Methods Towards Reconciliation

The realization that someone you are in a serious relationship with is having an affair is devastating. Initially I lost sleep, could not eat, lost focus of my personal responsibilities and the whereabouts of my girlfriend was my sole focus of my life after discovering her infidelity. As a result I was putty in her hands for a few months as we attempted reconciliation or at least I did. I made her the sole focus of my life instead of taking a more proactive approach; a more pro-me approach. If I could do it all over again after learning my mistakes I would definitely take a different approach towards reconciliation. The very first thing you must realize after discovering an affair is that you will make it through all the pain and suffering brought forth from your wandering partner. Many others have been cheated on and even believe their relationships are stronger in time as a result of reconciliation should you decide this route in the relationship. The hurt is tremendous, the wounds unbearably deep but things do get better each day after discovery an affair. You must utilize patience because reconciliation and forgiveness take a lot of time and hard work from both partners in this process of repairing the relationship. An inclination that betrayed partners have is to throw the cheater out, end the relationship and surrender the broken bond between the wandering partner and themselves. The void seems impassably wide initially but the other side will come into focus in time. Make no serious decisions about anything for now. For reconciliation to truly begin the wandering partner must remove the affair partner from the primary relationship. This relationship must cease immediately and the betrayed spouse should be present when the affair is terminated. This should be done via text message, phone call or letter. This breakup with the affair partner should not be done in person out of the betrayed partners spying eyes. From this point on there should be no contact between the affair partner and the wandering partner. This relationship is difficult to break. It is almost addictive for the wandering partner so be observant of relapses in contact between the affair partners. Set guidelines on what is to happen if continued contact occurs between the affair partners. If there is routine contact with the affair partner contact after witnessing the destruction the affair has caused the betrayed partner than you are likely dealing with a narcissist or a person who no longer really cares about the relationship. For reconciliation to be completely successful talk about the necessary changes that will occur in the relationship from this point forward. This is not an opportunity for excuse making in the relationship, placing blame or justifying the affair. This is focusing on what went wrong in the relationship and how positive changes can increase the probability of succeeding in moving forward in the relationship. The goal of this communication is to avoid a breakdown of this magnitude from ever happening again. This is an exercise in communication and learning how remorseful the straying partner is. Cheaters struggle early on in reconciliation because their behavior was inexcusable in dealing with the relationship. The only real excuse a cheater has is to blame the betrayed spouse for their behavior. Do not allow any focus or blame for their behavior in your direction. There are a number of ways anyone can address the difficulties in a relationship. The wandering partner chose stepping out of the relationship as their method of coping; that is their responsibility that they must own. A wandering partner needs to display remorse both in their words and their behaviors. Reconciliation will take time and there will setbacks. How a wandering partner addresses these setbacks is important for the relationship to move ahead. After months of reconciliation many triggers from the affair will meander their way into the heart of the betrayed partner. Communicating openly and honestly is the most effective way in addressing setbacks. Wandering partners often feel that the betrayed partners are holding onto the affair too long, dragging their feet when discussing the return of intimacy and not returning to the relationship in applicable time as seen by the wandering partner. Weaving through these issues empathetically and being there for their partner whom they betrayed will only build trust and reconciliation that much faster. A partner that appears to berate you and asking you to just move along and return to the relationship is not making effective positive changes in the recovery process. A partner that is insistent on you hurrying through the grieving process is someone that is not serious about the relationship. Trust cannot be fully built without complete transparency in the near term and open communication regarding all aspects of the affair. Every affair is different and every betrayed partner addresses their needs differently. Trust will take time and trust is the cornerstone of rebuilding the relationship. The wandering partner has to incrementally begin proving they are trustworthy now with each day that goes by. The time it takes to heal is different with each affair but most affairs take several years to fully return to a normal state of the relationship if there are no major disappointments.