Making It Through The Holidays Single

A few years back I can remember that the holidays were a time of increased anxiety for me and feelings of embarrassment when admitting that I was single. While I was single it seemed the minute I ran out of candy for trick-or-treaters on Halloween that some celebrity immediately sprinted to my television screen like a cheetah to perform their holiday infomercial, sporting the brand new jewelry of the holiday season. The commercials that ensued on November first appeared to be crammed with happy couples opening Christmas gifts and exchanging happy moments in typical glamorized Hollywood fashion that not only made me feel inadequate because of being single, but made me feel like I was living below the poverty line as well because of the gargantuan prices that were flashed across the screens portrayed as bargain prices. Holiday shopping days like Black Friday only reminded me that I had no one to shop for outside of my family and I felt like an imperfect person for the audacity of being single during the holiday season. As the holidays approached I made my mandatory appearances at family gatherings and I inevitably managed to sit next to someone who could plan my life better than I could. I always seemed to have nosy family and friends asking me why I was single and advising me where I could meet the next future ex-girlfriend of mine. When I spent time with family I only seemed to be reinforced that I was doing something wrong with my personal life. Family and friends told me how wonderful I was and could not understand how I continue to be single given all the wonderful characteristics I possess. At other holiday gatherings I had relatives playing Chuck Woolery of Love Connection asking me if I was interested in being set up with someone a relative knew I would be perfect for. Then there were the love sick relatives going on their fiftieth anniversary reminding me that I will soon find love as they did as the touched each other's hand and engaged in a passionate kiss right in front of me which looked closer to a poorly constructed attempt at CPR than a loving sign of affection as I slowly spit out my mother's homemade stuffing and her lightly buttered turkey which was one of the few highlights I actually looked forward to at those holiday gatherings. There was a period of time where I would agree to come home for the holidays but just confined myself to my old room as I attempted to hibernate like a grizzly bear hoping to awake several months later after the holiday season had passed. When single during the holiday season I felt like something was wrong with me, like I belonged on The Island of Misfit Toys. I was depressed at a time when everyone around me was filled with joyfulness and delighted with the environment of The Christmas Season. I just wanted a time machine to boost me forward from the fourth Wednesday in November to December 26^th. I just wanted to find some way to avoid all of the holiday pleasantries.

Of course this never happened. I was forced to watch as everyone in my vicinity was happily decorating their homes as the smiles and happiness seemed eternally burned into their faces. Everywhere I drove the front yards of homes were lit up like guiding lights attempting to signal planes overhead from those stranded on a deserted island below. Everyone else was happier than me, and life seemed so unfair to me at that time. Everyone was getting engaged, married, or celebrating their first Christmas together. I looked at everyone with contempt as if I was The Grinch and all those around me were the Who's from Whoville. The holiday season seemed so cruel to me, the single guy.

Being single during the holidays or any other day is not an affliction that a person must shyly acknowledge in the presence of others like we have just been caught in lie. Do not allow the media, friends, family, or even your coworkers to pass judgment, make assumptions, recite homilies about the direction your life is headed or how this will be the year for you to make those great changes that everyone knows that you have the capability to make. If you prefer a more proactive approach I have several suggestions for maintaining your sanity as a single person when everyone else around you appears to be spurting holiday cheer from every single one of their pores, gushing happiness with every blink of their eyes, and every second that goes by you are that much closer to converting to atheism or Jehovah's Witness as an attempt to never celebrate another holiday.

First of all, during the holidays try and find things that will keep your mind off of the fact that you are single or alone. While all those happy couples are French kissing under the mistletoe take this time to think about your plans for your future. This may be a time to start a journal about yourself. My greatest introspections came on "couple's holidays" such as Valentine's Day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas while single. The alone time I suffered through back then really made me think about where I was heading in my personal life, mistakes I was making, how I was underachieving professionally and about the type of people I was routinely dating. Begin by writing about all the positive things you see in yourself and things that you may think you need improvement on. If you are daring begin to give yourself some constructive criticism on your dating habits and scrutinize where you may be making some mistakes. This is not a time to call an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend but look at ways to improve your interactions with others. This is also a time to write your New Year's Resolutions and write late Christmas Cards to friends and family.

Before you decide to embrace the holiday cheer of family and friends take your own designated time to spoil yourself. Give yourself the royal treatment this holiday season and pamper yourself. If you have a little extra money get that haircut that you have been thinking about, try out a new fashion sense and go shopping, or get yourself a personalized spa treatment. If you just want to stay indoors and avoid the pillaging holiday shoppers, stay in and watch a few of your favorite movies, rent a new movie, read a new book, play a video games, etc. but do not sit around at home feeling sorry for yourself. Doing nothing provides your mind the fuel to start the engines of sorrow and pity in your mind. Build yourself a warm crackling fire, sample a few new savory wines you have been thinking of trying, and just relax. Before you go off to bed think about taking a nice warm bath while listening to soft music ( my favorite is The Blue Danube Op. 314 or Four Seasons) or spend some time in a Jacuzzi if you have one. If you want to be silly wrap yourself some presents and put them in a stocking or under the tree for yourself in the morning.
If you do not want to be alone or this the first holiday season you have been alone for a while, contact family and friends and schedule times to meet with them. As you agree to meet with friends and/or family provide some backup plans for yourself to make sure you enjoy yourself. If you are going to be around friends or family an extra few days offer to cook one day for everyone to help yourself remain busy. Try and catch up with old friends you grew up with who live near your family still. Look at local theatres for a new movie you can see alone or with someone you actually want to spend time with, or plan something special with your friends. Try and avoid the amount of time you spend with married couples or friends in long term relationships if it makes you uncomfortable being around those that remind you of your solitude relationship status during the holidays. Plan your exit strategies in advance with an excuse about the demands of work or obligations in your neighborhood if you begin to feel like a unicycle in a room full of bicycles.

