Forgiving Yourself For Staying With A Cheater

Reconciliation is a difficult process and many individuals struggle with attempting to recover their relationship because of personal fears of being cheated on again, failure to trust partner ever again, or embarrassment just to name a few concerns after an affair. Some who attempt reconciliation with their partner begin to feel guilty for allowing themselves to be cheated on and have a difficult time forgiving themselves for choosing reconciliation versus deserting the relationship. Many individuals that are betrayed by their wandering partner through infidelity and choosing to attempt to hold their relationship together often judge themselves very harshly for doing so. Feelings of settling for less than expected occur very often with betrayed partners because once the relationship has experienced infidelity the relationship feels unsuitable for repair. A person who decides to stay in a relationship after an affair will experience marked reduction in intimacy, less feelings of respect and loss of stability for a very lengthy period in the near future. These are distinctive features that most individuals seek in relationships making a betrayed partner question whether their judgment has been damaged believing very few would tolerate the circumstances they find themselves in. These feelings of accommodating the wandering partner further damages the self-esteem and becomes even more intense if the wandering partner's approach to reconciliation is lackadaisical, with little remorse and personally blaming the betrayed partner for their decision to cheat. As disdain for the wandering partner increases due to lack of effort and their betrayal, the betrayed partner finds themselves angry for tolerating such behavior and begin finding their decision to reconcile unforgiveable early on in reconciliation. The internal mantra of the betrayed partner is often one of negativity towards themselves which repeatedly deepens depression, increases feelings of being overwhelmed and pessimism about the future is invoked in their mind. Many betrayed partners begin to accept blame for the affair, internalize their relationship decisions much more than they should and begin to feel like the wandering partner is getting away with their infidelity much too easy. The betrayed partner's contempt for themselves for not taking a stronger stand towards the wandering partner and their infidelity or a reluctance to separate without reconciliation begin to feel like a considerable let down to their self-worth. Betrayed partners frequently place their needs in the relationship in a secondary position behind holding their relationship together for the sake of children or attempting to hold onto a troubled relationship. Betrayed partners seeking stability for their entire family often choose working on the relationship for a time before ending the relationship. Keeping a family intact is suitable for the developmental needs of the children and disregarding the safety and security of the children's needs is a concern many couples face after an affair. As a betrayed partner reflects on these concerns for the children, they are confronted with their altruism regarding their children at a time when the wandering partner chose extreme selfishness, ignoring family unity and concerns for their own needs. A betrayed partner decisions to stay for the sake of the relationship, family, or the children may be an admirable well thought out decision but many betrayed partners have difficulty trading in their happiness and emotional needs without crushing their own conscious for allowing themselves to rendered a consolation prize by the wandering partner as the work to establish a relationship with a damaged partner who desecrated the primary relationship. As reconciliation progresses and if both partners work towards healing there is often a change in attitude regarding the decision to take back a cheating partner. Many betrayed partner looking back state that if they had utilized the affair as an immediate excuse to end the relationship they would have regretted the decision to not reconcile. The process of reconciliation can be used as a tool for both the betrayed partner and the wandering partner to express their needs correctly if both individuals in the relationship communicate together. This process can indicate areas of need where both partners could make improvements after an affair. Many people who abruptly leave a relationship after an affair never learn areas where they possibly need work and enter another relationship soon after with the exact same attitudes and behaviors concerns from the last relationship. Reconciliation allows a last chance effort to see if the relationship is worth fixing and to see if there is enough appreciation and love between the betrayed partner and the wandering partner to make it through the monstrosity of infidelity. There is the possibility of rekindling some aspects of the past relationship initially and bringing into focus that which means most to each other as a couple. Many of life's greatest lessons have sprung out of emotionally traumatic situations and personal failures. For reconciliation to be effective the betrayed partner must learn to forgive themselves for staying with the relationship when most around them tell them to leave. Relationships can be repaired but they are much more difficult to repair and reach recovery if you feel you are making a poor choice in choosing reconciliation in the first place.

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