Communicating With The Affair Partner

People often ask me whether or not it is a good idea to speak to the affair partner after the affair is discovered. Some individuals have found it beneficial others have found themselves in domestic situations as a result of wanting to "talk" to the affair partner. Talking to the affair partner will elicit emotionally charged responses as well as posing other problems such as having visuals from this encounter with the affair partner to go with your mental images from the affair. There is also the possibility of feeling inadequate upon meeting the affair partner making personal recovery from self-esteem related issues post affair more difficult. I did contact the other person that was having an affair with my girlfriend and spoke with him on the phone about several issues I was having, such as the amount of time he was calling my girlfriend still after the discovery of the affair, repeated attempts to intervene in our relationship and what his intentions were with my girlfriend. I felt the need to make my presence known to the affair partner and that I was attempting to reconcile with my girlfriend and she had agreed to do so with me as well so there was no real point in him hovering over us like a vulture in our nearly dead relationship. I wanted to put up some clear boundaries between the affair partner and my girlfriend. I lashed out at him for cheating with someone who he knew was already in a relationship and was extremely angry in this confrontation which is why I suggest not doing this in person immediately after the affair. There is too much potential for our emotions to fulminate like a boiling pot of water resulting in physical altercations. The affair partner really did not care about my concerns and it was a rather uncomfortable conversation. Behind the safety of the phone two grown adult males acted like spoiled children fighting for a used up broken toy that neither one of us really should have wanted given my girlfriends behavior. However by asserting myself to the affair partner I felt like I took my relationship back and felt more confident about myself in confronting the affair partner. The positive things that did come from the confrontation were that I was able to piece together a new version of the affair that my cheating girlfriend failed to disclose. I was given new details and an alternative timeline when things took place, how the affair started and how long this relationship had taken place. This confrontation assisted me in taking an active role in reconciliation and put on full display that I was ready to work towards the goal of repairing the damaged relationship. While it is easy to displace the anger from the affair onto the affair partner it was ultimately my girlfriend who decided to sleep with other individuals. She is the person who deserves most of the anger and blame from me; not the affair partner.