children, finances, or other essential activities to attend to, be cordial and matter of fact with your partner. Use this time separated from your significant other to repair your confidence and self-esteem. Infidelity is very damaging to self-esteem. You have to lean on those around you who have been in your situation or find your personal support network that will make you feel better. There are a number of online message boards for support regarding infidelity. Locate close friends who have the ability to listen and keep your feelings concealed between friends. You had a life before infidelity you will have a life after this should you decide to not go back to your relationship. You need to find the ability to participate in things that will bring you some joy and search out individuals that can help you with this. Read some confidence builder books, participate in activities with others that are positive, or do something that makes you laugh. Force yourself to go for walks, listen to your music that puts you in a good mood. You have to begin the next phase of your life or make the appearance that you doing so. Now is the time to begin that project that you have always wanted to, begin a new hobby, or begin a workout program. Do something that you have wanted to do, but were too consumed with essential priorities before. Keeping yourself, your mind, and especially your heart on other things during this time will help you at times when you need it most.
If you feel overwhelmed with grief, try your best to grieve in private out of the public where others can see you. This process will take time and with each day you will slowly rebuild a little bit of yourself. You will feel a little better on some days, and regress backwards a bit at other times. When you find your mind drifting, give yourself a few minutes to think about the situation, then gather your thoughts and tell yourself you have had your time with my thoughts and heart, now it is time to push ahead with what I should be focusing on. I used to give my mind a time limit when I caught my mind obsessing a bit much on my feelings. One lesson that I was able to take from my own experience during this phase was my obvious dependence on my relationship and significant other. I worked on increasing my social network and finding other aspects of my life that needed attention other than my relationship.
If you do happen to bump into any of your significant others friends, family, coworkers, put on a delightful smile and appear very cheerful, happy, and jovial. Put on your best fake it until you make it performance to make others think that you are doing fine and are happy. Do not inquire about the status of your significant other. This chance encounter of your significant other's associations will get back to your significant other that you looked happy; giving your significant other something to think about as the two of you are apart. To further this process along you may even want to have your personal friends disseminate information about your positive attitude to mutual friends of your significant other.
Given some time apart, your significant other has had time to ponder their life without you and understand what your absence means. At times you may have a tendency to wonder if they miss you, they do. Very few people are able to break from a long term relationship without a sense of loss. At this point, they will have to give some thought to what they have done wrong. They are more apt to want to understand your importance in their live when they have time to think about things alone as well. They will decide whether this relationship is worth the loss of you for the rest of your life. The lack of contact makes cheating partners very worried and tense wondering whether they are still considered a part of your life still or whether you have moved on or not. They are most likely concerned why the lack of contact, have you decided to move on, did you cheat or what have you been doing?
Your partner has most likely given some thought towards your absence from their life and how their decision making got the two of you into this position. Should they call and want to talk about the relationship and you are willing to discuss the relationship, reiterate your position about the two of you working together on the relationship with your no contact specification. If they wish to talk be truthful and honest about your feelings regarding the relationship and wanting to work things out. The bottom line is that your significant other needs to figure out whether they want to pursue a future relationship with you fully and work on your relationship. If they continue to contact the affair partner you have your answer. It is better to end things, fall on the sword, endure the pain and move ahead with your life and make the change towards others who are not selfish and interested only in themselves. The wounds from an affair will never fully heal but some couples are able to come out of infidelity stronger than before given time. The result of your relationship will depend on whether the two of you are willing to make it work. No relationship can function if a partner is going to juggle between multiple partners with no regards to your feelings and your relationship.
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