Avoiding Fake Reconciliations

As a couple attempts to put their relationship back together there are bound to be a few bumps in the road back towards reconciliation. Often these bumps feel more like mountains followed by deep crevices as the rollercoaster of emotions and behaviors from both partners take them on a very exhausting journey. When attempting to reconcile after the ultimate betrayal betrayed partners and wandering partners underestimate the amount of hard work that lies ahead of them and underestimate the pain that the betrayed partner has internalized. There are usually some common mistakes that lead to false reconciliations between couples. After an affair, very often one person is expected to leave or a separation occurs due to the trauma of the relationship. Many betrayed partners have a habit of taking the wandering partner back or allowing them back into the home setting before they should be allowed to return. A wandering partner often realizes with a little time that the affair partner was an escape, satisfying an unmet need missing from the primary partner and not real relationship material. These wandering partners often are seeking asylum back home with their primary partner after the discovery of the affair. However, many times these individuals are far from appropriate relationship material themselves despite their feelings of wanting to return home. Many wandering partners have a lot of atonement to address with the betrayed partner but realistically are connected to the affair partner. Even if they have stopped seeing the affair partner, the wandering partner suffers withdrawal from the affair partner and their line of thinking is not where it should be in focusing on reconciliation with the primary partner. When a wandering partner seeks permission to return to the relationship from the betrayed partner, especially if they are questioning returning to the same living environment, I would be very apprehensive about allowing this return to take place. Reconciliation will take time often; perhaps years. There is no need to rush reconciliation or the return of the wandering partner to your living environment. I have learned that when a wandering partner asks to return to the relationship usually they are not quite ready. Should the wandering partner ask to return home let the process run its course a little longer. The danger of allowing a wandering partner home too early is the false impression that the relationship is regrouping and heading in a positive direction. Welcoming home a wandering partner that is still connected to the affair partner brings the real possibility of further cheating, reopening the affair wound and feeling like you are starting the reconciliation all over again. A relationship that is stained with too many false reconciliations becomes a joke for both individuals after a while and the whole relationship is pretty much shattered in trust at that point. Too many failed reconciliation attempts leave the betrayed partner with a very long-term memory that is not easily erased or forgotten. The betrayed partner must hold their ground in uniting the living environment and not allow the wandering partner too much control over the speed of reconciliation. If or when you are ready to have the wandering partner return to your living environment, have a very serious meeting with the wandering partner where boundaries are put in writing and clearly stated. Some of the content of this written agreement on boundaries should include no contact with affair partner, full transparency of all communication devices for at least six months, the wandering partner spends very little time away from the betrayed partner outside of work and state every statement coming out of the mouth of the wandering partner will be verified and examined. Make this list available to the wandering partner in writing so there is no confusion about the process and your expectations. Reassess these expectations and boundaries routinely. If you are given any problems with these expectations or any negotiating is attempted the wandering partner is not ready to return to your living environment or the relationship. It is very common for the appearance of reconciliation for a while only to slip back into old maladaptive habits such a doing a better job at concealing the affair next time. Do not accept progress from part of your expectations and poor acquiesce on other aspects of your expectations. You cannot afford to be patient and hope for the best later. The time for reconciliation to occur is after you have explained the boundaries and expectations. As explained in other posts, remorse for what took place towards the betrayed partner and a wandering partner's actions are essential clues for how reconciliation will go. Words have very little meaning at this early stage in reconciliation so do not be impressed with early progress, do not be swayed by their individually planned reconciliation that deviates from yours, do not tolerate slow progress or tolerate a wandering partner who returns to perch themselves on the fence failing to make a relationship decision. The reconciliation process is such hard work and demanding on the relationship. It is best if a couple can make it through this process together now independent of any false recoveries or fake reconciliations. A betrayed partner should not accept an artificial presentation of working on reconciliation or accept an unproductive effort. For many couples accepting less effort or a good enough attitude has lead to the problem of affairs reoccurring again in the relationship. To make it through reconciliation a couple has to change both their behaviors and their attitudes regarding what got them into an affair mess to begin with.

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