Cheaters and Their Unmet Needs

Relationships have their problems. Relationships have great times, wonderful moments, and moments when life feels perfect. Relationships also develop problems, immense difficulties, and at times it feels easier to avoid your partner than address the issues that are affecting the relationship. I am beginning to see and hear about more and more relationships having an individual step out of the relationship because their primary partner is not meeting their needs. This is just another excuse for individuals to satisfy the selfishness inside themselves followed by a rationalization for their behavior of cheating. Marriages, committed relationships, and long term relationships take real work. There will be periods of unhappiness from both partners at times in a relationship but this is never a justification to cheat. Communication skills, such as listening and verbalizing what each other are feeling, seem to be a lost art form in relationships. I understand that at times partners drift apart and people feel more like roommates versus marital companions who support each other. When my ex-girlfriend and I sat down for the first time after I found out about her cheating the first thing she attempted to do was cite the various needs that I was currently unable to fulfill. This was the first time I was hearing about her unmet needs from her lips. As I sat there, listening to her attempt to defend her decision to cheat, I found a moment of clarity in between bouts of anger and depression. I asked her one question during our discussion that sent her over the edge because there really was no answer for it. What do lying, cheating, and sneaking around behind my back have to do with my ability to accommodate your needs? To this day, I feel her decision to cheat and her feeling neglected in some fashion, were two completely different issues. If she was so unhappy and believed her needs were not being met she could have started looking for someone more suitable for her needs. Cheaters are often too unhealthy to let go of a relationship because of fear of being alone and jump from relationship to relationship. The unmet needs are not usually the result of the relationship but of the internal issues the cheater possesses about themselves. To summarize, there is never an excuse to cheat. If there is some unmet need in your relationship you communicate these concerns with your partner. If communicating to your partner does not work, attempt counseling together for the sake of the relationship or discuss other options. Cheating just adds more complications, additional recovery issues, and increases the likelihood that the relationship will fail. The damage dealt to a betrayed partner from infidelity of a cheating partners stays with them for a lifetime.