Opposite Sex Friendships; Is It Really Possible?

For the past few months the theme of whether men and women can actually just be friends has been reoccurring in my life. I have had this question asked of me by close friends from both men and women. The answers I have received make it very clear to me that there is not a consensus on the issue of the possibility of whether men and women can just be friends. I continue to have countless discussions with both men and women on this issue and feel it is time for me to give my personal opinion on this matter. For me, working in a professional field that is dominated by female coworkers, I have very few problems having friendships with females and several of my closest friends happen to be females. I have felt very little attraction to any of these women and have viewed these friendships as purely platonic. There have been occasions that feelings have developed from female friendships in my life and strict boundaries had to be discussed and enforced in order for a friendship to continue once feelings have been discussed with these friends. These situations do make for uncomfortable work environments and awkward personal relationships once attraction is discussed but as long a clear boundaries are respected and adhered to friendships are possible with members of the opposite sex in my opinion. Some individuals have a difficult time separating the sexual and emotional aspect from their own personal experiences and cling to these experiences as reasons for only pursuing same sex friends. This seems counterproductive to me and usually says more about the people who hold these opinions than the real possibilities about whether or not opposite sexes can just be friends. 

As I stated above, several of my closest friends are female and I look back on how these individuals have allowed me to grow as a person as a result my friendships with them. I would hate to think where I would be emotionally, behaviorally, even mentally without assistance from several of these females in my life. To abandon half the population as potential friends just because they are of the opposite sex really makes no sense to me for a variety of reason. I am a person who is often looking for more information or opinions on a variety of topics and women often see things from an entirely different perspective than I do. I actually enjoy discussions with individuals who have opinions different than mine. I need to be challenged intellectually and emotionally and eliminating any chance from different viewpoints hinders my possibility for personal growth in my opinions. Experience has taught me that many of the women that I am friends with look at things from an emotional standpoint, where as I am very analytical about most things I address. This difference has led me to think about things more broadly at times and to see things in areas of my life that I may have overlooked had I not had the personal connections with some of my female friends.

So what draws individuals from the opposite sex into friendships to begin with? What has been a driving influence for me in most of my friendships both male and female is curiosity about an individual. There is usually some defining characteristic that makes me want to move from an acquaintance into a friendship. What makes these defining characteristics difficult with a possible female candidate for friendship is figuring out if the curiosity is an attraction or simply just thinking the person is someone with a revealing trait that makes them appealing to me. When I first meet a woman that is a potential friend, I believe there is somewhat of an attraction but I am not expecting anything to come of it. I sometimes notice chemistry, sometimes a slight emotional connection, and I find that my person of interest is very much worth the extra effort of my time. This attraction is not necessarily sexual in nature but there is a draw that makes me want to give a little larger part of myself to them than a common acquaintance. For me, attraction makes the male-female friendship difficult because of the problems that arise when trying to define the attraction. Is the attraction sexual? Is it romantic? Are the feelings of attraction related to me wanting more from this person than a friendship? Do I just want a common friendship with them or is there something more to the attraction? It is the actual definition of early attraction that must be made specific for me in order to carry a friendship forward with potential female friends. If the attraction is sexual and one of the female-male friends is hiding these feelings an unwelcomed attraction becomes difficult to cover-up. Nothing makes opposite sex friendships more awkward than sexual tension and has the potential for mixed signals between friends. Simple displays of affection such as a touch on the shoulder, a fling of the hair, a smile, tend to become misinterpreted and have led to unwelcomed advances towards friends. Once one person lets their feelings known it is difficult to put that genie back in the bottle to carry out the terms of the friendship as it was and the boundaries of the friendship need to be implemented.

In my opinion, the key component in a male and female friendship is clear and consistent boundaries between both parties involved. As with any relationship, the best way to ensure success in opposite sex friendships is clear communication. I believe that those involved in an opposite sex friendships have to define what the relationship is, and is not. If one person is attracted to another, decisions on how to deal with those aspects of the friendship will need to be addressed and communicated. The boundaries I usually rely on for myself is would any partner be happy with what I am saying or doing with a friend of the opposite sex if she were standing over my shoulder right now. I do not place myself in romantic situations with the possibility of increased feelings to develop. Romantic situations are defined as one on one dinners outside of the work environment, flirting is seldom taking place in any activity I agree to accompany a female friend, I am not communicating with a female friend daily for hours at a time, I would not spend large amounts of time with a friend of the opposite sex outside a public place alone, I would not share secrets with female friends that I cannot share with my partner, and my partner knows about all my females friends. Most importantly, I would never hide female friends from my girlfriend. Honest communication with female friends has generally been successful for me in my life. If these rules are routinely broken or asked to be broken the relationship with that friend usually has to be terminated. If the boundaries are respected, great potential exists for men and women to share lasting friendships.