This is not the most exciting way to plan the holidays but volunteering will certainly be the most rewarding. There is never a shortage of individuals down on their luck, stricken with medical conditions, or just elderly individuals who routinely spend every day and every holiday alone whom have very little family contacts left in their lives. These individuals view the holiday season as a chronic reminder of their solitude, with little contact from others, feelings of near seclusion, loneliness, with no family or friends to share their life experiences with. Here is your opportunity to truly earn a few points with the karma gods. Contact local food kitchens, homeless shelters, Salvation Army, Goodwill, food banks, churches, and ask if you can assist them during the holiday seasons. Walk through a nursing home and stop by a few individuals rooms and chat with them for a few minutes. It is pretty difficult to volunteer in places that I described previously and not feel much better about yourself on your drive home after volunteering. A female friend and I visited hospitals and nursing homes with our clients who were children diagnosed with severe emotional behavioral disorders during the holidays a few years ago. Even the most hardened children found the experience to be rewarding. Volunteering is also an opportunity for you to expand your social connections and to come in contact with some very wonderful people in the process of volunteering. Along with volunteering, make yourself available for other that you know are in need of assistance during the holidays. Check in with the neighbor down the street who is seldom seen or heard of. Make a stop by their residence and just sit down with them for an hour over the holidays. Be sure to notice the smiles from others you spent time with that are in a much worse predicament than you, as they show their appreciation of your presence.
Whether you believe it or not you are not the only single person in the world during this holiday season. There are single events that are planned for people just like yourself for the holidays. Look in your daily shopping guide, newspaper, postings at grocery stores, churches, local taverns or even social websites for locations for singles gatherings. Let friends know that you are open to being set up with others that are single near the holiday seasons if you are open to this. Make an effort to converse with strangers you normally would ignore, make an extra effort to smile at others that you do not know as you walk past them, and accept social invitations that you normally would pass on. Being single during the holidays does not mean you live a life of isolation or making preparations to quarantine yourself from the outside world. You never know where and when you may meet someone that is right for you and it might happen over the holidays at some random social engagement.

If you know that you are not going to do anything exciting for your holidays offer to help other friends or family out by offering to watch their little crumb crunchers so your friends or family can have some alone time with their significant others. Be creative with the kids and decorate some cookies, take them outside and go sledding, build an igloo, go ice skating, build a snowman, make a snow fort, take them out for a scavenger hunt, or make a few tunnels in the snow banks. If you are not going anywhere for the holidays why not get paid in the process. Volunteer to pick up a shift or two from coworkers at work with there being an understanding that they will owe you one when you need it.

Hold your own holiday get together with singles in your social circle to get you through your holiday debacle. Schedule a few "team activities" at your party that involve coed teams, such as darts, board games, or my favorite Twister. If holding a singles holiday party makes you feel uncomfortable throw a party for your department at the office. In either case invite others to you so you are not so focused on finding others to spend time with on the holidays. Making the preparations for others to come visit you will assist you in feeling less desperate in seeking out others to avoid being alone on the holidays. Some individuals are not able to reach out to others for fear of rejection and holding your own party provides a remedy for your isolation and fears of inviting yourself to friends or family.

Stay busy by starting or finishing some projects around the house that you have been putting off due to lack of time. Clean a closet, organize a few shelves, or attempt to clean the basement at your home. Take the time during the holidays to learn a few guitar chords, martial arts, or begin learning a few new habits that you have always wanted to try. If none of the above apply to you consider making your apartment or home looking like a department store as you focus your energy on creatively decorating your place for the holidays.

Most of all, remember that the holidays are all about the spirit of giving and you are not required to do anything. You may have supportive friends and family but sometimes it is just best to give yourself time alone for a while during holidays. Let others enjoy the holidays in their own special way but do not force yourself to be something you are not. I have never really liked chameleons; do not pretend to be Jolly Old Saint Nick just because everyone else appears to be festive. Do not cave to the expectations of the media, the constant barrage of happy couples depicted everywhere, and allow these messages to make you feel poorly about yourself. Happiness usually begins with yourself and you can still be happy and single during the holidays. Lean on those that have been special in your life and let them know what their friendship or relationship has meant to you. The holidays are a great time to begin searching for that person that will make the next year really special. I met my wife on New Year's Day at a location I had almost decided not to attend because I was still very busy basking in the suffering from an ex-girlfriend. Had I chosen not to meet my wife that evening my life would be vacant in so many ways had I followed through and declined the invitation that year. If a chance occurrence like this can happen for me, it can certainly happen to you.


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