Rebuilding After An Affair

Choosing to repair a relationship tainted by infidelity is not an easy one. Once a couple decides to reconcile and attempt to recover from an affair that decision will seem easy compared to the work that actually lies ahead for the reconciling couple. Rebuilding a relationship after an affair seems like a daily grind for many months and progress crawls at a snail like pace in the beginning. Wandering partners often perceive the relationship during the recovery period as better off than it actually is. Betrayed partners underestimate how painful an affair actually is and the length of time a recovery will actually take. To successfully rebuild a relationship after an affair a couple must be willing to reinforce several key steps towards reconciliation and extinguish a few problem areas that are common when attempting recovery. The first step towards rebuilding a relationship after an affair is for the wandering partner to end the affair completely. A wandering partner who still sees their affair partner, contacts their affair partner or occasionally feels compelled to see what is happening with the affair partner during reconciliation makes recovery pointless. A betrayed partner believes they are working towards repairing a relationship that was damaged by deceit, lies and deceptive behaviors. A wandering partner continuing these behaviors pulls the reconciling couple away from full recovery making the betrayed partner consider giving up on reconciliation if the wandering partner is caught again. If you want to rebuild the relationship do it right the first time and stick to a no contact guideline regarding the affair partner and demonstrate your commitment towards recovering with the betrayed partner. The betrayed partner must work at not internalizing the mistakes of an affair as their own or somehow their fault. The wandering partner must take responsibility for the affair and refrain from assigning blame for the affair to the betrayed partner. There are many choices to communicate unmet needs to a partner and an affair is very poor choice in coping with an unhappy relationship. The wandering partner must express remorse both verbally and behaviorally as well as portraying accountability for their actions of the affair. A betrayed partner will want to have details of the affair and will most likely continue to return to moments of the affair that they have questions about. This is normal and an opportunity for the wandering partner to build trust through honesty and empathy. The betrayed partner will not like some of the details they receive from a wandering partner but it will assist in the healing process. A wandering partner protecting themselves about the details of the affair only slows down recovery. Betrayed partners need answers to move forward and to understand the affair from their perspective. After all the details of the affair have been discussed over time and the couple agrees to move forward together the affair should no longer be used as a weapon in discussions, fights or conversations to hurt each other. There has to come a point when the affair must be banished from daily dialogue and the couple must begin to move forward. A couple willing to rebuild the relationship must work through feelings of resentment for each other. The betrayed partner will never forget about the affair or the pain associated with cheating. The betrayed partner will hold some very strong feelings for a very long time but must be willing to move forward without systematically punishing the wandering partner habitually for the rest of their life. At some point the betrayed partner must be willing to move forward and to forgive the wandering partner in order to rebuild the foundation of the relationship after it has been blackened by infidelity. The wandering partner must also work through their resentment of the betrayed partner. Wandering partners harbor resentment of the betrayed partners for believing they made them engage in affairs as a result of unmet needs. They also struggle with the absence of the affair during reconciliation which the wandering partner misconstrues as the fault of the betrayed partner. Both individuals have to agree at some point that the relationship is more important than embracing resentment and choose to move forward. Trust is difficult to build again and only comes with time and is earned very slowly. Initially trust is impossible and can only be accomplished through full transparency. For the first six months after discovering the affair all aspects of the wandering partners life should be available to the betrayed partner. This includes computers, cell phones, financial records, e-mail accounts, all passwords to devices, and any other method that an affair is usually conducted in. It is the responsibility of the betrayed partner to routinely verify and scrutinize these records for signs of a return to an affair. Trust is built with time and the more a wandering partner is verified telling the truth, not caught in more lies and found acquiescing to the demands of transparency the easier it will be to add one more small brick into the foundation of trust being constructed by the betrayed partner. There may be times when recovery seems to stall and the couple finds themselves unable to move forward no matter what is tried. In these moments consider getting professional help from a counselor. An objective third party may be able to assist you in working through the road blocks that a struggling couple is encountering in reconciliation as well as strengthening areas where there has been only modest success. Most importantly it is imperative that the couple begin addressing all of their relationship needs through communication. This is completed through routine contact and checking in with each other about the status of the relationship. Learn the mistakes that led to the affair and routinely address the status of those areas in the relationship. If you notice your partner feeling distant or find something feeling not right in the relationship begin addressing your concerns immediately in the relationship. It is much better to communicate concerns and perceived incorrect from your partner versus ignoring something as minor and begin watching a rift separate the two of you once again. Make sex a common habit in the relationship as the healing begins to become apparent. Sex brings the relationship closer together by reaffirming emotional bonds and establishing a connectedness between the couple. The road back from an affair is a lengthy one that can only be accomplished with a diligent commitment and determination of both individuals to make things work. There will be barriers along the way towards recovery. Trust is not easily built after an affair. Some individuals cope with intense pain through sarcasm, maladaptive head games and poor problem solving. The return of intimacy is often ridden in anxiety and flood the mind with mental images of the wandering partner and the affair partner but these things will eventually decrease in number and intensity in time. Together a couple will soon witness a rejuvenated environment and loving relationship once again through the hard work of reconciliation. If you are able to return to some sense of normalcy in your relationship the relationship will be very powerful in many ways. Making it through an affair conveys to a couple that even through the most difficult emotional trauma of their relationship they were able to survive.