One of the greatest benefits of opposite sex friendships for me has been the ability to vent emotionally, discuss feelings, and mention things that I would not dare discuss with my male friends. In my experience, the male social network is often based on strength, independence, taunting, and even masculine prowess in activities such as sports, money, and sexuality of females in our proximity. None of my female friends that I currently have come anywhere close to meeting the above criteria I have for male friendships. This is exactly why I enjoy the benefits of opposite sex friendships. I have a few female friends that I have the ability to express my frustrations, my fears, vulnerabilities, and where I feel I need to make improvements in my life. I feel it much easier to contact these women at times and open up to them, explain to them about my disappointments, feelings of inadequacy, and even past history that I may be embarrassed about. These friendships allow me to clear my conscious, reduce stress that I was harboring, and I completely respect the feedback I get from my female friends. Females tend to reaffirm my beliefs and support me emotionally, pointing out areas where I could use personal growth. I could never see myself discussing feelings of depression with my male friends, showing them momentary weaknesses, talk about what is bothering me, complain my fears, or why I might need to make some specific changes in my life. When with male friends there is tendency to act tougher, avoid emotions, and even make fun of those who attempt to share emotional experiences with male friends.

The most difficult part of maintaining and sustaining male-female friendships is the development of sexual attraction or attempts to just ignore sexual attraction and continue the relationship like nothing really is going on. I believe that there is usually some attraction component to the male female friendship in the beginning. There is always some component that wanted to make me want to start moving into the friendship level with a female besides general proximity. I have had female friendships that I initially found attractive physically, or over time developed an emotional attraction that fused the friendship. Over time these feelings subsided and these friendships tend to blossom into my greatest friendships. Some argue that the backgrounds of these relationships were bound by hidden or sexual feelings that were never addressed. l cannot argue with these points but no advances have ever been made and the boundaries were declared early and either I or my opposite sex friend received feedback that this relationship was not going to go any further. I have seen several of these friends get married, become serial daters and have felt no jealousy or possessiveness on my part. I am not secretly lusting after any of these female friends and the friendship has been completely platonic over the course of the friendship. In saying that, even a platonic friendship can still have a sexual component some of the time. I enjoy flirtation with some of my female friends, sometimes when I feel chemistry, I just pretend that the chemistry is not there as to not lose a very close female friend. This attitude is not always available for some individuals.

There is a school of thought from individuals that it is impossible for men and women to be just friends. Some men and women are just not able to have platonic friendships with females or males. Friendships like all relationships are largely driven by past relationships and experiences. Their failure to deal with their own abilities to not be friends lead them to maintain that no one else can either. Therefore this group of individuals simply concludes that men and women just cannot be friends. Their failure and disappointment with friendships of the opposite sex that lead to these feelings on their part have brought them to the conclusion that men and women should not or cannot just be friends. I feel that this attitude of men and women being incapable of being friends is a result of placing a poorly developed part of their life into a category that they fail to understand. It is much easier to dismiss friendships between men and women as impossible, than to have to look for the reasons within why opposite sex friendships cannot work. It is their attempt to compartmentalize a part of their life into a neat little box that they do not really understand. For me, there are female friends whose opinion I value greatly, who motivate me in substantial ways, who I hate disappointing and our friendships function beautifully. I realize that a deeper relationship with these individuals would not work in a serious romantic relationship. I still like these women a lot and find enormous value to have them in my life. I have a female friend that helps me pick out flowers for my girlfriend, I run gift ideas for my partner past other female friends to see if I am making a good choice, I even ask for the female perspective on mistakes I think I may be making in my relationships or other female friendships.

I believe that men and women can be friends. I not only think they can be friends but men and women should be friends. Women have complimented several aspects of my life that I feel that I am or was missing. I would have missed out on several facets of my life had I only viewed women as potential dating partners or romantic only interests. Women have assisted me with a missing part of my life that only a nurturing friendship could have given me. Some of these friendships have increased my communication abilities, reduced my immaturity, and gave me support to be able to find something beyond myself that I felt was lacking. I feel like I would have remained trapped in certain areas of my life emotionally had I not had the emotional encouragement of female friends. I believe with clearly defined boundaries, open communication by defining the relationship parameters and becoming aware of personal feelings are integral in making opposite sex friendships work. I believe friendships with the opposite sex are more difficult and more difficult to manage. My female friends need more frequent contact, words are sometimes misconstrued or taken the wrong way with some of my female friends making the likely hood for petty fights, and differences between the sexes do occur during the course of an opposite sex friendship. Given all the positives that I see in friendships with members of the opposite sex I think it would be a horrendous decision to have a friendship portfolio that is lacking in diversity of the opposite sex. What I have learned from my female friends has only helped me become better boyfriend years ago and good partner in relationships today. I have my female friendships to thank for that and continue to learn much from my opposite sex friendships even today.

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