Beginning An Affair

When most individuals think about affairs they usually envision some sort of Hollywood stereotype where a lust driven male is overwhelmed in his weakness for women that he succumbs to a beautiful scantily clad woman that is way out of his league. In the throes of a passionate one night stand involving incredible sex, little emotional connection and even less analytical thinking our sexually charged couple tears each other's clothes off in an animalistic feeding frenzy pinning each other to the wall vertically barely able to take a breath as a result of being engulfed in white hot eroticism. Reality is much different than the images conjured up in our minds and even further away from anything Hollywood has to offer. Affairs seldom just happen and most individuals who engage in an affair knew their affair partner quite well before taking the affair plunge. Affairs frequently begin as friendships with poor boundaries. Coworkers, colleagues, friends and other platonic relationships of the opposite sex are not intended for affairs but a few lunch breaks together, exchange of e-mails and a comfort begins. Once a comfort is built a person with poor personal boundaries is often compelled to share information about their life and if the boundaries are limited emotional information is exchanged. Exchange of emotional information is the blue print for affair development. Affairs often begin because individuals are unhappy in their primary relationship. One or both partners in the relationship have unmet needs or want something more from the primary relationship. This need may have been communicated, ignored completely or not taken seriously from the partners in the relationship. The longer the need is unmet or disregarded an emotional distance begins to develop and resentment begins to roll through the mind of an unhappy partner. Once resentment begins to fester individuals begin to start the justification process in their minds believing that they are entitled to be happy or that my partner is not meeting my needs. The now straying partner begins to believe they deserve someone who understands them and will communicate their needs better to them. They begin to notice how everyone else is happier than they are and it does not seem to be fair in their eyes. What is happening is the door towards an affair taking place is beginning to slowly creak open. It is a thunderous wakeup call that something in the relationship needs immediate repair and communication needs to be implemented immediately to their partner in the primary relationship. In many instances, resentment has pitched a tent in the ego of the straying partner rendering more attempts at communication unlikely. When communication is not attempted the straying partner begins to look for an individual that can meet their needs. This person is often a person they straying partner has access to such as a work colleague, personal friend or casual acquaintances they are aware of. Chance conversations in which minor levels of approval, acceptance and agreement are exchanged begin to feel like gateway drugs to euphoria. This simulating conversation often impedes the difficult communication processes occurring with the primary partner and the now wandering partner begins to refuse most efforts of communication with the primary partner. Instead of communicating their wants and needs of the primary relationship the wandering partner returns towards the individual that is meeting their current needs. Like a lost puppy returning home to its owner for a pat on the head the wandering partner returns to the person that is communicating with them , validating them , praising them, making them feel special and appreciated. The partner feels accepted and complete with this other person and begins to think about them more than they should. The wandering partner begins to wonder what a relationship would be like with this friend. These thoughts and feelings accelerate. The wandering partner is curious when they can get together and talk again with their friend who is so easy to talk to. As communication between the wandering partner and friend increase the wandering partner begins to hide text messages, e-mails, and phone logs. In time the wandering partner begins to flirt a bit, they become very complimentary, discuss how easy it is to talk to each other. The relationship between the wandering partner and the friend begins to become an emotional affair until one of them makes the stupid mistake of expressing their feelings for the other. Once feelings are mentioned or an interest past friendship is discussed the affair often blasts off like a rocket igniting off the launch pad. Soon after the delusion of love appears, as does feelings of finally finding their soul mate and thoughts of running away together start entering the minds of the affair partners. The two individuals often find that they are almost addicted to each other and the sex involved in affairs is often exhilarating as a result of its forbidden nature and connectedness that the wandering partner believes they have found in the affair partner. Most needs that occur in affairs are emotional not sexual. Sex is the end result after a wandering partner begins to find an individual that fulfills their missing need. This need is often the result of listening, presenting empathy and understanding from an individual willing to communicate and be one hundred percent attentive. It is feeling validated by the affair partner, feeling that a partner's opinion matter that a partner is being listened to and respected. When it gets down to the root of the problem the wandering partner is running away from it is about communicating all the needs in the relationship and actively listening. Many partners in relationships believe they are listening but what they are missing is an empathetic viewpoint from their partner. As much as you may believe that you are listening to your partner it makes no difference if your partner perceives your listening as condescension, ignorance or insulting. If your partner's belief is that you are not an effective communicator no matter what you are actually doing, you are not an effective communicator. To avoid beginning an affair or engaging in an affair learn to conclusively communicate. If your partner is angry and you feel tension in the relationship discuss it without blaming, accusing or rationalizing your perception. Leave all communication about your relationship and your partner with your relationship partner and close same sex friends and family. If you talk about your relationship at work do not discuss the relationship or your partner negatively. If you find yourself attracted to individuals at work do not allow yourself to be alone with this individual or be around them while drinking alcohol. Discuss ways that you and your partner can improve your relationship, where the weaknesses are, discuss relationship boundaries and ways to avoid infidelity in your relationship. The main culprit in most relationships is not communicating maturely or effectively in relationships. If you find yourself not being understood by your partner seek counseling before seeking an affair partner.

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