Cheater Accountability

One thing that I think is important if two people are to reconcile after an affair is that the cheater have some personal accountability for their actions. Once a cheater is caught, they often attempt to minimize the intensity of the relationship because of what they know they really did was pitiful. Most people who possess a conscious know that cheating is wrong. As a result, once the cheater is caught they attempt to avoid discussion about their actions due to embarrassment, shame, and personal humiliation because once the affair is exposed; a heinous individual becomes present for all whom know about the situation. I can recall moments of my teenage life when I told lies and stories for attention. Once caught in these scenarios instead of owning up to the lies I often became angry and lashed out at the people who knew the truth. Introspection and accountability are hard for individuals caught in such a distasteful situation. The cheater must weigh factors such as their shame and guilt from the affair along with the visible pain and suffering they dealt to their partner as a result of the choices they made. The path to reconciliation begins with full disclosure of details as needed and assigned by the person whom was betrayed. Some people require every single detail which requires a certain level of understanding from their viewpoint, others some details, and still others just need a few major questions answered. Some cheating partners want to pretend nothing happened and continue on with business as usual in the relationship. From what I have seen from friends, family, and coworkers is that a cheater that has little to no accountability is also very likely to continue on cheating or cheat in the near future. A person who cannot be open and honest about what they did while in the affair and discuss what their partners are asking for is someone that would be difficult to trust in an already volatile relationship environment. Cheaters are in their own personal dilemma as well. Those that are less than forthcoming are most likely afraid to completely disclose aspects of the affair because of what a betrayed partner may do with that information. The cheater may be also attempting to figure out what the betrayed partner knows and does not know about their infidelities. Reconciliation requires complete transparency, full communication, and one hundred percent honesty. The healing, true recovery, and forgiveness from the affair never really starts until both partners agree on a shared definition of what the next steps are in their relationship. I believe accountability and communication are difficult for cheaters and that is why the cheating most likely took place to begin with. Instead of talking about their needs with their partner, the cheater went looking for their needs elsewhere. To reconcile with their partner and themselves the cheater must atone for their actions and learn from their past infidelities. This is often a journey that requires outside intervention from mental health professionals. Both partners must recover together in order to move forward. Pretending everything will be okay later without some very difficult relationship work will harm both of you in your relationship.